Parker: “This just happened!”

Latest dispatch from Nicaragua. Convinces gorgeous girl to maybe three-way with wife!

Gorgeous girl. Aussie/Singaporean hapa. Too good for us.

Couldn’t believe she said, “Sure. Why not?”

Romantic dinner at El Timon. Top notch seafood. Toñas flowing. Lobster all around. Great company. Some sort of spark. Couldn’t believe my eyes.

Wife invites her with us on the next leg. Drop what you’re doing. See you in the morning. We’ve got a suite lined up. Plenty of room for all.

Yes yes yes. She’s in. She’s coming. I’ll meet you tomorrow. Head down together.

Are you on Facebook? Let’s link up.

Why not? My last name is Parker. No idea what title Derek tossed on my last dispatch. Logged in to see, I’m a Sexual Predator.

Damn it. Not untrue. Don’t really mind. Not the best second impression. No way she’s showing.

Sipping cafe con leche, ready for check out. Up she strolls. “Am I still invited?”

Unforeseen consequence, she draws horny boys like flies to shit. Didn’t expect that. Want to bark and bark and bark. Stay away. Mine mine mine. Not an appropriate reaction. Real turn off. Just let them ramble, compete. No matter, she comes home with us.

Hot damn yes. Turns out she didn’t see it. Eventually did. “It’s just schtick. I swear.”

She’s not scratching the itch. Too comfortable. We get along too well. I didn’t make it weird enough. Intelligent, funny. Unbelievably good looking. My exposed skin makes me uncomfortable. Shameful what I’ve become. Strive to exude confidence. Women aren’t as shallow as men.

Is what I tell myself. A mantra.

Unforeseen consequence, she draws horny boys like flies to shit. Didn’t expect that. Want to bark and bark and bark. Stay away. Mine mine mine. Not an appropriate reaction. Real turn off. Just let them ramble, compete. No matter, she comes home with us.

Surf is flat. Equatorial sun is baking my mind. Sucking down water as fast as I can. Competing with what pours from my pores.

But the hotel has cold a/c. Retreat from the midday heat. Regroup. Spent the morning helping a surf camp’s new hires get their boat started. We failed. Engines are an indecipherable mystery. The battery is dead. Will one from a car work?

Apparently not.

Wasted Italian tourists are a scourge. Worst group on Earth. Americans’ reps are deserved, if inflated. Mouthy WOP mangling english. Struggling to roll a cigarette while spraying tobacco across our table. Eyes our new friend. Gives it a shot.

“You are very pretty. You come drink with us?”

She asks him if I can fuck his ass.

Confused, thinks he misunderstood. He did not. Declines. She calls him a coward.

Special kind of gal. Right up our alley. Kismet.

White Horses Surfing Life magazines
Three men walk into the offices of a publicly listed company and walk out as the new owners of two surf mags. Genius or crazy?

Surfing Life and White Horses sold!

Staff buy Surfing Life and White Horses from their public company master!

Do you like your surf mags and co’s to be in the hands of surfers rather than, say, a bank or an investment firm? It’s crazy, I know, a magazine or a company existing for more than the relentless pursuit of profit at the expense of integrity of product.

So I like Future Fins, I like Lost Surfboards, I like What Youth, I like Dark Seas, I like The Surfers Journal and…

I like…White Horses! I like… Surfing Life.

Those two markedly different surf titles, once under the banner of Morrison Media until it was sold for $10 million to Pacific Star Network almost two years ago primarily for the cardigan-culture mags Frankie and Smith Journal, have just been bought back by three of the company’s pivotal staffers: Craig Sims (who owned the South African mag Zig Zag before moving to Australia to work for Morrison Media), Graeme Murdoch (White Horses creator) and (former pro superstar and sales guy) Rob Bain.

Click here to read about the three’s initial circling of the titles. 

It’s a real nice story, I think.

No one’s going to make bank out of the titles, but the trio do want to tell stories, present photos in a manner that does ’em a little more justice than on a telephone screen, and maybe squeeze out enough shekels to cover their own rent and whatever else.

“We’re small, we’re having a swing and we’re surfers,” says Bain. “We want to keep a certain amount of realness to it.”

“We’ve sent off our first issue of White Horses and, tomorrow, Surfing Life is off to the printers so we’re stoked to have done this with minimal disruption to our publishing schedules,” says Sims. “It was a long, drawn-out affair buying magazines from a public listed company, but we’re through it and proud to be a small surfer-owned business, consisting of three guys with complimentary strengths and talents, having a go during one of the most volatile and uncertain times in media history.”

Ooowee, he brave. How long’s he think paper magazines are going to be kicking around?

“We have a firm belief in the power and importance of print in delivering brand messages for surf companies, especially at this time when digital is everyone’s obsession, including ours… as digital media lurches toward ad blocking, programatic buying and advertising spend consolidates to the global platforms of Google and Facebook, we think surf brands will be looking to separate themselves from the mainstream maelstrom.”

Which means print magazines, says Sims.

“My hunch is that the humble surf mag will provide one avenue for surf brands to demonstrate their importance within the sub culture and separate themselves from each other by producing beautiful ads. We don’t have all the answers but we have strong fundamentals – and we’re keen students of media, real surfers who are passionate about the sport and industry. Hopefully that’s a recipe for the modest success we’re hoping to achieve.”

Is Sims on the money here? Is print going to take a little of the limelight back? Is online a dead-end (yike)?


"I like two feets wave!"
"I like two feets wave!"

Baby Teahupo’o thrills Brazilian!

The Billabong Pro in Teahupo'o, Tahiti starts in two days and there are no waves in sight! Filipe Toledo dances for joy!

And Teahupo’o is mere days away with a swell forecast so little that not even the ebullient World Surf League can spin as anything other than “not massive.” Ross Williams went so far as to describe it as “smaller.”

And do you know who must be jumping up and down in pure joyful ecstasy? The bravest little coward, Filipe Toledo!

The young Brazilian started the year fabulously with a third place finish at Snapper but then fell on hard times with two injuries. Still, he is right in the hunt, currently number 13 in the world and if we drop his injuries and add juggle then he is number 5 in the world and if he wins in knee high Teahupo’o he could be 1st!

Number 1!

And do you remember last year when he refused to catch a wave thus earning a world-record 0 point heat total? There was some debate as to why he didn’t paddle into a wave. Maybe hurt? Maybe scared?

I would have been scared! But that is why I’m number 1980008787 in the world!

Will you hungrily chew up the business after such a long layoff or will you let it pass and gear up for Trestles instead? Are you excited the “show” is back or did you forget that professional surfers competed against each other in organized events?

I sort of forgot!

Shaun White: Sex, lies and Bad Things!

A new lawsuit alleges that extreme star Shaun White likes kink! Let's dig in!

Shaun White is the world’s leading extreme sport star. He snowboards, skateboards and surfs! Did you see him in Rio with Pedro Scooby and a football player? Watch here!

Snowboards, skateboards, surfs and also allegedly sends lots of dick pics, videos of “sexualized fecal matter” and has a hair length fetish.

Super extreme!

All the allegations come from the ex-drummer of his ex-band Bad Things. Her name is Lena Zawaideh and she is suing him in San Diego court for sexual harassment and wrongful termination.

Let’s read about it in TMZ!

One of the videos Zawaideh claims she was forced to watch was a couple killing a bear and then having sex on top of it. 

She also claims White forced her to watch “Church of Fudge” — a hardcore porn “involving a priest, a nun and fecal matter.”

At one point, Zawaideh claims White stuck his hands down his pants, approached Zawaideh, and then “stuck his hands in her face trying to make her smell them.”

She also claims he tried to kiss her on the mouth at a Halloween party in 2010 — but she shut him down. 

The lawsuit, which is better than anything I’ve ever written, can be viewed in full in the dick pic link. It begins:

The world knows Shaun White an as Olympian, X Games legend, winner of 10 ESPY Awards and the face of modern extreme sports. In addition to his achievements in the sporting world, White is also the founder, lead guitarist and public face of the young rock band Bad Things. However, the public face of Shaun White hides a darker, misogynistic personality.

Just look at that tee up then smack…the lawyer draws you in then smacks it right out of the park! I’m hooked! Gimme more! Season II!


Dick pics etc.


When Zawaideh had a boyfriend, he told her, “Don’t forget to suck his balls!” There also are examples that show White’s behavior toward other people as well. The complaint says that Zawaideh once saw him tell a cab driver, “You suck dick for a living!”

But maybe the cab driver did? Do we know? In any case, what does Shaun White say about all this?

“Many years ago, I exchanged texts with a friend who is now using them to craft a bogus lawsuit. There is absolutely no coincidence to the timing of her claims, and we will defend them vigorously in court.”

Deny, deny, deny! Oh…wait….ummmmm have the rules for dealing with controversy changed over the last few years? Admit, deny, admit? Or don’t settle when you should, let it all come out on TMZ/DeadSpin, admit, deny? Or…

Somebody help?

The Inertia pioneers new realms of lame!

Strap on... I mean in. Things are going to get crazy!

Did you ever see the Leonardo DiCaprio film Inception? It was good with a complex storyline. In short, people entered other peoples’ subconsciouses and planted information. Or something.

The thing, though, is that people could enter other peoples’ subconscious subconscious subconsciouses.

Or something.

Layer upon layer of twist, turn, misdirection. Which one is the dream? Which is the dream inside the dream? Which is the dream inside the dream inside the dream? I was on the edge of my seat, thoroughly taken.

And enter your second favorite chia recipe destination The Inertia! This morning the Internet’s “Distributor of Ideas” stepped away from pregnant wake surfers and 101 ways to use a rinse kit to publish a story on a story …are you still with me… done by Vice Sports of night surfing in Cornwall, England presented by Samsung.

A story…

…on a story…

…done by Vice Sports…

…of night surfing…

…in Cornwall, England…

…presented by Samsung.


It is like a turd inside a turd inside a turd inside a turd inside an ugly Korean phone.

Mind. Blown.