Newcastle's Dixon Park turns into Pipe for one
beautiful day!
Newcastle is a funny lil metropolis two hours drive
north of Sydney. It ain’t quite rural but, despite its
size, it ain’t quite city.
And so you have a swinging hipster scene, the sort that spawned
Craig Anderson, contrasting with ferocious Australiana, best
personified by the former CTer Matt Hoy.
What unifies Newcastle is an occasionally remarkable series of
beaches. With the right swell, oowee, you could be at any
world-class reef.
“Eight-footers, no problem with that, way overhead,” says Bosko.
It was a session populated by a squad (squad in the military rather
than pop culture sense, as in eight to twenty four men) of less
than a dozen surfers.
The usual crew says Bosko. Ryan Callinan, Chad Edser, Ryhs
Smith, Travis Lynch, even sixty-six-year-old local schoolteacher
Tim Laurie.
Bosko describes a wave during the session pictured where Laurie,
“who absolutely fucking charges”, took off sideways into the barrel
and was “absolutely imploded. Sixty-six years old, mate,” says
Bosko.
The surfer inside this cabana is Paul Snow, who got barrelled so
far down the line Bosko has no idea if he came out of it.
I’ve seen a lot of photos of Newcastle, Luke Egan, Hoy, Ando and
so forth thrusting themselves sideways and upwards, but this image
electrifies me.
It touches on that dream you have as a kid when, once, just
once, your local beach turns into Pipe. And, you, having grown up
surfing it, are the king for one day.
Does this photo affect you in a similar way?
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Jordy Smith: “Tour’s #1 safety
surfer!”
By Longtom
Writer analyses every single scoring wave of Jordy
Smith at J-Bay. The results will shock!
This was supposed to happen the next day but I
ran into an old friend in the carpark and a few shots of spiced
rums later there we went again, no sober analysis.
Then, the local point was falling out of the sky over the
weekend and the sober analysis got kicked to the kerb.
But this one is real.
Straight up, there were five or six surfers in the draw who,
theoretically, could have done what Filipe did. And I include
Italo, Gabby, and reluctantly Kolohe in that list, but only one
other likely to do it in a heat, that being John John Florence.
But while John could have done it but didn’t, Filipe did. Not
once, but twice.
John didn’t because he has been trained, both by his own hand
and by his coach, to restrict the performance envelope. This is
what pro surfing does. It penalises mistakes so heavily because of
the format that a certain amount of conservatism is mandatory. John
has learnt to surf at a lesser level than his peak best, as has
every other member of the top ten. The only exception to this rule
being Kelly Slater, who has learnt to surf better in competition
than he does in free surfs.
Or had.
Any quasi-competent recreational surfer could ride J-Bay as
beautiful as it gets and stitch together a pair of threes on
best-ever rides. Any competent pointbreak surfer can ride the tube
at Supers. The pro’s are expected to exploit that canvas to reach
hitherto unseen levels of performance.
That is what makes Filipe’s wave, his overall performance,
despite some stylistic flaws, the best in pro surfing history. The
fact that he was so easily able and willing to overcome the
inherent conservatism of a man-on-man heat and the pro surfing
format in general.
Mick Fanning said the wave (J-Bay) is the star and we are just
here to do nothing and make the wave look good.
Au contraire Michael.
Any quasi-competent recreational surfer could ride J-Bay as
beautiful as it gets and stitch together a pair of threes on
best-ever rides. Any competent pointbreak surfer can ride the tube
at Supers. The pro’s are expected to exploit that canvas to reach
hitherto unseen levels of performance.
And, by and large, they didn’t.
When you consider Andy Irons opened the final at Barra in Mexico
in 2006, more than 10 years ago, with a lofty straight air as an
opening move. A section connector. And you consider what Filipe
did, you realise how much music has been left unplayed.
Jordy Smith is the worst safety surfer on tour. Did you notice
after the Grit bought numerical analysis to the game that
the WSL cribbed it? I did. This time an analysis of Jordy
turn-by-turn was done. I went through every single one of his
scoring waves and gave every turn a number from 1-10. Ten was the
highest-risk turn, the most radical and zero was, well, falling off
or doing nothing.
Jordy’s camp can rail against this and shoot the messenger or
they can do the analysis themselves and face the reality. Absent an
angry, belligerent Jordy, what we get is safe, low energy
surfing.
As a reference point, Jordy’s standard top-turn wrap, a turn he
can do with zero risk 99.99% of the time, was assigned a five. This
was painstaking, tedious work. Out of 85 counted turns, 17 scored
in the excellent range (eight and above) and eight of those came in
a single heat (round five resurf against Conner Coffin, Jordy’s
best heat by a mile).
Jordy’s average turn score came in at a very safe 6.22. That is,
safe surfing.
Jordy’s camp can rail against this and shoot the messenger or
they can do the analysis themselves and face the reality. Absent an
angry, belligerent Jordy, what we get is safe, low energy
surfing.
Sad, yes. Inevitable, no.
Nothing lights up the proud surfwriter more than going sloppy
fourths on a subject. On the tens there is only one conclusion we
can reach and it is well supported by the science of
psychology.
A mass abrogation of executive function bought on by a sustained
period of emotional over-excitement and subsequent discharge.
Translated: Judges lost their marbles after viewing too
many perfect waves. You can Google all this Richie Porta. Type
executive function, human decision making, effects of emotion,
cognitive bias, flaws in decision making etc.
It’s all there. No blame, no judgement. What’s astounding is not
when judges freak out but how often they get it right. We can wait
until the next iteration of pro surfing before judging changes.
We can wait.
Until then, see you at Teahupoo.
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Shark race: “TVs most hyped flop!”
By Chas Smith
Who has better shark ratings... 24x gold medalist
Michael Phelps or Mick Fanning?
A few nights ago, or maybe it was last night,
the world’s greatest swimmer, Michael Phelps was supposed to race a
great white shark to see which was faster. The program had been
pumped for months. Phelps vs. Shark etc. Many people wondered how
this would happen. Would Phelps swim in a cage maybe? Would there
be some sort of fence?
The day finally came and the main event built up for over an
hour until the very end when Michael Phelps ended up racing a
computer generated shark.
Many people became very angry and put their anger on
Twitter.
“Call me crazy but I thought they were gonna put Phelps up
against a real shark not a simulation. I feel robbed.”
“Should’ve called it Michael Phelps vs a Computer Generated
Simulation. Huge letdown.”
“Waited an hour for Michael Phelps to race a CGI shark.
Discovery is receiving a strongly worded letter fur sure.”
“IT WAS A FAKE SHARK. Phelps raced a fake shark….and lost. I
feel cheated.”
“#Spoiler #PhelpsVShark was essentially 58 minutes of
fishing for sharks & 38 seconds of #Phelps in the water LOSING to a
CGI #Shark.”
“Michael Phelps has been hyping up that he’s going to race a
shark for months now. He did it tonight and it was a damn CGI shark
#FakeNews”
“Phelps racing a fake shark is like when ur teacher says
there’s gonna be a sub but shows up the next day”
Etc.
These go on forever and Discovery is very embarrassed but
shouldn’t be. Not everything is the World Surf League and not
everyone is Mick Fanning. Am I right or am I right?
You Can’t Script This™
It Takes a Shark to Make a Tour™
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Science: Grit gives “sense of
purpose!”
By Chas Smith
Sydney Morning Herald waxes eloquent about your
third favorite surf website!
I must admit, as we sit on the precipice of a
brand new week, that sometimes doubt creeps into my heart. Oh we,
Derek and I, try to be anti-depressive each and every day. To put
smiles on faces while informing, sharing, elucidating,
rumor-mongering. We try to be fun but are we? Or are we just
mealy-mouthed and
unpleasant. Do we just rape corpses
and run around with nooses.
I couldn’t believe my eyes as I read paragraph after paragraph
of the qualities this little surf website brings to the entire
world! Shall we read a few paragraphs together?
Grit describes the ability to persevere with long-term
goals, sustaining interest and energy over months or years. For
Joe, this meant struggling through arduous physiotherapy exercises
and remaining engaged and hopeful throughout his recovery.
Research suggests that gritty people are more likely to
succeed in a range of challenging situations. Grittier high school
students are more likely to graduate. Grittier novice teachers are
more likely to remain in the profession and gritty military cadets
are more likely to make it through intense mental and physical
training. The secret to this success is found in the ability to
keep going when things get tough. Gritty people don’t give up and
they don’t get bored.
Research also suggests that grit can be learned. Certain
conditions can foster grit, allowing grit developed in one domain
to transfer to other, more challenging, situations. Surfing is a
good example of how grit can be gently cultivated, strengthened and
then honed.
The final grit-honing element of surfing is its ability to
provide a sense of purpose. Feeling purposeful – a state
psychologists describe as a belief that life is meaningful and
worthwhile – involves doing things that take us closer to our
important goals. It usually means acting in line with our values
and being part of something bigger than ourselves. This could refer
to religious practice, connecting to nature or simply helping other
people.
Research suggests that as levels of grit increase, so does a
sense of purpose. But this doesn’t mean that gritty people are
saints – just that they have an awareness of how their activities
connect to a cause beyond themselves, as well as their own deeply
held values.
I will carry the responsibility of giving your life purpose with
honor and dignity. Thank you for trusting us.
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5 (More) Surf Media Lies!
By Giancarlo Guardascione
The second in an endless series!
Parents, politicians, coaches and teachers lie
to protect their disciples from the harshness of reality and keep
them interested.
Surf mags/surf industry are our surrogates.
Did you miss part one? Jordy v Dane, alaias, still shots of
perfect waves, Van Life and Indo boards?
(1) Wavepool perfection. The GOAT likens
his wave pool to Wonka Land. He’s right. It is. But indulging in
too many sweets has its effects. The lack of paddling, reduction of
positioning for a peak and absence of whim from the ocean can dull
the senses till you’re left with a puddle of empty candy wrappers
and a waistline north of 40. Every time I see a pro cruise
through one of those barrels I think two things: the first is
jealousy, the second is that part from Willie Wonka where Augustus
Gloop gets shot from the tube (no pun intended) after making love
to the chocolate river. Billabong got this one semi-right: Only a
surfer knows the feeling of being out on a shitty day when the
front suddenly goes off, the sun comes out, the wind shifts and
crumbly peaks become majestic pyramids.
It’s the closest you’ll get to God splitting the Red Sea for
you. Something very unlikely to happen in Lemoore, California.
(Note: the editors disagree vociferously with
Giancarlo’s posit about wavepools. A better analogy than Dahl’s
Chocolate Factory would be the new generation of sex dolls.
Even for
girls!)
(2.) The Hot 100 (forced introduction of 12 year old
surf studs): How many of these projected stars sparkle and
fade? Some go the Justin Bieber route, maintain their fluidity, and
discover their sexuality through pop songs and sleeve tattoos.
Others transition into Lindsay Lohan facsimiles and become
self-aware through faux lesbian encounters and Colombian
imports.
This one is not the surf media’s fault. When sponsors come
knocking with the promise of two-page ads paid upfront it’s harder
to resist than a Golden Ticket. Every time a judging tower is
stormed on behalf of someone’s kid, Little League dads are laughing
as they fill ranks and branch out into differentiated franchises.
Remember the evil shaman from Indiana Jones and The Temple of
Doom who enslaved those kids and kept them sweating in
mines, searching for scared stones?… He called those serfs his Hot
100.
(3.) Nose Guards: Back when surfboards were the
real weapons of mass destruction, they had noses sharper than an
Orange County housewife post-surgery. There’s no doubt these rubber
diamonds saved countless said moms from taking their kids to the
ER. However, couple the nose guard with a pair of webbed gloves and
a beaver tail wetsuit and you prove Charles Darwin’s (surf)
evolution theory with a living, breathing, human, duck-billed
platypus.
(4.) The NY Quick Pro: This was a QUIET lie.
The surf media had to secretly support the Quik Pro. The real
truthsayers of our industry (unhinged by any loyalty to the surf
landscape), the message board and forum commenters, lit up their
screens with justified venom (we all fear what we don’t know). New
York has a way of bitch-slapping you if you fuck with it. This time
it was aided by a curvy princess born in the Caribbean called
hurricane Katia.
The end result? Four consecutive days of unprecedented
four-to-six-foot waves peelers reeling down the sand. Every tourist
leaves The City with some form of I (heart) NY. Be it Times
Square T-shirts, SoHo scandals or Long Beach lettering on enlarged
checks with $300,000 spelled out on the amount line.
(Editor’s note: Watch and laugh at Adriano’s
nine-something in the following highlight reel.)
(5.) Teva Sandals: Sometimes, there is a crime
within a crime. In this case, it’s wearing sandals, which leads to
wearing sandals with multiple clashing colors on the strap in
addition to a ‘support strap’ running across the side of your foot
like a flatline on your EKG sexual barometer.
Redemption? Never underestimate the power and versatility of
sockless Vans, no matter how bad the smell. They are the
…Lost Quiver Killer’s of
#shoe life.