Dane Reynolds Bruce Irons
Don't miss out on love or sizzling conversation 'cause you feel intellectually inferior. Read! | Photo: @JustinJayPhoto

Revealed: We are Dane’s sloppy thirds!

Chas Smith

By

Come almost watch Dane Reynold's new movie Chapter 11 here!

Dane Reynolds’ Chapter 11 has been, without a doubt, the film event of the year. Oh how the normally crusty surf fans spill praise and rightly so. Our antihero is still a vision! A force to be reckoned with! He shines with the power of a thousand Coors lightbulbs!

The only problem was that the film played exclusively on Stab and Monster Children for the first few days. Or, not a “problem” necessarily. Dane made his choice. He picked an outstretched hand and left all the other surf medias with tear streaked cheeks.

All by ourselves.

But last night an email shot into my inbox from Team Dane informing me that today around 8 PST the video would be made available to all! To everyone! To your BeachGrit and your Surfing and your Surfer and even that latently racist The Inertia. A link was provided at the bottom and we would all be invited to rub up on the Slacker King.

Sure we would all be his sloppy seconds but Stab already knows how that feels. Remember when SurfStitch chose Australia’s Surfing Life first but then settled for Australia’s Plagiarist Life? Maybe a little sting, initially, but I would imagine that $10,000,000 ring soon took away all the pain. Or most of the pain.

Like Stab I still felt joy (mostly)! Still bliss (overall)!

I woke early, at 7 PST, unable to sleep anymore and popped out of bed like Christmas morning, ran downstairs and opened my computer’s lid, pressed the link and…

…nothing.

screen-shot-2016-11-23-at-8-10-52-am

Maybe they were holding off for a minute. Maybe Team Dane was preparing an extra special treat just for all the sloppy seconds. I made some coffee, paced the kitchen, looked out the window, clicked again and…

…nothing.

Maybe a technical problem on my end. I drank my coffee, washed a dish, felt my heart start to tighten, clicked again and…

…nothing.

I started to cry. Soft sobs at first that swelled into an uncontrollable river. I went into the bathroom, gazed into the mirror and sang:

When I could cry and sing no more I checked one more time and…

…bingo! Joy once again (chiefly)! Bliss forevermore (predominately)! Except……….

Still kind of out in the cold. “Sorry. Because of privacy settings, this video cannot be played here.” *

Hell Dane Reynolds. You are a hard woman to please.

She’s a hard woman to please
And I thought about letting her know
She’s a hard lady to leave
and I thought about letting her go
She’s a tough lady to leave
But, I thought about it
She’s a hard lady to please, yes she is

I gave her laughter, she wanted diamonds
I was romantic, she treated my cruelly
Where is the mercy, where is the love?

You see, passion has a funny way
Of burning down and running low
And suddenly it goes out
And you wonder where does it go.

* Just in! The video now plays here! We are seconds again! Alongside everyone else!

Kelly Slater Tahiti
Slater and his cameo in the 11-minute short. (Comes in at 5:53.)

Watch EP #5: John John Florence in Twelve!

Derek Rielly

By

With a beautiful cameo by Kelly Slater!

There’s a purity about John John Florence and his connection with the ocean that’s very hard not to fall head over heels with. Where others might see surfing as means to an end (riches, houses, cars, gals), for John, surfing is the means and the end.

In this episode of Twelve, we find the soon-to-be world champion in Tahiti. He fishes, he pilots yachts, roars across lagoons on jetskis, all with his platoon of Hawaiian pals.

“We always seem to get insane little waves, that no one’s around. At the end of the day, you’re always surfed out and you’re like that was the best day ever,” he says.

Trite, if you didn’t know that he feels it.

About competing he says: “You hear people say, hey, go out there and have fun, don’t worry about the other competitor. But to actually… do it… that’s hard.”

It’s hardly a plot spoiler to say John’s Tahitian dream is run-over by a phenomenally in-form Kelly Slater but the heats, the behind-the-scene thoughts, especially during his heat with Medina, are revealing.

“I was so psyched with adrenaline I couldn’t calm myself down for the final,” he says.

Kelly, of course, is in there, the master of mind games, giving John his hat, high-fiving, all the before the final. (See at 5:53 minutes.)

We see Kelly win. We see John tweak his knee. We see the rehab. We see his difficult Trestles heats.

Watch here! 

Eddie Aikau
Edward Ryon Makuahanai Aikau, the lifeguard and surfer, who was famously lost at sea in 1978.

Saved: The Eddie is back on!

Derek Rielly

By

Quiksilver and the famous Aikau reach tentative agreement to hold the Eddie this year!

Do you remember back in September when we reported that Red Bull had been flying back and forth to Hawaii to meet with the Aikau family in an attempt to secure media rights to the 2016/17 Eddie?

(The 10-year Quiksilver-Aikau deal was about to expire so the Aikaus were shopping around for a better deal.)

And, then, a few weeks later, that Quiksilver were going to pull out of the event because an agreement couldn’t be reached with the Aikaus?

And, then, when talks officially broke down, and it was revealed contest permits were owned by Quiksilver, that was that?  No Eddie?

Instead, Quiksilver were playing around with different titles: The Quiksilver: In Memory of Jose Angel, The Quiksilver: In Memory of Todd Chesser, The Quiksilver: In Memory of Brock Little.

Our money was on The Brock, of course. How could it not? 

Today we can reveal that pragmatism has finally prevailed. The Aikaus need the Quiksilver permits; Quiksilver has a ton of Eddie gear that still needs to be shifted.

Our source suggests the 2016-17 event, if it runs, and most likely it won’t given it’s only been run eight times in thirty years, will be The Quiksilver: In Memory of Eddie Aikau. 

But next season? Up for grabs, baby!

Now, what was your favourite moment from this year’s Eddie? This is mine! A platoon of rescue skis… beached… by a thirty-foot closeout.

 

 

Mikala Jones
You toss a subtle hand drag to set up, get your line locked in. So deep, so easy. So long as you don't do something stupid, like bail for no reason, you're gonna be flying out in a few seconds with your heart in your throat and a mental image that'll last for decades. Every eye in the lineup is on you. You're gonna be a hero! | Photo: @mikalajones

Surf Quiz: What would you do?

Rory Parker

By

The barrel of your life. Paddler is sucked backwards and puts you in a cartwheel to destruction. Your response?

It’s been a while since the last installment of What Would You Do? Mainly because I haven’t been able to think of anything good. There isn’t much variety in the surf experience, couldn’t come up with anything realistic. Don’t want to get too weird with it. Start writing stories about trans-mermaids luring men into underwater fuck palaces.

But I’ve got something today! With a video demonstration to boot. Easy to keep it short and sweet.

So… you’ve locked in to a world class stand up barrel. Easy roll-in entry, big open section you could make it through with your eyes closed. This is the type of shit most surfers dream about, never actually experience.

You toss a subtle hand drag to set up, get your line locked in. So deep, so easy. So long as you don’t do something stupid, like bail for no reason, you’re gonna be flying out in a few seconds with your heart in your throat and a mental image that’ll last for decades.

Every eye in the lineup is on you. You’re gonna be a hero!

One guy is so wrapped up in your feat of derring-do that he paddles mid-face then…just…stops.

He’s staring right at you, all forward momentum gone. Three more strokes and a duck dive would have put him safely out the back. Instead he pokes the nose in from a dead stop, doesn’t penetrate, then starts getting sucked back over the falls.

His board comes flying backwards into the barrel, whacks you in the face, and sends you on a hell cartwheel to destruction. Turns a beautiful situation into something that’s about as bad as it can get. Excepting an imaginary world where the trans-mermaids grab you while underwater and bundle you off to their fuck-palace.

Your board’s broken, your face hurts like a motherfucker, and Mr Doofus is reeling his board in right next to you.

What would you do?

Rumor: Dane’s new brand is “Former!”

Chas Smith

By

Finally! All is allegedly revealed!

How am I spitting such rad right now? How am I backing up post after post after sweet sugary post? Cuz I drunk foo! I dranking vodka black cherry sodas like they going out o style but sit down for a minute because I just figured out some hot hot hot hot hot hot stuff. Some Dungeons and Dragons level bizness. Some… like….. ummmm…. illuminati shit.

Remember Dane Reynolds’ and Craig Anderson’s super brand Destroyr? Remember how it died? And then came back to life? And then died?

Well it is totally alive now and not called Destroyr at all but now Former!

Like…..

FORMER!

Like…

Not LATTER!

And how do I know this?

Because back-masking.

Because I grew up in the era when bands would layer Satanic messaging into their albums.

Because vodka black cherry sodas.

Of course you have seen Dane Reynolds’ and Craig Anderson’s etc. film on Stab but have you played it all the way to the end when skaters Ausyn Gillette and the gorgeous Dylan Rieder show up and the music hammers? And the word “Former” floats at the top of the screen?

Watch it here!

And the name is so Former!

Right?

Yeah!

It’s such a stairway to heaven! So bustle in your hedgerow!

Will you buy?

Will you wear?

Will you thrill?

Of course you will!

Dane Reynolds is back and at Tilly’s soon!

Hope reigns supreme!