Surfwear giant gets nailed!
Yesterday, I was sent the story F*ck You Billabong. No Seriously F*ck You. multiple times. It appeared on a web aggregator called Medium and written by Karen Knowlton, who was enraged by the surfwear manufacturer’s overt sexism on its website’s landing page.
Ms. Knowlton wrote:
Forgive me my outrage, but this sh*t really burns me up. How is this the best you can do? How is this the first impression you choose to deliver to visitors of your site? Are you even aware of what you are doing?
I sincerely hope not, so let me break it down for you:
Man as subject, shredding waves. Woman as object, back arched and head dropped back for ultimate titillating effect on the viewer. This doesn’t even pretend to be an image of a woman having fun on the beach, actually enjoying her beautiful body in the perfect swimsuit. It’s just straight objectification.
You are ostensibly an athletic apparel company, yes? And you presumably have a fleet of badass female surfers you could photograph and display actually surfing? Or even just frolicking on the beach in their perfect bodies and pretending to have fun? You know, images of women as actual people who have experiences in their bodies, rather than the female body as simply an object to be viewed and consumed by others.
You could even pick out just the right action shots to make sure you don’t lose the sex appeal. You know, wet hair sexy and tousled, models looking extra focused and a bit pouty, perfect bums on display as they wait for a wave. But at least get one of these girls on an actual surfboard, would you please?
Of course she is right in every way.
And Billabong appears to have gotten the message, though the company didn’t respond by releasing a statement or apologizing. That would not be the Billabong Way™. Adjusting but pretending like nothing happened is the Billabong Way™ and today its website’s landing page looks like this.
Which, in turn, enraged me.
Now we have a beautiful surfer girl being pouty and cruisey but I can also see her entire bikini. The damned man? Like, I can’t even see any boardshort at all because his giant throw away air is in the way. Would it have been so hard to objectify him for once?
Would it?
I give you the the following images as an example of what I’m talking about Billabong.
Obviously don’t apologize when you swap something similar in tomorrow on the man’s side. Life is Better When You Bury Your Head in the Sand™.
Don’t listen to her Ellie-Jean, you’re good.
Hahha reading that story could seriously trigger those girls
“I can’t even see any boardshort at all.” Seriously, why would you? Same old shit since 1985.
Really though, it’s better that we don’t have to see the horror of another pair of Billabong boardshorts.
I hope the Metallica collab isn’t included in this comment
Of course, those excluded.
Why they always leave Integrity out of the collab game?
Integrity is holding out, still, for a Champion basketball shorts and jersey collabo.
Yo Audit, is your email legit to send you a message?
Yeah, I think so. Send away!
“And you presumably have a fleet of badass female surfers you could photograph and display actually surfing?”
yeah, cause Courtney Conlogue really shifts this kind of product for ya?
Actually when women see other women actually doing the sport/lifestyle it shifts more product. Ffs why do you think Nike women apparel does so well?
the only places I see less women than I see in the lineup is at the golf course and the lake. now yoga in the park, on the other hand…
Agree. I meant in advertising. Although, depends on lineup.
Drunken Angel, you’re going into battle with the most un evolved monkeys in todays planet. Who still think talking about masturbating to a swimsuit model on a live forum is ‘okay?!’ IT NOT FKN OKAY. YOU’RE THE FUCKEN REASON WHY KAREN WROTE THE ARTICLE. DO YOU NOT SEE HOW YOU FK WITS ARE CONDITIONED TO OBJECTIFY GIRLS SIMPLY AS THINGS YOU GET OFF TOO? And the beauty of your deprived minds doesn’t even realize it. Ignorance is bliss as they say. The change for marketing in todays world to young girls is needed. To send a different message out that we are not here for your ownership and judgements of our bodies. ITS NOT FKN COOL THAT A YOUNG GIRL TUGS AT HER SHIRT WHILE OLD BEER BELLY DAD PERVES ON HER WITH A UNCOMFORTABLE STARE SO THAT SHE FEELS subconscious. IT DISGUSTING THAT YOU THINK ITS OKAY FOR A YOUNG GIRL TO BE CONDITIONED TO THINK THAT HER BODY IS FOR THAT REASON YOUR EYES, AND ITS OKAY TO BE OBJECTIFIED. THAT SHIT HAS TO CHANGE. WE ARE NOT HERE FOR YOUR PERVERTED PLEASURE. Nothing wrong with appreciating beauty. But you boys, DEFINITELY NOT MEN, never learned that. Cause that is clearly why you can write such disgusting bullshit on a post like this.
I love you again Chas
ps. hire her!
Aloha Akhbar! Fatima Mal-Bikini here,
I’ve recently been made head of Billabong bikini marketing following Karen’s just, righteous, and feminist outrage. My considerable experience in women’s fashion includes designing the beard, makeup combo for Isis fighters escaping Mosul. You may also be familiar with the full burka? Sweet Siracha Allah, you could actually see eyes sometimes, so I did away with that, and invented the fashionable mesh covering.
I’m going to bring that kind of forward thinking to Billabong bikini marketing. I know men. Men sure as hell don’t want to see sexy women on this earth (they have to wait for their 40 virgins for that), and women don’t want to attract them. The only reason Billabong sells bikinis is because sexiness is a social construct that has been forced onto men and women against their will and nature.
Following that principle, I’m going to encourage our new WSL CEO to do the full feminist and move from the boy shorts bottoms on female competitors, and go full burkini. Not
only will it improve their performance on a wave, we won’t be subjected to their anti-feminist, anti-Allah derrières socially constructing our way to hell.
However, in solidarity with those generously proportioned women, whom Allah saw fit to give a remarkable ability to binge, but not to purge, I’d like to introduce our new bikini empowerment models: Amy Schumer, Lena Dunam, Ashley Graham, and Angela Merkel. We’ll shove these but-flossed-fatties down your throats like Kelly Slater dropping
into a Chopes tunnel.
At the end of the day, Billabong is all about profitability, not spineless capitulation to a hairy feminist, and these new policies are sure to rain cash.
Please don’t take this as an insult Brzezinski, but do you talk as much as you type?
Alas, flat days and social justice are a fatal combination for my verbal continence.
For the time poor, Sparks notes are posted below:
Overview: The comment entitled “Aloha Akbar!” is satirization of the near universal corporate tendency to capitulate to SJWs even though that capitulation undermines the sole purpose of their existence, to make money.
Characters: Fatima Mal-Bikini: A radicalized SJW who, in her younger days was bullied ceaselessly by hotties for being obese. Upon entering university she discovered that she could used cultural Marxism to bully the bullies in turn. Then she discovered Islam, and found that with a burka she was on even playing ground with the hotties. She now wants to inflict Islam on all women so that everyone can be equal.
Lena Dunham: Fattie, currently protesting outside Playboy mansion, demanding she be included as a centerfold, pictured on a toilet and eating cake.
Amy Schumer: A largish woman whose career is solely based on the notion that if Netflix shows it under the category “comedy” it must be funny. Currently being made to eat more food, lest her body be determined a 5 by some drunk guy.
Ashley Graham: Was told “fat is beautiful”, unfortunately believes it.
Merkel: Ostensibly supports the EU. In reality she is hoping to bankrupt the EU so that once again the German flag can wave in all member countries.
Verbal continence?!? More like verbal diarrhea!
Mr. Whale, long time listener, first time reply commentator. It is an honor.
Perhaps I should have been clearer. The suggestion was that the lack of surf combined with an SJW in a state of apoplexy, was fatal to verbal continence, hence the logorrheatic comment.
If I’d gone for a surf today, I’d make more of an effort to stick with a one liner, ok maybe two.
Its almost like they coined the terms “logorrhea” and “diarrhea” on the same day.
Really, the -orrhea suffix, meaning “to flow” is at the same time one of the best and worst in the English language.
Logorrhea: good, means you’ve got a lot to say.
Gonorrhea: bad for your Tinder profile.
Diarrhea: Bad for your pants, but good for your pocketbook if you can prove you got it from Chipotle.
Amenorrhea: Unqestionably good, means the menses has stopped and Laird approves a girl for a surf.
Thank you for you very clear – if slightly indirect – answer to my question. I was curious.
Incidentally, further to your comments below I would argue that for the young wave and lady slayer amenorrhea is anything but unquestionably good.
ah yeah do I need to point out the gaping flaw in this mansplaining. ie Billabong’s current share price and profitability.
Well, I am flattered that you responded to my cynical comment.
But are you saying that the reason that Billabong isn’t making money with bikinis isn’t because of market saturation, or because surfing is no longer “cool”, but because their bikinis don’t conform to feminist standards? This must be the reason why Billabong is starting a new Germaine Greer Granny pants line. That’ll move some product.
On a side note, may I be the first to congratulate you on the use of the term “mansplaining”, tongue distinctly out of cheek? There’s nothing more satisfying than a surf legend who charged the heaviest waves having the courage to use SJW terminology.
???
don’t you mean SJP? sarah jessica parker.
Shoot! What a mistake! Thank you for the correction.
We owe a lot to that transsexual. It was Parker’s remarkable courage to transition from a male to female that gave Caitlyn the courage to cut off the bits that made her Bruce. Of course cosmetic surgery was not all that good back then, so there was quite a bit of CGI on Sex and the City to hide the bulge.
I’m saying your reasoning above is flawed. You’re trying to mansplain the advertising as success, but the fact is that Billabong isn’t making any gains whatsoever in any market. Their shares are dead in the water. Dreadful stilted product presentation like that pointed out in the above article isn’t exactly helping.
And…don’t be afraid of yourself Bleeding’! You are an epic mansplainer. You’ll tell women why they’re wrong till the cows come home, and love it! The women, on the other hand, just give surf brands the flick and go buy athleisure. Maybe the surf brands should have done that too; it’s better business than getting stuck in the surf backwater with a bunch of ageing men who don’t buy anything but surfboards anyway. Getting stuck, ironically, in a billabong.
Ha! I just hassled two ladies coming from a surf this morning for riding a rainbow mal, a keel finned fish, sporting a goldie long sleeved wetsuit vest, eating avocado and strawberries while discussing where to go “for a chai”. Not sure if my reckless attack was mansplaining though. I thought I was pretty equal opportunity about it.
With the eating of avocados and strawberries, could have been another well timed moment for your mate to throw his hat in the ring with the Cranberries comment.
*Sotto voce. The worst of it was I immediately went home and had muesli with chia seeds and psyllium husks for breakfast.
As long as you cried uncontrollably in the shower after breakfast, you shouldn’t feel so icky about how you handled that whole situation.
Nah, I was lost in a circle of indecision. Couldn’t work out whether myself or the girls were the authentic ones…
See here’s the thing, Julian’s Postie, they are the future, we are the past. Old men in the surf! They’re the worst. Unless they’re Gerry or whatever.
“Gerry or whatever” would be a great band name.
What the hell? You’re fucken Nick Carroll, and you’re not dead yet.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
I try to save the burning/raving shit for actual surfing though.
Ah, I see. Us of more modest abilities can only rage on the comment boards whereas you burn in the tube. Makes sense.*
*Though sarcasm may be read into this comment, it is not intended.
Absolutely, it’s a constant battle. Hard to tell what’s worse. The fallen soldiers, condemned to riding mals in order to compete with the ‘youf’, versus the incommunicado Japanese soldiers on a remote island still fighting (with short boards) after the war has ended for all intents and purposes.
i’ll be in this bunker until i run out of rations
Well shave my balls and call me Caitlyn, the legend twice replied!
I was not aware that I was making any other point than observing that applying feminist/taleban strictures to bikini advertising is hardly the road to profitability. You can call it mansplainin’ or freebasin’ but it doesn’t change the reality that bikinis are made to reveal skin, generally as much as possible, while making boobs and bums look good.
If Billabong goes the feminist route, they will quickly find their dwindling sales vanish altogether. If a woman has worked hard to have a nice body, she generally doesn’t endeavor to disguise it. For example, yoga pants, which are worn for almost anything but yoga. Unfortunately, thanks to feminism, the fat (er, bubbly) ones want to do the same as well. This is also the case for women’s surfing attire.
Female surfers at most of the breaks I’ve ever been to could opt for far more modest activewear, but make an effort to display the goods, wearing bikini bottoms with thongs so thin and wedged that NASA is looking into them as a material for rubber banding satellites to rockets. Bikini tops are not always as successful in containing their precious packages during a wipeout, and a rashie is recommended but rarely worn.
Based on my extensive market research, if Billabong wants to engage in puritanical feminist body censorship their bottom line is going to sink ever further away.
P.S. I was hoping you’d comment on my effort to mention an Australian feminist. I really had to go back into the memory banks for that one.
P.P.S. Speaking of censorship, finding a pic of Immortal Tom wearing that Samurai helmet from his Pipe wins is getting fucking hard. I hope your shift from surfing hardman to Sarah Jessica Parker warrior didn’t include a removal of that from the web? Seriously a great nostalgia pic from back when people used to have fun.
As a feminist and avid female surfer that sees you so entrenched in your sexist mindset, I feel sorry for you. I hope you can eventually become a bit more educated to know that what you’re saying and your logic is entirely moronic and repulsive.
Sky, I really want to believe that you can do more than make ad hominem insults, and in that spirit of optimism, I’ll reply to a couple of insults:
1) “Sexist”: I call this “human nature”. It is a wonderful fact of nature that guys like good looking girls, good looking girls wearing revealing bikinis know this, and do it precisely for that reason, often to exert sexual power over men (see I’m a third wave feminist!) or to establish a hierarchy amongst themselves. Feminists who deny sexual motivation in clothing wear, or who argue for body censorship share something common with the dudes who want to cut bits off for women’s own good. And its this: they both want to force the body to conform to ideological imperatives. Fuck em’. What the hell is wrong with beauty? What the hell is wrong with wanting to attract someone? Hell, even feminist Lesbians would love to be made an “object” by another feminist Lesbian.
There are bikinis and one-pieces that are very functional for surfing and you may choose to wear them, being a female feminist. However, you are a very limited market, and bikini makers exist to make more money than less. Many female surfers choose not to burka up, and instead wear revealing bikinis. By exerting their sexual power, they also tend to bum more waves from dudes than the sensibly clad of equal ability, as well as the occasional consequence free drop in. By the way, I fucken hate when they do this, so you could even say I’m a “feminist”, as I think everyone should conform to the same etiquette regardless of what they have or don’t have between their legs.
2) “Repulsive”: When you hold a position dearly, and are personally invested in it, the truth is often horrifying. But I don’t aim to convert, just to explicate, so that you can never say you weren’t told. You can do with it what you want. In that same spirit, “Choice” is a euphemism for murder. Its a developing human baby, not a blob of cells without any moral claim on its mother.
3) Let’s take this out of the realm of “heteronormative” sexual relations (Ugh, in my efforts to reach out to you, I adopted your hideous cultural Marxist vocabulary). If you were a lesbian would you rather be hit on by Silviana or Tatiana, assuming they were both equally compatible with your person in all other respects?
I can’t believe Google canned you for that manifesto. MAGA brah!
Together Bitter guy, together we’ll beat them.
I love feminism because it’s an acceptable means of being ignorant to business marketing
I would totally agree with you if Billabong had sold more than 3 bikinis this quarter. Seeing as the company only sold one bottom, though, I can’t.
Looks like the fashion police just arrived.
I bought that bikini bottom, and can honestly say it wasn’t for the quality of it *inhales deeply*
Because every girl trying on a bikini thinks: “Would Lena Dunham say my ass looks good in this?”
Fuck that nugget
No thank you, but if you’re interested, may I suggest a full-body plastic wrap?
Alana’s pregnancy really slowing shit down
Come on Chas, be honest. Have you ever cracked one off to a modestly designed bikini?
My favorite line: “You are ostensibly an athletic apparel company, yes?”
Obviously she is thinking of Hurley.
I miss those old school Reef ads from the late 1990s that just had some plump hot ass cheeks in a miniature thong hunching over a bar while wearing some Reef sandals that barely showed in the picture. They sold millions. Would cause a heart attack on PC Socialist/Feminist Millennials nowadays…
I remember one of the mags actually interviewing the model because everyone wanted to know who she was. Ahhh…the good ‘ol days.
The golden era when a healthy female body was not considered offensive!
Or when noticing it wasn’t considered perpetuating “rape culture”.
Your ignorance rivals that of Trump.
In my younger years I even owned ‘FBI’ Tshirt, FBI standing for female body inspector. Classic!
So painful. Dear gawd. Evolution clearly didn’t happen to all of us. “Golden era…” To even try and engage in such a convo would only prove futile. Stupidity always wins. They have no limit.
I bought surfer mags at the grocery store just for those ads. Lined my room with them. “Go away mom, I’m fine!”
“I want to tell you something. I was in this bureau when you were still popping zits on your funny face and jerking off with the lingerie section of the sears catalog.”
Remember Black Flys? Sheesh!
How so? All research shows sex doesn’t sell like you think it does. Guy myth.
i know a few Kardashian girls sitting on 100 million plus that might disagree.
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
A day late and a dollar short Inertia nerds!
If you’re still keen on anti-loquaciousing: Inerdia
inertia must be crushed at all costs. no lives will be spared
Wait until she finds out about them killing a world champion, covering it up and blaming it on Dengue Fever.
This is, officially, the best comment that has ever appeared. You win!
You should change the intro from “Surfwear giant gets nailed!” to
“Surfwear giant gets NUG’d!”.
That’s why Nug is the man.
NUG spelled backwards is GUN. That was an execution style head splattering of everyone’s least favorite surf brand. NUG shoots first and asks questions later. Bravo, you’ve done it again, you wily bastard!
👏…👏…👏
Holy shit, just wow, go to inertia and comment that. Then delete your browser history.
I think NUG has difficulty with the passive part of passive/aggressive.
Would the merman please join the crew in the WSL booth for commentary?
I think he might have some refreshing analysis of performance and scoring.
I can see Ms. Knowlton’s point but, without trying to sound too terrible, what’s the point of eating healthy and working out if you don’t want people to see you? I eat like shit and do barely over the minimum of exercise so that people would stop undressing me with their eyes! And yes. I too love the merman.
Finally, a mermaid that I would fuck.