Griffin Guess.
Griffin Guess.

Winner: Give this man your money!

Griffin Guess's Titan of Maverick can be yours for a special introductory price!

Oh you know how much I love the tawdry bits of our surfing game but there is one tawdry saga so aesthetically unpleasing that I haven’t been able to give it my full attention.

The tawdry saga of Griffin Guess and his Titans of Maverick!

It really should have been grist in the BeachGrit mill for at least a year and maybe even two. For those unaware, Guess and his company Cartel Management partnered with Mavericks pioneer Jeff Clark in 2014 in order to expand the reach of California’s signature big wave event, changed the name to Titans of Maverick and ran it once in 2016 while nobody watched. Like, nobody at all. Then Guess declared bankruptcy, Clark is furious, war rages.

Titans of Maverick LLC is now on the block, being auctioned June 1st with bids starting at $1,000,000.00.

Why hasn’t this tawdry saga been leading news here every other week? I puzzled over it this morning while reading about the latest developments in San Jose’s Mercury News before coming up with three reasons.

  1. I don’t really enjoy alliteration and particularly don’t enjoy alliteration in names. Griffin Guess Griffin Guess Griffin Guess Griffin Guess. It sounds like a brand leader in douche and douche products.
  2. Griffin Guess has a faux hawk. A massive, proud, pointy faux hawk. I don’t know if he still rocks it but he did for many years and should have known better.
  3. Griffin Guess named a surf contest Titans of Maverick and a company Cartel Management. Like he really did.

And that’s pretty much it. You probably won’t read anymore about Griffin Guess here unless BeachGrit wins the Titans of Maverick auction. I am submitting one half bar of warm water Sex Wax and a Rite-Aid coupon for buy one get one free Carefree maxi pads.

Even the wildcards are sad!

Opinion: Saquarema Must Die!

But we love you, Brazil!

I really thought this year would be different. That a change in venue would mean a change of heart, of spirit.

Shifting the CT from Rio to Saquarema was a necessary move by the WSL. Beyond wave quality, Rio presented genuine health concerns to our world tour competitors. Saquarema, in comparison, was a haven of health and potentially fun surf.

But, nope. Somehow it’s still the worst thing ever.

Are you wondering why we’ve yet to mention the Oi Rio Pro here on BeachGrit? It’s because they’re almost halfway through round three, and I’ve not been able to stomach more than one heat per day. The wave is so horrendous, so degrading to our sport and its foremost athletes, that it physically pains me to watch.

Also, Derek hasn’t asked me to write about the comp. Literally hasn’t even mentioned it. He probably knows it would lead to poor writing and remarkably low clicks, because the surf is so bad that nobody even cares.

I suppose the waves in Saquarema aren’t always so misshapen, but this year’s combo of backwashy and bankless is an offense to the CT fans and competitors alike. The tour is supposed to highlight the world’s best surfers in the world’s best at least decent waves, and despite their immense talent, the top 34 have looked more rodeo clown than cowboy in Brazil.

Some may argue that CT surfers should be experts in everything, from one-foot beachies to 12-foot slabs, which is something I’d agree with. But where does Saquarema fit in to that picture?

We already have France and Portugal for beach breaks plus Trestles for high-performance, so unless you think backwash negotiation is an essential aspect to high-level surfing, then this event is completely pointless. Also Brad Domke should be your world champ.

In fairness to the WSL, I doubt they’re head-over-heels about the Brazil event either. As I understand it, there are two reasons for holding an event in this region:

1. There are too many Brazilians on tour, and too many surfing fans in their nation, to deny Brazil of a CT event
2. To help fund the capital-hemorrhaging “Dream Tour” events (Cloudbreak, JBay, Teahupo’o)

In that sense, I appreciate what the WSL is doing.

But that doesn’t mean I won’t bitch and moan about this piss poor, worse-than-HB excuse for a CT venue.

Would someone just give the WSL lots of money so they can hold this thing at Noronha?

See: Hayden Cox on Mr Porter!

Mr Cox steals title of World's Most Beautiful Shaper.

Two years ago, I wrote a story called The Most Beautiful Shaper in the World. I commented, “He is still the most fantastic looking man I have ever seen and what sleepless nights he caused me!”

Back then, there was no delicacy to his exceptionally virile merchandise. He was as blood ripe as they come. The women, including my girlfriend, maybe my girlfriend most of all, had to be treated for spells of dizziness. Worse, his surfboards were addictive and try as I did, I couldn’t be indifferent to his skills

Today, however, the crown of Most Beautiful Shaper in the World, held for twenty five years in Coolangatta, Queensland, has now shifted to Palm Beach in Sydney.

Spell, broken.

Today, the online clothing emporium, Mr Porter, famous for its one-thousand dollar t-shirts and surf trunks that cost seven hundred and fifty dollars, anointed Hayden Cox, who is thirty-five, as the game’s best-dressed and, well, just look at the photos, its most handsome shaper.

From the story:

“When I go out, I love these Alexander Wang trousers. I dress them up or wear them with an oversized Rick Owens tee with a really relaxed fit. Owens’ style and aesthetic are amazing. He kind of coasts in his own little lane. And he does really cool furniture, too. As for these red Givenchy shoes – everyone has to have a few statement pieces, right?

“Style in the surf community here is still very natural. People wear what they feel comfortable in. I’ve always been a monochrome kind of guy, ever since my mum once bought me, my dad and my brother matching fluoro wetsuits. This Saint Laurent black tee has a thick neckline, it’s really durable and is something I can wear a million times that keeps getting better with age. I’m a big fan of NikeLabs. Shoe designers influence me because I can relate a sneaker’s structure and form to shaping boards. I always look at the fabrics because there are a fair few similarities.”

“I’m a morning person. I always head down at sunrise for a surf. Salt water is the best wake-up call, but it can be a little cold before the heat of the day, so I make sure I have something warm to throw on before and after, like this soft Haider Ackermann jumper. I do tend to wear a lot of black – black tees, black shorts, black caps. My personal style and design aesthetic are pretty monochromatic, too. I like clean lines.”

“In the factory, I get messy, dirty, dusty, waxy, salty, sandy, you name it. So typically, I won’t wear anything that I don’t want to ruin. Cut-offs like these Vetements x Reebok are almost a board short style. I’ve worn flip-flops before, but it never ends well. I always end up dropping something on my foot. So a pair of boots like these Valentinos are an essential. They’re robust but lightweight and super wearable.”

“When I’m in the shop in Mona Vale [a few beaches south of Palm Beach] chatting with customers, I’ll wear something a bit smarter but still casual, like my favourite Balenciaga sweatpantsJewellery wise, apart from my wedding ring, I wear this bracelet. It’s basically a U-bolt that you’d put on a trailer, beautifully created by Miansai. It’s industrial and a cool take on tradesmen’s masculinity.”

Now, right about now, it’d be easy to become very insolent.

But wouldn’t you like to be this man?

A domicile near the beach, tawny skin, a robust haircut, the recipient of beautiful expensive clothing, and whatever you think of the Hypto, the maker of damn good, rideable surfboards.

Read Making Waves with Mr Hayden Cox here. 

Help: I Wanna be a Pro Surfer!

A "Choose your Own Adventure" part II!

Yesterday we began a wild choose your own adventure adventure. Read part one here and in a landslide (2 votes to 1) you chose a nice Newport Beach plastic surgeon over Mitchie Rollins (who was basically Richie Collins but many were confused). Today, we continue. Again vote either (A) or (B) in the comments! (Hint: If you are already tired of this misbegotten charade vote (B))

A nice Newport Beach Plastic surgeon

Your dad is totally great and everyone at school is way jealous. He works a lot but always makes time for your needs. Just last week he took you to the mall to get a new MacBook because you spilled acai all over your old one. He wasn’t even mad, telling you, “Look, son, into every life a little acai must fall…” while patting you on the shoulder and winking.

Next year you turn sixteen and he is going to get you a Tesla. You really wanted white but you overheard the cute girl in history telling her friend that her gaydar goes off when she sees a boy driving a white car so now you want black.

The family is always a priority. It is something he said he learned at Promise Keepers conferences when he and your mom first got married. “A strong man puts his family first and keeps his promises…” he used to tell you regularly.

He stopped saying it as much since he moved offices though, and got that super cute nurse assistant but…whatever. You know he cares.

Anyhow, you finish rubbing your eyes and look at him. He has an extremely apologetic look on his face and whispers, “Sorry, son… the door slipped out of my hand. Say, I was just checking to see if you wanted to go surfing before class today?”

You look over at your retro digital clock, see the number reading 5:32 and say…

a) Would love to, dad, but I’m too tired.
b) Ummmmm sure. Let me grab my stuff.

Shark Hysteria Fools Chas Smith!

Internet sleuths determine truth from finction!

Do you recall, four days ago, when Chas Smith wrote about LA’s latest “shark attack survivor”, Sophia Raab?  A young woman who now responds to the name Shark Bite?

Well, yeah… she was lying. Or brainwashed by social phenomena. I think. Let’s watch and find out:

Did you catch all that?

The tumble in the suds? The Great White attack in one foot of water? The fact that, during the clip, it shows a picture of her busted out fin?

It’s quite clear what happened here.

Kook is made aware of shark epidemic in SoCal, decides to surf anyway (for the love of it). Paddles in from her session, because there must not be another wave coming ever, and gets picked up by some whitewater near the shore. Tries to stand up but puts a little too much weight on the starboard rail, resulting in a raucous tumble. Is struck by fin while underwater, comes up, sees gash, mind goes directly to shark.

Even a shark expert agrees that Sophia’s wound doesn’t correlate with shark jaws.

“The injury does not appear to be the result of a shark attack,” Ralph Collier, President of the Shark Research Committee, told Surfline. “One of the skegs on her board is missing, the lifeguards said it looked like her board cut her leg and I must concur with their assessment. First, juvenile white sharks cannot produce a wound 4 inches deep as described by the physician. Also, the wound forms a right angle, 90 degrees, a shark’s upper and lower jaws are crescent shaped and would not produce the would we see in the photograph.”

In all fairness, I don’t think Shark Bite was purposefully lying. Rather, shark hysteria led Sophia to a sensationalist conclusion and a landlubbing doctor confirmed her fantasy. Once the gal changed her Instagram to @shark_bite_sophia, it was too late to amend her tale. Soph’s gotta carry this one to her grave.

This is much like Chas Smith with his shark hysteria propagation. Like Mick Fanning with his “behind-the-wave” shark punch. They’re not bad people — just misspoke in the heat of the moment!

Also, some people are irate that Sophia is using GoFundMe to support her medical bills, just because she sold the world a lie. While I understand the sentiment, I’m not sure I agree with the logic.

The girl suffered a gruesome injury regardless of its cause. Why should she only receive donations if attacked by a prehistoric beast? Are FCS1 users not a legitimate cause for charity?

Editor’s note: I have an identical (albeit smaller) scar on my right leg from the exact incident Sophia described. I always assumed it was my fin that caused the laceration.