Parker: “Was Tahiti Any Good?”

What did I miss while I was away?

I feel terrible.

Don’t handle failure well. Not when I’m emotionally invested. Which I very much was when it came to my recent freedive trip. So I’m just sitting here in my pit of despair stewing in self-hatred and waiting for the sun to crack back through the looming cloud of gloom.

A series of hurricanes is coming to kill me.

Standard shit, really.

To top it off my lovely wife picked up a cold as she started to mend. Was kind enough to pass it along to me. Now my head’s full of cement and my throat is lined with knives and I wish I believed that suicide was something more than a coward’s way out.

Boo-fucking-hoo. Life is soooooo hard.

But there’s a bright side! Today I get to pick up my brother-in-law from the airport. He’s moving in with us for some undetermined length of time while he decides whether he wants to move to Kauai.

He’s a great kid and I love him to death. But our spacious two bedroom is far less so with a third person kicking around the place. And I was not consulted about this. Only informed and told to deal.

Anyway… blah blah blah. I needed to vent, you fuckers get to read it. On to the point. What’d I miss? Just short of a month with spotty, at best, internet service. Something cool must have happened.

I see John John’s wearing that stupid yellow jersey! How grand. I didn’t watch a moment of Tahiti. Was it any good?

Any good scandals drop? A glance at your dear BG shows Surfstitch continues to circle the drain. Maybe we could put together some crowdfunding deal to purchase FCS. Make sure no one else gets their greedy mitts on it. Band together to put a much needed bullet in the fin system’s head.

Any good health knowledge on the Inertia? I nearly lost my shit at a lady giving nonsense medical advice the other day. Freaking out about my wife’s Hep A status, told to simmer some weed in coconut oil and apply it to her joints. So fucking sick of hippy-dippy snake oil. Every dumb fuck with a dream catcher hanging from their rear view mirror seems to thinks they have a license to practice medicine.

Maybe y’all could catch me up in the comments? Or not. Whatever.

As far as the final installment in my Nicaragua odyssey… you’re gonna have to wait a day. Turns out the wife put her own version of the events to paper while she was battling E.Coli. Interesting take on things. Not how I remember it, but I’ve never claimed to own an objective truth. Or maybe I have. It’s hard to remember. I spew a lot of nonsense.

She’s, rightfully, terrified to expose something she’s written to the pack of jackals who frequent our comment section. But she put it in my hands. Too late to back out now.

The piece needs an edit. Will probably plop in my own asides. But the mystery is near an end. All the salacious details will be staring out at you from a computer screen very soon.