Who would you invite for the ultimate private drink?
Two days ago I wrote what I would regard as an asexual report on the surfboards Jon Pyzel had made for John John Florence to ride at J-Bay.
But where I saw concaves and pin-tails and the thrill of discovering the hitherto unknown elements of his surfboards, the commentariat was sodden with cocks, punctuating my civility with their perverse delight.
Typical examples:
This is a public forum and such advances toward him I think are not warranted publicly. Derek would be better to invite him for a drink privately if that’s his angle!!
SharkAttack575: look at some past pieces on Pyzel from this same senior surf journalist and see similar references to to his sex appeal! Personally I think it’s unfair toward the shaper! I do not know if he’s straight, gay, bi or even trans tilted nor do I care but this is a public forum and such advances toward him I think are not warranted publicly. Derek would be better to invite him for a drink privately if that’s his angle!!
Jocks: Jon Pyzel and Derek would make a super cute couple.
SharkAttack575: I am not bigoted on this topic — I just think it was super creepy the way Derek has advanced on him publicly. poor use of his own forum
The line, “Derek would be better to invite him for a drink privately if that’s his angle” did make me think.
Who would I invite for a private drink? Oh, entirely hypothetically, of course, but I wondered who would I like to dissolve under?
Whose heavy arms would you like to melt in?
Let’s wander through the game park.
Matt Biolos:
For: Very good conversation, with an emphasis on World War Two weaponry and California-skewed eighties punk. Can drink although doesn’t like to dance. Excellent surf partner who will help you secure a set wave at Lowers.
Against: Brusqueness can be mistaken for unfriendliness.
Jon Pyzel
For: A Hawaiian version of Matt Biolos in many ways. Good conversation. Is curious. Excellent sense of humour. Small agile rump.
Against: Only has eyes for John John.
Darren Handley
For: I didn’t write a story called The Most Beautiful Shaper in the World for ironic kicks. Twenty five years ago, DHD could be spotted by his waterfall of Rapunzel hair and by the nymphets who pulsated whenever his radiant limbs appeared. Beauty fades for all of us, and not even Darren has been spared, although the famous charisma remains.
Against: You’ll have to get past Mick Fanning.
Maurice Cole
For: The stories! You could sit at his feet all night long and never become bored by his explosive stories of life, love, prison, superstars, money won and lost, cancers that come and go and so forth.
Against: Has a tendency to over-dramatise.
Now who have I missed?
Jason Stevenson? (Lithe)
Ryan Burch? (Overbite)
Mark Richards? (Chronic back problem)
Tomo? (Perfect)
Rory kinda looks like a beaver in that picture, if beavers wore neck towels and zinc oxide
Is this site a really long winded way of coming out of the closet?
Probably very short-winded compared to that long, long filmic conversation with Dad at the race track, who, after hours of deliberation and whiskey-rocks, abruptly ends the meeting with “Son, I always knew you were a bit queer. I blame your mother and Catholic school. The two best options are acceptance and support. But I choose disinheritance.”
It’s takes some people longer than others……
Just look at Vin Diesel…
haha…!!!
Biolos seems like a bear, even if it is a panda…… would it be wrong to ask Tomo for a custom Vader when we were done…???….
Heck no it wouldn’t be wrong! He accepted your invitation so you’re pretty much rounding second for a stand up third base sled addition for your quiver. Beware though, he may ask for two dragons!
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
Haha!! Nice . …..Thought I was a little too slutty there for a second
Three recent posts by surf journo Derek – Creepy!?
1.Says the stud on the left:
2. And back to november – Today is the birthday of Jon Pyzel, whom you now know as the stud who gives world champ John John Florence wings.
3. UNBUTTONED: JON ON JOHN’S J-BAY QUIVER
Dude, why so testy? Derek is just trying to score a new Pyzel in the mail.
You have tactfully avoided your headline which included reference to button less …and Stud —- and also your previous articles which were outright creepy in your reference to pyzal — amazing!
Hey everyone! Get this!
So I went to a website called http://www.iwl.me
Its a website where you can paste your writing and it will analyze it and accurately determine what author you write like. So I took two passages from SharkAttack575 and plugged them in. I chose the following two passages:
“You have tactfully avoided your headline which included reference to button less …and Stud —- and also your previous articles which were outright creepy in your reference to pyzal — amazing!” AND
“No, This is not trolling, it is real – look at some past pieces on Pyzel from this same senior surf journalist and see similar references to to his sex appeal! Personally I think it’s unfair toward the shaper! I do not know if he’s straight, gay, bi or even trans tilted nor do I care but this is a public forum and such advances toward him I think are not warranted publicly. Derek would be better to invite him for a drink privately if that’s his angle!!”
the result: SharkAttack575 writes like David Foster Wallace who’s writing has been described as …….”Max described Wallace’s work as an “unusual mixture of the cerebral and the hot-blooded”,[36] often featuring multiple protagonists and spanning different locations in a single work. His writing comments on the fragmentation of thought” This too: “in the early 1990s Wallace was romantically obsessed with the writer Mary Karr, tattooing her name on his body” (Wikipedia)
Pretty spot on wouldn’t you say.
I write like James Joyce using this passage:
Sticking to the theme of sugars and salts…I say you incorporate a gloat (sugar) of the week and goat (salt) of the week. For gloat of the week, I’d like to read more about your surf trips to the middle east, or that time you saved…..someone…. or something. (Don’t tell me to just buy your book. Inspire me to buy your book). For goat of the week, bust out the brass-knuckles and let Venice, Venice-adjacent or the Sultan of Swish Morgs taste your vitriol.
Fascinating! I pasted in a couple of Donald Trump’s tweets and it couldn’t decide between a piece of shit and brain damaged chimp…
I pasted in Hillary’s nomination acceptance speech and it returned “Cliff Notes”.
Rumour — to get a gig writing as a surf journo for Beachgrit, your chances improve by declaring your sexual orientation as gay. It’s all making sense now – including the bitchiness of the sites content!!
Fish on! Everyone reel your lines in on this rail! We got a fish on!
Out and proud. Ditch tge equivication. $ are $
does “tge” stand for “the goodless equivocation”?
cause that would be great if it did.
I’ve never understood homophobics. Why would you care if someone was gay bi or whatever? Seems it’s the religious nutters, blokes wanting to appear manly or something, or repressed homosexuals (Sharky?)
Negatron, please just block this fool again and we can all get back to putting shit on Medina for his claims at JBay
Bill Thrailkill. The more drunk you get, the more fun saying his last name would get.
Carper. He’d open the door for you, keep his hands to himself and not make any advances to you on the first date. Downside he probably wan’t to go dutch. I hear he is tight as a tick with his pesos..
You know how hard it is to make spare coin from surfboard manufacturing? Me either!
Probably easier than making the paper kind. Which brings up an interesting thought….will Kelly play mover/shaker and challenge the bitcoin market with Kelly Koins?
I’m sure his PR company will enjoy writing the press release.
Simon. He’d give you a good seeing to then buy you a beer afterwards. Maybe three.
Yeah, I’m for Simon too. He dropped in on me once at North Narrabeen and even said “sorry”. It might have been sarcastically, but I just melted.
The shaping is one thing, although the greatest contribution he made to my life would have been the popularisation of the drinking game ‘Animal Noise Thumper’.
Great game if you’re 6’4″ and a borderline alcoholic!
Can you please explain this game. I can’t bring myself to google it cause we all know knowledge on the net is shit wrong….wrong shit….and
ever-presently wrong.
The contestants each choose a unique animal noise. Moo, miaow, woof, oink, etc. Then it is a simple matter of chanting your noise twice followed by someone else’s noise twice. That person repeats their noise and then chooses another noise. Mistakes are signalled by pointing elbows at the offender, who must then skull a measure of drink.
It sounds like this. Moo, moo, oink oink, oink oink, woof woof, woof woof, moo, moo, moo, moo, woof, woof, …wait, what? Oh shit, not again.
Mmmm beer