An Open Letter To Applicants For Rory Parker's Job.
Dear Bros, Dreamers, and everyone currently spunking pretty pastiches into Chas’ inbox,
Let me save you some time.
You know why there aren’t many great surf writers? Because it’s hard as fuck to be good at writing and surfing. Both involve lifelong learning. It’s not enough to love surfing, you need to love language as well. You need to put in the hard yards among the pages and the seaweed.
I know you think “I got 19 upvotes one time, I can do that!”
But you can’t.
You really can’t.
You may think you can do what Chas does. You may think you can replicate his Jackson Pollock approach to sentence structure, but I’m afraid you can’t. Not convincingly. If you can’t appreciate language in the first place then you can’t appreciate the craft of linguistic fuckery either.
I don’t care how well you surf. Doing surfing a bit good doesn’t mean you have worthwhile things to say. I’ve spent time in classrooms and jail cells. I would consider myself to have done solid work in each, but I sure as fuck don’t think I can be a teacher or a copper. Good surf writing is about writing, not surfing. If all you’ve done is surf then you’re wasting your time trying to be a writer.
You may think you can do what Chas does. You may think you can replicate his Jackson Pollock approach to sentence structure, but I’m afraid you can’t. Not convincingly. If you can’t appreciate language in the first place then you can’t appreciate the craft of linguistic fuckery either.
On recent evidence, a failed pro career and a SoCal address should actively discourage you from writing about surfing. You’re already a failure. The ship of language and literature has definitely sailed, my friend, and you’ll probably never catch up. Come back when you’ve served your time in life’s library. See you when you’re 50, maybe. You still won’t be fit to lace Matt Warshaw’s boots.
If all you’ve ever read is “surf journalism” (and Barbarian Days) then you’re not a writer. Maybe you once made it through a whole issue of The Surfer’s Journal as well. Wow.
If you’ve habitually disregarded other forms of art and literature then you’re not worth listening to. Watch a play, read some poetry, listen to rap.
If you think being able to identify an adverb is deeply wanky, then you’re not a surf writer. If you don’t understand structural features like listing, repetition, or rule-of-three, then you’re not a surf writer. If you can’t explain to me what a semi-colon does; then you don’t have the right to never bother using semi-colons. And if you don’t know what a rhetorical question is then you’re definitely not a surf writer, are you?
What about imagery? Do you see images made of words like Neo sees The Matrix? Can you weave language like silver ropes, and bind mingled swirls of fiction and fact? Your words should come back to the reader like hoisted water ravelling off a bucket, just like the singing of Heaney’s blind neighbour in At The Wellhead.
You should understand that story, narrative, is the single, defining factor that steered the evolution of human beings and captains our will to carry on. Be aware of everyone from Hans Christian Andersen to Nasir Jones.
Be purposeful when you write. Don’t be faux anything or evangelistic anything else. Understand irony. Be learn’d. You don’t exactly need a foundational knowledge of Greek philosophy but you should have something interesting to say. “One original thought is worth a thousand mindless quotings”. (Diogenes.)
Acknowledge those who laid the flagstones of your passion. I’d be willing to bet the sharpened edge of surf commentary was forged by the whetstone of literature. I’d bet Longtom has a working knowledge of the works of George Mackay Brown. Sean Doherty has read more books than you’ve had hot cocks. Finnegan’s a straight up scholar in mullet’s clothing.
Make your reader work but don’t fucking insult them. It’s your duty to stitch and to sew, and to make your words glow. Don’t ever submit without editing. Edit then edit again. Weave, scrub, buff and shine. And remember: economy of words, not economy of language.
And finally, if you think that the digital spunk-bubble generation has the capacity to appreciate anything over 600 words you’re dreaming…
There is a job? I don’t want a job! I want a life style that pays. I want to be a pirate traveling the world under the guise of reporting on surfing, dancing at the bar with all the big heads, loud mouths and fake titty princesses, racking coke and fucking each other. Moving from one-third world country to another raping the dream and selling the
remnants to the next generation.
I know I can be a writer, although I do not have a penchant for alcohol or heroin and my
comprehension of the English language is terrible, god has gifted me with a
inclination towards petite young women in small clothes and fine white powders in small
bags followed closely followed by a lack of accountability in life. I believe these are
auspicious signs that I may have literary greatness embedded within and with
enough guidance from dark souls like yourself and a disregard for the powers
that be I may just make it to the land of rarefied air where gods live and great
writers never die.
Give me the golden ticket ! I want to live in the chocolate factory.
ps. included one semi;colon just to see how it felt… I can safely say it was like jamming a finger in ones own asshole with no lube
Please take my writing seriously.
Sincerely,
Deez nuts
I wonder how many people actually sent something in. Surely it can’t be that many, 10 maybe? 12 tops, this one included. I bet they are all somewhat entertaining, aside form the moving to coloredo from california for broken ass music one. That was the one of the dumbest fucking things i have ever read. This one was somewhat readable, and the picture of the author gave me a chuckle. I hope they post all of them so we can make fun of every single one.
Let me be absolutely clear: this was not a job application! I have better things to get on with. Things that pay actual money.
Are you sure J.P. Currie? Seemed like you were trying awfully hard to distinguish yourself as a freelance writer.
Nah, mate. I’ve got a job. Writing is like sport fishing!
This may be heresay ’round these parts but “Barbarian Days” was pretty fucking boring.
I thought it dragged a bit in the middle, honestly.
Full disclosure…it starting getting pedantic during his South Pacific adventure so I put it down. One of my many New Years resolutions is to finish it. It may make me smarter.
When he gets around to San Francisco, that part got good. I liked that part. And the final section. But the middle was… one damn surf spot after another? Idk. I mean, it’s rad he was first! But I needed him to do more than write an extended surf mag feature. I’m too demanding maybe.
Okay…you’ve now motivated me to keep reading.
Worth it, yeah. I was glad I stayed with it.
really boring , but try reading Tim Winton , compare the Barbarian Days to him and no wonder it won…something!
I shall try him next. I’ve been battling a bit of insomnia lately so that might do the trick!
warning , any said criticism of surfings, arty farty fraternity , you will be catergorized as an ignorant Bogun/909er!
Nooooooo…not that!
Please provide all staff with these https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Your taking this way to seriously; Dude.
You guys are taking this way too serious. It’s a surfing smut site, not the wall Street journal for crying out loud. If I were at the helm of this here ship I certainly wouldn’t be asking Johnny public to steer.
I know that Dane is giving us his best “Blue Steel” in that picture but if this is a smut site he’s gonna have to show us some nipple.
Or maybe i’m still interested, just pretending not, and writing my first article for BG right now.
Let me see is the title “Why Brazil is the greatest surfing nation!”? I think it will be a masterpiece!
Or facilitate mass suicide.
correct use of semi-colon? idk dudes that might be setting the bar a little high
Perhaps a bit much to brandish your arsenal of verbiage while the last couple paragraphs are laden with a couple obvious grammatical and punctual misfires.
I write about surfing well, I don’t know what all this good nonsense is.
If you surf Cloudbreak or Sunset and surf harder than chicks does that help be a surf writer?
I wouldn’t know!
No. All that provides you with is an experiential basis which may or may not be worth writing about. It doesn’t mean you’ve paid attention to any of it or even thought much about it, much less found it or any of your companions very interesting. I think the thing Chazzy failed to mention in his piece is curiosity – a kind of native willingness to look, listen, feel, smell, and try your best to describe something. Anything.
That last bit is some damn good advice, dude.
Yeah I would think rule number one is use your actual fucken name.
oh come on Nick, let that old chestnut go. It’s never mattered.
I know, right? Writers should always use their real names.
Sincerely,
Mark Twain
Stephen King
JK Rowling
and C.S. Lewis
Well I don’t see THEM writing on Beachgrit!
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Actually a double z in Chazz.
That is quite a coincidence! I’m so stoked on this information; maybe if I heed it the noted Chaz(z) will enjoy my next piece!!
I’m getting a kick out of all this stupidity! Bring it on Chaz(z)! I will smear my shitty writing all over your fake Will Ferrel face!
Or not steal my fuckin’ Will Ferrel avitar! I was a much better race car driver than figure skater…
you smashed me for rhetorical questioning once you hypocritical cunt and you’re right about George Mackay Brown.
but this has all been said before and I think each new entrant into the Stadium being fed to the lions is going to be much more nourishing than reading about why they shouldn’t bother.
Kearney, got any more anecdotes….you can’t be dry already.
Fun read anyway Chazz, and hello Teacher!
Did I, by Jove? I don’t remember that.
I feel you might have enjoyed my paragraph about the many wonderful forms and uses of the word “cunt”, but Chas edited it out, apparently.
Yeah… Not interested anymore.
Semi colon eh?
Is that like the small intestine?
Step off your fucking soap-box pal!
When giving advice on writing, try proof reading your holier than thou article before cascading your drivel onto the internet. I will point out one example of your shoddy writing and continue over the next several days to point out other truly abhorrent grammatical fumbles. The following is a bad sentence in several respects:
“If you can’t explain to me what a semi-colon does; then you don’t have the right to never bother using semi-colons.”
1.) It’s the classic conditional sentence. If, then. Your usage of a semi-colon is wrong. A conditional sentence is accomplished with a comma mr. semi-colon trigger-happy guy.
2.) the second clause in your conditional sentence has a double negative (don’t and never) making the sentence confusing, and the incorporation of those two words unnecessary. Just get to the fucking point and say “then you have the right to bother using semi-colons.” When confronted with a double negative the classic approach is to nullify the two negative words by crossing them out so that the TRUE meaning of the sentence can be deciphered through the haze of your shoddy writing.
Try following your own advice, just not all the advice you give.
“Don’t ever submit without editing. Edit then edit again. Weave, scrub, buff and shine.”
Well, this is embarrassing!
For you.
I try to not do it, but when I read your writing I have Will Ferrell’s voice over reading the words aloud. It’s some kind of Jedi mind trick.
Bitch stole my avatar. I’m gonna cut his Lone Wolf ass next time I see him in the comments section.
I’m not the one holding myself out as a professional writer clown. Submitting a comment versus submitting a story are two different things.
A “professional writer clown”?! Now there’s a job I could go for!
“Understand irony.”
Yes I do. And its obvious you don’t know what irony means. Please explain how my grammatical error is irony.
Mistaking “you’re” for “your” – or vice versa – is a common writing error most people have made at least once. It is also a grammatical mistake that can be disproportionately irritating and confusing for the reader. Fortunately, once you know how to differentiate the two, you’ll hardly ever mix them up ever again.
I felt that was too obvious for me to point out. Thought it was more fun to see who else noticed. He or she has obviously made a red-faced edit now!
The struggle was real to decide whether or not to point it out. In the end it needed to be said, considering the diatribe. I did however copy and paste the information from the inter-web …..which I think made it better due to its condescending tone.
You’re an idiot. I fixed my error. You would rather stand by your shitty writing. Pride is a bitch, and so are you.
So angry! It’s like a “dork-plosion” or a “nerd-atastropohe.” “I’m mad!!!!” Haha, geesh, taking a f-ing chill pill.
I do like this old Kurt Vonnegut quote: “Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college.”
Precisely!
transvestite hermaphrodites would not be likely to represent absolutely nothing.
Cunts that you guys are, you should be chuffed with the quality you have unhidden. Carry the fuck on ……
It’s not learn’d, it’s learnt. When do I start?
no i’m pretty sure its learn’d
this article made me want to kill myself
I’ll miss Rory. He had a different perspective, with some writerly skills and humour. Chaz has his overweening relish over people behaving perhaps not at their best. Derek has his defence of Israel and his diligence that something vaguely interesting might have happened in Australian surfing. Rory had a more common bystander view, from his uncommon perspective.
I think a lot of us, with some severe external editing, have a couple of surf-related stories that might have some common interest. Producing 5-10 a week? No chance. That’s a very tough gig.