Shark race: “TVs most hyped flop!”

Who has better shark ratings... 24x gold medalist Michael Phelps or Mick Fanning?

A few nights ago, or maybe it was last night, the world’s greatest swimmer, Michael Phelps was supposed to race a great white shark to see which was faster. The program had been pumped for months. Phelps vs. Shark etc. Many people wondered how this would happen. Would Phelps swim in a cage maybe? Would there be some sort of fence?

The day finally came and the main event built up for over an hour until the very end when Michael Phelps ended up racing a computer generated shark.

Many people became very angry and put their anger on Twitter.

“Call me crazy but I thought they were gonna put Phelps up against a real shark not a simulation. I feel robbed.”

“Should’ve called it Michael Phelps vs a Computer Generated Simulation. Huge letdown.”

“Waited an hour for Michael Phelps to race a CGI shark. Discovery is receiving a strongly worded letter fur sure.”

“IT WAS A FAKE SHARK. Phelps raced a fake shark….and lost. I feel cheated.”

“#Spoiler #PhelpsVShark was essentially 58 minutes of fishing for sharks & 38 seconds of #Phelps in the water LOSING to a CGI #Shark.”

“Michael Phelps has been hyping up that he’s going to race a shark for months now. He did it tonight and it was a damn CGI shark #FakeNews”

“Phelps racing a fake shark is like when ur teacher says there’s gonna be a sub but shows up the next day”


These go on forever and Discovery is very embarrassed but shouldn’t be. Not everything is the World Surf League and not everyone is Mick Fanning. Am I right or am I right?

You Can’t Script This™

It Takes a Shark to Make a Tour™

Science: Grit gives “sense of purpose!”

Sydney Morning Herald waxes eloquent about your third favorite surf website!

I must admit, as we sit on the precipice of a brand new week, that sometimes doubt creeps into my heart. Oh we, Derek and I, try to be anti-depressive each and every day. To put smiles on faces while informing, sharing, elucidating, rumor-mongering. We try to be fun but are we? Or are we just mealy-mouthed and unpleasant. Do we just rape corpses and run around with nooses.

And that doubt blossoms into depression.

But today, the august Sydney Morning Herald came to my soul’s rescue! Australia’s best, most important and oldest news source published a whole piece on The Importance of ‘Grit’ and Why Surfing is One of its Best Teachers.

I couldn’t believe my eyes as I read paragraph after paragraph of the qualities this little surf website brings to the entire world! Shall we read a few paragraphs together?

Grit describes the ability to persevere with long-term goals, sustaining interest and energy over months or years. For Joe, this meant struggling through arduous physiotherapy exercises and remaining engaged and hopeful throughout his recovery.

Research suggests that gritty people are more likely to succeed in a range of challenging situations. Grittier high school students are more likely to graduate. Grittier novice teachers are more likely to remain in the profession and gritty military cadets are more likely to make it through intense mental and physical training. The secret to this success is found in the ability to keep going when things get tough. Gritty people don’t give up and they don’t get bored.

Research also suggests that grit can be learned. Certain conditions can foster grit, allowing grit developed in one domain to transfer to other, more challenging, situations. Surfing is a good example of how grit can be gently cultivated, strengthened and then honed.

The final grit-honing element of surfing is its ability to provide a sense of purpose. Feeling purposeful – a state psychologists describe as a belief that life is meaningful and worthwhile – involves doing things that take us closer to our important goals. It usually means acting in line with our values and being part of something bigger than ourselves. This could refer to religious practice, connecting to nature or simply helping other people.

Research suggests that as levels of grit increase, so does a sense of purpose. But this doesn’t mean that gritty people are saints – just that they have an awareness of how their activities connect to a cause beyond themselves, as well as their own deeply held values.

I will carry the responsibility of giving your life purpose with honor and dignity. Thank you for trusting us.

Always the Vans never the Tevas.

5 (More) Surf Media Lies!

The second in an endless series!

Parents, politicians, coaches and teachers lie to protect their disciples from the harshness of reality and keep them interested.

Surf mags/surf industry are our surrogates.

Did you miss part one? Jordy v Dane, alaias, still shots of perfect waves, Van Life and Indo boards?

Click here. 

Today, we present,

(1) Wavepool perfection. The GOAT likens his wave pool to Wonka Land. He’s right. It is. But indulging in too many sweets has its effects. The lack of paddling, reduction of positioning for a peak and absence of whim from the ocean can dull the senses till you’re left with a puddle of empty candy wrappers and a waistline north of 40. Every time I see a pro cruise through one of those barrels I think two things: the first is jealousy, the second is that part from Willie Wonka where Augustus Gloop gets shot from the tube (no pun intended) after making love to the chocolate river. Billabong got this one semi-right: Only a surfer knows the feeling of being out on a shitty day when the front suddenly goes off, the sun comes out, the wind shifts and crumbly peaks become majestic pyramids.

It’s the closest you’ll get to God splitting the Red Sea for you. Something very unlikely to happen in Lemoore, California.

(Note: the editors disagree vociferously with Giancarlo’s posit about wavepools. A better analogy than Dahl’s Chocolate Factory would be the new generation of sex dolls. Even for girls!)

(2.) The Hot 100 (forced introduction of 12 year old surf studs): How many of these projected stars sparkle and fade? Some go the Justin Bieber route, maintain their fluidity, and discover their sexuality through pop songs and sleeve tattoos. Others transition into Lindsay Lohan facsimiles and become self-aware through faux lesbian encounters and Colombian imports.

This one is not the surf media’s fault. When sponsors come knocking with the promise of two-page ads paid upfront it’s harder to resist than a Golden Ticket. Every time a judging tower is stormed on behalf of someone’s kid, Little League dads are laughing as they fill ranks and branch out into differentiated franchises. Remember the evil shaman from Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom who enslaved those kids and kept them sweating in mines, searching for scared stones?… He called those serfs his Hot 100.

(3.) Nose Guards: Back when surfboards were the real weapons of mass destruction, they had noses sharper than an Orange County housewife post-surgery. There’s no doubt these rubber diamonds saved countless said moms from taking their kids to the ER. However, couple the nose guard with a pair of webbed gloves and a beaver tail wetsuit and you prove Charles Darwin’s (surf) evolution theory with a living, breathing, human, duck-billed platypus.

(4.) The NY Quick Pro: This was a QUIET lie. The surf media had to secretly support the Quik Pro. The real truthsayers of our industry (unhinged by any loyalty to the surf landscape), the message board and forum commenters, lit up their screens with justified venom (we all fear what we don’t know). New York has a way of bitch-slapping you if you fuck with it. This time it was aided by a curvy princess born in the Caribbean called hurricane Katia.

The end result? Four consecutive days of unprecedented four-to-six-foot waves peelers reeling down the sand. Every tourist leaves The City with some form of  I (heart) NY. Be it Times Square T-shirts, SoHo scandals or Long Beach lettering on enlarged checks with $300,000 spelled out on the amount  line.

(Editor’s note: Watch and laugh at Adriano’s nine-something in the following highlight reel.)

(5.) Teva Sandals: Sometimes, there is a crime within a crime. In this case, it’s wearing sandals, which leads to wearing sandals with multiple clashing colors on the strap in addition to a ‘support strap’ running across the side of your foot like a flatline on your EKG sexual barometer.

Redemption? Never underestimate the power and versatility of sockless Vans, no matter how bad the smell. They are the …Lost Quiver Killer’s of #shoe life.

Always the Vans, never the Tevas.
Always the Vans, never the Tevas.

Upvote: King of the Komments!

Are you popular or unpopular? Now there's a scientific way to know!

My sauvignon blancs from Negatron’s backyard have transitioned to vodka sodas from Vlad Putin’s backyard and ain’t Sunday’s grand? I know if you’re waking up in Australia right now it is Monday and you are not feeling grand but pour some vodka in your coffee and revel in how popular you maybe are!

Whilst doing some hard hard work, just a few minutes ago, I accidentally waved my cursor over the avatars in our comment section and saw, for the first time, that Disqus registers both comments and votes.

An unimpeachable popularity guide!

So who amongst you has the best comment-to-vote ratio? Let’s look at three recent posts and see!

Mattysez: 531 – 789

That Dead Whale at Trestles: 732 – 1697

Antipodes: 135 – 441

Dickie Toledo: 267 – 743

Audit in Progress: 1611 – 3519

Mariano Landa: 1468 – 2776

Ami Lost: 180 – 242

mullet: 1200 – 2709

bitter guy: 4009 – 7367

Nik Karol: 432 – 949

Dogsnuts: 302 – 703

Neal Kearney: 420 – 458

20 mule team: 95 – 411

german_ surfer_007: 338 – 686

Negatron: 2678 – 10637

DrunkenAngel: 1000 – 2024

Chazz Michael Michaels: 467 – 847

Noa’s last dart: 2194 – 7074

Bleach’d Git: 331 – 1083

Turd Ferguson: 1144 – 1551

Trogan Fan: 7455 – 11324

NUG: 83 -814

SharkAttack575: 75 – 56

J H: 1654 – 1726

Rory Parker: 660 -1700

And now my vodka has run dry… were you left out? Tell me in the comments and I’ll upvote you!

But in summary….

SharkAttack575 is the only one upside-down, and the clear loser, but that may only be a product of his general retardation so we shouldn’t make fun.

And is it any wonder that Negatron is King? That is a serious comment-to-vote ratio and why I was drinking sauvignon blancs from his backyard and not yours.

Jordy smith and South African friends wish this week could have been 10 days long. Don't you too?
Jordy smith and South African friends wish this week could have been 10 days long. Don't you too?

Review: The greatest week in surf!

Let's take a quick look back and appreciate!

I’ve had a moment now to cool down from the frenzy of the last few days. And as I sip a chilled Sauvignon Blanc from Negatron’s backyard I wonder, “Was this past week the greatest ever in BeachGrit‘s history?” If you are not feeling the same way, a recap is certain to refresh your memory. A chilled Sauvignon Blanc from Negatron’s backyard almost guaranteed to make you agree. Let us begin with the recap.

Seven(ish) days ago the world was reintroduced to Cocoa Beach’s own Sean Volland. The one-time professional surfer had called Kelly Slater out for the boards he was riding, saying they were impediments to victory. Kelly responded by calling Sean a “kook and wasted talent.” We proceeded to get acquainted Sean and it was only a preview!

Six days ago Michael Ciaramella writes his penultimate bit for BeachGrit about Kelly Slater breaking his foot at J-Bay. What a total bummer and even more a bummer in light of how absolutely divine the surf at J-Bay turned out to be. Best ever over the course of an entire event? I think, without fear of contradiction, yes.

Five days ago Steve “Longtom” Shearer adds another piece to what, in completion, became the greatest contest coverage ever. This particular segment spoke of all the 10s. There were so many 10s! That J-Bay contest made it hard to sleep, to eat but not hard to drink and Mr. Longtom captured the zeitgeist every single moment.

Four days ago the World Surf League announced a new CEO. Oh how we had kicked at the previous master. Kicked him where his balls would be every single day of the week. Did he ever respond? No. He was a giant chicken but there are bright days ahead for Sophie Goldschmidt and the WSL. I can feel it!

Three days ago Derek Rielly compared every 10 point ride at the just concluded J-Bay Open. It was analysis so good that it begged to be repeated. And it was! As Michael Ciaramella’s first piece for Stab! Nobody ever said the handsome little man didn’t appreciated good taste.

Two days ago Rory Parker swung back into our lives. The first time in well over a year! He explained the reasons he left BeachGrit, which mostly involved me being unpleasant and then Facebook messaged me, after I made his comment into a stand alone spot, to take his name off the byline. I responded by saying it would be wonderful if he invited me on his podcast so we could really air it out. He said, “Why would I do that?” I answered, “To get more listeners…” and he countered, “I’m happy with the listeners I have.” And that gave me a good belly laugh.

Yesterday we got to visit with Sean Volland once again. Remember him from seven(ish) days ago? Of course you do! Sean had been on the comment board throughout the week mostly threatening to rape Derek’s dogs and forcing his girl to watch. He went back this morning and deleted all of his comments but the responses are fun enough for a laugh. It was, anyhow, a wonderful conversation and ended with, “I don’t have voodoo dolls. I don’t stick pin in voodoo dolls. I’m not a black magic guru.”

And I literally can’t remember a better week on BeachGrit in my whole life and I’ve been here from the very beginning.

Can you?