The five habits of highly successful houseguests!
Lists are fun, right?
Wrong! Lists are lazy! Easiest possible way to pump out “content” for your website. A preponderance of lists is a sure sign of low pay, low motivation, and lack of talent.
But they’re useful, sometimes. They an make for fun little bite-sized pieces. Good filler when you’re feeling lazy. Or when you’re packed to overflowing with a simmering rage that you can’t unleash without sending someone to the hospital.
Like a bowl of mac and cheese. Gets the job done, nothing to take pride in.
5 Ways to be an amazing houseguest
1. Smoke a half ounce of weed in three days: Yeah, your host said his hookup is off island for a while, and it’s not as easy to get decent pot in Hawaii as everyone seems to think. But that’s no reason to pace yourself! Just get as retardedly high as you can, then complain when you run out.
“Hey, can we get some more weed?”
“No, this is it.”
“Don’t you know anyone?”
“No, I told you that. We’re out. You smoked it all.”
“I told you I wanted to buy my own.”
“We bought everything they had left. That was it. There is no more.”
“You have to know someone!”
“I don’t. I’m thirty-six. I don’t know many drug dealers anymore.”
2. Don’t lift a finger to help unless you’re asked: Then be sure to huff and puff and bitch and moan about it. You’re on vacation, why should you do any cleaning? Leave that shit for the maid. Oh, there’s no maid?
“I told you, I’ll do it later.”
3. Eat everything: When you’re invited to a barbecue, it’s important to bring something tasty. Like a pie, or a nice dish of mac salad, or a big ol’ bowl of pulled pork.
Delicious shredded pork simmered in shoyu and garlic and pineapple juice! So succulent it’ll make your mouth water.
Here’s the important part. While the grill is running, and everyone is distracted with beers and friendship and conversation, sit your ass down and eat the entire bowl! Like, seriously, four fucking pounds of pork. Make sure to leave a tiny scoop’s worth so you can say, “But I didn’t eat it all.”
4. Don’t leave the house: You’re in Hawaii, why would you leave the house? Lay down on the couch all day long. Pester your guest for weed he doesn’t have. Eat and eat and eat and eat. Don’t clean up after yourself. Be sure and do a half assed job when you are. Maybe scrape the bong for resin then leave that shit smeared across the kitchen counter. It’s not like people prepare food on it.
5. Don’t pay for anything: Don’t even offer.
For extra points, use your host’s credit card to buy your ticket home. Hopefully they’ll trust you to understand purchasing plane tickets online and not supervise the transaction. Use a sketchy website no one has ever heard of, then get their card flagged because of the fraudulent transactions. Everyone loves calling their credit card company and explaining that their card has not been stolen, they merely allowed a guest to give the number to a website which no one in their right mind would ever trust.
Don’t pay them back for the ticket until they’ve asked you a hundred times. If you ignore them long enough you may never have to pay them back at all!