Say it loud and proud!

Comedy: I Am Adriano De Souza!

An afternoon delight!

Had a rough day? Feeling like you need a drink to drown the sorrows of your humdrum existence? Or maybe you’re a crack-cocaine kinda gal?

Well leave those substances alone, Shirley! I’ve just the thing to perk you up and it ain’t even perc-o-cet — it’s comedy!

Surely you’ve heard of Tyler Allen. In recent months, the LA surfer has become something of a cult hero for his Instagram impersonations. He’s done Gabby and Kelly and of course Trump, but I think his latest masterpiece is his greatest. Say hello to Adriano de Souza(s)!

Da real!! @adrianodesouza @wsl @coconut_willie music by my favorite surfer Gabe Boucher @ocsabat_

A post shared by Tyler Allen (@tylerallenvo) on

And did you laugh? I did. I laughed the whole time and honestly I’m having trouble picking my favorite impersonation. My top three include: the guy in the hood, Strider, and the cut on the foot. Tyler’s was probably the best but he’s a pro so it doesn’t count.

Who knew surfers were so funny!

Fight Club: Battle of the Brands!

It's a no-holds-barred death match!

I didn’t remember how long it was between…. where was the tour last? Brazil? Fiji? and J-Bay. Each day feels like two days and it makes me very thankful for the World Surf League but also very angry at it. Why must you torture me so? Why must you leave me without when all I want is professional surfing or the vague hope of professional surfing each and every day?

And so, left with no options, I decided this morning to make my own professional surfing competition this time pitting surfboard brand logo against surfboard brand logo in sudden death heats. The impetus? I was shedding my very fine short sleeved Independent Surf Co. wetsuit just off D Street when I saw a man walk by with a very very old JS board. I studied it and especially took note of the logo, JS’s iconic earth mover, and thought, “That’s a fine logo but how does it stack up to others?”

I ain’t talking the performance of the board, the price, the selection etc. etc. No. This battle is purely about logos. The first three heats follow. Vote in the comments!


Heat 1


Heat 2


Heat 3



Pollution: “Bird poop, toilets and more!”

Which of California's beaches are the worst? Come get surprised!

The New York Times published a story this morning titled California Today: Surf, Sun and Bacteria which mostly seems like a rude and unnecessary east coast stone throw especially since there was no real new information inside.

Nearly half of California beaches earned grades of C to F during the wet weather, 12 percent more than the five-year average.

Sarah Sikich, Heal the Bay’s chief scientist, said solutions lie in programs known to mitigate runoff pollution such as increased urban green cover and projects to capture, clean and reuse storm water.

“It’s indicative of a water mismanagement issue in California,” she said. “If we were doing a better job of rethinking that runoff we could turn it from a nuisance into a resource.”

Blah blah blah. Am I right?

The fun part, though, comes when it is revealed which of California’s beaches are the worst according to Heal the Bay‘s annual report card. And guess which beaches were bad bad. Like the worst bad. Can you?


The worst worst is in Humboldt County!

Humboldt County’s Clam Beach, which is fed by two creeks, was named California’s most polluted beach by Heal the Bay.

The problem there has vexed local environmentalists who cite a panoply of possible causes: bird poop, campground toilets, old septic systems, livestock and more.

“There’s no shortage of theories,” said Jennifer Kalt, the director of Humboldt Baykeeper, an environmental group.

Bird poop, campground toilets, old septic systems, livestock and more! That’ll keep the crowds down, I bet. Which other beaches are in the bottom 10? Ladies and gentlemen without further ado I give you…

10) Salt Creek!

9) Mother’s in Marina del Rey!

8) Luffenholtz Beach in Humboldt!

7) Capitola!

6) Santa Monica pier!

5) La Jolla Cove!

4) Lakeshore park in San Mateo!

3) Cowell Beach!

2) San Clemente pier!

With Clam Beach, as previously noted, taking the top slot. I will say, it surprised me how many northern California beaches were shitty. Does that surprise you too?

Viva the San Clemente pier!

We'd be happy to fit half this turn onto twice the wave

Watch: Filipe Makes a Mess in Brazil!

More of the same but inspiring nonetheless!

What would you do if, like Filipe Toledo, you were banned from the Not-Half-Bad Fiji Pro?

A. Paddle from nearby Tonga and storm the judges’ tower, which conveniently sits in International Waters and therefore outside the WSL’s jurisdiction*.

B. Jump for joy, knowing that your tube prowess couldn’t be ridiculed until at least Teahupo’o.

C. Hang out in Brazil and practice more small wave surfing.

Let’s watch and find out!

So definitely C., B. is debatable, and sadly A. did not occur.

Lucky for Toledo, his small wave game is second best in the world and continues to thrill despite its market-place saturation.

We’ve always loved Fil for his airs, but the way he lays rail on a two-footer defies comprehension. His 2:14 turn caresses my thighs. The tow-ats twist my nipples.

But really, If I’m Filipe Toledo — the undisputed small wave/aerial master who stumbled into a two-month vacation — I’m gonna work on my flaws. The kid says he wants a title, yet I’ve never seen him take a “practice” (AKA do nothing but get barreled everyday) trip to Tahiti or Fiji.

He’s got the money, he’s got the time, and he’s apparently got the drive, so what gives?

Most pros have to be forced to practice in knee-high burgers, but it’s all Filipe seems to want to do. Alternatively, other CTers enjoy recon missions to Chopes and Cloudy while Filipe dawdles in San Clemente and Brazil.

And while I’m happy to gorge on Filipe’s small wave brilliance, I can’t help feeling empty in the afterglow. I feel this clip, from top-five film Good Will Hunting, epitomizes my feelings on the subject. (My role is played by Ben Affleck while Filipe is portrayed by a young and dashing Jason Bourne).

*Probably not international waters… definitely still within the WSL’s jurisdiction

What's it been? Two days? Three? Since a Great White story? Here, one of the better examples of the genre: murder, mystery! | Photo: Marine Dynamics

Mystery: “Murdered” Great Whites found!

Sharks washed ashore with livers, balls and stomachs "surgically" removed!

It ain’t easy being White. Nature’s friskiest animal, the Great White shark, is being targeted by “murderous” Orcas who, with “surgical precision” are removing the animals’ livers, balls and stomachs and then letting ’em bleed out on the beaches of South Africa.

According to a shark-diving company in South Africa called Marine Dynamics there are two kill-happy Orcas doing the rounds, killing sharks and, conversely, killing their shark diving biz.

Do you remember BeachGrit‘s number one favourite girl surfer after Lakey and Carissa, Ms Brinkley Davis?

As a newly qualified marine biologist she was working with a cage diving operation in South Australia that could you get close to Whites without having to bloody the water. Instead of the usual experience of Great Whites grabbing the cage with rows of see-sawing teeth and with eyes protected by their second eyelid (haunting!), the diver sees a relatively passive, inquisitive animal.

But then one day all the Whites disappeared.

Why? Orcas.

“We haven’t seen one in two weeks, ever since a couple of Orcas came through and killed a a big male behind our boat,” said Brinkley. “they take it down with their mouth or slam it with their body weight. After they kill, Orcas are picky eaters, so they’ll eat the liver and a few other things and leave the carcass. Right now it’s sitting on the sea floor. That’s why the sharks haven’t come back. Great Whites rock up to the Neptunes, think, What on earth has killed this other Great White? Obviously, no other sharks come in that area ’cause of the Great Whites so it’s a bit of a ghost town.”

And South Africa is now getting a taste.

“The pair of orcas believed to be responsible were sighted offshore of Danger Point then again in Franskraal today,” Marine Dynamics posted on Facebook. “Marine Dynamics cage diving boat tracked the pair. Subsequently, all cage diving boats failed to see white sharks today and it is believed the sharks may have fled the area once again.”

Orcas are, I think, the Vikings of the sea. They’ll herd a bunch of humpbacks, kill their babies and eat their tongues.

Or are dolphins a better example of those Nordic thugs?

They like “violent and coercive” sex, gang bangs, gang rape, they kill baby porpoises and enjoy, very much, infanticide.

Am I romanticising the ocean too much here?