Video: Surfin’ in the DPRK!

Close the Surfer Poll....we have our winner!

Ok…and ok…and ok. Maybe I missed this. Did I miss this? I must have because there is no way this hasn’t come out in the surf media. Did it already appear on The Inertia? As an advertisement for a hot new workout? As a new market for chia yogurt goodness?

Is StabStitch using it to sell its artificial anti-shark pseudo-science to unsuspecting kids for $200 a pop? To fund massive operating losses born of a perpetual 70% sale on all soft goods? Is Kim Jong-Un partnering with Lex Pedersen to paint all surf the same color of paranoid yet autocratic beige? Wait…is Lex the one still there? Or the other one? The blonde one? Who likes….. oh never mind.

But anyway for sure it has come out. Right? In case I missed it and you’ve already seen… as you were.

But if not WOW!

Just WOW!

Gawker, which is going out of business next week beating StabStitch by three weeks, writes:

A popular Youtuber named Louis Cole, whose channel has nearly 2 million subscriptions, ended his trip to North Korea by creating a music video called “Sufin In The DPRK.” This isn’t some biting political commentary that touches on the atrocities carried out by the North Korean dictatorship, but rather a fun, lighthearted video about “bringing our wold together.”

Cole has already been hit with criticism for the lighthearted and intellectually dishonest “adventure videos” he’s posted on YouTube while on his state-organized tour of North Korea. In one video description, Cole writes “I’m trying to focus on positive things in the country and combat the purely negative image we see in the Media.”

For whatever reason, Cole doesn’t seem to realize that his tour of North Korea, just like all other tours of the country, is staged and set up to appear as if the country is thriving and prosperous. Cole seems to think that by not mentioning these atrocities, or the hunger ravaging the country, and by making a cheery video hanging out with his new North Korean friends, that he’ll be able to help bridge some global divide. That, of course, is delusional—but we hope Cole enjoys the YouTube ad revenue!


And you are welcome The Inertia and StabStitch. You can both use this to sell your chia/suable anti-shark tech.

Lie! And pretend to be tough!
Lie! And pretend to be tough!

Dear Brazil: Obrigado the most!

American swimmer Ryan Lochte's wonderful account of being super tough is apparently not true!

Did you read American swimmer Ryan Lochte’s wonderful account of getting robbed at gunpoint with his three swimmer friends just days ago?

The best!

He said, in his toughest Clint Eastwood:

“We got pulled over, in the taxi, and these guys came out with a badge, a police badge, no lights, no nothing just a police badge and they pulled us over,” Lochte said. “They pulled out their guns, they told the other swimmers to get down on the ground — they got down on the ground. I refused, I was like we didn’t do anything wrong, so — I’m not getting down on the ground.

“And then the guy pulled out his gun, he cocked it, put it to my forehead and he said, “Get down,” and I put my hands up, I was like ‘whatever.’ He took our money, he took my wallet — he left my cell phone, he left my credentials.”

But then did you read how it was all basically fabricated? Multiple news sources have pointed to the swimmers and Lochte as being drunk, belligerent and destructive. They were dealt with then claimed they were robbed with Lochte claiming he was very tough and cool. “I was like ‘whatever.'”

The way best!

And we only have Brazil to thank for, first, theoretically robbing a tool and, second, having this incident of false bravado haunt him for the rest of his life.

“I was like ‘whatever!'”

The man will never work in this town again!

P.S. This has to do with surfing in the same way Shaun White has to do with surfing…. Brazil!


Parker: “This just happened!”

Latest dispatch from Nicaragua. Convinces gorgeous girl to maybe three-way with wife!

Gorgeous girl. Aussie/Singaporean hapa. Too good for us.

Couldn’t believe she said, “Sure. Why not?”

Romantic dinner at El Timon. Top notch seafood. Toñas flowing. Lobster all around. Great company. Some sort of spark. Couldn’t believe my eyes.

Wife invites her with us on the next leg. Drop what you’re doing. See you in the morning. We’ve got a suite lined up. Plenty of room for all.

Yes yes yes. She’s in. She’s coming. I’ll meet you tomorrow. Head down together.

Are you on Facebook? Let’s link up.

Why not? My last name is Parker. No idea what title Derek tossed on my last dispatch. Logged in to see, I’m a Sexual Predator.

Damn it. Not untrue. Don’t really mind. Not the best second impression. No way she’s showing.

Sipping cafe con leche, ready for check out. Up she strolls. “Am I still invited?”

Unforeseen consequence, she draws horny boys like flies to shit. Didn’t expect that. Want to bark and bark and bark. Stay away. Mine mine mine. Not an appropriate reaction. Real turn off. Just let them ramble, compete. No matter, she comes home with us.

Hot damn yes. Turns out she didn’t see it. Eventually did. “It’s just schtick. I swear.”

She’s not scratching the itch. Too comfortable. We get along too well. I didn’t make it weird enough. Intelligent, funny. Unbelievably good looking. My exposed skin makes me uncomfortable. Shameful what I’ve become. Strive to exude confidence. Women aren’t as shallow as men.

Is what I tell myself. A mantra.

Unforeseen consequence, she draws horny boys like flies to shit. Didn’t expect that. Want to bark and bark and bark. Stay away. Mine mine mine. Not an appropriate reaction. Real turn off. Just let them ramble, compete. No matter, she comes home with us.

Surf is flat. Equatorial sun is baking my mind. Sucking down water as fast as I can. Competing with what pours from my pores.

But the hotel has cold a/c. Retreat from the midday heat. Regroup. Spent the morning helping a surf camp’s new hires get their boat started. We failed. Engines are an indecipherable mystery. The battery is dead. Will one from a car work?

Apparently not.

Wasted Italian tourists are a scourge. Worst group on Earth. Americans’ reps are deserved, if inflated. Mouthy WOP mangling english. Struggling to roll a cigarette while spraying tobacco across our table. Eyes our new friend. Gives it a shot.

“You are very pretty. You come drink with us?”

She asks him if I can fuck his ass.

Confused, thinks he misunderstood. He did not. Declines. She calls him a coward.

Special kind of gal. Right up our alley. Kismet.

White Horses Surfing Life magazines
Three men walk into the offices of a publicly listed company and walk out as the new owners of two surf mags. Genius or crazy?

Surfing Life and White Horses sold!

Staff buy Surfing Life and White Horses from their public company master!

Do you like your surf mags and co’s to be in the hands of surfers rather than, say, a bank or an investment firm? It’s crazy, I know, a magazine or a company existing for more than the relentless pursuit of profit at the expense of integrity of product.

So I like Future Fins, I like Lost Surfboards, I like What Youth, I like Dark Seas, I like The Surfers Journal and…

I like…White Horses! I like… Surfing Life.

Those two markedly different surf titles, once under the banner of Morrison Media until it was sold for $10 million to Pacific Star Network almost two years ago primarily for the cardigan-culture mags Frankie and Smith Journal, have just been bought back by three of the company’s pivotal staffers: Craig Sims (who owned the South African mag Zig Zag before moving to Australia to work for Morrison Media), Graeme Murdoch (White Horses creator) and (former pro superstar and sales guy) Rob Bain.

Click here to read about the three’s initial circling of the titles. 

It’s a real nice story, I think.

No one’s going to make bank out of the titles, but the trio do want to tell stories, present photos in a manner that does ’em a little more justice than on a telephone screen, and maybe squeeze out enough shekels to cover their own rent and whatever else.

“We’re small, we’re having a swing and we’re surfers,” says Bain. “We want to keep a certain amount of realness to it.”

“We’ve sent off our first issue of White Horses and, tomorrow, Surfing Life is off to the printers so we’re stoked to have done this with minimal disruption to our publishing schedules,” says Sims. “It was a long, drawn-out affair buying magazines from a public listed company, but we’re through it and proud to be a small surfer-owned business, consisting of three guys with complimentary strengths and talents, having a go during one of the most volatile and uncertain times in media history.”

Ooowee, he brave. How long’s he think paper magazines are going to be kicking around?

“We have a firm belief in the power and importance of print in delivering brand messages for surf companies, especially at this time when digital is everyone’s obsession, including ours… as digital media lurches toward ad blocking, programatic buying and advertising spend consolidates to the global platforms of Google and Facebook, we think surf brands will be looking to separate themselves from the mainstream maelstrom.”

Which means print magazines, says Sims.

“My hunch is that the humble surf mag will provide one avenue for surf brands to demonstrate their importance within the sub culture and separate themselves from each other by producing beautiful ads. We don’t have all the answers but we have strong fundamentals – and we’re keen students of media, real surfers who are passionate about the sport and industry. Hopefully that’s a recipe for the modest success we’re hoping to achieve.”

Is Sims on the money here? Is print going to take a little of the limelight back? Is online a dead-end (yike)?


"I like two feets wave!"
"I like two feets wave!"

Baby Teahupo’o thrills Brazilian!

The Billabong Pro in Teahupo'o, Tahiti starts in two days and there are no waves in sight! Filipe Toledo dances for joy!

And Teahupo’o is mere days away with a swell forecast so little that not even the ebullient World Surf League can spin as anything other than “not massive.” Ross Williams went so far as to describe it as “smaller.”

And do you know who must be jumping up and down in pure joyful ecstasy? The bravest little coward, Filipe Toledo!

The young Brazilian started the year fabulously with a third place finish at Snapper but then fell on hard times with two injuries. Still, he is right in the hunt, currently number 13 in the world and if we drop his injuries and add juggle then he is number 5 in the world and if he wins in knee high Teahupo’o he could be 1st!

Number 1!

And do you remember last year when he refused to catch a wave thus earning a world-record 0 point heat total? There was some debate as to why he didn’t paddle into a wave. Maybe hurt? Maybe scared?

I would have been scared! But that is why I’m number 1980008787 in the world!

Will you hungrily chew up the business after such a long layoff or will you let it pass and gear up for Trestles instead? Are you excited the “show” is back or did you forget that professional surfers competed against each other in organized events?

I sort of forgot!