Portugal: “Destiny is John’s bastard!”

The North Shore's favorite son just three heat wins away from title number two!

In professional surfing there is John John Florence and there is everyone else. It is fun to watch everyone else. They make nice moves on the waves. Cutbacks and aerials. Little jams off the top. Squirts. They even get into the barrel.

And then there is John John.

Round 4 heat 2 exemplified the great distance between the two perfectly. It featured Kolohe Andino, Connor O’Leary and John John Florence. Connor surfed good enough. Kolohe seemed completely revitalized, mixing air, hack, speed and claim. He really appears that he has found his way and if he keeps this energy up he will be challenging Gabriel Medina for second place for years to come.

And then there was John John.

He pitched a lackadaisical air and got a big score. He fell into the best barrel of the event at the buzzer and got the win.

It is not just luck, even though John John will credit luck from time to time. No. It is that he is simply the most complete surfer on tour, possibly the most complete surfer ever, and the only time luck comes into play is when John John loses a heat.

The World Surf League has used the tagline “It takes a tour to make a title” this year but it is silly and if they choose to use it again next year it should simply be “It takes a John John to make a title.”

He is in the quarterfinals now that will play tomorrow and if he wins his next three heats he will be 2 x world champion.

The boy from the North Shore has taken destiny and made it his bastard.

MEO Rip Curl Pro Portugal Round 4 Results:
Heat 1: Julian Wilson (AUS) 11.67, Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 8.10, Leonardo Fioravanti (ITL) 7.77
Heat 2: John John Florence (HAW) 17.00, Kolohe Andino (USA) 15.57, Connor O’Leary (AUS) 13.50
Heat 3: Kanoa Igarashi (USA) 16.83, Josh Kerr (AUS) 15.44, Frederico Morais (PRT) 13.60
Heat 4: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 14.47, Mick Fanning (AUS) 12.47, Miguel Pupo (BRA) 5.27

MEO Rip Curl Pro Portugal Round 5 Results:
Heat 1: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 12.10 def. Connor O’Leary (AUS) 12.07
Heat 2: Kolohe Andino (USA) 16.53 def. Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA) 10.83
Heat 3: Miguel Pupo (BRA) 15.50 def. Josh Kerr (AUS) 10.67
Heat 4: Mick Fanning (AUS) 11.87 def. Frederico Morais (PRT) 10.00

MEO Rip Curl Pro Portugal Quarterfinal Match-Ups:
QF 1: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Sebastian Zietz (HAW)
QF 2: John John Florence (HAW) vs. Kolohe Andino (USA)
QF 3: Kanoa Igarashi (USA) vs. Miguel Pupo (BRA)
QF 4: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Mick Fanning (AUS)

Progressive: Today in Stab-vertorial!

Venice-adjacent's other online surf magazine is brushing history!

Ok ok ok ok ok ok ok . I know that Mar Vista (which happens to also be Venice-adjacent just exactly like  The Inertia) is a bastion for cheap tech money and old men wearing short shorts but did you also know it is ground zero for the most bald-faced advertorial play on the planet?


Recently re-purchased from Surfstitch, Stab magazine, has decided that the Internet’s future lies in doing the sort of barely concealed advertising editorial that was popular a short ten years ago. The powers may be on to something. Everything old, of course, becomes new again but Stab is pushing its advertorial so hard that the United States patent office gave it the mark for “badvertorial” and today is rebranding the whole enterprise as “Stabvertorial.”

A victory!

And I very much wouldn’t want you to not click on today’s offering, because Stabvertorial has become an artform, so here it is… pushing a Billabong trunk. But I will let the masters take it from here.

The Art of Indigenous Patters and Wearable Shorts

All people, not boardshorts were created equal. Boardshorts, must be pleasing to the eye, comfortable and functional. A bad pair of boardies is like a guitar missing its E, D and B strings – not quite strumming it.

On October 6th at China Heights Gallery Sydney, Otis Hope Carey showcased his newest and “most important work to date” featuring the art of the Gumbaynggirr people. It was called ‘GAAGAL’ meaning “ocean.” It then moved from canvas to cloth forming Billabong’s new line. We dig it.
Though there are only a few waves in this clip, if you like surfing, art, trunks and people, go ahead and give it a watch.

The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.

The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.

The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.

The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.

The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.

The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.

The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.

The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.

The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.

The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.

The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.

The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.

Seriously, I think this is the high water mark. I don’t even know where an artist can go from here other than maybe writing about all the bros he has who are totally for reals gay but how awesome that is.

Stabvertorial has reached rarified air and we must savor each new offering.

Kolohe Andino, feeling perky despite apparent ratings slump of contest broadcast. | Photo: WSL

Fox Dumps WSL For Women’s Golf!

Fox Sports replaces live broadcast of Portugal with women's golf and repeats of moto races!

If you live in Australia, which approximately twenty five percent of you do, you may’ve screwed your little eyes up with sad when Fox Sports didn’t run, as it usually does, the live broadcast of Portugal.

I came home to a kid shrieking, “The WSL isn’t on!”

Which ain’t a problem to the technology savvy.

Stream it on the machine. The portable telephone. A tablet, if you’re eighty years old. The WSL broadcast team is gold-plated. Better than champagne and raw oysters and so forth.

The advantage of a cable stream, of course, is it don’t glitch out. This is a problem in Australia where the former socialist government decided it wanted to get into the internet biz and threw fifty billion shekels at a network that was outdated the day the first shovel cracked the pavement.


From a loved BeachGrit source, I received this email:

“Turns out the reason they haven’t been running Portugal live is that Fox ain’t too happy with the ratings and get a better return from women’s golf and re-runs of motorbike races.”

So I ring Fox.

The desk puts me through to a transport company twice before throwing me at a mysterious answering machine. Pals with Fox contacts toss me a number that doesn’t pick up.

I learn from contacts within the biz that Fox Sports only regards surfing as “cool wallpaper” that “If Mick ain’t winning nobody cares” and if you’re making a promo for the company, “Make sure you show Mick!”

This all augers well for the final couple of days of competition.

Mick, of course, will appear in round four, heat four against Miguel Pupo and Gabriel Medina.

Tell me.

Does the thought of surfing being trumped by golf and repeats of motorcycle races make you so made it kills the red corpuscles in your body?

Or no?

Conspiracy: WSL trying to fix heats?

I demand of the powers, "What did you know and when did you know it?"

We neither believe nor push conspiracy here, you know that. We believe in facts. Like those surrounding Hillary Clinton’s pedophile pizza establishment. Like those surrounding ex-president Barrack Osama’s Nigerian birthplace. And most recently like those surrounding one Jordy Smith’s epic cockup in Portugal versus Josh Kerr.

Jordy Smith was world number two and nipping at John John’s heels. The tour was heading toward Pipeline and ready to deliver an epic showdown. Jordy Smith totally blew it and accidentally lost to Josh Kerr.

So what happened? Let us turn to the facts.

Fact: Josh Kerr, retiring at year’s end and not wanting to surf competitively professionally any more, refused to even pretend to fight Jordy during the heat. He paddled as far as he could away from him. He coughed up priority on dumpy little things as soon as he got it. He actively cheered for Jordy to make barrels.

Fact: In the post heat interview Josh said that he was actively cheering for Jordy to make barrels and was sad when he didn’t. He also revealed that Jordy was his roommate whilst in country and that “things might have been different” if Jordy had offered him some “money.”

Fact: The World Surf League had pre-programmed Jordy’s post heat interview into the system.

The powers knew Jordy would be there because giving John John a probable opponent heading into the final at Pipeline would create drama, storyline and views. Easy.

Therefore: The League scripted Jordy’s win.

So what happened?

Probably: Jordy pocketed Josh Kerr’s bribe money. The judges, after reading days and days of BeachGrit, realized the error in rewarding safety surfing at just the wrong time. The powers totally assumed that the judges would also reward the safest surfing forevermore and forgot about BeachGrit. John John will win the next nine titles. Kelly Slater will reveal his Surf Ranch on the moon to distract from John John’s 11th title. Jordy Smith will open a failed bar on the moon featuring three different rooms with three different moods.

One will be “Cockup.”

Stoke and Leisure Ambassador Scotty Kennedy
Stoke and Leisure Ambassador Scotty Kennedy

WSL Stoke Ambassador: “I’m a loveable wanker!”

Is cynicism too easy a response to the WSL's six-week intern program?

Have you been following the WSL’s hunt for an ambassador of Stoke and Leisure? Oh, yes, it’s very easy to be cynical.

But how about we meet the six finalists and see what they’ve got before we throw ’em down the well? 

Today, we introduce Scott Kennedy, the WSL’s wannabe Ron Burgundy.

“Who wants to watch some stale old piece of bread who thinks they are too good for comedy win this competition”

“A lot of people on Instagram seem to be getting fired up that the contestants are ‘clowns’ and ‘kooks’. I’ll put my hand up right now, I’m guilty of being a lovable wanker… “

Scott also says we should we round up Trump, Putin and Kimmy Jong-un and “invite them over to sunny Hawaii for the Vans Triple Crown for a few cold ones and a spot of the best surfing this planet has to offer”.

It ain’t a bad idea.

Now let’s meet.

BeachGrit: Has surf media has lost its once-famous sense of humour? 

Scott: I wouldn’t say it’s lacking comedy exactly, it’s plenty entertaining and in the end it is an elite sport that should be taken seriously and respected, although there’s always room for a laugh. A lot of people on instagram seem to be getting fired up that the contestants are “clowns” and “kooks.” I’ll put my hand up right now. I like to have a laugh and I don’t take myself too seriously. I’m guilty of being the lovable wanker. But who wants to watch some stale old piece of bread who thinks they are too good for comedy to win this competition and be the ambassador for six weeks. Not this guy.

Who wants to watch some stale old piece of bread who thinks they are too good for comedy to win this competition and be the ambassador for six weeks.


BeachGrit: Are you surfing’s Ron Burgundy?

Scott: I’ll start by saying I’ve been told I look like Will Farrell a few more times then a care for this week, but what a guy! I do have my Anchorman quotes down to a fine art and I’ll definitely be looking to Ron’s outrageous take on journalism if the WSL let me tackle the Vans Triple Crown.

BeachGrit: Will you make Eddie Rothman happy with your comedy?

Scott: I’m going to make it my mission to not make any sudden movement around that man and hope he doesn’t sense my fear. Complete respect to him, what a legend! But yeah, he terrifies me.

BeachGrit: How good at surfing do you need to be, to be good at filming it?

Scott: Surfing is like sex. You don’t have to be good at it to love it, watch it or film it.

BeachGrit: The other day, the Stoke and Leisure contestants were accused of being “affluent enough to chase a dream unlikely to pay a living wage”. Putting aside the irony that he just described every surf-journalist ever, what’s your opinion? How do you support yourself while you travel?

Scott: I spent six years in the Navy as an Electronics Technician while saving for adventures. It’s no secret if I didn’t have to work another day in my life I wouldn’t unless that was work I was passionate about.

BeachGrit: Gimme a good travel story. 

Scott: I walked into a pool party in San Juan Del Sur during Sunday Funday in Nicaragua. At ten am on the Sunday I broke my collarbone while disregarding the signage and my mother’s warnings while growing up about running around slippery pools. I ignored medical advice and with the help of a few fellas shimmied up a sling made from one of the girls sarongs and kicked on for another three days. As fun as it was, I then found myself in the pickle of not been able to carry my backpack further then my dorm room’s front door. Luckily I met Dylan, an Aussie pilot that behaved in such a way that makes me now think twice every time I board a plane. In any case, he decided to carry my backpack for me for the next eight weeks while my bone healed on route to Colombia. What a guy! And it just goes to show the kind of awesome people you meet while you’re travelling.

BeachGrit: The philosopher Bertrand Russell once said the following in relation to the hypothetical scenario that we all just worked four hours a day:

Above all, there will be happiness and joy of life, instead of frayed nerves, weariness, and dyspepsia. The work exacted will be enough to make leisure delightful, but not enough to produce exhaustion…. Ordinary men and women, having the opportunity of a happy life, will become more kindly and less persecuting and less inclined to view others with suspicion. The taste for war will die out, partly for this reason, and partly because it will involve long and severe work for all. Good nature is, of all moral qualities, the one that the world needs most, and good nature is the result of ease and security, not of a life of arduous struggle. Modern methods of production have given us the possibility of ease and security for all; we have chosen, instead, to have overwork for some and starvation for others. Hitherto we have continued to be as energetic as we were before there were machines; in this we have been foolish, but there is no reason to go on being foolish forever.

BeachGrit: Do you believe that  “Stoke and Leisure” could solve some of the world’s great, intractable problems? 

Scott: One hundred percent. Old mate Bertrand has hit the nail on the head! If everyone could take a step back and chill out a little bit the whole world would be a hell of a lot of a nicer place to spend our time. I don’t want to get tangled up in a discussion about politics but here is another hypothetical: we round up Trump, Putin and Kim Jong and we invite them over to Hawaii for the Vans Triple Crown for a few cold ones and a spot of the best surfing this planet has to offer! I’m willing to bet we get ourselves a little bit of world peace all thanks to a little bit of stoke and leisure.

Vote here!