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Beach Grit

Plague: The chubby white man in Hawaii!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

An immodest proposal to make Hawaii great again!

There is a great scourge being inflicted on our dear Hawaiian Islands that doesn’t get the coverage it deserves. A pestilence. And it is important to speak this evil’s name in order to fight it and someday maybe even free that glorious chain from the tip of Diamond Head all the way to the shores of Wainha.

I am speaking, of course, of the chubby white mainland transplant.

There he stands in line at Costco, buying a few steaks maybe thinking about buying a big fishing pole or some XXL surf trunks. There he sits in his older pickup truck at the stop light, adding to the general traffic congestion while also cursing it. There he paddles into the lineup on a high performance longboard grumbling at the blow-ins. There he goes home to a rented apartment.

The chubby white mainland transplant never buys property so never pays property tax. He doesn’t start a business so he never employs anybody. He spends little while consuming much and is very proud of this feat. Aggressively proud. He has achieved his life’s two goal already (1) wearing shorts while eating Costco steak. 2) Swimming on a full stomach after dark year ‘round.) so his existence is not only meaningless but generally harmful.

I am not racist by nature but if I was a running for political office in Hawaii my platform would be that all white people must weigh under a certain weight and make over a certain amount in order to stay. Like, weigh under 190 and make over $130,000.

Those who did not comply by year’s end would be shipped to Guam.

Just think how much better Hawaii would be then. No more smug do nothings. No more high performance longboards.

Do you think I should move to Hawaii and run for political office?