Michael Ciaramella has left for a new gig at Stab! Cry it out!
Ladies and gentlemen it is my sad duty to inform you that Michael Ciaramella has just left us for SurfStitch property in association with FCS and House Beer Stab magazine. Oh there there. Dry your tears. Come, put your head on my shoulder and let us remember the good times we all had together. The laughs. The fun.
And while we’re at it let’s rate all of BeachGrit‘s ex-writers!
Ali Klinkenberg: At the very dawn of BeachGrit a handsome, tall Australian (I think) came to us and wrote almost a dozen pieces before he too was poached by Stab. (That Stab sure does like to sift through BeachGrit‘s underwear drawer!) In any case, Ali’s best piece might have been Candid: All my friends are racist! which included the line, “I’ve never been to Brazil, but I’ve experienced its fruits. I once dated a Brazilian garota linda (beautiful gal) who looked like Penelope Cruz (no shit), and my good amigo Gui used to be addicted to condensed milk (four cans a day!).”
Fate: Unknown.
Ashton Goggans: Ashton was a treasure and I was actually sad to see him go. Not pretend sad like with Michael. A handsome, well-dressed man who could hold his drink and cuff his pants. He came from San Francisco, I believe, and brightened our sky with many pieces (here) and was the actual one to write about Mick Fanning getting loved up by a curious White in J-Bay those two years ago.
Fate: Became an editor at Surfer and might still be there.
Rory Parker: The man from Kauai stole your heart with tales of freediving, killing chickens and the legalities behind airbnb rentals on the islands. His high water mark may have been a trip to Nicaragua with his wife in order to have a threesome. The hilarious details spilled forth, including versions from wife and mark!
Fate: Stuck in an endless cycle interviewing Cori Schumacher. Like Groundhog Day!
Michael Kocher: Michael grabbed your attention and money. The poor ex-Marine out of Colorado developed brain cancer and needed you to GoFund his healing. You responded, out of the goodness of your heart, and he bought drugs and prostitutes because, just kidding, he didn’t have brain cancer! The ruse infuriated many but the Man from Manassa wielded a wicked pen. He also established the bar for how all BeachGrit ex-writers should go out.
Fate: Killed by police after taking people hostage.
Michael Ciaramella: And the latest. Michael came to us via Surfing and boy could he surf! Airs etc. His best work was when he got very specifically technical about surfing but I don’t think he really liked this sort of thing. He also took Christian Fletcher head on in a wonderful series that might even better Rory’s threesome. Michael was handsome too and he could handle your slings and arrows well, which is a rare trait.
Fate: Moving to Stab where he and Morgan Williamson will recite poetry to each other under the pale moonlight.
So which was your favorite? Let them know in the comment section (or say a prayer if ol’ Kocher was your #1)!
Beachgrit: Surfing’s Favourite Broken Home.
I’ve been holding on to this. Shooting pool a couple months back, in a land of mostly right points. I happened to over hear my opponent saying he was writing a piece on this swell for Surfline, when queried by a non participant. Standing a full pool table length away with more selective hearing than most it took me a moment to process this revelation. With a southern drawl “¿Cómo se llama?” and the reply I received was one I may have had prophesy a year or two earlier to be (Rory Parker) but instead I hear Michael Ciaramella. I let it sit, adjusted my cue pointing to the next solid balls destination. In response my named opponent engages “¿Cómo te llamas?” I answer his best broken New Jersey Spanish with another question. But if my wit was as strong and honed as some of you I would have changed course maybe even intensified the moment. So it went “¿De verdad quieres saber mi nombre?” The closest spectator who happens to be Kid Pirate’s old man, “¿Decirle su nombre?”. At that very moment I wish I could say i felt like a wolf seeing through Bambi. Maybe a little or a lot depending whom I’m telling this story to. My only reply “Abscessed Llama..” In case you all are wondering, the gang signs represent he smoked me “3 to nil.” Warmest regards Michael..
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
This is treason.
What? Mike C is a dad?
I dunno, 50,000 Americans last year seem to have matched him.
Pretty high bar that he set, isn’t it?
A gig is only a good gig if it is a paying gig. Not paying writers is an Inertia move.
The inertia has paid me, promptly, for every single thing I’ve written for them.
Some of my favorite gigs have been freebies
Really? Huh. I stand corrected.
Neal Korny was my favorite hands down
Australia’s greatest prime minister says hello to you! https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Is that Blanche in the background? Send my regards.
Sweet jesus, I just want to put this shit behind me (and hopefully cash in if Derek and Chas manage to make this thing work.) But because Derek was kind enough to make sure I was aware of this piece…
I agreed to write a number of articles for BG in exchange for a small piece of the company. After I’d passed that point Derek and Chas were not willing to begin paying me, nor give me more equity. Furthermore, Chas wanted to use BG to promote a bunch ‘grit’ spin-offs and felt that it was terribly unfair when I expected to be included.
In the beginning there were lots of kind words about being ‘partners’ and a ‘team,’ but when push came to shove they made it clear they’d always considered me an independent contractor.
I should’ve quit then, but I let Derek talk me into hanging around with a bunch of vague promises. Because I truly enjoyed writing for BG. It was fun.
Until it wasn’t anymore.
If I’m being totally honest, a few kind words would have been enough to keep me around. But that was too much to ask for.
Chas loves to play up the fact that he’s an unpleasant person. And he truly is. Rather than being a partner in the site I loved I found myself working, for free, for someone I can’t stand.
So I quit.
Not a single word here surprises.
Love it, believe it 100%, always thought this was the case. You cannot not pay and shit on someone who is arguably your most valuable asset.
I do think though that you all missed out on an opportunity to come to terms where you all can cash in on that Rory-Chaz dynamic, protract the hate fest for a year or so, get all the attention and then go separate ways when both sides built a brand.
As it is now, BG is shit, and you don’t have a good platform to promote your podcasts or other efforts.
All Rory has to do is invite me on his podcast!
That’s what I am talking about. Paywall that shit.
mmmm, maybe just Patreon
that would be so fun
The bride stripped bare by her bachelors.
You had a great “career” at BG MC.
I think your departure is based around 2 situations
1. Voluntary work can only be tolerated for so long.
2. A realisation that BG is in fact an evolving community headed by 2 sinister sexually orientated journalists and that surfing is an ideal cover for their preferences.
I think it’s time for Sarge to be brought on as a replacement.
oh sharky, easily your best work! I can now leave on a high note.
https://youtu.be/GrqJFHGVS10
Yes. How about “batS”? Or is that too obvious?
Do they have a high chair at Stabmag?
That pre-supposes MC is getting an office.
Drunken Angel is my favourite ex-BeachGrit writer.
I vote Dogsnuts for the piano piece at Sanur.
Second your vote! Wonderful story..
Did he get a blowjob off a benchong in the back alley to finish? I can’t remember.
Yeah my memory is quite selective on that also. Hmmm, might be time to submit another traveller? The street cred was very nourishing.
That was my fav too!
Only a puppy knows the feeling …
XXX negatron.
In truth – I used to dig stab, it was a cool surf outlet with a comment platform (that unfortunately got very hateful and out of hand) but was still the go-to place to catch up about the superfluous pro surfing world. I started reading beachgrit two years ago. I started to “get” beachgrit about a year ago. This is the place to go for the real news, and this is the place I’d surely wanna put my thoughts into writing. Stab has lately been walking an Inertia line, and they don’t sing the same tunes.
What I’m trying to say is – I don’t listen to the radio. I like punk rock, death metal, and 1972 Rolling Stones. The radio is for sell outs. Keep it up Chas.
michael who?
Thanks to C&D for the opportunities and fun. Thanks to the commenters for both kind words and harsh. Collectively you’ve helped me grow from a D-minus to a solid-C surf writer, a more nuanced thinker, and a man of slightly less penetrable hide. You’ll be missed dearly — but don’t forget I’m just around the corner!
And Rory is the best ex-BG writer.
Break a leg Mike, oooops, whats the brief at Stab: do you have a specific role?
oh you’ll see!
Damn! Channeling Chas with that response!
Good luck, kid. First things first, get the broken wing right!
You’ve only hurt your knee, Mike! No need to go and throw it all away! Oh God the humanity!
No goodbye piece?
I’ve enjoyed seeing your writing loosen up, before you came here I honesty thought you were a middle aged surf scribe… loved the Christian Fletcher set-up and that time you first stood up to Chas after he threw you under Slaters bus… oh the memories! Best of luck buddy!
Hey Neg, throw MC a parting gift and Feature his post!
I owe you a poster and a drink! And thank you, sincerely. You played marvelously.
Wait… MC was a surf journalist?
you’re gonna be very welcome at stab board, mike… we commenters there are way wittier, funnier, easygoing than the uptight, “methinks” people here at bg…
Blood Feud: BeachGrit Commenters vs. Stab Commenters
Best of luck MC. It was fun while it lasted. If your first article on the STABertia isn’t titled, “What it’s like to write for peanuts alongside a sociopath,” I’ll be deeply disappointed.
Stabstitch following the time honored strategy of spending their way out of trouble!🚀🔬!
Working at Stab in 2017 must be like fighting for the South after General Lee surrendered. Be careful that they don’t pay Confederate dollars. Or worse. Surfstich stock. I’ll miss you Mike.
Stab is more like the Alamo , surrounded by failing business’s , and trying to stay relevant and mick , well on ya bike , agree his best was with CF , but he sounded like Chads mini-me!!
You forgot Micheal Ciaramella! It seems like yesterday that he was writing for BG. I wonder what became of him.
What time are the Doc’s wheeling you out for a little sunshine?
Have you no chill Super?
Hey, my hour is from 2-3, thought I might recognise you!
Well wheel over and say Hi!