New brand seeks derelict surfers!

8 years ago

"They don't build 'em like Christian Fletcher anymore..." or do they?

There was a time in surfing’s illustrious history when talent was found not made. When scraggly boys with snarling attitudes ripped beach breaks and point breaks and reef breaks not because daddy wanted them to make millions of dollars on professional surfing tours but because their hearts beat bad.

And hasn’t daddy just wrecked it all? Turned the scraggly boys into li’l machines! Turned them into empty-headed robots check-turning robots!

Turned them on to homeschooling!

And these homeschooled vessels with every edge sanded right off, sanded right down to Crest Whitestrip smiles, are the modern faces of the brands. They are our icons!

Except I heard the most wonderful rumor the other day. I heard that one man, who comes to us from skate and music, is out to change all that lame and his name is Damon Way.

Does it sound familiar? Oh but it should!

You’ll remember Damon as part of the heated rumors surrounding Dane Reynolds and co.’s aborted brand Destroyer. It was whispered that he would be the genius behind it all because he is a genius, having created/sold DC and a heap of other things.

Destroyer died in a heap of bloated ego (allegedly!) but Damon don’t need it because he has Fact. a white hot skate/music brand that the kids are . And rumor has it that he is thinking about dipping into the surfs!

A very good source tells me he was posted on the sand at Trestles very recently, wearing all black, scouting talent, trying to find the right surfer to fit the Fact. ethos. Scraggle. Snarl.

But maybe his trip was unsuccessful. He was heard mumbling, “They don’t build ’em like Christian Fletcher anymore…” as he headed back up the path, though my very good source says he’s not giving up.

Ditch daddy, boys! Head down to Trestles and get wild!

Homeschool’s out for summer!

Homeschool’s out forever!

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Terror: Death Storms to Stomp Hawaii!

By Rory Parker

8 years ago

Hawaiian hurricane terror is real!

Hawaii hurricane terror is real. Streets flooded with people going about their business. Overcast skies! Palm trees swaying in pleasant sea breezes.

But it’s only a matter of time ’til the rush. Families flocking to their nearest market. Mass hoarding of toilet paper and bottled water and light beer. Pure anarchy!

As of two pm Wednesday afternoon two class twelve death hurricanes are rapidly spinning their way towards our idyllic tropical archipelago. One has been named after a cookie, the other after that uncle who once cornered you at a family gathering and jammed his finger up your ass.

Hawaii Governor David Ige has declared a state of emergency! Schools will be closed!

Madeline will most likely bash herself to death against the southern shores of the Big Island. Residents of Puna will be cut off for weeks!

They’ll barely notice. Business as usual in that off-grid neck of the woods. Some generators will fail, residents will be forced to drink tepid Steinlager.

One has been named after a cookie, the other after that uncle who once cornered you at a family gathering and jammed his finger up your ass.

Lester is forecast to swoop north through the island chain, destroying everything in its wake. Hits Kauai on Saturday.

Is this to be a repeat of Iniki?

Gnarly time out here. People tell stories. Horrible consequences in the fighting chicken world as hundreds of coops were destroyed. Prize game cocks scattered to the four winds.

I’m appropriately nervous. Raised in Southern California, I can handle earthquakes. Wind and rain, not so much.

But I’m prepared! Cases of bottled water, spare batteries for flashlights, a huge amount of fireworks I bought this past Fourth of July and never used. A handle of Jameson Whiskey a guest left behind and half a bottle of Cognac Derek sent me for Christmas! Probably barter both of those for some child slaves.

Once the DTs start kicking in it’ll be a seller’s market.

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On to the point. What'd I miss? Just short of a month with spotty, at best, internet service. Something cool must have happened. I see John John's wearing that stupid yellow jersey! How grand. I didn't watch a moment of Tahiti. Was it any good? | Photo: WSL

Parker: “Was Tahiti Any Good?”

By Rory Parker

8 years ago

What did I miss while I was away?

I feel terrible.

Don’t handle failure well. Not when I’m emotionally invested. Which I very much was when it came to my recent freedive trip. So I’m just sitting here in my pit of despair stewing in self-hatred and waiting for the sun to crack back through the looming cloud of gloom.

A series of hurricanes is coming to kill me.

Standard shit, really.

To top it off my lovely wife picked up a cold as she started to mend. Was kind enough to pass it along to me. Now my head’s full of cement and my throat is lined with knives and I wish I believed that suicide was something more than a coward’s way out.

Boo-fucking-hoo. Life is soooooo hard.

But there’s a bright side! Today I get to pick up my brother-in-law from the airport. He’s moving in with us for some undetermined length of time while he decides whether he wants to move to Kauai.

He’s a great kid and I love him to death. But our spacious two bedroom is far less so with a third person kicking around the place. And I was not consulted about this. Only informed and told to deal.

Anyway… blah blah blah. I needed to vent, you fuckers get to read it. On to the point. What’d I miss? Just short of a month with spotty, at best, internet service. Something cool must have happened.

I see John John’s wearing that stupid yellow jersey! How grand. I didn’t watch a moment of Tahiti. Was it any good?

Any good scandals drop? A glance at your dear BG shows Surfstitch continues to circle the drain. Maybe we could put together some crowdfunding deal to purchase FCS. Make sure no one else gets their greedy mitts on it. Band together to put a much needed bullet in the fin system’s head.

Any good health knowledge on the Inertia? I nearly lost my shit at a lady giving nonsense medical advice the other day. Freaking out about my wife’s Hep A status, told to simmer some weed in coconut oil and apply it to her joints. So fucking sick of hippy-dippy snake oil. Every dumb fuck with a dream catcher hanging from their rear view mirror seems to thinks they have a license to practice medicine.

Maybe y’all could catch me up in the comments? Or not. Whatever.

As far as the final installment in my Nicaragua odyssey… you’re gonna have to wait a day. Turns out the wife put her own version of the events to paper while she was battling E.Coli. Interesting take on things. Not how I remember it, but I’ve never claimed to own an objective truth. Or maybe I have. It’s hard to remember. I spew a lot of nonsense.

She’s, rightfully, terrified to expose something she’s written to the pack of jackals who frequent our comment section. But she put it in my hands. Too late to back out now.

The piece needs an edit. Will probably plop in my own asides. But the mystery is near an end. All the salacious details will be staring out at you from a computer screen very soon.

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Rumour: Surfstitch to sell FCS!

By Derek Rielly

8 years ago

Surfstitch flags asset sales after $155 million loss…

Can you believe it’s been nine months since the online surf emporium Surfstitch scooped up Fin Control System for $A23.7 million? Don’t time fly.

A good buy? Yeah, it was.

Twelve from twelve event wins at one point even if the iconic Australian shaper Maurice Cole describes the FCS II system as the “the worst fucking fin system on the market.”

Several minutes ago, however, BeachGrit’s Bondi bureau received a call from an industry insider who said FCS was back on the market, Surfstitch looking to sell off assets after posting a $155 million loss, its shares falling 45 per cent to 11 cents. The group’s share price, which peaked at $2.09 in 2015, has now collapsed more than 95 per cent.

So what’s that all mean for FCS? SFR (Surfstitch Group Limited) has “flagged asset sales, including a plan to put a subsidiary it bought just nine months ago back on the block,” reports The Australian.

Nine months? FCS.

Want to buy?

In happier news, the ABC reports that “Co-founder Lex Pedersen – who stepped in as interim chief executive after the departure of Mr Cameron – saw his base salary for the year jump from $280,000 to $634,000… The board failed to declare a dividend, although this was not a surprise.”

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Who doesn't love a little JOB inflammable jackassery? Let's ask BC locals! | Photo: JOB

Blood Feud: JOB vs British Colombia!

By Derek Rielly

8 years ago

Episode of JOB infuriates environmentalists! Panics Red Bull!

I doubt if there’s anything funnier than watching a big company go into panic mode because of some kinda “controversial” content creating a ruckus. All those managers, fearful of losing their sixty-k-a-year salaries, twitching and gasping like fish on the deck of a boat as they shift blame further and further down the hierarchical ladder.

Therefore, I can picture the frenzied scene at Red Bull over the last few days when it was reported that Jamie O’Brien had possibly used a gasoline accelerant for one of his Who is JOB stunts in a “sensitive watershed” in British Colombia.

In the latest episode of Who is JOB, which has since been pulled from YouTube, “the video features a scene where stunts are performed over a log sticking out of Kennedy Lake,” reports BC Local News. “The log is set on fire and online commenters quickly accused the troupe of pouring gasoline to set the blaze… Ministry of Environment spokesperson David Karn told the Westerly the B.C. Conservation Officer Service is looking into the situation.

‘The complaint was submitted via the RAPP [Report All Poachers and Polluters] line, and will be considered by the CO as to whether it warrants investigation,’ Karn said.

“While the video does not show any flame accelerants, Tofino local Josh Temple told the Westerly News he is ‘100 per cent” positive that petroleum products were used. ‘I’ve spoken with several of the people that were actually there,” he said. ‘No ifs ands or buts; it was gasoline.'”

In the story, Temple said he, “immediately reported the video to the Department of Fisheries and Oceans Canada as well as B.C.’s Ministry of Environment. ‘I want to see a full investigation,’ he said. ‘I want to see a public apology from Red Bull and Jamie O’Brien and I want to see them come to the table with some sort of restitution and a way to make this right.’

“Temple said ignorance would not be an acceptable excuse from either the company or O’Brien. ‘You can’t tell me that they didn’t know what they were doing was wrong,’ he said. ‘You can’t tell me that somebody is going to say straight faced that they thought taking petroleum products, dumping them into a pristine wilderness environment and lighting them on fire was a good idea and that it would be okay for the environment. You can’t tell me that. So, obviously, they’re not thinking about it or, worst-case scenario, they were thinking about it and just didn’t care.’

Do you think Red Bull, who sold five-point-three billion cans of its sugar-filled caffeine drink in 2013 cares and it was simply the wilful behaviour of Jamie O’Brien? Or was JOB instructed by his Austrian masters to poison the BC wilderness?

Option C, none of the above.

Read the story here.

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