Report: Surfers are Stupid!

Eye roll: engage

If someone were to ask you in complete sincerity, Are surfers stupid?, how would you answer? Would you go through the mental gymnastics of explaining how, through our oceanic jaunts, surfers come to understand the universe on a grander scale, and thus retain a unique worldly knowledge? Or would you simply give up and admit that, on average, we’re a little bit dopey?

Luckily you’ll never need to answer that question, as Surfer Magazine has provided us with unequivocal data.

The study started on August 22, 2016, when Ashtyn Douglass (a lass!) penned the piece Australians Bail on Bali for Surfer Mag. It’s an hysterical take on what would happen if Bali banned alcohol — being that every Australian surfer would scrap their tickets and stay home, as fear of sobriety overtakes the desire for spinning cylinders. The only catch is that, because the piece was satirical, it was written in a present tense this-is-actually-happening tone, rather than a what-if.

But Surfer knew their demographic well — so well that, in case the satire wasn’t obvious enough, they added this disclaimer at the end of the article: ‘Corndogging’ is a satirical column in which we take serious surf issues, dunk ’em in the ocean, and roll them around in the sand for awhile.

But, sadly, that wasn’t enough. Almost every single comment  suggests that the readers are oblivious to the story’s purposefully falsified ethos. Some of my favorites are:

– Really? cancel your surf trip to bali just because alcohol might be ban? why choose booze over the waves?prioritize booze over surfing…hmm. It wont be pass, trust me. It will kill Bali’s tourism, subsquently, Indonesia’s tourism. Several months ago there was a similar case. The govt tried to pass a law that would raise the price of ciggs. Didnt make it. Although, I must say, less aussie in bali would be super nice haha

– Seriously? Foreign journalists commenting on Bali might want to do just a little research before putting out such baseless and spurious information. This is just click bait – theres not a ban, not going to be a ban and actually believing such BS effects a Balinese economy which, like many tourist areas in the world are struggling now. Buy a clue man – “Hooters” just opened a branch for the first time in Jakarta, (Muslim majority btw), does that sound like a ban to you?  [sic to all of the above]

And….

– This article is both dumb and not funny.

So maybe the last person got it, but they definitely didn’t get it.

Alas, the saga of stupidity doesn’t end there. Just yesterday, on April 1, 2017, Surfer reposted the article on their Facebook in support of BeachGrit’s least favorite holiday. The results remained consistent with previous studies.

It must be noted that these are the “Top Comments” on the post. Also, how’s the audacity of  Lord Commander Snow to recite such unintelligent drivel as if it were gospel? This is why you die.

Sorry, back to the point.

This whole debacle has made me realize how greatly I appreciate the BeachGrit community. We are many things, but blatantly stupid is not one of them. Except for maybe SharkAttack.