The man from Ipanema and professional surfing's
first ever perfect sartorial heat!
What a day of professional surfing! It
literally had everything and I dare not even touch the action as I
look forward to Steve Shearer’s daily wraps like I look forward to
that first 2 PM cocktail. Crisp, clear, invigorating. Knocking life
straight back into true perspective, or at the very least a more
balance one.
But there is one thing I know he won’t talk about and that is
Filipe Toledo’s J-Bay perfection.
Oh not his 10 point ride, that will be discussed I’m sure, but
his sartorial perfection. The first heat ever given a full fashion
10!
Andy Irons almost got a 10 many years ago for this singlet/trunk
combo…
Through no fault of his own professional surfing was dealing
singlets that looked NASCAR back then and he didn’t quite match his
reds so he got a fashion 9.87.
Yesterday, though, Filipe Toledo went red on red with peroxide
blonde hair and 93 pounds of sartorial boom…
The black kneecaps on his wetsuit set off the white Corona
lettering on his singlet. His hair, black peeking through white.
Peroxided mustache and goatee lending an air of Greek demi-god. The
skin, a nut brown hue also nodding toward Mt. Olympus, pulling the
ensemble together…
I could really go on all day but must retreat to the swimming
pool to celebrate this momentous day because I just got the finest
pair of Etro trunks.
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In pain, or meditating on the perfect Instagram
caption? | Photo: Stab
Breaking: Slater Breaks Foot at J-Bay!
By Michael Ciaramella
Right in the metatarsals!
Oh this surfing, it’s a painful game.
Just yesterday my buddy messaged me, inquiring which orthopedic
specialist I had seen for my ACL/MCL.
Turns out that, while surfing in Puerto Escondido this past
week, he too bent his knee backwards — sending shockwaves up his
spine and a distinct tenderness to his hinge.
“It’s alright,” he assured me. “Now both my knees are evened
out.”
While not quite on the level of skating or motocross, surfing
has a way of putting you on your ass, or head, or… metatarsals.
Just ask the greatest surfer of all time, Kelly Slater, who
hours ago suffered a broken foot while surfing in Jeffrey’s Bay,
South Africa. Let’s read from the Gram:
Sheesh. Six weeks means Teahupo’o and likely Trestles are out of
the cards, which would leave Slater, currently rated eighteenth in
the world, in a very vulnerable position.
Let’s just guesstimate that, by losing third round here and 25th
at both Chopes and Lowers, Kelly would fall somewhere around the
26-mark in the standings.
Do you think he’d be able to crawl out of that hole, with only
France, Portugal, and Pipe remaining in the season? Five years ago,
it’d be without question. You’d have put five grand on Kelly
finalling at Pipe if that’s what he needed to do. He was too good
and too stubborn to lose like that.
But now… who knows?
And isn’t that terrifying!
Like, what if Slater fell off Tour? Sure, he’d almost definitely
be saved by an Injury Wildcard, but the idea of Kelly being carried
along by some technicality hurts my soul.
Before the season started, Kelly stated that this would likely
be his final game of connect-the-same-eleven-dots. But do you
really think he could go out like this?
It feels like he’s waiting for a highlight occasion, his
Freddy P. moment, if you will, to turn his
back on competitive surfing for good. Save a win at Pipe, that
seems improbable in 2017.
So what the hell does he do? Try to scrape his way back into the
Top-22 by year’s end? Or fail to do so and cling to the injury
wildcard, just for another swing at increasingly unlikely success?
Does he drop the game altogether?
The Goat is in a serious hole, with no obvious way out.
I wish him the best with his foot and otherwise.
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Meet: Slater’s “kook and wasted
talent”!
By Derek Rielly
Inspect the Instagram warrior who madly possessed
the world champ!
Three days ago, Kelly Slater applied a wet
napkin to a fellow Instagram warrior who suggested his
boards were hurting his surfing.
Kelly responded: “You’ve literally done and continue to do
nothing worthwhile in your life but be an envious loudmouth. It’s a
feeble attempt for some attention so here ya go.”
and
“You come on here insulting me and attacking other people,
throwing vitriol. Always looking for attention but the wrong kind.
You’re the same guy you’ve always been, that’s the problem. Nobody
said you were scared but nobody is scared of you either. Now move
along.”
Yesterday, Chucky Rigano, whom you might remember when he
smeared Dane Reynolds’ makeup at Sandspit (read, “Barneys act like I spat on
Dane’s baby” here), pointed us to an old Lost
film where Sean delivers a monologue to camera.
“Hi, I’m Sean Volland. I’m a pretty good surfer and a very good
drinker and have fire for breath. I’m gonna send my portfolio to
Marlboro and say, look, dude, I smoke menthols. I smoke lights.
I’ll smoke Reds. I’ll smoke the butts out of the ashtray in the
morning and drink warm beer so ytou guys should hook me up – 100
grand a year, a business account all the Marlboro gear, a company
gold card, company ride. Send me to Kirra, dude, I’ll smoke cigs in
the tbe backside while cutting rabbit off – I’m serious, I’m not
even kidding…”
Where is he now? Dying of lupus! Says he wants to die surfing
big Teahupoo!
Mr Volland enters at four minutes and fifty seconds!
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Sydney: “Gladiatorial exercise in
futility!”
By Chas Smith
CNN puts Australia's second favorite city in its
crosshairs!
One of my great pleasures is when the
mainstream media (#msm #fakenews #failing #lowratings) covers
surfing and this morning I was very satisfied with Donald J.
Trump’s number one enemy CNN’s take on surfing in Sydney. Let’s
read from the top.
Surfing. It conjures up images of exotic locales,
palm-fringed shorelines, adventure and discovery and of a lifestyle
that basks in the sun’s warming embrace. While Tahiti or The
Solomons offer this dream in abundance, Sydney’s version of donning
rubber or boardshorts has become a gladiatorial exercise in
frustration and at times futility.
Welcome to the combative nature of urban surfing. Sydney
style.
While that iconic movie, “The Endless Summer,” may echo in
older memories, Sydney surfing is a juxtaposed conundrum of how far
we’ve come and of how much we’ve lost. The simple pleasure gained
from one good turn, a cover up, or the chance to meditate upon the
day, belies the stark reality of crowded line-ups, localism,
injuries, and competition for waves. Where to surf in Sydney has become an endless
question.
Does this sound like surfing in Sydney to you? Has CNN captured
the essence?
The top places to surf are then listed in what appears to be
random order.
1) Garie Beach: “An entry fee is required.”
2) Shark Island: “A deposit of skin is the
usual transaction required should you not judge the takeoff
correctly.”
3) Wanda Beach: “The location for the 1980s
coming-of-age movie, “Puberty Blues.”
4) Palm Beach: “Go to the kiddies corner.”
5) Macca’s: “If you make it out unscathed, it’s
a short walk to a beer at the Bondi Icebergs.”
6) Curl Curl: “you should find a wave to
satisfy your surfing appetite.”
7) Whale Beach: “Situated amongst some of the
most expensive real estate in Sydney.”
8) Long Reef: “Keep your head down.”
9) Narrabeen: “Frequent close-outs and
rips.”
10) Bilgola Beach: “One of the most
satisfying.”
Does this seem like a fine enough assessment or will you take to
Twitter and post short videos of you smashing CNN in the face?
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J-Bay Analysis: “The end of the
beginning!”
By Longtom
Is pro surfing evolving? Progressing, remaining
stagnant or regressing?
It’s fashionable to imagine the end of Pro Surfing is
nigh, but I believe we are at the end of the beginning,
not the beginning of the End and that Pro Surfing will stretch out
into deep time, as one of the favoured tropes of human
evolution.
Sorry I missed the start.
I was drinking with Sicilians at a family function but Chas did
beautiful on the opening play by play. I actually had plans to
develop a pod-cast for the event as coverage because there seems to
be an opening in the market for another surf podcast.
Maybe there is room for another twenty?
This one, to be named, the Talking Parrot 2.0, and to
be hosted by my parrot Dexter. He has a penchant for
ultra-progressive surfboard design, spending large amounts of time
at the Dan (Tomo) Thomson family home (true). It was all these surf
journo turf wars that got me fired up for the Talking Parrot
2.0, that and the words of American genius Jay Reatard:
It’s not complete.
I must compete.
Stand on my feet.
Live with these creeps.
Not saying surf podcasters are creepy cats, just that the
average surf podcast is far too short. So I planned the opening
Podcast: Historical evolution of pro surfing performance as seen
through the prism of Jeffreys Bay, to run for 27 months and 16
days. Upcoming podcasts were planned to be 73 years long and were
to be played in birthing units to unborn kiddies in case they
accidentally expired before the peak moments were broadcast.
Anyhoo, I ran over Dexter in my Camry wagon (true) and he dead
now, so the idea is scuttled. Very sad. But we continue the thread
of evolution herewith.
Jay Reatard: I’m sitting here waiting for something to
evolve.
Kelly Slater: “You ever stand up on a wave and feel yourself
channeling someone else, almost like an entity takes over your
body ….you can’t help but be mesmerized…Tom Curren flow, Terry
Fitz speed lines..”
Which raises the question of the most important issue in Pro
Surfing. Is it evolving? Progressing, remaining stagnant or
regressing?
According to Kelly it is completely progressing. He said so
himself during a presser in Fiji where he slammed the surfing of
his peers when he came on tour as deplorable, in which case, why
look back? Why nominate Tom Curren and the Sultan of Speed as the
desirable templates and spiritual entities to be channeled if
progression is the ultimate aim?
He has friends, including Professor Anders Ericsson, the world’s
reigning expert on peak performance, who sees in most athletic
endeavours a clear and consistent line of progress and improvement
and claims the “horizons of human potential are expanding with each
new generation”.
I argue the former and that there has been one true revolution
in pro surfing history and that was Dane Reynolds. Dane brutalised
the judging criteria, completely reshaping it to fit his own
vision. Slater tried to run on with it. Then Dane quit and the
judges returned to stagnation. So sad. So very sad. But not for us
who can afford to take the long view.
On the other hand, German philosopher Fred Nietzsche observed
that evolution did not proceed with straight line progress, that
the mediocre could overwhelm the great, that evolution was rife
with blind alleys, stagnant waterholes, regressions and wrong turns
of every description.
Derek Hynd observed that surfing performance at J-Bay had
declined with every inch the wide point migrated back towards the
tail.
Which is the correct view? Who is right? Freddy and Hynd or
Slater and the Swede?
I argue the former and that there has been one true revolution
in pro surfing history and that was Dane Reynolds. Dane brutalised
the judging criteria, completely reshaping it to fit his own
vision. Slater tried to run on with it. Then Dane quit and the
judges returned to stagnation. So sad. So very sad. But not for us
who can afford to take the long view.
Now John Florence puts his wide point forwards on the ghost face
wave killah and voila, the drive comes back.
Evolution by going backwards.
And Slater who claims the inspiration of channeling past masters
goes the other way and makes his equipment twitchier and less
drivey. He moves away from what he himself considers the highwater
mark and template!
Tres Ironic!
Is this the greatest evolutionary wrong turn and blind alley in
pro surfing history, this late stage equipment and let us be honest
and call it for what it is, an atrocity, by Kelly Slater? An
atrocity so blatant even his childhood friends feel the need to
bring it to his attention?
Just to make sure this wasn’t old man thinking I tapped one of
my intelligence assets on the ground here. The best 15-year-old
surfer in Australia, Lennox Heads’ Mikey McDonough who said in
answer to who was the best surfer at J-Bay,
“Mick, yeah Mick.”
And historically, Mikey, who is the best of all time?
“Tom Curren, I guess”.
There it’s settled. This sport has officially gone
backwards.
Let us all examine it forensically over the coming days and
compare it to the highwater mark of Tom Curren and adjudicate
accordingly. Spaz pumps are clearly a sign of devolution. Kelly did
three between every turn.
