Help: My cousin is cooler than me!

He is a bank robber and a jewel thief. Damn it!

Is there someone in your family whose star shines so much brighter than your own? Who steals the air from the reunion when they walk in? Who throws everything you’ve tried to accomplish in your life into sharp relief?

There is someone in mine. My slightly older cousin and his name is Dan Courson.

I used to mock him and call him Nurse Dan because he went to school and got a nursing degree but the joke was really on me because you want to know what Nurse Dan did next?

He robbed 21 banks in Orange and San Diego counties.

That might be more banks than I have ever even been inside. 21 banks and then he got caught but tried to escape by faking appendicitis but then got tackled in the parking lot by what he said was a San Diego State track star. I found it somewhat hard to believe that a San Diego State track star was working as a hospital jail guard but Matt Warshaw once told me the only reason anyone goes to San Diego State is to drink beer and surf so maybe.

I visited him in the hoosegow once and drank coffee with him a few times after he did his eight years. It always seemed like a bargain to me, by the way. Eight years for 21 banks plus an attempted escape.

He seemed down on his possibilities in the world but I told him to chin up. He was a bank robber and I was a surf journalist. His possibilities smoked mine. He nodded while looking into the distance and gave me a half-hearted, “Yeah.”

And then he became an art and jewel thief. A bank robber. An art thief. A jewel thief. It was like all my favorite Pierce Brosnan characters got rolled into one.

And then he got written about in a Mormon newspaper. Let’s read the Deseret News together.

Police say a “highly intelligent” Park City con man befriended a fine-art aficionado with a severe illness, then waited until the ailing collector stepped out one day and robbed his Southern California home of about $1 million in jewelry, checkbooks, cash and top-dollar paintings.

The June 2015 heist hit a snag.

The homeowner returned before Daniel David Courson could finish loading the haul, including “large amounts of cash,” in a stolen silver Tacoma, authorities said. Courson fled before police arrived.

Now, Park City officers say Courson is living in their upscale Utah mountain town. On Monday, they believed they were about to nab the suspect who is in his early 40s, but someone tipped Courson off beforehand and he eluded them.

“He is highly intelligent and able to reinvent himself in new towns wherever he goes,” Tustin police said in a Tuesday prepared statement.

Wait. Did Pierce Brosnan ever steal from anyone with a severe illness? Is Surf Journalist Chas cooler than Nurse Dan again?

Please say yes.

ISA: Do we have any national pride?

Are you on your couch right now waving a flag?

The World Surfing Games, held by the International Surfing Association, are currently underway in Biarritz, France and you don’t care. But let’s turn to our very own DrunkenAngel for further analysis.

we need an article about the isa champs. ffs there are fuckers in this comp who cannot even paddle out past the whitewater and surf worse than my 90 year old grandmother during another raging hemorrhoid infection. this is what the world will see for the olympics? there are people sponsored who literally surf worse than chas. wtf? and the crowds. not one. not two. but noone at all on the beach. NOONE. fucking pony wanking championships get more fans watching. this aint the olympic spirit. this is goddamn leftover spermatoza after a shameful wank to 90s porn magazine – yes, print – spirit. i am not a fucking elitest. we all suck. and sucky surfing is fine. but dont go fucking declaring this is somehow elite or even gutter level surfing. if someone manages to do an air reverse they’ll shit their diapers.

Real quick, are you saying I can get sponsored? And also the phrase “we all suck. and sucky surfing is fine. but dont go fucking declaring this is somehow elite or even gutter level surfing.” is inspired.

But lastly, the World Surfing Games got me thinking about surfers, in general, and the idea of nationalism. Is the modern nation-state, Westphalian sovereignty for our purposes, antithetical to our core selfishness?

Like, could you ever be bothered to cheer country over personality? Oh of course we cheer against nationalities from time to time (Brazil) but that is only because many of us are white and deeply fearful of the impeding loss of global domination.

Could you ever, though, proudly wave your country’s flag when it came to surfing? I think America is great (again) and all, I ain’t no self-loather and will always/forever cheer Clifton James Hobgood but…. I don’t know. I just can’t be fucked with the rest of it.

Plus, let’s be honest, only America, Australia and Brazil have enough legitimately good surfers to matter. Three countries in the whole wide world.

But am I wrong? Is nationalism the future of surfing?

(I’m totally not wrong.)

Will she live to see the light of day or be mercilessly culled by a coat-hanger abortion?

Perth: “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Wavepool!”

Thou shalt not ride!

Derek Reilly is about to explode. Implode. Spontaneously combust.


Well, two months ago, he reported on the potential for a Perth wavepool in cocksure fashion. Let’s reminisce:

Whatever you think of pools, this’ll add a little something to a park that butts up against a shallow slice of the Swan River and, right now, has a lawn bowls club and a couple of shitty houses on it.

The pool, if it gets built, and the ifs are plenty, you’ll be able to surf against the backdrop of a setting sun and the surprisingly muscular Perth skyline.

And Perth, which is in the shadow of offshore islands and never gets waves of any real value, needs a tank. If it barrels, nice, if it don’t, it doesn’t matter.

I grew up in the joint. I know.

The poor bastards are dying for this.

And what do we find out today? That the poor bastards might just prefer lawn bowling and shitty houses to an adult water park! Let’s read from the Melville Times:

THE Alfred Cove Action Group (ACAG) has collected more than 3000 signatures on a pair of petitions calling on the State Government to reject plans for a wave park and launch an inquiry into both the City of Melville administration and councillors over their handling of the proposal.

ACAG convenor David Maynier believes the Wave Park Group project should not have been granted a ground lease and that Melville Council “routinely ignored substantial opposition” in progressing the development.


“Quite apart from its unhealthy determination to place the wave park in a highly unsuitable location, there was also the matter of a senior City officer owning shares in the proponent’s company from the outset,” David Manner said.

City of Melville manager of health and leisure services Todd Cahoon was the officer responsible for the lawn bowls strategy that originally suggested moving the Melville Bowling Club off the land now under lease to Wave Park Group.

Mr Cahoon owned shares in Wave Park Group until September last year, although he has stated he declared his shareholding in mid-2013 and the City of Melville maintains Mr Cahoon played no part in its consideration of the wave park proposal, which arrived as an unsolicited bid in June 2016.

Not only are they angry about their bowling, but this group of 3,000 have made some damning corruption accusations. Which makes me a little happy, because if government officials are using surfing as a way to sneakily line their pockets, it must mean we’re on the up-and-up!

Have we any Perth readers who can update us on the surfeo-political climate of your wonderful port town? Will it be the surfers or lawn bowlers who win this bare-knuckle brawl? Do the locals even want to ride?

Dream: Be Indian surf champ!

Have you thought your childhood fantasy impossible? Oh ye of little faith!

From the Times of India…

MANGALORE: The Surfing Federation of India, the sport’s national governing body, has announced the launch of the second edition of the Indian Open of Surfing.

The two-day event is set to get underway at Mangaluru’s Sasihithlu Beach from May 26.
Ishita Malaviya, Tanvi Jagdish, Manikandan, Murthy Megavan and Dharani will be among the top Indian surfers to compete at the event.

Indian Open of Surfing president Kishore Kumar said, “Over the years surfing has gained the stature of an important sport especially in the coastal villages of the country. It has become a way of life for the fishermen communities.

“With the rise in number of participants expected at the Indian Open of Surfing, it is certain that we are looking at a better wave of surfers coming out. We are expected to see better competition.”

Though the competition will see a few international surfers like Maldivian Ismail Miguel in the open category, it will be interesting to see how the Indians fare.

And be honest right now. Be way super honest. If you happened to be in Mangalore with a few hours to kill and, inexplicably, your favorite surfboard do you think you could take the Indian Open of Surfing?

Are you racist for feeling that way?


But also, I think I could. Chas Smith surf champ! Do you think Mick Fanning would finally talk to me? Or even look at me?

He still totally wouldn’t. What a racist!

Don't worry Kelly! You're among friends! You won't get sucked out to sea and end up in a Belfast hospital!
Don't worry Kelly! You're among friends! You won't get sucked out to sea and end up in a Belfast hospital!

Rip Current Rory: “Ok! I’ll surf again!*”

The Scottish survivor changes his tune but with one caveat!

Do you recall the thrilling tale of the Scottish surfer who survived a mid-morning session at his local Scottish break and then got in a rip and sucked all the way to Ireland? 32 hours bobbing and paddling and thinking he was going to die.

But he didn’t die and, resting comfortably in a Belfast hospital, told his mother that he would never surf again. The sentiment, of course, makes great logical sense though I must admit to being taken aback when reading of the bold assertion and opined how most of us are so rottenly besotted to this surfing that we will never give it up even when in our interest. Even when we should.

Like opioid addicts!

Well, it warmed my heart this morning to read that dear Rip Current Rory has changed his tune and is thinking about getting back on the Oxys! I mean board! Let’s read together in the Belfast Telegraph.

A surfer rescued in the North Channel after more than 30 hours stranded at sea has revealed he may return to the sport.

Matthew Bryce (22) has been treated for hypothermia after he was found drifting on his surfboard 13 miles from Northern Ireland and 16 miles from Scottish shores.

Following his ordeal he vowed never to surf again, but has now said he may get back on a surfboard as part of a group.

And that’s almost the spirit! Group surfing is better than no surfing at all.

Or is it?

Never mind. It is.

(*as part of a group)