The North Shore's favorite son just three heat wins
away from title number two!
In professional surfing there is John John
Florence and there is everyone else. It is fun to watch everyone
else. They make nice moves on the waves. Cutbacks and aerials.
Little jams off the top. Squirts. They even get into the
barrel.
And then there is John John.
Round 4 heat 2 exemplified the great distance between the two
perfectly. It featured Kolohe Andino, Connor O’Leary and John John
Florence. Connor surfed good enough. Kolohe seemed completely
revitalized, mixing air, hack, speed and claim. He really appears
that he has found his way and if he keeps this energy up he will be
challenging Gabriel Medina for second place for years to come.
And then there was John John.
He pitched a lackadaisical air and got a big score. He fell into
the best barrel of the event at the buzzer and got the win.
It is not just luck, even though John John will credit luck from
time to time. No. It is that he is simply the most complete surfer
on tour, possibly the most complete surfer ever, and the only time
luck comes into play is when John John loses a heat.
The World Surf League has used the tagline “It takes a tour to
make a title” this year but it is silly and if they choose to use
it again next year it should simply be “It takes a John John to
make a title.”
He is in the quarterfinals now that will play tomorrow and if he
wins his next three heats he will be 2 x world champion.
The boy from the North Shore has taken destiny and made it his
bastard.
MEO Rip Curl Pro Portugal Round 4 Results:
Heat 1: Julian Wilson (AUS) 11.67, Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 8.10,
Leonardo Fioravanti (ITL) 7.77
Heat 2: John John Florence (HAW) 17.00, Kolohe Andino (USA) 15.57,
Connor O’Leary (AUS) 13.50
Heat 3: Kanoa Igarashi (USA) 16.83, Josh Kerr (AUS) 15.44,
Frederico Morais (PRT) 13.60
Heat 4: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 14.47, Mick Fanning (AUS) 12.47,
Miguel Pupo (BRA) 5.27
MEO Rip Curl Pro Portugal Quarterfinal
Match-Ups:
QF 1: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Sebastian Zietz (HAW)
QF 2: John John Florence (HAW) vs. Kolohe Andino (USA)
QF 3: Kanoa Igarashi (USA) vs. Miguel Pupo (BRA)
QF 4: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Mick Fanning (AUS)
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Progressive: Today in Stab-vertorial!
By Chas Smith
Venice-adjacent's other online surf magazine is
brushing history!
Ok ok ok ok ok ok ok . I know that Mar Vista
(which happens to also be Venice-adjacent just exactly like
The Inertia) is a bastion for cheap tech money and
old men wearing short shorts but did you also know it is ground
zero for the most bald-faced advertorial play on the planet?
True!
Recently re-purchased from Surfstitch, Stab magazine,
has decided that the Internet’s future lies in doing the sort of
barely concealed advertising editorial that was popular a short ten
years ago. The powers may be on to something. Everything old, of
course, becomes new again but Stab is pushing its
advertorial so hard that the United States patent office gave it
the mark for “badvertorial” and
today is rebranding the whole enterprise as “Stabvertorial.”
A victory!
And I very much wouldn’t want you to not click on today’s
offering, because Stabvertorial has become an artform, so here it
is… pushing a Billabong trunk. But I will let the masters take it
from here.
The Art of Indigenous Patters and Wearable
Shorts
All people, not boardshorts were created equal. Boardshorts,
must be pleasing to the eye, comfortable and functional. A bad pair
of boardies is like a guitar missing its E, D and B strings – not
quite strumming it.
On October 6th at China Heights Gallery Sydney, Otis Hope
Carey showcased his newest and “most important work to date”
featuring the art of the Gumbaynggirr people. It was called
‘GAAGAL’ meaning “ocean.” It then moved from canvas to cloth
forming Billabong’s new line. We dig it. Though there are only a few waves in this clip, if you like
surfing, art, trunks and people, go ahead and give it a
watch.
The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.
The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.
The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.
The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.
The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.
The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.
The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.
The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.
The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.
The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.
The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.
The art of indigenous patterns and wearable shorts.
Seriously, I think this is the high water mark. I don’t even
know where an artist can go from here other than maybe writing
about all the bros he has who are totally for reals
gay but how awesome that is.
Stabvertorial has reached rarified air and we must savor each
new offering.
Fox Sports replaces live broadcast of Portugal with
women's golf and repeats of moto races!
If you live in Australia, which approximately twenty
five percent of you do, you may’ve screwed your little
eyes up with sad when Fox Sports didn’t run, as it usually does,
the live broadcast of Portugal.
I came home to a kid shrieking, “The WSL isn’t on!”
Which ain’t a problem to the technology savvy.
Stream it on the machine. The portable telephone. A tablet, if
you’re eighty years old. The WSL broadcast team is gold-plated.
Better than champagne and raw oysters and so forth.
The advantage of a cable stream, of course, is it don’t glitch
out. This is a problem in Australia where the former socialist
government decided it wanted to get into the internet biz and threw
fifty billion shekels at a network that was outdated the day the
first shovel cracked the pavement.
Anyway,
From a loved BeachGrit source, I received this
email:
“Turns out the reason they haven’t been running Portugal live is
that Fox ain’t too happy with the ratings and get a better return
from women’s golf and re-runs of motorbike races.”
So I ring Fox.
The desk puts me through to a transport company twice before
throwing me at a mysterious answering machine. Pals with Fox
contacts toss me a number that doesn’t pick up.
I learn from contacts within the biz that Fox Sports only
regards surfing as “cool wallpaper” that “If Mick ain’t winning
nobody cares” and if you’re making a promo for the company, “Make
sure you show Mick!”
This all augers well for the final couple of days of
competition.
Mick, of course, will appear in round four, heat four against
Miguel Pupo and Gabriel Medina.
Tell me.
Does the thought of surfing being trumped by golf and repeats of
motorcycle races make you so made it kills the red corpuscles in
your body?
Or no?
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Conspiracy: WSL trying to fix heats?
By Chas Smith
I demand of the powers, "What did you know and when
did you know it?"
We neither believe nor push conspiracy here,
you know that. We believe in facts. Like those surrounding Hillary
Clinton’s pedophile pizza establishment. Like those surrounding
ex-president Barrack Osama’s Nigerian birthplace. And most recently
like those surrounding one Jordy Smith’s epic cockup in Portugal
versus Josh Kerr.
Jordy Smith was world number two and nipping at John John’s
heels. The tour was heading toward Pipeline and ready to deliver an
epic showdown. Jordy Smith totally blew it and accidentally lost to
Josh Kerr.
So what happened? Let us turn to the facts.
Fact: Josh Kerr, retiring at year’s end and not wanting to surf
competitively professionally any more, refused to even pretend to
fight Jordy during the heat. He paddled as far as he could away
from him. He coughed up priority on dumpy little things as soon as
he got it. He actively cheered for Jordy to make barrels.
Fact: In the post heat interview Josh said that he was actively
cheering for Jordy to make barrels and was sad when he didn’t. He
also revealed that Jordy was his roommate whilst in country and
that “things might have been different” if Jordy had offered him
some “money.”
Fact: The World Surf League had pre-programmed Jordy’s post heat
interview into the system.
The powers knew Jordy would be there because giving John John a
probable opponent heading into the final at Pipeline would create
drama, storyline and views. Easy.
Therefore: The League scripted Jordy’s win.
So what happened?
Probably: Jordy pocketed Josh Kerr’s bribe money. The judges,
after reading days and days of BeachGrit, realized the
error in rewarding safety surfing at just the wrong time. The
powers totally assumed that the judges would also reward the safest
surfing forevermore and forgot about BeachGrit. John John
will win the next nine titles. Kelly Slater will reveal his Surf
Ranch on the moon to distract from John John’s 11th title. Jordy
Smith will open a failed bar on the moon featuring three different
rooms with three different moods.
One will be “Cockup.”
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Stoke and Leisure Ambassador Scotty
Kennedy
WSL Stoke Ambassador: “I’m a loveable
wanker!”
By James Booth
Is cynicism too easy a response to the WSL's
six-week intern program?
Have you been following the WSL’s hunt for an ambassador
of Stoke and Leisure? Oh, yes, it’s very easy to be
cynical.
Today, we introduce Scott Kennedy, the WSL’s wannabe Ron
Burgundy.
“Who wants to watch some stale old piece of bread who thinks
they are too good for comedy win this competition”
“A lot of people on Instagram seem to be getting fired up
that the contestants are ‘clowns’ and ‘kooks’. I’ll put my hand up
right now, I’m guilty of being a lovable wanker… “
Scott also says we should we round up Trump, Putin and Kimmy
Jong-un and “invite them over to sunny Hawaii for the Vans Triple
Crown for a few cold ones and a spot of the best surfing this
planet has to offer”.
It ain’t a bad idea.
Now let’s meet.
BeachGrit: Has surf media has lost its once-famous sense
of humour?
Scott: I wouldn’t say it’s lacking comedy exactly, it’s plenty
entertaining and in the end it is an elite sport that should be
taken seriously and respected, although there’s always room for a
laugh. A lot of people on instagram seem to be getting fired up
that the contestants are “clowns” and “kooks.” I’ll put my hand up
right now. I like to have a laugh and I don’t take myself too
seriously. I’m guilty of being the lovable wanker. But who wants to
watch some stale old piece of bread who thinks they are too good
for comedy to win this competition and be the ambassador for six
weeks. Not this guy.
Who wants to watch some stale old piece of bread who thinks they
are too good for comedy to win this competition and be the
ambassador for six weeks.
BeachGrit: Are you surfing’s Ron Burgundy?
Scott: I’ll start by saying I’ve been told I look like Will
Farrell a few more times then a care for this week, but what a guy!
I do have my Anchorman quotes down to a fine art and I’ll
definitely be looking to Ron’s outrageous take on journalism if the
WSL let me tackle the Vans Triple Crown.
BeachGrit: Will you make Eddie Rothman happy with
your comedy?
Scott: I’m going to make it my mission to not make any sudden
movement around that man and hope he doesn’t sense my fear.
Complete respect to him, what a legend! But yeah, he terrifies
me.
BeachGrit: How good at surfing do you need to be, to be
good at filming it?
Scott: Surfing is like sex. You don’t have to be good at it to
love it, watch it or film it.
BeachGrit:The other day, the Stoke and
Leisure contestants were accused of being “affluent enough to chase
a dream unlikely to pay a living wage”. Putting aside the irony
that he just described every surf-journalist ever, what’s your
opinion? How do you support yourself while you travel?
Scott: I spent six years in the Navy as an Electronics
Technician while saving for adventures. It’s no secret if I didn’t
have to work another day in my life I wouldn’t unless that was work
I was passionate about.
BeachGrit: Gimme a good travel story.
Scott: I walked into a pool party in San Juan Del Sur
during Sunday Funday in Nicaragua. At ten am on the Sunday I broke
my collarbone while disregarding the signage and my mother’s
warnings while growing up about running around slippery pools. I
ignored medical advice and with the help of a few fellas shimmied
up a sling made from one of the girls sarongs and kicked on for
another three days. As fun as it was, I then found myself in the
pickle of not been able to carry my backpack further then my dorm
room’s front door. Luckily I met Dylan, an Aussie pilot that
behaved in such a way that makes me now think twice every time I
board a plane. In any case, he decided to carry my backpack for me
for the next eight weeks while my bone healed on route to Colombia.
What a guy! And it just goes to show the kind of awesome people you
meet while you’re travelling.
BeachGrit: The philosopher Bertrand
Russell once said the following in relation to the hypothetical
scenario that we all just worked four hours a day:
Above all, there will be happiness and joy of life, instead
of frayed nerves, weariness, and dyspepsia. The work exacted will
be enough to make leisure delightful, but not enough to produce
exhaustion…. Ordinary men and women, having the opportunity of a
happy life, will become more kindly and less persecuting and less
inclined to view others with suspicion. The taste for war will die
out, partly for this reason, and partly because it will involve
long and severe work for all. Good nature is, of all moral
qualities, the one that the world needs most, and good nature is
the result of ease and security, not of a life of arduous struggle.
Modern methods of production have given us the possibility of ease
and security for all; we have chosen, instead, to have overwork for
some and starvation for others. Hitherto we have continued to be as
energetic as we were before there were machines; in this we have
been foolish, but there is no reason to go on being foolish
forever.
BeachGrit: Do you believe that “Stoke and Leisure”
could solve some of the world’s great, intractable
problems?
Scott: One hundred percent. Old mate Bertrand has hit the nail
on the head! If everyone could take a step back and chill out a
little bit the whole world would be a hell of a lot of a nicer
place to spend our time. I don’t want to get tangled up in a
discussion about politics but here is another hypothetical: we
round up Trump, Putin and Kim Jong and we invite them over to
Hawaii for the Vans Triple Crown for a few cold ones and a spot of
the best surfing this planet has to offer! I’m willing to bet we
get ourselves a little bit of world peace all thanks to a little
bit of stoke and leisure.
