"I like two feets wave!"
"I like two feets wave!"

Baby Teahupo’o thrills Brazilian!

Chas Smith

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The Billabong Pro in Teahupo'o, Tahiti starts in two days and there are no waves in sight! Filipe Toledo dances for joy!

And Teahupo’o is mere days away with a swell forecast so little that not even the ebullient World Surf League can spin as anything other than “not massive.” Ross Williams went so far as to describe it as “smaller.”

And do you know who must be jumping up and down in pure joyful ecstasy? The bravest little coward, Filipe Toledo!

The young Brazilian started the year fabulously with a third place finish at Snapper but then fell on hard times with two injuries. Still, he is right in the hunt, currently number 13 in the world and if we drop his injuries and add juggle then he is number 5 in the world and if he wins in knee high Teahupo’o he could be 1st!

Number 1!

And do you remember last year when he refused to catch a wave thus earning a world-record 0 point heat total? There was some debate as to why he didn’t paddle into a wave. Maybe hurt? Maybe scared?

I would have been scared! But that is why I’m number 1980008787 in the world!

Will you hungrily chew up the business after such a long layoff or will you let it pass and gear up for Trestles instead? Are you excited the “show” is back or did you forget that professional surfers competed against each other in organized events?

I sort of forgot!

Shaun White: Sex, lies and Bad Things!

Chas Smith

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A new lawsuit alleges that extreme star Shaun White likes kink! Let's dig in!

Shaun White is the world’s leading extreme sport star. He snowboards, skateboards and surfs! Did you see him in Rio with Pedro Scooby and a football player? Watch here!

Snowboards, skateboards, surfs and also allegedly sends lots of dick pics, videos of “sexualized fecal matter” and has a hair length fetish.

Super extreme!

All the allegations come from the ex-drummer of his ex-band Bad Things. Her name is Lena Zawaideh and she is suing him in San Diego court for sexual harassment and wrongful termination.

Let’s read about it in TMZ!

One of the videos Zawaideh claims she was forced to watch was a couple killing a bear and then having sex on top of it. 

She also claims White forced her to watch “Church of Fudge” — a hardcore porn “involving a priest, a nun and fecal matter.”

At one point, Zawaideh claims White stuck his hands down his pants, approached Zawaideh, and then “stuck his hands in her face trying to make her smell them.”

She also claims he tried to kiss her on the mouth at a Halloween party in 2010 — but she shut him down. 

The lawsuit, which is better than anything I’ve ever written, can be viewed in full in the dick pic link. It begins:

The world knows Shaun White an as Olympian, X Games legend, winner of 10 ESPY Awards and the face of modern extreme sports. In addition to his achievements in the sporting world, White is also the founder, lead guitarist and public face of the young rock band Bad Things. However, the public face of Shaun White hides a darker, misogynistic personality.

Just look at that tee up then smack…the lawyer draws you in then smacks it right out of the park! I’m hooked! Gimme more! Season II!

Also:

Dick pics etc.

And:

When Zawaideh had a boyfriend, he told her, “Don’t forget to suck his balls!” There also are examples that show White’s behavior toward other people as well. The complaint says that Zawaideh once saw him tell a cab driver, “You suck dick for a living!”

But maybe the cab driver did? Do we know? In any case, what does Shaun White say about all this?

“Many years ago, I exchanged texts with a friend who is now using them to craft a bogus lawsuit. There is absolutely no coincidence to the timing of her claims, and we will defend them vigorously in court.”

Deny, deny, deny! Oh…wait….ummmmm have the rules for dealing with controversy changed over the last few years? Admit, deny, admit? Or don’t settle when you should, let it all come out on TMZ/DeadSpin, admit, deny? Or…

Somebody help?

The Inertia pioneers new realms of lame!

Chas Smith

By

Strap on... I mean in. Things are going to get crazy!

Did you ever see the Leonardo DiCaprio film Inception? It was good with a complex storyline. In short, people entered other peoples’ subconsciouses and planted information. Or something.

The thing, though, is that people could enter other peoples’ subconscious subconscious subconsciouses.

Or something.

Layer upon layer of twist, turn, misdirection. Which one is the dream? Which is the dream inside the dream? Which is the dream inside the dream inside the dream? I was on the edge of my seat, thoroughly taken.

And enter your second favorite chia recipe destination The Inertia! This morning the Internet’s “Distributor of Ideas” stepped away from pregnant wake surfers and 101 ways to use a rinse kit to publish a story on a story …are you still with me… done by Vice Sports of night surfing in Cornwall, England presented by Samsung.

A story…

…on a story…

…done by Vice Sports…

…of night surfing…

…in Cornwall, England…

…presented by Samsung.

Boom.

It is like a turd inside a turd inside a turd inside a turd inside an ugly Korean phone.

Mind. Blown.

Eli Hanneman
See how Eli throws his tail high! See how Eli grabs with his nose! See how Eli rides out clean!

Eli Hanneman is a Masterpiece!

Derek Rielly

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A day in the life of the dazzling 13-year-old from Maui!

Watching a youth in his late teens bang off jump after jump is something which you might give or take. Seeing a couple of kids, only just turned twelve and thirteen, operate a surfboard with this sort of dexterity, however,  is a… wonder. 

The Maui surfer Eli Hanneman, who is thirteen, appears in this excellent, if simple, day-in-the-life short. Eli describes his day as blocks of two three-hour surfs, with a midday nap, or one five-hour session, where he practises the manoeuvres he wishes to have perfected by the time he hits the tour in four or five years.

Making a fine cameo is the half-Australian, half-Indonesian boy Bronson Meidy, who was born and raised in the surf ghetto of Lakey Peak only twelve years ago.

Watch? Yes!

 

Portlandia: “Put a surfer on it!”

Chas Smith

By

Will Oregon save the surf shop? Let's see!

I grew up, as noted here often, in the Pacific Northwest. Though I look back now with misty-eyed appreciation, at the time I did not find the dreary, cold, rednecked, cold, cloudy, economically depressed, oppressively green, wet, backwoods, backwater, cold, wet thing charming.

And Portland, the jewel, the rose, did not exist in my youth. It was merely a dull city four hours away. It had not yet become “Portland.”

In any case, I read just yesterday that Portland is getting its first surf shop and its second soon after and since it is “Portland” they will also sell coffee and craft beer.

Genius?

Yes!

Cosube and Up North Surf Club are appropriately named, sell coffee/beer, feat. art and screen film and might actually be successful. There is one other place in town that  has been open since 1983 and sells surfboards but also sells snowboards and SUPs (yuck on the SUPs!). It’s owner tells The Oregonian newspaper:

“I totally think we need more bars and coffee shops in Portland. It’s a cool idea, I guess. I think a lot of places already do things like that without actually saying they’re a surf shop. Maybe I should open up a margarita stand outside.”

Does that sound like he’s being facetious or serious? Maybe facetious. But I think he really should open up a margarita stand outside.

Which brings my around to my point. If surf shops in southern California made wonderful cocktails I would visit tons and probably accidentally make drunken purchases.

How in the hell have surf shop owners not thought of this already? Does “Portland” have to lead us all to the well and show us how to drink?

Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by @theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros
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