Young Medina weeps over his nation's checkered past. Maybe even because of it.
Young Medina weeps over his nation's checkered past. Maybe even because of it.

Brazil’s horrible no good very bad past!

Chas Smith

By

Come for the Medina family tantrums, stay for the pop history!

Oh Gabriel Medina and his step-father Charles have been begging for it this entire contest, haven’t they though? Just pleading for a thorough tongue-washing from the peanut gallery. First Gabi cried and whispered about hardships then there was a veiled threat of lawsuit for those misinterpreting his whispers then there was his step-father Charles calling the judges a confederacy of demagogues.

And the righteous laughs poured from the heavens upon them both. Ha! Hahahaha!

Except let’s stop for a moment and examine Brazil’s terrible, horrible, no good very bad past. Did you know that South America’s largest country was the last to ditch slavery? True! The United States put an end to the practice (in theory) in 1863. Brazil, over two decades later in 1888.

That, also, it accounted for over 40% of all slaves brought over from Africa making it, by far, the largest consumer? True! Estimates put the United States slave total at 388,000 over the course of slavery’s run. Brazil had well over 4 million toiling in far worse conditions.

Did you know that Brazil suffered under a brutal military dictatorship from 1964 to 1985? So many people were disappeared, tortured, forced to falsely confess to strange crimes! There was no freedom of speech! No avenue in which to criticize the iron fist of steely-eyed generals!

Now, I’m not saying that Gabriel Medina feels like a slave to the lily-white World Surf League lords, dancing when told, ordered to perform with a smile on his face or massa won’t like it. Nor am I implying that the Word Surf League judges appear awfully similar to a hardened, unelected junta with care only for their own survival.

Or am I?

I guess I am!

Does this make you think differently about the week’s histrionics? Do you find yourself drying your eyes and donating to the Brazilian arm of the Salvation Army in Gabi and Charlie Medina’s name?

Good!

And God bless.

Charles Medina

Gabi daddy: “Judges a dictatorship!”

Derek Rielly

By

“Of all events that Gabriel was harmed, this is the worst."

Do you think Gabriel Medina’s round three loss at the Hurley Pro was the best thing to happen on tour this year, beating even Slater’s tear-jerky Tahiti triumph?

It sure did a lot of good things for BeachGrit traffic, numbers I hadn’t seen since the Fanning-Jew thing back at Stab. 

Whatever way you swung, bad call, good call, everyone had an opinion.

Including Gabriel’s step-daddy Charles who just starred in a piece-to-camera in which he calls the WSL judges, according to our translator Tomothy Puñales, a “dictatorship.”

Puñales, the translator writes:

Carlinhos Rogério Serrano Da Silva Neto, mostly known as Charles, is Gabriel Medina’s stepfather and omnipresent surfing coach. He was really upset with the Hurley Pro’s judges decision because he is convinced they are raping his garoto. He believes that if the judges don’t do that, he will win everything.

After calling his lawyers and firmly ordering them to chase all those disrespectful assholes who had dared to bully Gabi on the net, he faces this cellphone camera and tells the world his truth:

“I know complaining sucks, but of all events that Gabriel was harmed, this is the worst. Gabriel rode the best wave of the day, that it was also the best of the contest. But, sadly, judges gave him a low score that he couldnt reverse.

“I feel sad because they are clearly locking Gabriel. Just imagine if athletics would lock Usain Bolt. Or if swimming would lock Michael Phelps. It’s not cool. The kid born for the sport. He goes there and win, but sadly, five people here define what is good and what is bad. Its like a dictatorship.”

Lock means, according to my Portuguese-speaking pals, “SCREW, or FUCK…. like block his career, is a slang for brazilians, literally translated LOCKED like when the brakes of your car lock , is like stack somebody else career.”

Watch here! (Not so good if you don’t speak Portuguese.)

great white

Great White Attack Caught on GoPro!

Rory Parker

By

Not a single girlish squeal to be heard. Hard as fucking nails.

It’s been a heavy few days. Death and crazy Brazilians and surf media moguls latching onto nonsense hype pieces I wrote because I couldn’t think of anything good.

Which is amusing, right?

I’m not rubbed raw that certain circles snagged our stuff. I know it bugs Chas, but I think he’s overreacting a bit. After all, we are the TMZ of surfing. I’m proud of that label. TMZ makes a ton of money. I want money. Real money. Ruin-your-life money. Not surf industry money.

So when “legitimate” outlets borrow my empty hype I can’t help but smile. Really lays bare the state of the media. Hopefully it’ll make people expect more.

Not from me, of course. What you see is what you get. I’m totally into slow news day low effort “borrowing.” We’re all livin’ in glass houses!

I’m doing it today.

Because yesterday was heavy, today I want something soft. Too much existential weirdness on my plate. I want something easy to swallow.

Not that a shark attack is light fare, usually. Gore and blood and maimed limbs fucking suck. But near misses are damn neat.

Homeboy gets hammered from behind by a Great White. Fucking thing eats his fin! Then he fends off another two attacks and escapes to safety.

Not a single girlish squeal to be heard. Hard as fucking nails. Kept his shit together, made the right choices, got away unscathed.

Just needs a new set of fins. I’m sure there’s a company that’ll toss him a pair gratis.

Peter Mel: “I’m here for the Gang Bang!”

Derek Rielly

By

Watch your favourite commentator gang-banged at Lowers!

Lowers is a wave that’s hard to fault. Easy take-offs, enough curve in the wave to sink rails and cushy landings if high jumps are more your game.

But if Lowers is anything, it’s the Ganges of surfing, pilgrims crawling over each other for a piece. In this short from the Santa Babs filmmaker Norwell9, watch your favourite WSL commentator Peter Mel left in a bukkake mess by the very people he entertains.

If you like that, come see Norwell9’s cut of Gabriel playing Slap Chop at Lowers!

And, this. A tribute to Dane Reynolds on the occasion of his thirty-first birthday.

 

Stab and a cauldron of cowardice!

Chas Smith

By

What is so scary about the existence of other surf media? Let's ask Stab!

A weird disease plagues surf media and it is a general inability to speak about, write about, address or acknowledge other surf media. I’ve always been very confused about this because all other sports, news, fashion or gossip sites regularly discuss or credit each other. Even sworn enemies like ESPN and Deadspin or Fox and CNN.

But in surf? Fearful blinders! Like, recognizing where a story/idea came from is, in some way, very embarrassing. Or scary. That the existence of other surf media is shameful. Or intimidating.

Stab is, by far and away, the largest transgressor and seems to be most afraid, regularly ripping, biting, stealing but never ever ever crediting. Very recently, for example, our own Rory Parker (who is thankfully alive and well) wrote a very funny story digging into the WSL rule book and identifying that Julian Wilson and Matt Wilkinson might be subject to fines or expulsion.

Of course Rory didn’t write the rule book nor did he interview anyone inside for exclusive quotes but he was the first to tie the WSL rules with surfer behavior.

Funny!

Stab copied the exact same story ten-ish hours later, like it has done countless times in BeachGrit‘s short history, with no mention of Rory Parker’s name and this one finally pushed me over the edge because I love Rory Parker! I tried to comment under the story but it was apparently rejected at Stab HQ with trembling hands.

And so here we are.

It is fun that we all exist, is it not? Even The Inertia! The surf media, as far as I’m concerned, is part of the broader show and a chickenshit denial of the other’s existence is… is… well it’s weird!

What is so scary about the tiniest sliver of journalistic integrity? About mentioning inspiration or source? Is it because the Stab thinks that once readers discover other surf websites exist that they will not come back? Because SurfStitch has a directive that competitors are waiting in the bushes with sharpened knives and pretending they don’t exist, while hunkered behind high walls, is the best longterm option for the stock price?

I’m so very confused!

Come on Stab…put on your big boy pants and dance. I promise it’ll be fun!

Or funny!