Your Ultimate Guide to Surf Culture!

8 years ago

Who owns what and whom!

Brothers Marshall are two kinky SOBs from Malibu whose eponymous clothing label celebrates eighties nostalgia and a rubbery sexuality. Name don’t ring a bell? Take a short tour here.

Or maybe you remember when they begged Kelly Slater to “burn his surfboards.”

Just recently, BM collaborated with Arkitip to create a one-off magazine called Backdoor. It’s a wonderful and colourful little thing that reminds me of Stab circa 2006, with notes of What Youth.

As wonderful as Backdoor is, the crowning glory is a flow chart that helps, in Trace Marshall’s words, “Us dumb surfer types to understand the wonderful world of surf culture. This thing we hold so dear is really just controlled by a handful of rich white dudes. It’s pretty funny that most of the surf companies that are such rivals are actually owned by the same corporation. Is that bad? Is that good? I don’t know but we think its funny.

What else has BM got? I was compelled to ask.

BeachGrit: Whose idea was the flow chart?

Trace Marshall: We had it drawn on our wall with markers. We would occasionally do some research and fill in the blanks. My Filipino slave labor Steven V laid it out on his computer machine. We did cocaine for a few days and laid the mag out. It was inspiring. You can score it here.

What is surf culture to you?

“Surf Culture” to me is an idea created by some drug smugglers in the 70s. “Surf culture” is the best way to launder drug money. But the like most drug smugglers they got too greedy (like Pablo Escobar/Scarface/the Jamaican dude from Belly) and it all collapsed around them.

What is your current mindset re: surf culture?

Oh, it’s so beat down. It’s been raped so hard. Poor thing needs a little break. It’s been getting it from every angle for some time now. Nothing is sacred. The only real thing is surfing itself. You can’t take that away from us. That’s what it’s all about.

What is the best in surf culture?

Beer, drugs, chicks, hot dudes, Christ, butts, the turbo-tunnel fin, the calf leash, Astrodeck, Angie Reno, Brothers Marshall gear.

What is the worst?

High-speed RED cam surf shots to Super 8 cutaways. Pollution and the clothes at Brothers Marshall.

How did you become such iconoclasts?

What does that mean? We are dumb surfers. You can’t use big words like this. We are just trying to bring some fun back to this world we love so much. It’s scary times. Let’s party!

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Parker: “Met some chubby ripe ladies!”

By Rory Parker

8 years ago

Rory Parker goes to Nicaragua in search of vulnerable travellers!

Ultimate decadence. Hot and sweaty world, a/c cranked so high you can see your breath. Sleep beneath a down comforter while the outside world bakes in an equatorial sun.

We’re situated above the bustle and bustle. Balcony overlooks bar row. Stumble drunk teens on their merry way. Second floor crocodiles looking to separate the weak from the herd.

Very nice hotel. More than I expected. Exactly one floor above check-in. They can hear everything.

Relatively mellow so far. Low energy on arrival. Eighteen hours of travel will kick your ass.

Unbridled fun at the farmacia doesn’t help with the pep. A half-dozen beers guzzled while waiting for check-in gives a temporary boost. But it’s a directionless manic energy. Better pop another Valium to get your head straight.

Out like a light for sixteen hours.

Woke up to excellent coffee. Amazing breakfast. High-speed WiFi. Included with the room. This place is a steal.

So stoked to be a grown-up.

Looking down my nose at the backpacker crowded. Packed into hostels like low-budget sardines. Breathing each others farts. Masturbating surreptitiously to the couple humping on the top bunk.

Why bother being quiet? Uninvited third-wheel menage action. Nothing wrong with that. Unfair to call someone a creep when there’s penetration three feet up.

Beer festival today!

Burgeoning micro-brew community down here. I’ll stick with the Toña. Rent a wheel barrow to cart around the wife. Met up with some chubby ripe young ladies. Will see them there.

They smell like prey.

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Dear Brazil: Obrigado very much!

By Chas Smith

8 years ago

American swimmer Ryan Lochte robbed at gunpoint! Forced to pay the public back for bad TV!

American swimmer Ryan Lochte is a bummer that comes around once every four years.

After London people thought his cray cray handsome cray was too hot to handle and so he got his own television show What Would Ryan Lochte Do? that might have been the worst thing to ever appear on the small screen. Let’s watch highlights!

Thankfully it failed quickly.

But there was no other punishment for him and he got to continue living without fear, without consequence.

Until he went to Brazil! Last night after his final swim event he was held up at gunpoint by robbers. Let’s read about it in The New York Times!

Four American swimmers, including the six-time gold medalist Ryan Lochte, were held up at gunpoint early Sunday morning, according to the United States Olympic Committee.

The other United States swimmers robbed, according to a statement from the committee, were Gunnar Bentz, Jack Conger and Jimmy Feigen.

“Their taxi was stopped by individuals posing as armed police officers who demanded the athletes’ money and other personal belongings,” a spokesman for the United States Olympic Committee said.

“All four athletes are safe and cooperating with authorities.”

Lochte told NBC News that one of the men put a cocked gun to his head.

“We got pulled over, in the taxi, and these guys came out with a badge, a police badge, no lights, no nothing just a police badge and they pulled us over,” Lochte said. “They pulled out their guns, they told the other swimmers to get down on the ground — they got down on the ground. I refused, I was like we didn’t do anything wrong, so — I’m not getting down on the ground.

“And then the guy pulled out his gun, he cocked it, put it to my forehead and he said, “Get down,” and I put my hands up, I was like ‘whatever.’ He took our money, he took my wallet — he left my cell phone, he left my credentials.”

“I was like whatever”…I suppose he is still living without fear. Too cool! Too sexy and I take it all back! Please gimme What Would Ryan Lochte Do II: The “Do You Feel Lucky Punk?” Years!

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Global warming: Let’s surf volcanoes!

By Chas Smith

8 years ago

An adventure for our hot new earth!

Global warming is real and upon us. Islands are sinking, world temperatures soaring, etc. And does it scare you? Are you worried for your own future? The future of your children?

Well don’t be!

Let’s watch Alison Teal surf a volcano!

That is what the Daily Mirror headline screamed and to be very fair she didn’t actually “surf” but rather bobbed on her board near a volcano. Still, brave! And picturesque! An accurate vision of our shared future maybe even! Let’s read about it!

A daredevil adventurer has become the first person to surf the base of an erupting volcano and swim within feet of flowing lava – and she did it in a bikini.

Amazing shots of the extreme surf session show Alison Teal riding her pink surfboard up to Kilauea Volcano in Hawaii as it erupted into the ocean.

Underwater photographer Perrin James snapped the brave explorer during the volcano’s first eruption since 2011, on August 3 2016.

Alison, 30, said: “This was a lifelong dream. It was humbling and breathtaking and hot.

“I was hoping to catch a wave, however, when I got in close I was hit by a spatter of hardening rock spray and I quickly ducked under water.

“I looked back and noticed a wave was coming and I paddled for my life to get out of the danger zone.

“Afterwards I was exhilarated and exhausted at the same time.

“It was absolute endorphin high, but also terrifying.

“Anything could have happened.”

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The Olympics unites us all! Or wait...does it?

Olympics: “We’re too cool for you!”

By Chas Smith

8 years ago

The debate as to whether surfing belongs or not has reached the pages of our most cherished newspaper!

Oh the surfing x olympics debate is priceless! It is wonderful! And the debate gets to rage for another four full years before Kanoa Igarashi paddles out in Japanese beach suck to compete for …. Japan? The United States? Who knows! And Cork Carroll doesn’t care!

Let’s read from today’s Wall Street Journal (a newspaper I love)!

After failing to win admittance to the last five Summer Olympics, surfing on Wednesday could be anointed a new sport at the 2020 Tokyo Games.

But don’t expect surfers of the world to unite in celebration. “Surfing is too cool for the Olympics,” said former professional surfer Corky Carroll, arguing that surfers don’t belong in any club that includes the likes of synchronized swimmers.

Any time a new sport enters the Olympics there are naysayers. But as the International Olympic Committee prepares on Wednesday to approve five new sports to debut at the Tokyo Games, an extraordinary degree of ambivalence, even hostility, is brewing within two of them—surfing and skateboarding.

“Skateboarding is not a ‘sport’ and we do not want skateboarding exploited and transformed to fit into the Olympic program,” says an online petition addressed to Thomas Bach, president of the IOC. The petition has gained nearly 7,000 of 10,000 hoped-for signatures.

Etc.

Read the rest here! Unless this debate bores you. Does it bore you?

How adorable is Corky Carroll?

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Eat beach grit spam!