Six am to 11 pm every day! Fifty jobs!
Bored with normal vacations? Tired of the same old same old? Sick of going along with the crowd? Well has Kelly Slater ever got an idea for you! His Lemoore, California Surf Ranch is set to open to the public and, trust me, it won’t disappoint. I know because my ex-wife lived near Lemoore, a hot, middle-of-California cow town some 120 miles from the beach.
But don’t take my word for it. Let’s read the local paper!
With some major upgrades and tweeks to the wave generation options, Slater and his investors now plan to expand the operation year-round and open 6 a.m. to 11 p.m. according to a new conditional use permit application filed with the county this summer.
The application says the ranch will be staffed with 50 employees, who will continue to do development of prototype wave generation systems.
It also says the facility will have a recreational use as well, offering competitive surfing events with outdoor music and camping for visitors. They are asking for a permit to hold large events – attracting as many as 8,000 visitors, six times a year.
Called Surf Ranch, the application says:
“Operations under this SRCUP will permit up to six events per calendar year, including recreational and competitive surfing events, and ancillary music performances during a two-to-four day period (i.e. Thursday through Sunday evening). Event operation time will be from 6 a.m. to 11 p.m. Attendance is estimated to be up to 8,000 guests per day, over a two-to-four day period. Temporary bleachers, sound equipment, and lighting equipment may be setup for events and live music performances. Parking will be provided on site during the events. Contracted services will include traffic control, security, temporary lighting, potable water, portable toilets, wash stations, and trash services for each event. “
The project would also use the abandoned golf course to the east of the ranch located north of Jackson Avenue and west of 18th Avenue.
8000 guests per day over a two-to-four day period? It sounds like Kelly Slater is going to create a new Coachella/Splendor in the Grass/Guantanamo Bay Super All-Star Jam!
Of course I basically reported this one month ago but then it was just whispers on a warm wind. Now it is fact!
Will you go to his music festival? Who do you think will headline?
Also, it probably won’t be called “Kelly Slater Music Fest” but what do you think it should be called?
Olympic venue for the 2028 summer games?
From where do predict the majority of the 8k will pilgrimage?
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Sorry Pearl Jam/Eddie and Jack… But KS would be a fool to not have his first surf music festival include:
Pennywise
Bad Religion
Unwritten Law
Offspring
Sprung Monkey and Sublime
The Momentum Music Festival.
And let KS, Machado, Dorian, Ross, Taylor surf nonstop. I might be willing to uber it to Lemoore for that. But I’m pretty sure that after watching every surfer just tuberide every wave for 25seconds it could get kinda stale.
anyone know where i can invest in this wave company? i have £2 that someone tossed at me while i was sleeping burning a hole in my pocket. i dream of riches.
Sounds like a perfect place for retirement village for old pros – The Outerknown.
I hope that the only surfer in the four day contest is Kelly Slater and the only musician playing is Eddie Vedder for four days straight. Here’s the kicker… Slater gets to do a guest set on the Uke and Eddie gets an expression session! Can you imagine!?!?! I hope Taylor Steele makes a documentary inspired by the surf industry endorsed rootsy ‘just a couple of simple guys at the beach’ good vibes of Thicker Than Water. I hope it’s like the Hawaii beach scene where Shane Dorian talks about putting his trunks and board in the bed of his truck and getting a plate lunch on the big island mixed with the rustic western cowboys scenes of the Malloys on The Ranch. I am SO excited.
Reckon Slater’s investors bank on some of that 5.3 Billion 2028 Olympic funding to elevate the wave swamp to a temporarily financially solvent contest venue with the G-Mo All-star Jam just functioning as a dry run?
Smart way to get his cash back. if he had leant the capital as a K! investment to buy the property he may slide out of this project ahead. If I’m right he can rent property out to Surf Ranch INC. and charge inflated rents. Income from rent will be taxed differently than personal income.
right, as long as everybody that owns Surf Ranch also owns K Alphabet or that inflated rent situation wouldn’t be my cup of tea for very long
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Kelly is always on the hunt to find new ways to lose money. What a unique chap!
What a great opportunity for BeachGrit! Time to put those Beirut, Yemen and Somalia investigative journalist skills to work Chas. Deep inside enemy territory, not only enemy numero uno Kelly but the ex as well. Just think if she had to hear about you being in Lemoore and having a better, more funner time than she had ever shown you in that armpit of a godforsaken place. Find out the names of the adjacent property owners to Surf Ranch. This whole idea may take some convincing the owner with tales of sun and surf soaked riches with the faint odor of cow shit. Paradise in cow shit Hell!
Build a tower tall enough for line of sight to Surf Ranch. Hire a photographer with a big ass camera lens. Draw up license agreements. Make your use exclusive subject to right to license. Covert at first. But reach out to TMZ on the DL for cash…..let it fucking rain cash cash. Everyone gets rich. Just don’t buy into money smells like cow shit. Yes it will. But money is still money and it should be no other way for BeachGrit.
Music: Fuck That!!!! Get a stage and big speakers and set that shit up on the adjacent property. One microphone center stage front. When Jack takes a break and it gets quiet for a moment, let Sean Volland out of his cage for a half hour rant PA’d towards Surf Ranch. We already know he’s got good Kelly Slater material.
Hahaha!
The grand scheme is a reunion of The Surfers.
My cousin did some work out there recently. The wave machine now goes both ways and they installed some new contraption on the side to eliminate chop.
There’s an abandoned golf course next door? This is what Slater drew in the back of his maths book as a kid, magic happens! Dreams can come true!!
Hydrophilic Melophobia.
They do. Also, the Chris Ward Beer Tent has both free beer and gluten free beer. Sorry I didn’t make that more clear.
The Lemoore ‘Less is More’ ‘Sustainable Hydro-Sonic Kelly Slater Immersion Time-Tube-Travelling’ Experience with a free Instagram comment with every ticket.
*Instagram comment may be passive-aggressive.
There’s no way Ol Jack is getting left off this shit.
Boris and Doobies waiting for your turn.
Refreshments provided by Purps.
By FAR the least offensive part of Slaterfest!
Is this the line up for the toilets or the Purps tent? https://www.google.com.au/i…
Guantanamo Bay Super All-star Jam! I’m in!
Friday
Eddie Vedder playing a conch shell
The Chris Ward Gluten free beer tent
A Rob Machado cosplay contest
Shinehead (featuring Makua Rothman)
Tom Curren mumbles Sade
Three Doors Down
That’s Friday, what the fuck happens on Saturday?
Saturday Highlights:
Sublime with Occy
Donovan Frankenrieter plays a banjo using strings fashioned from his moustache.
A 45-minute set of Jack Johnson farting into a microphone causing every female within a 5 mile radius to get pregnant.
Hoodoo Gurus
A Steely Dan cover band
One black guy who didn’t want to go, but his girlfriend made him.
DJ Paul Fisher
How about the Rolling Stones with Jagger replaced by Rabbit?
fuck you are old, mannnnnnn
I think they’re gonna try and squeeze in Timmy Curran and Makua Rothman in there too
You forgot Switchfoot Bro, Am I right? (See what I did there?)
Conchshella