San Clemente's Brett Simpson, an unfancied surfer while
on tour, played the part of the white unicorn at Trestles!
Unbelievably magical. Fairy tales do come true! | Photo: Peter
King
Watch: Simpo is the Lowers Unicorn!
By Derek Rielly
Compelling final episode of #TourNotes from the
Hurley Pro…
As I’ve posited before, is a tour event really over
unless Peter King has dropped his climatic episode of
#TourNotes?
In this episode of #TourNotes, and which you can access via
the WSL site at the bottom of the page, is a tribute to the Hurley
Pro, an event that soared hither and yon, upwards and sideways and
through a torrent of tears and hissed
accusations.
First, he swats Matt Wilkinson, the early leader for the world
title in round two.
Second, he almost doubles John John Florence’s heat score to
give the current number one a second-last place.
Third, Michel Bourez is similarly despatched in round five.
It takes eventual contest winner Jordy Smith to extinguish
Simpo’s flame in the quarter finals.
“It took the Lowers Giant to get me. Sucked the air right out of
me!” says Simpo.
This #TourNotes is not memorable for those things, but
these: we see John John gamely shake the hand of Simpo after
losing what he clearly thought was an unloseable heat; a not very
gorgeous boy is set up to ask Kelly for John John’s autograph
and, best of all, Miguel Pupo makes fun of Michel Bourez and his
ghastly backside hop: “When I saw that Bourez air, I think it
was…cute. (It made me) remember when I was young and
I pulled my first air”.
Filipe, meanwhile, is busy with baby showers and his Fantasy
Surfer team.
Four essential ingredients! You won't believe what
they are!
One evening, not long ago, I got drunk with a
couple lawyers and a journalist employed by our local paper. POG
and vodkas, loads of gossip. Very fun.
The journo, a gorgeous and intelligent young woman who is,
sadly, happily paired off, was complaining about the censorship she
deals with at her job. Because our local paper ain’t hardly a hard
news. More like the Springfield Shopper.
A bit tipsy, we chatted about the state of journalism and our
very different roles within that world. She’s a committed
soul. Got a degree and everything. Truly believes she can make the
world a better place. I’m a bit more jaded. Don’t know if objective
“truth” exists at all. If it does, damn sure I won’t recognize
it.
She called me a “citizen journalist.” I think it was meant as a
compliment. I didn’t take it as such. It’s a term I don’t much care
for. Like “blogger.” Don’t call me a fucking blogger.
After looking up the meaning of boffin, I skimmed it. In
summary: surfers need to be fit.
Duh. Closes with:
There is no ideal body type for surfing — this is a reason
why surfing is such an inclusive sport. I have worked with
successful athletes that are short and stocky, to tall and lanky
and everything in between.
Feel-good nonsense, of course. Two body types work best. Short
and skinny, or short and stocky.
Yeah, couple tall dudes always around. But they’re freaks. Being
big ain’t good for acrobatic shit. Just reaching stuff on the top
shelf. And paddling. Long-ass monkey arms are good for
paddling.
Got me thinking, though. Could you build the perfect pro surfer?
What would it take? What would they need?
But the honest-to-fake-god truth is that, if you want to be more
than an above-average surfer, you need to start shredding before
your balls sprout their first hairs. And you probably want to have
an early puberty too. Growing in leaps and bounds in your late
teens and early twenties fucking sucks. I speak from personal
experience. A late in life body change will fuck your shit up
forever.
Lily white life:This might be US
specific. I don’t know. Not terribly familiar with race relations
in other countries.
But here in the good ol’ US of A we did a fairly effective job
of keeping the darker races away from the
ocean. Especially in the OC, home to California’s surf
industry ghetto and, to this day, one of the honkiest places on
Earth.
Even better if you’ve got a highly educated mother who quit her
career to raise the kids. Motivated, frustrated, devoid of personal
interests. She’ll be more than happy to waste her weekends driving
up and down the coast and sitting around, waiting for her
offspring’s next heat.
Cultivate a lower than average
intelligence:I’m not saying all pro surfers
are dumb, only that it’s easier to attain laser beam focus on a
solitary pursuit when there’s not much rattling around
upstairs.
Outside interests are a death knell for blooming talent. What
worse for an NSSA dominator than to discover a love for music, or
painting, or reading? All of them are time sucks. Keep you out of
the water thinking about more than sliding your next wave.
Thankfully, we have the home school system. You can yank your
kid from school, keep those blinders on. Make sure that he’s cursed
with chasing a dream he declared during childhood.
A love for Christ:So many
Christian surf groups out there. Jesus-themed clothing companies
sprout and die like weeds. Great for early career sponsorships.
Free gear, some stickers. Maybe a few bucks for contest entry.
Yeah, the god shouters’ll never capture enough market share to
finance a title campaign, but they can lend legitimacy to young
talent. Stickers on the board, word of mouth referrals. A rep for
being easy to manage, while lacking critical thinking skills, is a
boon to any team manager. Pass the plate after chanting to the
void, maybe wrangle enough to finance a boat trip, complete with
church sanctioned photographer. He loves nothing more than shooting
pics of moist young hairless boys. It’s his art!
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Surf rage now attempted murder!
By Chas Smith
Will this possibility change the way you roll?
There was that one time, right, when some guy
cut you off riding an egg shape with flames no less, and it
infuriated you. Oh his attitude only made it worse all arrogant and
“what, bro, it was my wave…” vibey.
A nasty man. He cut off lots of other guys too and was wearing
aqua-sox! Then you again and enough!
Enough enough!
You ordered him to shore to hand him a beating.
But what if you pulled him underwater for a minute and were then
on the line for attempted murder?
Oooo-ee! What a bad day!
This has, apparently, just happened in Hawaii (minus the egg
shape with flames and aqua-sox) with a 39 year old man and a 19
year old boy.
Is twenty years too big a gap to rage?
Probably yes!
But should it deserve an attempted murder charge?
Maybe yes!
Let’s, anyhow, read about it!
A 39-year-old man is facing an attempted murder charge in
connection with a fight at a North Shore surf spot.
Police say the suspect and a 16-year-old boy were surfing at
Velzyland when they got into a fight. Police say the suspect
allegedly briefly held the victim underwater .
Police were called and the suspect was arrested at the scene
for attempted murder. He has yet to be charged.
And what do you think? If you were a sitting judge would you
toss the book at the 39 year old or wink his way and say, “Don’t do
it again…” before winking again?
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Rejoice men of bigger size! This is your era! | Photo:
The one, the only, Steve Sherman/@t-sherms
Jordy Smith and the plus size
revolution!
By Chas Smith
Rejoice! You could maybe still be a professional
surfer! (But not me. Too skinny!)
Isn’t it wonderful to see stereotype turned
straight upon its head? To be surprised by an unexpected outcome?
To have the underdog come out on top, the dark horse pull ahead,
the fates plundered? Of course it is and we were treated to a
healthy portion of “Wow! Really?” just yesterday.
The final for the Hurley Pro in shrinking Trestles
featuring one Filipe Toledo and one Jordy Smith.
Now, on paper, Filipe should clearly win. The lithe Brazilian
barely tips the scales at 125 lbs (56 kg) and floats like a dainty
butterfly on the morning breezes. He is exactly the body type that
nature has crafted for our modern surfing game. Like a jockey! Oh
his children will even be smaller than he, likely in the 105 lbs
range (47 kg), and sail out to sea if the morning breezes are doing
anything other than whispering.
Jordy, on the other hand, is described only ever as “big.” The
World Surf League blasted out its victory missive as soon as the
final horn blew and it screamed “The Big South African used his
hips to hammer the smaller competition into submission!” Or
something close (I didn’t in fact read past the word “big”).
And big he is.
I don’t dare as to guess his weight (? kg) but can comfortably
assume that two Filipe Toledos and three of the future Toledo
children could easily fit inside one of Jordy’s ham hocks and with
room to spare!
And yet Jordy took the day! He was the one who soared on wings
of eagles, who plundered the fates, who danced the samba and smiled
so big.
A glorious, curvaceous surprise!
Which makes me wonder, in this age of Li’l Kim are skinny boys
totally out of fashion? Without the proverbial “junk in the trunk”
will tour surfers fall like autumn leaves?
Is Jordy Smith our Kim Kardashian?
And do you thrill at the democratization of body-type? That
anyone regardless of form or figure can reach number 4 in the world
and number 1 in the heart?
Who needs jockeys when we’ve got love!
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The world number four! | Photo: WSL
Just in: Jordy Smith Wins Hurley Pro!
By Rory Parker
Survives rivers of tears and blood!
I had a bit of a lay in this morning. Didn’t
get out of bed until nine. Lovely way to start the day. I’m feeling
well rested despite a trip to the bar last night.
Speaking of which, Rob’s
Good Times Grill, in Lihue, has what might be the
best happy hour on the island. Half-priced pupus until 5pm, $3.25
draft beers until 6.
No hangover, and I get to watch finals day via heat analyzer. A
true blessing when the surf ain’t the best. Which was the case
today. Very fun looking. Contestable, for sure. It was pretty good.
It was alright. It wasn’t great. But it was fine.
Trestles has definitely been amusing. More drama than you can
shake a stick at. Online brazzos freaking the fuck out. Conspiracy
theories. Little league dad behavior.
So embarrassing!
Truly, the father/son dynamic in the Medina, and Toledo,
households is more than a little strange. But it got both kids to
the big leagues, and you can’t shit talk results. And they are
Brazilians, a nationality I think, at this point, has firmly
established itself as a nation full of the world’s worst losers.
Worst winners too.
Their behavior at the Olympics was appalling.
Did you know there’s no word for sportsmanship in
Portuguese?
That’s not true. But it’d be funny if it were.
The thing about being a grown man, you fight your own battles.
Can’t have a parent or spouse do it for you. It stinks of weakness,
and fear, and immaturity. Which is why I won’t let my wife comment
on BeachGrit. Occasionally one of you vicious fuckers’ll
deliver a barb that gets through my thick skin, and she’ll want to
battle it out in the comments section.
“No no no no no no no! I do not need my wife to defend me!” I
only need her support me financially.
There are times in life when, right or wrong, you need to button
your lip and move on. Nothing you say or do will fix the situation.
You’ll only make yourself, or those around you, look bad. Like sore
losers. Like sore losers who’ve been on the fun side of bad judging
a million times but can’t take the sting when it goes against
them.
To be sure, the WSL judging is often terrible. But there ain’t
no conspiracy. It’s just that the judging criteria is terrible and
poorly implemented and I often suspect the judges understand the
scores as well as the rest of us. Which is to say not at all.
Tyler Wright won the women’s event! Hooray for her. Gotta
love that magnificent woman.
Jordy v Flying Llama
Filipe started off the heat with a nifty frontside rev.
Manufactured it from a shitty wave. Couple quick pumps, blasted the
tail overhead. Got handed an 8.33. A high score for a single
maneuver wave. Especially when the maneuver in question is pretty
standard, by top tier standards. No grab, no tweak. Just a cool air
he can do in his sleep.
Putting the first wave in the excellent range, especially when
it isn’t really, paints the judges into a corner and forces them to
score anything better ridiculously high. Which is more or less what
happened.
Filipe second scoring wave was a backside bonkfest. Nothing
special, just good tactics. Back up your first wave with a solid
second score. Very often enough to get you through. Especially when
the surf is dropping and long lulls are lurking menace.
The South African’s first scoring ride was a strong
three-to-the-beach number. Like Ross said, “He was pushing hard.”
Rewarded with an 8.0. Should’ve been a seven. But Filipe’s air
should’ve been a 6.5.
Filipe in the lead, but Jordy surfing better. Judges in real
trouble again. Need to fix it with a bump.
Which they delivered to Smith in the form of a grossly
over-scored 9.23.
Yeah, Jordy deserved to win the heat. Yeah, I guess the current
system means the judges add points to make up for fumbles early on.
But it’s confusing and upsetting and, if I were the type to bet
money on surfing, I’d lose my mind over it. Impossible to handicap
this shit. I’ll stick to laying my money on the chicken fights.
Sure, they’re fixed, sometimes. Just don’t bet on the sketchy
Filipino dude with the remarkably sedate bird.
Galifianakis v Parko
The first exchange was pretty hot. T. Gargaflopolous used his
backhand to bash a tiny right six times. Good surfing, plenty of
flow. Seven point five… okay, that works.
Parko answered back the way Parko does. Three hard frontside
fins out bashes, a floater and end section bonk tossed in for good
measure. Got a half point nod on Gudang. Seems fair to me.
Gudang grabbed a nothing score after Parko’s 8. Parko traded
back a 5.83 to grab the lead.
Gudauskas snagged an ugly right where he got caught behind the
section, had to pet the cat of the way to the shoulder, then did
some worthless wiggles. He needed a 6.34, got a 6.27. Still too
high, by my reckoning.
And it got confusing again. Parko parko’ed his next wave, flow
smashed his way to a 6.43. Solidified his lead, but not by much.
Definitely more than .16 better.
Nail biter with five minutes left. Tanner cookie-cuttered a
right to the inside. Needed a 6.94. Didn’t get it.
Still a great result for a Gudauskas. Because, let’s admit it,
none of them belong on tour. Like Simpo, they’ll sometimes surprise
you. Can easily smash their way through a ‘QS event. But they lack
the magic it takes for the big leagues. Better off sticking with
the freesurf circuit. Start dropping clips on the regular. Play up
the family angle. Move in to production or sales or something.
Malloy it, basically.
Final: Parko v Jordy
The final underwhelmed, as they often do. Dying well, dropping
tide, I don’t know. But the first ten minutes drug by without a
wave ridden.
Jordy won the minor battle for first wave. Three strong turns
into a failed tail slide at the end. Got a five. Should’ve been
higher, based on earlier rounds. First three cutbacks were very
strong and smooth. But each heat exists in a vacuum, supposedly.
Right? And he fell, which means they deduct points. I think.
Smith backed it up with a six before Joel put a single point on
the board. Then caught his third wave, which really wasn’t all that
difference from his first. Judges gave him an 8.17. Yeah, he landed
his “end section maneuver,” but it was a dead ball bonk.
7.4 for his next wave. An air to turns combo number. Better than
the one before, I thought.
By this point it was pretty obvious Jordy had it wrapped up. In
a rhythm, getting every wave that came through. Parko bobbing
around the lineup like a potato. Blew the end section air on his
first real score.
Earned an 8.43 for his next. Very well ridden, I’d call it a
full point better than Jordy’s 8.17.
Which wouldn’t have mattered, really. Parko would’ve still been
sitting point one behind.
Jordy grabbed his final wave with forty five seconds left, did a
solid job dismantling it. Took a stupid little bow at the end.
It dawned on me the other day, in regards to all the claiming
going on these days.
Guys don’t claim because they’re surfing well. They’re throwing
out claims because they think they’re winning. Performance has
nothing to do with it. It’s only about results. Which is just
straight up dork shit.
Anyway, in the end the judging was weird, but Jordy deserved the
win. Bumped him up to fourth place on the Tour. Put his first world
title within reach. Good for him.
That’s the end for what’s been an amusing event. Not because of
anything the WSL did, at least intentionally. But a fun experience
nonetheless.
One parting thought, after watching Turpel do his post event
podium shout out:
Joe’s gained some weight, huh? Got some belly pushing at those
buttons these days.
Men’s Hurley Pro Final Results:
1 – Jordy Smith (ZAF) 15.80
2 – Joel Parkinson (AUS) 15.36
Men’s Hurley Pro Semifinal Results:
SF 1: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 17.23 def. Filipe Toledo (BRA) 14.50
SF 2: Joel Parkinson (AUS) 14.43 def. Tanner Gudauskas (USA)
14.33
2016 WSL Jeep Leaderboard Top 5 (After Hurley
Pro)
1. John John Florence (HAW) 41,650
2. Gabriel Medina (BRA) 37,450
3. Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 36,500
4. Jordy Smith (ZAF) 35,200
5. Kelly Slater (USA) 29,650
Swatch Women’s Pro Final Results:
1 – Tyler Wright (AUS) 17.13
2- Stephanie Gilmore (AUS) 15.13
Swatch Women’s Pro Semifinal Results:
SF 1: Tyler Wright (AUS) 14.60 def. Sage Erickson (USA) 14.17
SF 2: Stephanie Gilmore (AUS) 18.60 def. Nikki Van Dijk (AUS)
14.60
