Let’s all keep believing in miracles, ok? If
you can even imagine… if your crusty heart can wrap around
things too majestic for the mind to fully comprehend… then you know
that the World Surf League, pronounced dead just hours ago, is
alive again and thanks to the Angel Moroni!
Mitt Romney was right! Mitt Romney for President!
So…the WSL
was dead, yeah? But then Joel gave us a thrill and
what? And how? But if you look at the channel, at the boats, the
answer is there.
Three Mormons, in full regalia, bob and pray and bob and adjust
their holy undergarments and bob and think about sweet Salt Lake
girls who they wanna make lotta babies with and bob and supplicate
for us sinners!
Us demanders of entertainment!
Us bastards!
And then the World Surf League rises, brushes off the dirt,
coughs, and… and… and… lives!
Joel Parkinson, who I characterized as “less successful” in
World Surf League’s obituary, was the catalyst for sweet redemption
and thus it was written in 1 Nephi 1:20:
But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender
mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because
of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of
deliverance.
I was wrong, so wrong, and Joseph Smith is scolding me atop a
pile of virgins in heaven.
Wait. Do Mormons have virgins in heaven? What do they get
again? I can’t remember.
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!
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Watch me not surf!
RIP: The World Surf League!
By Chas Smith
The World Surf League died today during Round 3
Heat 3. It might be missed.
On Monday, one-time boy-band impresario and
lifelong con-man World Surf League died at the age of 45 of
absolute boredom in the Round 3 Heat 3 matchup between Matt Banting
and Jordy Smith in the Tahiti Billabong Pro. Those who knew
it best were pretty much satisfied with that ending.
In the late 1990s and early 2000s, however, World Surf League
(then called Association of Surfing Professionals) was
celebrated, admired and even adored, an affable King Midas of
surf with a magnetic personality. It was a walking
exercise in irony: The middle-aged, nasal-voiced, balding and
300-plus-pound Queens, New York, native surrounded itself with
chiseled, underage surfers.
It didn’t invent surfing, but the ones it formed
dominated brands, shattered boardshort records and helped
propel the industry toward a multi-billion dollar
run, the largest ever at the time. WSL/ASP started Kelly
Slater and Andy Irons but followed its two biggest acts
with a long tail of less-successful others: O-Town, LFO, Joel
Parkinson, Take 5, Mick Fanning, Natural, Aaron Carter, Ace Buchan,
Adriano de Souza, Matt Wilkinson, Italo Ferreira, Sebastian Zietz,
Kolohe Andino, Wiggolly Dantas, Dusty Payne, Nat Young, Stuart
Kennedy, Adam Melling, Alejo Muniz, Ryan Callinan, Bede Durbidge,
Timothee Biso.
Etc. etc. etc.
Many who did business with WSL, though, remember it as a
financial criminal. In 2008, it was convicted of two counts of
conspiracy, one count of money laundering and one count of making
false statements during a bankruptcy proceeding. It was
sentenced to 300 months in prison, one for every million
investigators said it stole in a massive Ponzi scheme
involving fake savings accounts and a fake professional surf
tour business.
If the league once known as “Big Poppa” to its beloved
boys had his way, the story of its legacy would begin and end
with its surf success and influence. But its later life
was dominated by desperation to prove it was worthy of the credit
it gave itself.
It all came undone during Round 3 Heat 3 when Matt Banting and
Jordy Smith did not surf leaving Martin Potter and Joe Turpel to
blabber about nothing for 35 full minutes.
It might be missed but not for many many many years.
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Da Hui wax and the best ever surf ad!
By Chas Smith
Eddie Rothman and co. know surf!
Da Hui is one of our very iconic brands and one
that still strikes fear/joy into the heart of men. Or at least this
man. I love it!
A few months ago, when I traveled to the east African nation of
Djibouti, I brought my black Da Hui baseball cap, given to me as a
gift by the wonderful Eddie Rothman, because I was planning to be
on a boat most of the time and did not want a sunburned nose.
I wore it with pride, even though I was not on a boat most of
the time, and loved when those Djiboutians scattered into the
shadows as I walked down the street.
Emirates Airlines lost my luggage on my return and I didn’t get
the bag for days. When it finally did arrive it was torn open and
inside a clear garbage bag. Just one thing was missing. My black Da
Hui baseball cap.
I can only assume a Pakistani baggage handler is terrorizing his
Emirati masters with it this very day and it brings me some relief.
Emiratis are the world’s biggest dough-balls and need Black Short
justice.
In any case, Da Hui is now making wax and just watch this
advertisement. Watch the entire thing. High octane Pipeline,
throaty rock n roll and the end. Eddie’s unmistakable growl:
Remember, when you need to stick it, Da Hui wax…. Let’s
go.
All the ad agencies on Madison Avenue could not craft a message
so winkingly amazing, so on point, so lean, so anti-hip yet
effortlessly cool, so… so… delightful.
It is the best ever surf ad and I dare you to disagree.
As the former pro surfer turned commentator Ross
Williams correctly pointed out, a crummy day at Teahupoo is still
maddeningly, beautifully sculpted. | Photo: WSL
Day Two: Tahiti Pro hums like a
beehive!
By Derek Rielly
Even small Teahupoo can be maddeningly
beautiful!
There are days in the pro surfing game when
nothing of note happens. When everything hums beehive
perfect, the telecast is good, the commentators are in form, there
are no technical glitches, but absent is any form of drama.
Today, very near the southern tip of Tahiti, on Tahiti-iti, in
three-to-four-foot waves under gloomy skies, six hours of heats
were processed without surprise.
Low heat totals. Fickle sets. A channel empty but for
photographers and filmers and caddies obligated by friendship or
employers to record a dozen forgettable heats.
You can imagine the early-morning interiors of the
home-stays around Teahupoo, still but for the guest who would be
fidgeting and grinning hideously as he crept out of the house to
surf for his life in three-foot waves.
Results were par.
Filipe Toledo disappeared with a last place in an odd heat where
he appeared determined to conjure a reputation-changing six-footer
out of nowhere.
The tenuous world number one Matt Wilkinson beat the
almost-forty-year-old wildcard Hira Teriinatoofa with a
switchblade layback.
Dusty Payne armlocked Conner Coffin in a tight, last-minute win
that made Conner bare his teeth in frustration.
Alex Ribiero cocked a six-point heat total to bomb the
reigning world champion Adriano de Souza out of the event.
“Yeah…um…the waves were… tricky,” said the perpetually
diplomatic de Souza.
Joel Parkinson stilled thoughts of retirement when he snorted
Jack Freestone off the reef.
Watch the post show here! (Game on tomoz and the next day
too!)
Heat 1: Italo Ferreira (BRA) vs. Keanu Asing (HAW)
Heat 2: Kolohe Andino (USA) vs. Adam Melling (AUS)
Heat 3: Jordy Smith (ZAF) vs. Matt Banting (AUS)
Heat 4: Adrian Buchan (AUS) vs. Alejo Muniz (BRA)
Heat 5: Nat Young (USA) vs. Kelly Slater (USA)
Heat 6: Matt Wilkinson (AUS) vs. Bruno Santos (BRA)
Heat 7: John John Florence (HAW) vs. Alex Ribeiro (BRA)
Heat 8: Josh Kerr (AUS) vs. Dusty Payne (HAW)
Heat 9: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) vs. Jadson Andre (BRA)
Heat 10: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Jeremy Flores (FRA)
Heat 11: Joel Parkinson (AUS) vs. Kanoa Igarashi (USA)
Heat 12: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Kai Otton (AUS)
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MMA: California west vs. Australia
east!
By Chas Smith
Did you get your MMA fill last night with Conner
vs. Nate? No? Good! Let's get ready for an international
rumble!
Do you like mixed martial arts? Does the sight of blood
streaming down a cauliflower ear’d man send you into fits of
ecstasy? Did you watch Conner McGregor vs. Nate Diaz last night? I
didn’t but read that it is already being considered one of the
greatest fights of all time. Do you want to know another good fight
though? California’s west vs. Australia’s east. Gentlemen tap
gloves.
Every coastal nation has a best coast, north, south,
east or west. One coast trumps the other. In France, the
west coast is better than the south Mediterranean coast. In Panama
the east Caribbean coast is better than the west Pacific. In the
United States’ California west is better than the urbane Eastern
Seaboard. And in Australia the urbane east coast is better than its
wild wild west. But when California is pitted against Australia’s
Gold, Sunshine, Sydney coast which wins? Which is best of all?
Australia’s east coast features one very fine town and that town
is Sydney. Some will say Byron Bay or Nambucca Heads or Forster
(pronounced “Foster”) are equally fine but they are wrong. And
Sydney is dreamy. There is shopping, dining, delicious models and
surf. Australia’s east coast also features the Gold Coast and while
Surfers Paradise is both a grammatical and architectural travesty
the surf is amazing. There are waves for every desire.
California features three very fine towns, Los Angeles and San
Francisco and San Diego. Los Angeles may be perfect. It has
everything including the film industry and all the actresses who
come for it. Everything except good surf but good surf is easily
accessible via automobile. San Francisco is called the Paris of the
west and it, too, has everything except attractive women and
sunlight. San Diego has everything except an IQ.
Australia’s east coast has Snapper Rocks. California has
Trestles. Australia’s east coast has Nicole Kidman. California has
her too.
Australia’s east coast has beer. California has wine country.
Australia’s east coast has Splendour in the Grass. California has
Coachella. Australia’s east coast has that harsh, unfiltered east
coast light. The sort that makes a man feel bad about his past and
not dreamy. The same sort as New York City. California has golden
light filtered in that way that all light is filtered on west
coasts. The past is forgotten. Only the future exists.
And, therefore, California is better than Australia’s east
coast. California might be better than anywhere else on earth.
