I used to think that ‘good surfboards’ and ‘bad
surfboards’ were bullshit.
That it was the Indian, not the arrow, who determined a graceful
slide. And while it’s true that exceptional riders can make any
board, plank of wood, or esky lid look good, there’s something to
be said for a superior board.
I was forced to change my mind just this year when, on two
separate occasions, I stumbled upon the best boards in the world
(for their respective conditions).
The first was a …Lost Puddle Jumper.
I ride mine at 5′ x 19.5′ x 2.25′ which equates to 26 liters of
foam… three more liters than my standard shorty. The extra foam
lends itself to increased paddle power, flat-section speed and
somehow, thanks to the incredible design of the board, unaffected
maneuverability. It can carve, it can air, and considering its
chodey nature, the thing does a damn good job of stabbing through
the lip. I’ll never ride another board below chest high.
The second was a Channel Islands Rook 15 — Adriano’s
hand-me-down, to be specific.
Mine is 5’8 x 18.25 x 2.2 and the only way to describe its glide
is with a Muhammad Ali quote: floats like a butterfly, stings
like a bee. Just today I emailed my CI contact,
attempting to procure more of Adriano’s throwaways — one, two,
maybe even three! I’m out of the water for a few months, but it’d
make me so happy to have them in my garage. To look at them. Touch
them. Bring them inside and wax ’em all over the couch.
I can only imagine that Ian Crane feels a similar affinity to
his …Lost V3 Stealth. Notice the control, the speed that Ian
carries through gutless conditions. It looks incredibly fun, and
user-friendly to boot!
Could this be the board for you, or will you keep your C+ rating
thank-you-very-much?
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Quiz: What shaper would you sex?
By Derek Rielly
Who would you invite for the ultimate private
drink?
Two days ago I wrote what I would regard as an asexual
report on the surfboards Jon Pyzel had made for John
John Florence to ride at J-Bay.
But where I saw concaves and pin-tails and the thrill of
discovering the hitherto unknown elements of his surfboards, the
commentariat was sodden with cocks, punctuating my civility with
their perverse delight.
Typical examples:
This is a public forum and such advances toward him I think are
not warranted publicly. Derek would be better to invite him for a
drink privately if that’s his angle!!
SharkAttack575: look at some past pieces on Pyzel from this
same senior surf journalist and see similar references to to his
sex appeal! Personally I think it’s unfair toward the shaper! I do
not know if he’s straight, gay, bi or even trans tilted nor do I
care but this is a public forum and such advances toward him I
think are not warranted publicly. Derek would be better to invite
him for a drink privately if that’s his angle!!
Jocks: Jon Pyzel and Derek would make a super cute
couple.
SharkAttack575: I am not bigoted on this topic — I just
think it was super creepy the way Derek has advanced on him
publicly. poor use of his own forum
The line, “Derek would be better to invite him for a drink
privately if that’s his angle” did make me think.
Who would I invite for a private drink? Oh, entirely
hypothetically, of course, but I wondered who would I like to
dissolve under?
Whose heavy arms would you like to melt in?
Let’s wander through the game park.
Matt Biolos:
For: Very good conversation, with an emphasis on World War Two
weaponry and California-skewed eighties punk. Can drink although
doesn’t like to dance. Excellent surf partner who will help you
secure a set wave at Lowers.
Against: Brusqueness can be mistaken for unfriendliness.
Jon Pyzel
For: A Hawaiian version of Matt Biolos in many ways. Good
conversation. Is curious. Excellent sense of humour. Small agile
rump.
Against: Only has eyes for John John.
Darren Handley
For: I didn’t write a story called The Most Beautiful Shaper in
the World for ironic kicks. Twenty five years ago, DHD
could be spotted by his waterfall of Rapunzel hair and by the
nymphets who pulsated whenever his radiant limbs appeared. Beauty
fades for all of us, and not even Darren has been spared, although
the famous charisma remains.
Against: You’ll have to get past Mick Fanning.
Maurice Cole
For: The stories! You could sit at his feet all night long and
never become bored by his explosive stories of life, love, prison,
superstars, money won and lost, cancers that come and go and so
forth.
Against: Has a tendency to over-dramatise.
Now who have I missed?
Jason Stevenson? (Lithe)
Ryan Burch? (Overbite)
Mark Richards? (Chronic back problem)
Tomo? (Perfect)
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Guilty: Clay Marzo’s bookkeeper
jailed!
By Chas Smith
An egregious crime was committed. She also stole
money from Clay Marzo.
Do you recall the very sad story of Clay
Marzo’s very naughty bookkeeper stealing $400,000.00 from him and
his family pushing one of Maui’s brightest star into debt? Catch up
at BoardRap here
but quite basically the Filipino woman wrote many bad checks, sent
her children money, paid her credit card debts, etc.
No good.
Well, at least she will be going to jail. Let’s read from Maui
News!
Felicidad Rivera, 51, of Makawao was sentenced to 35 months
in jail after pleading guilty to 13 counts of wire fraud in
February. She has until Aug. 21 to turn herself in to begin serving
her sentence.
U.S. District Senior Judge Susan Oki Mollway ordered Rivera
to repay her victims $373,182 and to undergo three years of
supervised release after she completes her jail term. However,
Rivera, an immigrant in the United States legally, will likely get
deported to the Philippines when she leaves jail because her crimes
qualify as aggravated theft by the U.S. Immigration and Customs
Enforcement, said the family’s attorney, Joy Yanagida.
In 2015, Clark discovered charges to her Macy’s card for
designer bags and items she had not purchased, the complaint said.
She learned the purchases were shipped to Rivera’s
address.
Clark considered Rivera a trusted friend who attended her
son’s high school graduation and was alongside him when he was
diagnosed with Asperger’s. She said Rivera also knew she struggled
with numbers due to her dyslexia.
“She saw us as targets and she took it,” Clark said. “And
she bought Michael Kors bags. How pathetic.”
Oh so pathetic and gag me with a fork. She should have gotten an
extra 12-24 month for choosing Michael Kors bags over a Hermes
Birkin.
Seriously, Tory Burch bags are better than Michael Kors bags
like for reals. I’d almost go so far as to say Coach bags are even
better than Michael Kors bags and I’m not even kidding.
If you steal $400,000.00 you had better not bring any
weak Michael Kors shit around here. What would I recommend? Well
you can’t go wrong with Hermes almost across the board but if you
want to mix it up a little I’d go for the Louis Vuitton x Rei
Kawakubo monogram.
Gucci x Gucci Ghost’s graffiti bag is kind of now and you’d be a
sensation at your next dinner party.
Chanel is, of course, classic and a must if you don’t already
have one. The Boy Bag is a nice choice.
But I seriously think you could pull off the Fendi Monster Eyes
peekaboo bag best of all. It is to die.
So a lot of directions you can go.
What are you thinking?
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GC: “Steel structure” to ease
crowding!
By Chas Smith
Australia's Gold Coast experiment could alter the
very world!
If you have ever been to Snapper Rocks off
Australia’s Gold Coast or even seen pictures you know that it is
very very crowded. I sometimes see it as a vision of the
post-apocalyptic world. A place where 90% of the world’s waves have
been rendered worthless due either rising sea levels or nuclear
poisoning. The remaining surfers scratch and kill over Snapper and
ummmm Trestles, only banding together in order to fight roving
bands of Chinese interlopers.
Damn Chinese.
And it was with this scenario in mind that I saw a headline with
bleary eyes this morning from the Australian Broadcasting
Corporation that read:
Surf Break Made of Fabricated Steel Aims to Reduce Crowding
on Gold Coast Waves
But through bleary eyes and into an addled brain it read:
Fabricated Steel at Surf Break Aims to Reduce Crowding on
Gold Coast Waves
And I immediately imagined an outside jail built right on the
Snapper Rocks for unruly surfers or egregious snakes or anyone on a
fun/egg shape or you know… the sorts of surfers we don’t like. They
would be fished out of the water by a giant hook and put inside the
jail for up to four hours, depending on the offense. In the
post-apocalypse it will be used exclusively for Chinese
interlopers.
Damn Chinese.
Then I read the story.
Steve Barrett of Offshore Surf Reefs has been working on a
new concept of artificial reef for more than 10 years.
After successful wave tank trials at the University of NSW
he is ready to put it to the test.
Mr Barrett has approached Tweed Shire Council for support to
apply for a grant to help him build a prototype of his reef
design.
If successful, he wants to trial his concept on the Tweed,
with Dreamtime Beach at Kingscliff flagged by council officers as
the likely test spot.
The artificial reef would be made of fabricated steel off
site and floated 150m off shore where it would be attached to the
seafloor.
Ummm. Have you ever surfed an artificial reef? Do you think they
are more or less viable than Kelly Slater’s Wave Ranch technology?
But do you think my idea of an outside jail is even
moreviable than either?
Me too.
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Breaking: Kelly Slater Goes to War on
IG!
By Derek Rielly
Kelly tells old stud, "You're a kook. You've wasted
your life and talent!"
A few hours ago, Kelly Slater, the greatest athlete of
all time with the possible exception of Jim Thorpe etc,
wrote an innocuous Instagram post drumming up interest in the J-Bay
contest.
“Serious question,” posted Kelly. “You ever stand up on a wave
and feel yourself channeling someone else, almost like an entity
takes over your body and you become your idea of who that person is
or what they feel in your mind? Like a crime scene investigator
where they have to become that person to solve the mystery or
unlock the riddle before the answers unfold? At #JBay, you can’t
help but be mesmerized…Tom Curren flow, Terry Fitz speed lines,
Johnny Boy/Occy power stick in my mind. Here’s to hoping everyone
falls under its spell in the coming days.”
Of Kelly’s two million followers, 27,409 punched like, and a
couple of hundred wrote fawning responses. A typical example,
“You should do some book writings, Kelly!!! Perfect discription
of feelings,” wrote Christian Kattelmann. “This is how
every surfer feels about you.”
“You’re a kook. You’ve wasted your life and
talent.”
And off it went.
colonel_ricc_vonn@kellyslater “At
least you reconize talent kid!!! Lmfao . Was telling Reola the
other day, Id much rather be The Col. that the GOAT!!! I prefer
sheep; Black Sheep!!! Watch out for them Wildcards!!:”You shoulda
retired retired with 11!! Now youre just wanting, waning, and
embarrassing yourself!!! You cant win Jeffry’s again!! Hell, I dont
think youve got another tour win in ya!!!””
kellyslater@colonel_ricc_vonn
you’ve literally done and continue to do nothing worthwhile in
your life but be an envious loudmouth. It’s a feeble attempt for
some attention so here ya go. You were actually a pretty cool kid
and good surfer. But life did a number on you.
colonel_ricc_vonn@kellyslaterDamn, and you dont know shit about my life so you damn sure
cant judge!!! Im stiil a cool guy, just not in the Slater’s world,
but I damn sure dont lose no sleep over it, nor am I looking for 15
seconds of nothing kid!!! Dont flatter yourself!! I was just making
a personal observation; no different than Derek Hynd used to get
paid for!!! Im a KS11 fan; not hater!!! But Ive got a damn good eye
and I call bullshit!!! Just Sayin!!! Im actually lmfao at how many
people are attacking me!!! Ive got some giant, face covered in tats
guy threatening my life from New Zealand!!! I aint hard to find!!
Bring Em All!!! I aint never been scared!!!
kellyslater@colonel_ricc_vonnSean, your colors don’t change. I know enough. If you weren’t
looking for something you wouldn’t have said a word. You come on
here insulting me and attacking other people, throwing vitriol.
Always looking for attention but the wrong kind. You’re the same
guy you’ve always been, that’s the problem. Nobody said you were
scared but nobody is scared of you either. Now move along.
colonel_ricc_vonn@kellyslaterlmfao and already moved!!! Good Luck!!! I didnt insult you, nor
anyone!! I just presented an opinion!!! Kinda like assholes; We all
have and can be one!!! I do know one thing; You dont know dick
about me boy, so dont say you do!!!
And in came the sycophants.
mitchpymont@colonel_ricc_vonnahahahha where are you now, on tour? Kelly still easily has
years at the top! Sit down boy and admire the best do his
work
colonel_ricc_vonn@mitchpymontok, Ill shut up and watch him lose 3rd Rd to someone like Yago
or Jacob Wilcox!! He’d probably win if he was riding a 6’2″
Simon!!! Those things hes riding and peddling are lame; Period!!!
Its regressive so his surfing!!!
And, from the ominously handled roadwarriors360,
roadwarriors360@colonel_ricc_vonnYou better publicly apologize before it’s too late. Or you’ll
have a crowd of angry surfers and hungry Great White Sharks after
you. JR
colonel_ricc_vonn@roadwarriors360go fuck yourself bro!! I run Kelly’s home town and fear
nothing!!! He wont step to me, and Ill fight you all!!! Im a
dangerous man; Dont kid yourself!!!