The five habits of highly successful houseguests!
Lists are fun, right?
Wrong! Lists are lazy! Easiest possible way to pump out “content” for your website. A preponderance of lists is a sure sign of low pay, low motivation, and lack of talent.
But they’re useful, sometimes. They an make for fun little bite-sized pieces. Good filler when you’re feeling lazy. Or when you’re packed to overflowing with a simmering rage that you can’t unleash without sending someone to the hospital.
Like a bowl of mac and cheese. Gets the job done, nothing to take pride in.
5 Ways to be an amazing houseguest
1. Smoke a half ounce of weed in three days: Yeah, your host said his hookup is off island for a while, and it’s not as easy to get decent pot in Hawaii as everyone seems to think. But that’s no reason to pace yourself! Just get as retardedly high as you can, then complain when you run out.
“Hey, can we get some more weed?”
“No, this is it.”
“Don’t you know anyone?”
“No, I told you that. We’re out. You smoked it all.”
“I told you I wanted to buy my own.”
“We bought everything they had left. That was it. There is no more.”
“You have to know someone!”
“I don’t. I’m thirty-six. I don’t know many drug dealers anymore.”
2. Don’t lift a finger to help unless you’re asked: Then be sure to huff and puff and bitch and moan about it. You’re on vacation, why should you do any cleaning? Leave that shit for the maid. Oh, there’s no maid?
“I told you, I’ll do it later.”
3. Eat everything: When you’re invited to a barbecue, it’s important to bring something tasty. Like a pie, or a nice dish of mac salad, or a big ol’ bowl of pulled pork.
Delicious shredded pork simmered in shoyu and garlic and pineapple juice! So succulent it’ll make your mouth water.
Here’s the important part. While the grill is running, and everyone is distracted with beers and friendship and conversation, sit your ass down and eat the entire bowl! Like, seriously, four fucking pounds of pork. Make sure to leave a tiny scoop’s worth so you can say, “But I didn’t eat it all.”
4. Don’t leave the house: You’re in Hawaii, why would you leave the house? Lay down on the couch all day long. Pester your guest for weed he doesn’t have. Eat and eat and eat and eat. Don’t clean up after yourself. Be sure and do a half assed job when you are. Maybe scrape the bong for resin then leave that shit smeared across the kitchen counter. It’s not like people prepare food on it.
5. Don’t pay for anything: Don’t even offer.
For extra points, use your host’s credit card to buy your ticket home. Hopefully they’ll trust you to understand purchasing plane tickets online and not supervise the transaction. Use a sketchy website no one has ever heard of, then get their card flagged because of the fraudulent transactions. Everyone loves calling their credit card company and explaining that their card has not been stolen, they merely allowed a guest to give the number to a website which no one in their right mind would ever trust.
Don’t pay them back for the ticket until they’ve asked you a hundred times. If you ignore them long enough you may never have to pay them back at all!
ive done these things to a couple of fags in a couple places around the globe, fuck em
Sounds like its a step sibling..
nah just a lazy Floridian board builder who crashes on a lot of floors for terrible jobs, this chan guy sounds like fun tho…
knock the bong over…twice.
Paging Mrs Rory… Paging Mrs Rory…
“As a parting gift here are some truffles ( use the food dehydrator) that’s not corn”
Sounds like numbers 2, 3, and 4 might be a subset of number 1.
Feel your pain man. My brother in law is currently ensconced at ours. “Yeah, you can stay as long as you want says the wife/sister.” That’ll be me wandering around behind cleaning up the fucking coffee stains in various corners, searching for helpfully put away utensils in far flung places and paying for food/rent even though he just picked up a 200k payout from losing his job. I feel your pain…
You forgot: Rent car park like asshole so nobody else can park, make sure you wreck in to hosts car.
Sounds like the kinda guy who jerks off in your clean socks and puts them back in the drawer. Be vigilant.
Stop giving away the trade secrets! The Mexican waffle is my favorite, take a dump inside the fold out couch, fold it up nice and let them find the smell.
I’ve never heard of that one before.
I have a few ,classic upper Deckers packing the bong with DmT laced weed or salvia, and just leaving it for the “pre work toke “. Powdered mashed potatoes in a box on the attic door so when they open the attic it snows,sewing one pantleg up so they eat shit given, most my hosts were shitty and stole boards fins and templates , so forced karma.
I’m more often on the Rory side of these situations and I generally don’t stay at someone’s house if I fucking hate them or there’s a probability that shit will sour…this type of retribution should be reserved for enmity from roommate situations gone bad, cheater ex-partners, frat houses, parties at hipster neighbor house, etc.
But in those cases, there’s a way easier solution, if less creative: rob the motherfucker blind.
Most of the places I end up crashing it’s so they can rob me while I’m at work or surfing. I gave a new Mexican waffle to the Dick that stole my grandmas scissors she gave down to me from weiss that were actually made by nazi’s. Guests can be extorted too. A ” new Mexican waffle” is when you are just on the couch so you lift a pillow up and let out, put the pillow back. Stealing my only godamn heirloom nazi scissors that,ah fuck it.
You’re gonna kill this guy, aren’t you?
He’s on silk road looking up hitmen.
I’ve heard he drinks straight from the milk container when you are not looking.