Faux/Real: Surfing in a Speedo!

By Chas Smith

8 years ago

BeachGrit's guide to your water-based fashion!

Welcome to a brand new BeachGrit feature called Faux/Real™ where we examine beach + water fashion and tell you if it is FAUX or REAL!

(For those who don’t speak French “faux” means “artificial or not real. For those who don’t speak English “real” means réal.)

And first up we have surfing in a speedo.

Which is totally REAL.

Surfing speedo man don’t care all. He don’t care about you. He don’t care about me. He don’t care about the hair on his upper thigh that is now part of his wax. Surfing speedo man is going to breeze through the coming apocalypse and, fingers crossed, still be able to breed. If he runs over you in the lineup apologize to him for being embarrassed about your own wiener.

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J-Bay: The Curse of the Promo Video!

By Chas Smith

8 years ago

World number 1 Wilko performs badly on day 1! Whose fault is it?

The world’s best surfers have returned to the world’s best waves with the world’s best announcer back in his rightful place next to the world’s best color man. That’s right! Turpel n Pottz! Joe Turpel n Martin “Pottz” Potter! How much did you miss their dance? Their conversation? Their florid call of the watery ballet?

If I was the World Surf League, I would use my Santa Monica studio to make the world’s best buddy movie titled Turpel n Pottz Go to the G20! Synopsis. Turpel n Pottz are on their way to South Africa to call the 2017 Corona beer J-Bay Open when their plane is accidentally diverted to Hamburg, Germany. A series of hilarious mishaps ensue and the duo eventually end up with the world’s most powerful leaders, solving problems with simple but effective solutions.

It would be a hit and it is exactly what the World Surf League should do but what they are doing is making promotional videos that curse their number ones.

The latest victim? Matt Wilko Wilkinson!

The current number one’s bit is title Crack! Now He’s #1 and goes, “No one saw Wilko coming until we heard the crack of a new world number 1 now he’s marching to JBay with everyone’s undivided attention.”

Well, he proceeded to lose and lose big time in his heat vs J-Flo and Patrick Ewing.

Jeremy Flores looked very good on his waves, even claiming in the middle of one, and Patrick looked ok but Wilko looked bad, netting two low scores in gorgeous surf.

And don’t you think it is the Curse of the Promo? It has taken both John John and Jordy down and I think there is some scientific truth here.

What else happened at J-Bay? Oh I don’t want to spoil Steve Shearer’s magic but hint:

Kelly has something to prove, John John didn’t fail, Parko, Gabs gonna win it all, Jordy did fail.

And we’re back!

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Do you want to soar like I. Crane? Try this ...Lost fighter jet!

Watch: A Surfboard You Should Consider!

By Michael Ciaramella

8 years ago

You know, for those small summer days...

I used to think that ‘good surfboards’ and ‘bad surfboards’ were bullshit.

That it was the Indian, not the arrow, who determined a graceful slide. And while it’s true that exceptional riders can make any board, plank of wood, or esky lid look good, there’s something to be said for a superior board.

I was forced to change my mind just this year when, on two separate occasions, I stumbled upon the best boards in the world (for their respective conditions).

The first was a …Lost Puddle Jumper.

I ride mine at 5′ x 19.5′ x 2.25′ which equates to 26 liters of foam… three more liters than my standard shorty. The extra foam lends itself to increased paddle power, flat-section speed and somehow, thanks to the incredible design of the board, unaffected maneuverability. It can carve, it can air, and considering its chodey nature, the thing does a damn good job of stabbing through the lip. I’ll never ride another board below chest high.

The second was a Channel Islands Rook 15 — Adriano’s hand-me-down, to be specific.

Mine is 5’8 x 18.25 x 2.2 and the only way to describe its glide is with a Muhammad Ali quote: floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee. Just today I emailed my CI contact, attempting to procure more of Adriano’s throwaways — one, two, maybe even three! I’m out of the water for a few months, but it’d make me so happy to have them in my garage. To look at them. Touch them. Bring them inside and wax ’em all over the couch.

I can only imagine that Ian Crane feels a similar affinity to his …Lost V3 Stealth. Notice the control, the speed that Ian carries through gutless conditions. It looks incredibly fun, and user-friendly to boot!

Could this be the board for you, or will you keep your C+ rating thank-you-very-much?

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Quiz: What shaper would you sex?

By Derek Rielly

8 years ago

Who would you invite for the ultimate private drink?

Two days ago I wrote what I would regard as an asexual report on the surfboards Jon Pyzel had made for John John Florence to ride at J-Bay.

(Read here)

But where I saw concaves and pin-tails and the thrill of discovering the hitherto unknown elements of his surfboards, the commentariat was sodden with cocks, punctuating my civility with their perverse delight.

Typical examples:

This is a public forum and such advances toward him I think are not warranted publicly. Derek would be better to invite him for a drink privately if that’s his angle!!

SharkAttack575: look at some past pieces on Pyzel from this same senior surf journalist and see similar references to to his sex appeal! Personally I think it’s unfair toward the shaper! I do not know if he’s straight, gay, bi or even trans tilted nor do I care but this is a public forum and such advances toward him I think are not warranted publicly. Derek would be better to invite him for a drink privately if that’s his angle!!

Jocks: Jon Pyzel and Derek would make a super cute couple.

SharkAttack575: I am not bigoted on this topic — I just think it was super creepy the way Derek has advanced on him publicly. poor use of his own forum

The line, “Derek would be better to invite him for a drink privately if that’s his angle” did make me think.

Who would I invite for a private drink? Oh, entirely hypothetically, of course, but I wondered who would I like to dissolve under?

Whose heavy arms would you like to melt in?

Let’s wander through the game park.

Matt Biolos:

For: Very good conversation, with an emphasis on World War Two weaponry and California-skewed eighties punk. Can drink although doesn’t like to dance. Excellent surf partner who will help you secure a set wave at Lowers.

Against: Brusqueness can be mistaken for unfriendliness.

Jon Pyzel

For: A Hawaiian version of Matt Biolos in many ways. Good conversation. Is curious. Excellent sense of humour. Small agile rump.

Against: Only has eyes for John John.

Darren Handley

For: I didn’t write a story called The Most Beautiful Shaper in the World for ironic kicks. Twenty five years ago, DHD could be spotted by his waterfall of Rapunzel hair and by the nymphets who pulsated whenever his radiant limbs appeared. Beauty fades for all of us, and not even Darren has been spared, although the famous charisma remains.

Against: You’ll have to get past Mick Fanning.

Maurice Cole

For: The stories! You could sit at his feet all night long and never become bored by his explosive stories of life, love, prison, superstars, money won and lost, cancers that come and go and so forth.

Against: Has a tendency to over-dramatise.

Now who have I missed?

Jason Stevenson? (Lithe)

Ryan Burch? (Overbite)

Mark Richards? (Chronic back problem)

Tomo? (Perfect)

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Guilty: Clay Marzo’s bookkeeper jailed!

By Chas Smith

8 years ago

An egregious crime was committed. She also stole money from Clay Marzo.

Do you recall the very sad story of Clay Marzo’s very naughty bookkeeper stealing $400,000.00 from him and his family pushing one of Maui’s brightest star into debt? Catch up at BoardRap here but quite basically the Filipino woman wrote many bad checks, sent her children money, paid her credit card debts, etc.

No good.

Well, at least she will be going to jail. Let’s read from Maui News!

Felicidad Rivera, 51, of Makawao was sentenced to 35 months in jail after pleading guilty to 13 counts of wire fraud in February. She has until Aug. 21 to turn herself in to begin serving her sentence.

U.S. District Senior Judge Susan Oki Mollway ordered Rivera to repay her victims $373,182 and to undergo three years of supervised release after she completes her jail term. However, Rivera, an immigrant in the United States legally, will likely get deported to the Philippines when she leaves jail because her crimes qualify as aggravated theft by the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, said the family’s attorney, Joy Yanagida.

In 2015, Clark discovered charges to her Macy’s card for designer bags and items she had not purchased, the complaint said. She learned the purchases were shipped to Rivera’s address.

Clark considered Rivera a trusted friend who attended her son’s high school graduation and was alongside him when he was diagnosed with Asperger’s. She said Rivera also knew she struggled with numbers due to her dyslexia.

“She saw us as targets and she took it,” Clark said. “And she bought Michael Kors bags. How pathetic.”

Oh so pathetic and gag me with a fork. She should have gotten an extra 12-24 month for choosing Michael Kors bags over a Hermes Birkin.

Seriously, Tory Burch bags are better than Michael Kors bags like for reals. I’d almost go so far as to say Coach bags are even better than Michael Kors bags and I’m not even kidding.

If you steal $400,000.00 you had better not bring any weak Michael Kors shit around here. What would I recommend? Well you can’t go wrong with Hermes almost across the board but if you want to mix it up a little I’d go for the Louis Vuitton x Rei Kawakubo monogram.