Mikala Jones
You toss a subtle hand drag to set up, get your line locked in. So deep, so easy. So long as you don't do something stupid, like bail for no reason, you're gonna be flying out in a few seconds with your heart in your throat and a mental image that'll last for decades. Every eye in the lineup is on you. You're gonna be a hero! | Photo: @mikalajones

Surf Quiz: What would you do?

The barrel of your life. Paddler is sucked backwards and puts you in a cartwheel to destruction. Your response?

It’s been a while since the last installment of What Would You Do? Mainly because I haven’t been able to think of anything good. There isn’t much variety in the surf experience, couldn’t come up with anything realistic. Don’t want to get too weird with it. Start writing stories about trans-mermaids luring men into underwater fuck palaces.

But I’ve got something today! With a video demonstration to boot. Easy to keep it short and sweet.

So… you’ve locked in to a world class stand up barrel. Easy roll-in entry, big open section you could make it through with your eyes closed. This is the type of shit most surfers dream about, never actually experience.

You toss a subtle hand drag to set up, get your line locked in. So deep, so easy. So long as you don’t do something stupid, like bail for no reason, you’re gonna be flying out in a few seconds with your heart in your throat and a mental image that’ll last for decades.

Every eye in the lineup is on you. You’re gonna be a hero!

One guy is so wrapped up in your feat of derring-do that he paddles mid-face then…just…stops.

He’s staring right at you, all forward momentum gone. Three more strokes and a duck dive would have put him safely out the back. Instead he pokes the nose in from a dead stop, doesn’t penetrate, then starts getting sucked back over the falls.

His board comes flying backwards into the barrel, whacks you in the face, and sends you on a hell cartwheel to destruction. Turns a beautiful situation into something that’s about as bad as it can get. Excepting an imaginary world where the trans-mermaids grab you while underwater and bundle you off to their fuck-palace.

Your board’s broken, your face hurts like a motherfucker, and Mr Doofus is reeling his board in right next to you.

What would you do?

Rumor: Dane’s new brand is “Former!”

Finally! All is allegedly revealed!

How am I spitting such rad right now? How am I backing up post after post after sweet sugary post? Cuz I drunk foo! I dranking vodka black cherry sodas like they going out o style but sit down for a minute because I just figured out some hot hot hot hot hot hot stuff. Some Dungeons and Dragons level bizness. Some… like….. ummmm…. illuminati shit.

Remember Dane Reynolds’ and Craig Anderson’s super brand Destroyr? Remember how it died? And then came back to life? And then died?

Well it is totally alive now and not called Destroyr at all but now Former!





And how do I know this?

Because back-masking.

Because I grew up in the era when bands would layer Satanic messaging into their albums.

Because vodka black cherry sodas.

Of course you have seen Dane Reynolds’ and Craig Anderson’s etc. film on Stab but have you played it all the way to the end when skaters Ausyn Gillette and the gorgeous Dylan Rieder show up and the music hammers? And the word “Former” floats at the top of the screen?

Watch it here!

And the name is so Former!



It’s such a stairway to heaven! So bustle in your hedgerow!

Will you buy?

Will you wear?

Will you thrill?

Of course you will!

Dane Reynolds is back and at Tilly’s soon!

Hope reigns supreme!

Rage: I’m so angry at Surfing (magazine)!

Just kidding! But angry Facebook live face rules!

I don’t understand technology and it makes me lots ashamed. I ain’t hiding, like some, my technological inabilities underneath a blanket of faux too-cool-for-shit-bro. No. I’m just dumb. My brain is soggy. It doesn’t work good no more. Millennials are stealing from me while I peck at my keyboard all confused and dumb.

But I just googled something just now and saw Surfing magazine doing a Facebook live thing about which 540 was better. Kelly’s or Albee’s. A snowboarder taught us all today that we, as surfers, are confused and dumb when it comes to rotation and neither Kelly’s nor Albee’s were 540s but maybe 720s instead.


I went to their Facebook live and was totally confused. Like, why hasn’t Surfer eaten Surfing yet? What does Surfing bring to this world besides grown men drooling over teenaged boys? Seriously. The Inertia is for closeted lesbians, Stab is for East Indian fake computer bots, Surfer is for my 50 year old brother-in-law but what’s Surfing for?


Just kidding!

I know! For hot high performance action! Right? Yeah! And their Facebook live thing dissecting hot high performance action is right on!

So I clicked.

On one side of the page was Albee Layer with an eyepatch. On the other Side was Kelly Slater mid poop. And lots of hearts and thumbs up scrolled past underneath.

A ticker of engagement!

There was an option, though, for an angry face. I started smashing this button as furiously as I could, trying to fill the whole thing with angry faces.

I couldn’t win.

There was always either a heart or a thumbs up floating amidst my rage.

The moral of the story is that Surfing is happy place!

And also, why the hell are Surfing readers voting for Kelly Slater? It’s a matter of minutes until that publication is eaten by Surfer.


Just kidding!

Exclusive: A sneak peek at JJF in Tahiti!

A turn that makes me red in the face!

Hurley could not have picked a better person to follow with a camera for twelve months or a better time in which to follow. The series is slick but, more importantly, feels significant. Maybe because we are witnessing a unique talent coming entirely into his own.

Yes, Twelve shines and episode 5 finds John John Florence in Tahiti. Remember when I said he wasn’t going to compete at Trestles because I had inside information that he was injured? Look at how right I was! Here’s an exclusive photo of John John hobbling with a cane!


But want to know what Blonde Ambition went and did to me? He went to Trestles and competed! Here’s an exclusive clip of John John Florence giving ‘er hell on a meaty turn. Really leaning into that balky knee!

And boy is my face red. I will never go off half-cocked like that again, predicting nonsense etc. Oh who am I kidding! Guess what I just heard? Dane’s new brand ain’t called Destroyr and is being unleashed on the world any day now!

But back to John John Florence. Episode 5 releases tomorrow. Here its teaser. Gorgeous! My face! So red!

Kelly Slater PIpeline
Want a sure bet if Pipe pumps? Kelly. He has the top AHS for this event, for reefs, for lefts and for eight-to-ten-foot conditions for the past three seasons. | Photo: WSL/Cestari

Top 5 Worst (and best) Pro’s at Pipe!

How to bet smart on the Billabong Pipeline Masters!

One week ago, I discovered the website surf-stats. Wrote a story about it. (Read that here.)

Now, I’m compelled to pour everything related to competition through its prism. I used to be all gut instinct, but who knew cute smiles and a pleasant phone manner didn’t necessarily translate into results? Now I just Moneyball the hell out of it.

So for this year’s final event, the Billabong Pipeline Masters, I got the proprietor of surf-stats Balyn McDonald, to run the numbers on the five best, and five worst, surfers at Pipe. Here’s what he’s got.

Best Five.
  1. Kelly Slater: Top AHS (average heat score) for this event, for reefs, for lefts and for eight-to-ten-foot conditions for the past three seasons. Second best for six-to-eight-foot. Past champ.
  2. John John Florence: Best AHS in rights, six-to-eight-foot 2016 season, left/right breaks, second best in eight-to-ten-foot conditions and reefs, third best in four-to-six-foot and lefts, fourth best for AHS at this event. A consummate all-rounder.
  3. Gabriel Medina: Best in four-to-six foot, second best in lefts and 2016 season, third best for event AHS, reefs, eight-to-ten-foot, left/right breaks. Made the last two finals.
  4. Italo Ferreira*: Top five in the following categories: event AHS, overall AHS, six-to-eight foot, eight-to-ten foot, reefs, lefts and left/right breaks. A great dark horse at $40+ on most betting markets.
  5. Joel Parkinson: Past winner, top 5 in 2016 AHS, overall AHS, rights (second best), four-to-six foot (second best) and eight-to-ten foot. Best average results at this event of all surfers over the past five years.

Worst Five.

  1. Matt Wilkinson: In the past 5 years, has finished better than 25th at this event only once and his event AHS reflects this.
  2. Bede Durbidge: Coming back from massive injury at Pipe, and a past winner, but recent history is poor.
  3. Miguel Pupo: AHS figures of <10 in several significant categories.
  4. Wiggolly Dantas: Did poorly here last year, stats for these conditions aren’t great, especially if it’s big.
  5. Keanu Asing*: AHS figures for this event, for eight-to-ten foot, for reefs and (surprisingly) for lefts are all <10.

Fantasy Surfer projections

The best value for money on Fantasy Surfer is Seabass, at less than $15,000 per projected fantasy point
The worst is Wilko with a projected cost of $141,000 per point

(*data is only for 2015/16 seasons)

Oh! And my Fantasy Surfer team for Pipe?

Gabriel. John John. Kolohe. Kelly. Adriano. Julian. Bede.

Want to see the data in detail? Click here.