Inspect the Instagram warrior who madly possessed the world champ!
Three days ago, Kelly Slater applied a wet napkin to a fellow Instagram warrior who suggested his boards were hurting his surfing.
Kelly responded: “You’ve literally done and continue to do nothing worthwhile in your life but be an envious loudmouth. It’s a feeble attempt for some attention so here ya go.”
and
“You come on here insulting me and attacking other people, throwing vitriol. Always looking for attention but the wrong kind. You’re the same guy you’ve always been, that’s the problem. Nobody said you were scared but nobody is scared of you either. Now move along.”
Yesterday, Chucky Rigano, whom you might remember when he smeared Dane Reynolds’ makeup at Sandspit (read, “Barneys act like I spat on Dane’s baby” here), pointed us to an old Lost film where Sean delivers a monologue to camera.
“Hi, I’m Sean Volland. I’m a pretty good surfer and a very good drinker and have fire for breath. I’m gonna send my portfolio to Marlboro and say, look, dude, I smoke menthols. I smoke lights. I’ll smoke Reds. I’ll smoke the butts out of the ashtray in the morning and drink warm beer so ytou guys should hook me up – 100 grand a year, a business account all the Marlboro gear, a company gold card, company ride. Send me to Kirra, dude, I’ll smoke cigs in the tbe backside while cutting rabbit off – I’m serious, I’m not even kidding…”
Where is he now? Dying of lupus! Says he wants to die surfing big Teahupoo!
Mr Volland enters at four minutes and fifty seconds!
Slater is done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
karma is a bitch
Mega hypocrite but if he’s dying of lupus the should take better care of himself ( drags cig, slams coffee)
I believe it was one, Tronald Dump, who was the initial miner of the Colonal Volland Marlboro pitch from the afforementioned thread
Plug Kelly Slater’s initial and second IG responses into the http://www.iwl.me website.
“You’re a kook. You’ve wasted your life and talent.”
and “you’ve literally done and continue to do nothing worthwhile in your life but be an envious loudmouth. It’s a feeble attempt for some attention so here ya go. You were actually a pretty cool kid and good surfer. But life did a number on you.”
The result …..Harry Harrison (born March 12, 1925) is an American science fiction author best known for his character the Stainless Steel Rat and the novel Make Room! Make Room! (1966), the basis for the film Soylent Green (1973). He is also (with Brian Aldiss) co-president of the Birmingham Science Fiction Group.
So Kelly. So Sci-Fi Stainless Steel Rat Make room Make room Guy!
Should put the grit back in beachgrit an get a interview with this guy. At least it’d b something different to some of the shit you guys have been punching out lately.
An he’s kinda right slaters boards look like shit. Tomo’s boards had the nickname ‘career killers’ for a while around Lennox
Sounds like he was an asshole from the start… just as Kelly pointed out.
I don’t think you have to be a great surfer to work out Kelly has had equipment problems since he left CI , feels like his a Rip Curl team rider ,”searching” for new designs , technologies , and manufacturing process’s , with not a very good strike rate on any of his forays into surfboard performance and construction.
Seems like Sean struck a nerve with Kelly as we can see by his response , which brings into question , is the new Slater Design Surfboard business plan working?
We all know that Kelly uses a lot of shapers and gets them thru Travis , so what’s missing , why is the sci-fi the only model that really worked commercially and no new models , Kelly can’t surf the Sci-fi , so what is next?
Maybe someone called a journalist should ask Kelly , but then you might get Kelly banning you , or worse getting personal with you!
So really the question is , has Kelly wasted his talent searching for something with the wrong tools??
i have two ridiculous theories. The first is that Kelly knows he isn’t the alpha male, John John is. By “experimenting” with different shapes, we aren’t focussed on his surfing, we are focussed on his boards. Don’t think Kelly is capable of this sort of shit? Come on. Secondly, long railed boards will not work in Kelly’s Kook Pond. Short, super responsive, twitchy lil’ sleds will get the job done. You barely need any drive, that wave will keep sucking you back into the sweet spot of the wave. I reckon he is going down a different evolutionary pathway to develop a board that works in the chlorine. He’s no fucking idiot. He knows his days of chasing titles are over. This is his pension plan… Did I say ridiculous?
Be interesting to know what’s going on in GOAT’s mind. Few things ….
Kelly looks like he’s have great fun riding his Slater Designs EPS boards. EPS are great fun to ride, but you’re actully surfing like shit in reality ie spaz double-triple bottom turn pumps ie Longtom etc Good on him if he’s having fun. The guy has 11 world titles, maybe he wants to experiment and doesn’t give a fuck what we think. The gap is he seems to think he’s surfing as good or better then ever. It’s painful to watch his heats
Then of course Slater Designs and Firewire are businesses. How many clearance Firewire boards be on the market if he backtracked to PU?
Honestly I think like most viewers I’m tuning in to only watch JJF heats. Cool watching the generational change and progressive surfing in good waves
A little (tangential) thought experiment: say Kelly actually IS still in it to win. How many world titles, between he and Taj and whoever else, have Firewires flushed away?
Is that why they made the pool drains just slightly less in diameter to the width of a Firewire wave pool driver?
Who knows? Loses closely to Mick in 2013. In his mind he’s still right in the world title mix. Was the reality he was still only competitive in pumping Fiji and Chopes? Medina owned 2014, ADS crunched the numbers in 2015, and JJF discovered heat tactics in 2016.
I don’t think he’s worked out he’s irrelevant unless the surf is pumping. Letting the world know he’s on the hunt for one last world title in 2017? He is the GOAT, it’s just sad to see him bow out this way, hope I’m wrong
Was taj even ridin them? Rumour was he was just riding normal pu boards sprayed to look like firewires
Nah, he was riding them. Trooly Rooly.
He was riding them. So’s Kelly.
Fuckin baller move, even if does prove my theory wrong. Is it possible to love Taj more?
Most of those boards under his feet aren’t eps. Standard poly blank/construction with a black band airbrushed down the stringer
You absolutely sure of that?
yep!
I suppose “most” wasn’t the proper term here. I’ll reiterate that “many” of those boards under his feet aren’t EPS. And I am absolutely sure of that as I have seen it with me very own eyes
Nah, maybe there’s an outlier there for experimentation, but he’s riding the things.
bah humbug!!
I’ve always thought that the best money BeachGrit could ever possibly proffer would be from a tobacco or alcohol advertiser. Fuck a performance shortboard, somebody get Camel and Cointreau on the line.
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
A website is not yesterday’s aged regional pro. Phillip Morris and Rémy Cointreau have ad budgets transcendent of any boardmaker out there. Just a matter of which turkish tobacco and French liqueur pairs with BeachGrit’s unique flavor.
I’d say Beachgrit is more like an expensive tequila. People think its going to leave a bad taste in their mouth but it’s actually a pleasant experience… until you have one to many and empty your guts over the girl you’ve been boring the shit out of for 40mins. The circle of life.
“it’s actually a pleasant experience… until you have one to many…”.
beachgrit commentariat are such a special breed. Some of the best subtle wit there is on the WCCT. (World Championship Commentariat Tour). “one TO many” is a great range of tequila consumption. “…a pleasant…empty your guts over the girl you’ve been boring the shit out of for 40mins” range.
more like mezcal then
Mezcal taste like shit whatever the cost ( I hate the grain aftertaste ). Good tequila is smooth, really good tequila is like brandy.
Well, thanks to you Mariano, it’s hard to imagine you’re not all autistic surfing savants, crouched over roll-up desks in darkened libraries smoking cigars and sucking down a few quiet sherries while wearing silk smoking jackets and cravats and typing out a few witticisms per day.
I believe the word is “sophisticated.”
Yeah, not sure if using ‘sophisticated’ and our splishy splashy wiggling pastime will ever work.
But we’re savants at “autistic surfing” not autistic “surfing savants.” It’s the only modality of surfing that enables gentlemen-scholars to participate.
Well, that’s a sophisticated reply. And “autistic surfing” pretty much sums up my style. What I understand of my surfing is completely unconnected to what others see. (I’m still waiting for my board sponsorship).
By the way, you’ve no idea how much I appreciate both this image (closer to truth than you might imagine!) and the serious reference to cravats.