Blood bond: Slater + Johnson!

A friendship that we can learn from!

Did you enjoy BeachGrit‘s drama yesterday or did it turn your stomach? Did you chuckle at every turn, every lurch, or think very poorly about how this ship is steered? I think Col. Sean Volland, one-time Florida pro, thinks very poorly. Remember him? He drove Kelly Slater into an Instagram rage by criticizing his surfboards. And underneath yesterday’s story Rory Parker: Why I quit! he wrote, “Are yall here to rape corpses or provide an alternative to news!! In my short appearance on Beachgrit, I find that yall throw bitches under the bus, let people hang themselves, then run with the noose to pad y’alls ego; The rest be damned!!!”

Not a glowing review by any means. Are Derek and I really corpse rapers? Alternative news barkers? Running around with nooses to pad our egos?

A damning thought. But speaking about Kelly Slater, he seems to be a good and permanent friend. No throwing bitches under a bus or letting people hang themselves. There is a new feature in Rolling Stone documenting a surf trip to the Marshall Islands Kelly and his long time friend and famous musician Jack Johnson recently took. It is a beautiful story about a beautiful relationship and photographed beautifully by the incomparable Todd Glaser. Let’s read a little!

“Kelly and I met when we were teenagers,” Johnson says. “He was a couple years older than me. We all knew about Kelly before we met him because it became pretty evident that he’d become the next world champion. He just had a way about him when he surfed with the things he could do on the waves and the way he carried himself. We just met through friends in common and we just became better and better friends. We started playing guitar at the same time. The guy who taught me to play, one of my dad’s best friends, taught Kelly and I chords right around the same time.”

“I became very close with Jack’s family,” Slater says. “We used to laugh about it because when he was away at college in the mid Nineties, I was staying in his room with his parents. They were upstairs and I was downstairs in Jack’s room for a number of different winters.”

And doesn’t this sort of lasting friendship just soothe your soul? The perfect antidote to corpse raping and noose running?

Thank you Rolling Stone! And thank you Kelly and Jack.

Should Derek and I put our corpses and nooses away and pick up guitars instead?

Justice! Loyalty! Courage! Three elements in very short supply at BeachGrit.

Rory Parker: “Why I quit!”

Derek mealy-mouthed! Chas "unpleasant!"

(The following appeared as a comment on a previous BeachGrit post from Rory Parker)

Sweet jesus, I just want to put this shit behind me (and hopefully cash in if Derek and Chas manage to make this thing work.) But because Derek was kind enough to make sure I was aware of this piece…

I agreed to write a number of articles for BG in exchange for a small piece of the company. After I’d passed that point Derek and Chas were not willing to begin paying me, nor give me more equity. Furthermore, Chas wanted to use BG to promote a bunch ‘grit’ spin-offs and felt that it was terribly unfair when I expected to be included.

In the beginning there were lots of kind words about being ‘partners’ and a ‘team,’ but when push came to shove they made it clear they’d always considered me an independent contractor.

I should’ve quit then, but I let Derek talk me into hanging around with a bunch of vague promises. Because I truly enjoyed writing for BG. It was fun.

Until it wasn’t anymore.

If I’m being totally honest, a few kind words would have been enough to keep me around. But that was too much to ask for.

Chas loves to play up the fact that he’s an unpleasant person. And he truly is. Rather than being a partner in the site I loved I found myself working, for free, for someone I can’t stand.

So I quit.

Shocking: Joe Turpel finally says the word!

Are you ready for your mind to be blown?

Joe Turpel, cool as ice, maybe a mafia hitman hiding in the witness protection program, maybe an undercover CIA operative, has refused to say the word “shark” like he is getting paid off. I have begun to wonder if he as a speech impediment. Can he not make sibilants? Can he not make voiceless velar stops?

Any time a shark swims though the lineup Joe Turpel calls it something else. Either a “hop on the sled to reset” a “little moment in the water” or “another incident in the lineup.”

Never a shark.

Until yesterday. New footage has surfaced of Joltin’ Joe Turpel finally uttering the word shark.

Ladies and gentlemen…..

Joe Turpel saying the word “shark.”

#TourNotes: “My Head Explodes!”

An enchanted reading of the last days of the J-Bay contest!

The American Peter King is like one of those permanent guests at a hotel. A very old man privy to the machinations of everything around him, a recorder of stories. You might only know he’s around by the old-timer cough as he attempts to dislodge the mucous that tends to linger in a man’s harvest years.

As is custom, Peter delivers a three-minute short to his masters at the WSL at the conclusion of each event. Although the quality ain’t what it used to be when it was a Hurley vehicle, less candour more schmaltz, this episode treads the right side of a very narrow margin.

Kelly stars as usual, oh he hates the camera don’t he? The moment all the photographers fall on themselves (3:47) is enchanted, Turpel says his head explodes about something and Filipe…Filipe… he makes the rest of the tour look like they belong to the barbiturate family!


What's that? Lots and lots and lots of views?
What's that? Lots and lots and lots of views?

Breaking: Paul Speaker was right!

More people watched surfing last year than anything else!

Ex-WSL CEO Paul Speaker is gone and I am poorer for it. He, in trademark polo shirt and white pant, was the perfect foil. A man so out of touch with surfing, so ludicrously ignorant, that it would have been impossible to make him up.

Oh I loved to torment him, always writing that if he would agree to an interview the barrage would stop. He never agreed and, instead, went on Fox Business and said ridiculous things like Kelly Slater makes well north of 20 million dollars a year and more people would someday watch surfing than any other sport.

What a tool! What a goddamn nerd! He didn’t know anything about professional surfing and the small core of people who actually care.

Well, today the industry publication Sports Business Daily reported that the World Surf League had the most watched video, globally, over the last year.

California-based analytics and valuation company Hookit looked at the Facebook, Twitter and Instagram posts of 1,255 leagues, teams and federations across the globe from June 16, 2016-June 15, 2017, and ranked them based on a composite score that took into account factors such as views…

That’s how the story begins and then slides behind a paywall but the title is the only thing we really need.

Data Shows World Surf League Had Most-Watched Video Globally Over Last Year.

Data Shows World Surf League Had Most-Watched Video Globally Over Last Year.

Data Shows World Surf League Had Most-Watched Video Globally Over Last Year.

I have to think it was Mick Fanning being touched by a shark but it was still surfing and Paul Speaker was right.

Mr. Ex-WSL CEO? Can I bring two roses to your house alongside my apology?