Survives rivers of tears and blood!
I had a bit of a lay in this morning. Didn’t get out of bed until nine. Lovely way to start the day. I’m feeling well rested despite a trip to the bar last night.
Speaking of which, Rob’s Good Times Grill, in Lihue, has what might be the best happy hour on the island. Half-priced pupus until 5pm, $3.25 draft beers until 6.
Quite the bargain by Kauai standards.
It’s also a great place to get your teeth knocked in if you’re a tourist who likes to run his mouth.
No hangover, and I get to watch finals day via heat analyzer. A true blessing when the surf ain’t the best. Which was the case today. Very fun looking. Contestable, for sure. It was pretty good. It was alright. It wasn’t great. But it was fine.
Trestles has definitely been amusing. More drama than you can shake a stick at. Online brazzos freaking the fuck out. Conspiracy theories. Little league dad behavior.
So embarrassing!
Truly, the father/son dynamic in the Medina, and Toledo, households is more than a little strange. But it got both kids to the big leagues, and you can’t shit talk results. And they are Brazilians, a nationality I think, at this point, has firmly established itself as a nation full of the world’s worst losers. Worst winners too.
Their behavior at the Olympics was appalling.
Did you know there’s no word for sportsmanship in Portuguese?
That’s not true. But it’d be funny if it were.
The thing about being a grown man, you fight your own battles. Can’t have a parent or spouse do it for you. It stinks of weakness, and fear, and immaturity. Which is why I won’t let my wife comment on BeachGrit. Occasionally one of you vicious fuckers’ll deliver a barb that gets through my thick skin, and she’ll want to battle it out in the comments section.
“No no no no no no no! I do not need my wife to defend me!” I only need her support me financially.
There are times in life when, right or wrong, you need to button your lip and move on. Nothing you say or do will fix the situation. You’ll only make yourself, or those around you, look bad. Like sore losers. Like sore losers who’ve been on the fun side of bad judging a million times but can’t take the sting when it goes against them.
To be sure, the WSL judging is often terrible. But there ain’t no conspiracy. It’s just that the judging criteria is terrible and poorly implemented and I often suspect the judges understand the scores as well as the rest of us. Which is to say not at all.
Tyler Wright won the women’s event! Hooray for her. Gotta love that magnificent woman.
Jordy v Flying Llama
Filipe started off the heat with a nifty frontside rev. Manufactured it from a shitty wave. Couple quick pumps, blasted the tail overhead. Got handed an 8.33. A high score for a single maneuver wave. Especially when the maneuver in question is pretty standard, by top tier standards. No grab, no tweak. Just a cool air he can do in his sleep.
Putting the first wave in the excellent range, especially when it isn’t really, paints the judges into a corner and forces them to score anything better ridiculously high. Which is more or less what happened.
Filipe second scoring wave was a backside bonkfest. Nothing special, just good tactics. Back up your first wave with a solid second score. Very often enough to get you through. Especially when the surf is dropping and long lulls are lurking menace.
The South African’s first scoring ride was a strong three-to-the-beach number. Like Ross said, “He was pushing hard.” Rewarded with an 8.0. Should’ve been a seven. But Filipe’s air should’ve been a 6.5.
Filipe in the lead, but Jordy surfing better. Judges in real trouble again. Need to fix it with a bump.
Which they delivered to Smith in the form of a grossly over-scored 9.23.
Yeah, Jordy deserved to win the heat. Yeah, I guess the current system means the judges add points to make up for fumbles early on. But it’s confusing and upsetting and, if I were the type to bet money on surfing, I’d lose my mind over it. Impossible to handicap this shit. I’ll stick to laying my money on the chicken fights.
Sure, they’re fixed, sometimes. Just don’t bet on the sketchy Filipino dude with the remarkably sedate bird.
Galifianakis v Parko
The first exchange was pretty hot. T. Gargaflopolous used his backhand to bash a tiny right six times. Good surfing, plenty of flow. Seven point five… okay, that works.
Parko answered back the way Parko does. Three hard frontside fins out bashes, a floater and end section bonk tossed in for good measure. Got a half point nod on Gudang. Seems fair to me.
Gudang grabbed a nothing score after Parko’s 8. Parko traded back a 5.83 to grab the lead.
Gudauskas snagged an ugly right where he got caught behind the section, had to pet the cat of the way to the shoulder, then did some worthless wiggles. He needed a 6.34, got a 6.27. Still too high, by my reckoning.
And it got confusing again. Parko parko’ed his next wave, flow smashed his way to a 6.43. Solidified his lead, but not by much. Definitely more than .16 better.
Nail biter with five minutes left. Tanner cookie-cuttered a right to the inside. Needed a 6.94. Didn’t get it.
Still a great result for a Gudauskas. Because, let’s admit it, none of them belong on tour. Like Simpo, they’ll sometimes surprise you. Can easily smash their way through a ‘QS event. But they lack the magic it takes for the big leagues. Better off sticking with the freesurf circuit. Start dropping clips on the regular. Play up the family angle. Move in to production or sales or something.
Malloy it, basically.
Final: Parko v Jordy
The final underwhelmed, as they often do. Dying well, dropping tide, I don’t know. But the first ten minutes drug by without a wave ridden.
Jordy won the minor battle for first wave. Three strong turns into a failed tail slide at the end. Got a five. Should’ve been higher, based on earlier rounds. First three cutbacks were very strong and smooth. But each heat exists in a vacuum, supposedly. Right? And he fell, which means they deduct points. I think.
Smith backed it up with a six before Joel put a single point on the board. Then caught his third wave, which really wasn’t all that difference from his first. Judges gave him an 8.17. Yeah, he landed his “end section maneuver,” but it was a dead ball bonk.
7.4 for his next wave. An air to turns combo number. Better than the one before, I thought.
By this point it was pretty obvious Jordy had it wrapped up. In a rhythm, getting every wave that came through. Parko bobbing around the lineup like a potato. Blew the end section air on his first real score.
Earned an 8.43 for his next. Very well ridden, I’d call it a full point better than Jordy’s 8.17.
Which wouldn’t have mattered, really. Parko would’ve still been sitting point one behind.
Jordy grabbed his final wave with forty five seconds left, did a solid job dismantling it. Took a stupid little bow at the end.
It dawned on me the other day, in regards to all the claiming going on these days.
Guys don’t claim because they’re surfing well. They’re throwing out claims because they think they’re winning. Performance has nothing to do with it. It’s only about results. Which is just straight up dork shit.
Anyway, in the end the judging was weird, but Jordy deserved the win. Bumped him up to fourth place on the Tour. Put his first world title within reach. Good for him.
That’s the end for what’s been an amusing event. Not because of anything the WSL did, at least intentionally. But a fun experience nonetheless.
One parting thought, after watching Turpel do his post event podium shout out:
Joe’s gained some weight, huh? Got some belly pushing at those buttons these days.
Men’s Hurley Pro Final Results:
1 – Jordy Smith (ZAF) 15.80
2 – Joel Parkinson (AUS) 15.36
Men’s Hurley Pro Semifinal Results:
SF 1: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 17.23 def. Filipe Toledo (BRA) 14.50
SF 2: Joel Parkinson (AUS) 14.43 def. Tanner Gudauskas (USA) 14.33
2016 WSL Jeep Leaderboard Top 5 (After Hurley Pro)
1. John John Florence (HAW) 41,650
2. Gabriel Medina (BRA) 37,450
3. Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 36,500
4. Jordy Smith (ZAF) 35,200
5. Kelly Slater (USA) 29,650
Swatch Women’s Pro Final Results:
1 – Tyler Wright (AUS) 17.13
2- Stephanie Gilmore (AUS) 15.13
Swatch Women’s Pro Semifinal Results:
SF 1: Tyler Wright (AUS) 14.60 def. Sage Erickson (USA) 14.17
SF 2: Stephanie Gilmore (AUS) 18.60 def. Nikki Van Dijk (AUS) 14.60
2016 WSL Jeep Leaderboard Top 5 (After Swatch Women’s Pro):
1. Tyler Wright (AUS) 63,450
2. Courtney Conlogue (USA) 46,200
3. Carissa Moore (HAW) 42,500
4. Tatiana Weston-Webb 38,450
5. Stephanie Gilmore 37,300
Short memories folks. Am I the only one seeing a pattern here? Jordy whines in J Bay. Gets a win in the next contest.
The only flaw with this theory is which of the 3 (Wilko, JW or Gabby) wins Cascais. Who whined first?
Malloy 101 aka merchandise and promote yourself. They teach that class at St. Bonnie’s in Ventura, CA don’t they?
Don’t we all just love when a so-called evoluted homo sapiens tries to teach the wildlings how to live (or celebrate or cheer or anything else you want to think of)?
I feel so blessed.
Thank you, Mr. Rory. We, the wildlings, all need to learn manners from one of the most fucked up societies in the world. I appreciate that you took your time to deliver us such a kind lesson.
Now go cast that vote for Trump. You know you want to.
BTW, any comment on how the trophy for the “best high-performance wave” (whatever the fuck that means) on the tour is always handed out to some of the most boring surfers in the planet?
There’s something really wrong when you have Parko and Jordy in the final of the “high-performance” wave of the tour.
Can you buy jordy nipples in s vending machine?
so true.
Holy shit, California: ” nobody takes a shit on the malloys and goodaukens gudaukseses? And gets away with it you mention them curran brothers (tim not tom) and you’d have an angry state.
Lemmeguess: white trash democrat?
Kirra seems to be good every single two weeks bar the two weeks they’re there.
France is pumping. I guarantee that by the time they get here it’ll be shit and I’ll be getting fat on pain au chocolat, chasing around Jordy’s wife and chain smoking ciggies.
I was in a surf competition this past Saturday at Kewalos; we let the judges have a heat and my two friends and I got to be judges; it was hard, and super subjective-so many nuances, but what it came down to was who surfed the best. One judge, who is always out at Kewalos, totally killed it, taking home the trophy. That was an enlightening experience.
Thanks for the coverage Rory. Keep up the good work. Stupid homeroom class didn’t want to watch. Corner Pocket’s happy hour in Kealakekua, exact same.
We had drinks there during the Kona freedive comp. Rad spot.
Hate to ask for more after such a good article, but aren’t we due for a new podcast soon?
Long overdue.
I’m having a hell of a time finding willing guests.
It is as irrational to reject all conspiracy theories as it is to accept them.
Smoke a joint and think about it.
Haha
The problem with conspiracy theories is that they require all participants to keep a secret. People are very, very bad at keeping secrets.
And that masterminding these secret conspiracies require very complex and intelligent planning and action, which these dingbats just don’t have. Look at American policy in Middle East; they’ve been playing poker there for 40 years, set up the table, got everybody drunk and could see every players cards, and still lost every fuckin hand. Yeehaw.
Nonsense. Many projects are kept secret, particularly when the right people are recruited for the right money.
because 1 plus 4 is the same as 2 plus 3, numbnuts. gtfo with that terrible name and even worse ideas.
Nothing worse than a dying well.
I do love a good bit of WSL spin about a swell. The shit they were spouting all week about some waves which they made out to be once in a lifetime and so good I contemplated leaving Europe for was fantastic. I’d love to meet their PR agency.
Meanwhile it’s the same old head high Trestles which looks the same every year.
You just described the actual current judging system
should it matter that Filipe can do big air reverses in his sleep? are you suggesting the judges should be scoring the man not the wave itself?
It was big, but not huge. A 6.5 no matter who threw it. I’d like to see the judges push everyone a little harder. Stop throwing out excellent range scores for single maneuvers that are merely above average.
fucking oath on that one. kind of defeats the purpose of having the tour visit the “high performance skate park” of lowers when they don’t make the surfers work for it.
on that, i always thought that about Mick in general, how sick would he have been if they didn’t give him an 8 every time he stood up and did the same 3 turns, imagine if he had to push it.
“Malloy it” and “Dork Shit”… Gold stuff right there Rory!
great wrap….how often does the wife want to come in and take commenters on the mat Rory?
And Joe Turpel, high protein cuz, no-one wants a fat bastard in the box.
Parko’s breathing was incredible!
Who would have thought sitting in a commentary booth for hours at a time didn’t burn many calories…To quote Pepper Brooks, I’m shocked!