Cracks are forming in the WSL's wall of oppression!
I have had a number of important jobs in my life (submarine driver, zipline operator) but none more satisfying than the Voice of the People. None more important. For where would you be without? If you were mute? I will tell you where. Trodden under the World Surf League’s authoritarian foot. Forced to endure a khaki-hued professional surf world with Ross William’s new slow-motion 1000 yard stare the most exciting bit of commentary.
I treat the responsibility bestowed up me with the upmost gravitas.
I also know how the great James Hoffa feels for, if you recall, I was forced to unionize surf media as a response to unilateral WSL exclusivizing. Turning our egalitarian spirit into a place where the 1% hide behind a wall and feast upon Michelob Ultra, mocking those outside. I was forced to threaten a boycott of the finals of the France Pro.
Well, I can report great success. While I was busily working the phones, barking at heads of the World Surf League in order to improve the people’s position, Longtom was undermining their product by detailing the very core of the League’s problem.
“The problem: too safe surfing when big numbers were needed….” he wrote “And that is a structural problem for both. Becoming so used to conservative surfing they lack the neuro-muscular circuitry and psychological toughness to go big.”
Brilliant.
Stab, meanwhile, was holding the line on the boycott, refusing to publish anything about the finals because they couldn’t get Longtom to write their coverage. And Surfline put out fake fake news about Kelly Slater not surfing in Portugal, which he is.
When the day ended, I sat back, smiling, and sipped a humble Stolichnaya and pamplemousse. I could feel the cracks in the WSL’s wall of oppression. The people are on the march. The people are coming.
Yes, this is the most important job in my life and the most satisfying.
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Chas Guevara.
As submarine driver, wouldn’t it be tempting to just keep going a little bit deeper and deeper and then deeper still? Surely the tin can withstand another five meters, right?
The People want to see the bottom of the Marianas Trench.
Pretty sure it was a Disney ride.
Yes, how deep do you think we could take that sucker?
After The People’s retrofit, I mean.
This is but a pimple on the WSL’S big giant ass. Albeit a solid pimple, one you can really feel that deep down pop.
This is the finest moment in surf media history. Hang on, where’s my fucken golden ticket?
If there are big changes coming to the WCT format the league should divulge them now. All those scrapping for a mythical spot on tour need contingency plans if their dreams are shit.
STOP DRINKING VODKA! Christ, it’s the only thing wrong with you. Or can’t you at least lie and say it was Don Julio Anejo? Or a proper single-malt? Then we (The People) could think, yeah, our Vuitton be-loafered narrator knows what life is really about.
Mezcal is my favorite of all. Vodka just easy.
Ooh, a decent mescal from the countryside. Mmmmmm
Goes to Oaxaca once..
Twice!
Beachgrit’s WSL finals day boycott is akin to the U.S. arms embargo on Iran. Just send in Ollie North to do the dirty work. Well done Longbomb.
As the son of Cher, I thought the most important job that Chaz has is being the face of the brave new world. Bravo Chaz!
You’re boycott was a raving success. Shares and likes from longtoms essay of the final day are many and still rising. All these potential clickers you managed to redirect from wsl to you. Well done!
Oh, it’s bestowed UP you alright!
That’s why I have such gravitas.
We must all unite and mark our Stab job offers “return to sender”
I did. (Clenched fist held in air)
Nah I’m taking that job. Can do more damage from the inside…
Dude,you can’t kill that submarine driver Joke. That horse will not die.
It’s not a joke. If you were a submarine driver wouldn’t you be proud?
Panic button bro.
The most important part of the submarine driver’s duties.
Any R&R time spent on the jungle cruise? You know, to normalize you to be again amongst the people?
But have you ever seen the backside of water? Only a Jungle Cruise regular knows the feeling…
Que? Please share with the rest of the class.
Is this a “Lost Sub-Driver” joke?
well, I had completely forgotten about it to be honest