An immodest proposal to make Hawaii great again!
There is a great scourge being inflicted on our dear Hawaiian Islands that doesn’t get the coverage it deserves. A pestilence. And it is important to speak this evil’s name in order to fight it and someday maybe even free that glorious chain from the tip of Diamond Head all the way to the shores of Wainha.
I am speaking, of course, of the chubby white mainland transplant.
There he stands in line at Costco, buying a few steaks maybe thinking about buying a big fishing pole or some XXL surf trunks. There he sits in his older pickup truck at the stop light, adding to the general traffic congestion while also cursing it. There he paddles into the lineup on a high performance longboard grumbling at the blow-ins. There he goes home to a rented apartment.
The chubby white mainland transplant never buys property so never pays property tax. He doesn’t start a business so he never employs anybody. He spends little while consuming much and is very proud of this feat. Aggressively proud. He has achieved his life’s two goal already (1) wearing shorts while eating Costco steak. 2) Swimming on a full stomach after dark year ‘round.) so his existence is not only meaningless but generally harmful.
I am not racist by nature but if I was a running for political office in Hawaii my platform would be that all white people must weigh under a certain weight and make over a certain amount in order to stay. Like, weigh under 190 and make over $130,000.
Those who did not comply by year’s end would be shipped to Guam.
Just think how much better Hawaii would be then. No more smug do nothings. No more high performance longboards.
Do you think I should move to Hawaii and run for political office?
What about the rich chubby white-chicks that have been an invasive species in Hawaii for years? They might not clog up the line-ups but cause a rise in food prices from over-grazing..
Is this white man worse than the one who sucks up to all the “heavies” and writes a book about it?
Costco steaks>Foodland steaks. Fact.
That’s nothing really my area NSW 42% obese and 33% are overweight!!!!!!
Fucking bullshit really that’s 75% of population overweight.
Potentially lowers surf numbers no???
Sadly, my entirely invented statistics show that this only leads to surfboard volumes increasing 112% (95%CI: 83 – 150%), with no measurable decrease in surfer numbers.
Elitist. Hawaii’s economy is fine without my contribution.
Oh hell. Well…. there is no excuse for the high performance longboard so I guess Rory should pack his bag…
Is this really the caliber of writing accepted here at beachgrit? Ship to Guam? Whoever wrote this should be ashamed and find a new career because this writing sucks donkey Dick. -1 for beachgrit
Only Rory Parker would replace “Chas” with “Whoever”. How you been you fat fucking sloth? Let’s bring up a gem of mine from your days of ole’ when your wife was writing your articles. Rory’s wife married him because Rory reminds her of ” a nice big gay woman with decades of experience.”
Yes! And guess who’s so not ashamed? Me!
I love that you two have your little cat fights on the comment boards like a couple of 12 year old girls. Always so passive aggressive.
Chas is tuning in to Rory’s podcast and Rory is still checking beachgrit. I call this one a draw. Actually no, you both lose.
Where’s Neg at to layout this troll’s sad existence and let us all know his history. All in the name of investigative journalism.
You created your account for this comment. Hey Chas, the runway on French Frigate Shoals would make a great layover on the way to Guam.
you don’t know nothing about writing.
Does he?
Wardo’s PO reporting from Kauai’s south shore right now. Not a lot of fat white dudes in sight, however – the place is teeming with angry, aggressive white kooks. Too many kooks!
The Hawaii Political Office job board shows a position that just recently opened up.
Governor Guano King – French Frigate Shoals
Duties: Uphold the Guano Islands Act of 1856. Mine bird and bat shit. Keep airport runway clear of bird and bat shit. Prevent chubby white mainland transplants from stealing Hawaii’s French Frigate Shoals bird and bat shit and putting it on their Costco steaks.
Salary: all the guano your little heart desires.
That high performance long board has now become a big fucking wave hog SUP. I vote they leave.
Bye Uncle Stan, you broke fat ass.
According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics averages these svelte whiteys could probably have one of 14 careers with the only non-medicine based being Post Secondary Education Administrator, CEO or Judge/Magistrate.
https://www.bls.gov/oes/cur…
Those two are well under the weight limit and contributed/contribute to Hawaii’s economy!
I agree Chas, Hawaii needs you!! Your Defend Hawaii T- Shirt is a statement of character for certain. A Defend Surfing T Shirt woulkd surely compliment it.
Oh I love this new SharkAttack… and yes! You’re right!
Patronizing never read so sweet!
I highly doubt that Fast Eddie was filing a W-2 on his…uh…income.
YIKE Rory shade…
Rory doesn’t ride no stinking high performance longboard!
Yes he does! He wrote an inertia about it!
…which part of the article, on the inertia, about “high performance longboarding”, written by a pasty chubby white guy living in Hawaii baited you in?