Resolution: Surfers go vegan!

Last decade's trend is sweeping the lineup!

We are now really on the cusp of 2018. The calendar has flipped in Australia and will flip soon in the Americas. And do you go all out with your celebration? Fireworks and booze etc. or do you stay home and watch television? Also do you make New Year’s resolutions? I don’t and can’t remember ever having had but if I was going to make one it would be to stop posting worthless pieces on BeachGrit.

It would not be to go vegan though according to PETA going vegan is trending amongst surfers. The militant pro-animal organization writes:

Surfing is about so much more than just raw talent. Learning to connect with Mother Nature—by working with the waves, not against them—is key. Being physically fit and mentally sound doesn’t hurt, either. That’s why it’s no surprise that so many surfing greats are opting to go vegan. Take a look at the lineup below, and find out how you, too, can ride the compassionate wave.

Which surfers are riding the compassionate wave?

Kelly Slater: In the video, the 11-time world champion revealed, “I haven’t had milk for probably 20 years now.” Those who follow him on Twitter and Instagram know that he has long been opposed to consuming milk, cheese, and other animal-derived “products.

John John: “I’ve become increasingly aware of food and its effects on the human body. All signs point to the idea that a plant-based diet is far superior to that of high animal-product intake.”

Alana Blanchard: “One of the reasons I am vegan is because I love animals so much and could never even imagine hurting one.”

Rob Machado: “I was raised a vegetarian so I was always aware of [environmental] issues. There wasn’t a whole lot of vegetarians around in the 80s—so we were ahead of the curve in that way.”

Jack Freestone: “Veggies.”

And other surfers I’ve never heard of.


You in?

Was Kelly handed the keys to the universe via the magic of Ayahuasca?

Did Slater find God via a Psychedelic?

Was the universe revealed via the world's loveliest psychedelic, Ayahuasca?

One month ago, Kelly Slater revealed his date with the profound via a testimonial on Facebook and which we reported here. 

Kelly was a guest of the Rythmia resort, “the ultimate spiritual vacation located in Costa Rica, in an all-inclusive luxury resort” where “93.26% of our guests report a life-changing miracle during their stay.”

“I got a miracle of information,” reported Kelly. “It opened up some sort of doorway in my future. It was otherworldly.”

Among the usual eco-resort activities, yoga, massage, hose-in-the-ass-enemas (hydrocolonic cleanses), Rythmia offers Ayahuasca ceremonies.

Now, a few of you in the comments picked it up, but being a psychedelics novice (fiddling with the chemistry of my brain scares the daylights out of me) I totally missed it.

Ayahuasca, as my research later revealed, might be the loveliest drug in the world. A ghastly tasting brew but potentially a gateway to the deepest spiritual enlightenment.

Now, let’s be frank.

Do you think it was the colonics, the yoga, the massage, the metaphysics classes, the farm-to-table organic food, the transformative breathing exercises or the Ayahuasca – famous for revealing spiritual secrets to its users – that opened the doorway to the cosmos for Kelly?

In this podcast (click here), listen to an interview with Dr Jeff McNairy, Rythmia’s head doctor as he takes you through the whole Ayahuasca game.

And click here for a blow-by-blow account of Ayahuasca ceremonies at Rythmia. Actual time travel and so on.

Here, relive Kelly’s testimonial for Rythmia.

Have you drunk the brew?

Did you travel back, or forward, in time?

Did God reach out to you?

Is the cosmos one fantastic aphrodisiacal frenzy?

Please say yes!

(Note: It ain’t completely clear, but framed off the World Anti-Doping Agency’s guidelines, it can be presume d thatAyahuasca is on the WSL’s banned substance list.)

Dear Friends: Thanks for 2017!

We've reached the end (of the year)!

2017 is basically all over and it appears that many people are happy to see it go but not me and all thanks to you. Every day you put a smile on my face. Every day you made me chuckle with your delicate balance of wit, good-nature and cynicism. Every single day of this past year. I’m not nostalgic, due partially to a very bad memory, but I feel I will look back on 2017 with much fondness. Do you have a favorite moment?

Mine might have been the man who “baptized the savage” Gabriel Medina. Do you remember him?

Or maybe Sabre Norris’ profile on Derek Rielly.

Now that I think about it, though, yesterday’s evisceration of first-world surfboards  was all-time.

Oh I’m not about to make this a listlicle but……

I’m tired.

And a little boozy.


I love you.


Just in: See John John nude!

The world's best surfer strips!

The current best surfer in the world is John John Florence. Can we all agree? Can even Brazil agree that it would have taken a few miracles and many nods plus winks from the judges in order for Gabriel Medina to surpass him? The 25-year-old just clinched his second world title and, with nine more, will tie Kelly Slater. The world is his oyster and it appears that he has chosen to cruise it.

That’s right. John John Florence is a the face, or rather backside 360, of the Celebrity Cruise Line. The perceptive David Lee Scales from SurfSplendor noticed this video and let’s watch it together then discuss.


I was sort of expecting to discuss norovirus outbreaks or something but did you see that? John John Florence completely stripped of any and all branding? No Hurley no Pyzel no… nothing. Completely nude.


How does that make you feel? Like you shouldn’t have looked? Like weird? I will say John John strips down the branding more than any other professionally sponsored surfer. I only used Hurley and Pyzel as the examples above because those are the only brands I see on his surfboard. Does he have any others? Is it good value to professionally sponsor a surfer without receiving branding?


I suppose as the rooms in which one has made love have come to resemble one another so sex becomes currency. Ergo, it is not difficult to envision the single permissive standard as a free market for sex, a species of primitive capitalism where the entrepreneur with the most skill and enterprise and sexual funds could reap the highest profit – the adoration of countless mates and mistresses in that ubiquitous bixsexual world where men and women are as interchangeable as coin or cash.

But what do you think?

John John? You are either very young and love the fact that one of your peers has a legitimate shot at beating Slater or you’re a middle-aged woman who still remembers the little towhead from Highwater and all those magazine features | Photo: @worldsurflols

Holiday repeat: What Your Favourite Surfer Says About You!

Do you cry at little things (Gabriel)? Do you like droopy brown teats (Alex Knost)?

Who knew your favourite surfer could reveal so much! Just as riding a Hypto-Krypto tells the world you wear Kanye West signature kicks as booties and riding a Firewire signals you are a stay-at-home dad with a bar fridge full of Pepsi Cola and a 1 TB hard-drive full of she-male porn, your choice of surfer determines your style of clothes, your style of living, even your moral framework.

But enough chatter! Prise the curtain open, maestro!

Kelly Slater: Let us get the obvious out of the way first. You’re at least 40, you’ve only surfer once or twice a year for the last ten years but you still tell everyone in your office that you’re a surfer, big time. You’re the kind of person that just doesn’t know when to quit because you’ve convinced yourself that you will somehow go out on top no matter how long you wait. You almost died of anticipation waiting for OuterKnown.

Gabriel Medina? You jerk a shaver violently over your body each morning, and each night, and trained beauticians arrange the curve in your brow bi-weekly. Sometimes little things make you cry.

Gabriel Medina: Who knew eyebrows and body hair could become such a fixation? You jerk a shaver violently over your body each morning, and each night, and trained beauticians arrange the curve in your brow bi-weekly. Sometimes little things make you cry.

Mick Fanning: You believe in honesty, in your surfing, in your relationships, in life. It’s a man, his dog, his jetski, and mateships sealed in beer, occasional cross-dressing and public nudity. You believe all men are equal but this hasn’t come easy nor at minimal cost. 

Alex Knost: You believe the seventies were a utopia of droopy hair, droopy brown tits wrapped in knit bikinis and tanker single-fins. You enjoy Peter Pan and like to re-enact the battles of the lost boys, pirates and Indians.

John John Florence: You are either very young and love the fact that one of your peers has a legitimate shot at beating Slater or you’re a middle-aged woman who still remembers the little towhead from Highwater and all those magazine features. There’s also the outlier possibility that you’re a creepy old dude and think that liking JJF will somehow lead to relations with Alex. Regardless, you’re the kind of person who likes fresh, new, things and buys into the idea that John John becoming a prodigy was simply a happy accident and not the maneuvering of a not-quite-so-laidback mother taking advantage of proximity to all that surfing knowledge.

Kolohe Andino: You’re all about the hype and the money. You are probably also a Yankees, Lakers and Real Madrid fan. Image is all that matters to you and to you image is strictly a function of how much money is on display at any given moment. You haven’t actually surfed in years, for fear of damaging your expensive hand-shaped board, by some famous shaper, and you wouldn’t be caught dead on a board you would be willing to damage. If you have kids, you are a total soccer Dad, screaming at them and the referees whenever possible. If you don’t have kids, your Dad was a soccer dad and despite talking to him twice a year you still refer to him as your “best friend”.

Dion Agius: You’re such an adorable  little hipster. All your music comes on vinyl and all your photos come from 1980’s Russian film cameras. You refuse to watch the WSL for being too corporate and you think your hero, Dion Agius, is a sellout for attending Surfer Poll, regardless of how awesome you think Xanax is. Even though he is your favorite you still consider yourself to be better dressed, better exposed to music, and in general more cultured. You claim to have been a fan of Dion before anyone else outside of France.

The Hobgoods: You’re a redneck, a bogan, a chigger. You come from a working-class background, from a working-class region of your country and you think of yourself as a good ol’ boy. You have simple tastes in beer, food, music, movies and life in general. You’re always happy, you can have fun anywhere, and you own a 4×4 vehicle that you actually take offroad. You’re polite, you always respect your elders and you have zero in common with Dion Agius’s fans.

Makuakai or Koa Rothman: At some point in the last year you really fucked up and said the wrong thing, within hearing of the wrong person, and you live on the North Shore. In order to hide what you said, or did, wrong, you coat yourself in the camouflage of being Makua, or Koa’s, biggest fan. You even have downloads of Makua’s music constantly blasting from whatever speakers are near you. Even if you’re just walking down Ke Nui you play the music through your shitty smartphone speakers. You used to be a Mick Fanning fan and probably own a Micktory shirt.

Jamie O’Brien: Who is JOB? Only the coolest freaking dude in the world, says you. You love to party and you love anything that gives you a rush of adrenaline and dopamine. You grew up with some hook that made people want to be around and so you’ve been used to crowds of people your entire life. You make friends easily and sometimes you take advantage of that by abusing those friends and making them do really stupid things to entertain yourself. You love Jamie for constantly pushing the boundaries of what is possible at Pipeline and can’t wait for him to switch from a boogie to a SUP to a hydrofoil to body surfing and back again all while pounding a Red Bull and operating a GoPro.

Dane Reynolds: You’re Californian, or at least you pretend and act like you are, and that means you’re laidback, you’re chill, and you’re super easy to get along with. If you’re married with kids then your wife is beautiful and your kids are great. If you’re not, you could be but you’re waiting for the right woman to come along. You’re extremely good at what you do but because you’re not flashy and in-your-face about it people sometimes forget just how good you really are. Whatever your field, you constantly push the boundaries of what is possible regardless of any personal changes that may have happened.

Sunny Garcia/Kala Alexander/Dustin Barca: You’re honestly a bigger fan of UFC than surfing these days, which is why you love guys who can charge on a wave or in an alley. You never actually enjoy yourself surfing because you’re too busy watching for any perceived slight that gives you a chance to try and point someone to shore so you get to hit someone. You spend a lot of time watching YouTube videos of surfer fights and even if you live somewhere like Oregon, Maine, British Columbia, Alaska, or anywhere that has completely un-crowded lineups, you still try and police visitors like you’re 1970’s era Da Hui.  You’re actually very unhappy and wish that people would stop thinking of you as nothing but a thug.

Editor’s note: This story was written by Michael Kocher, the only BeachGrit writer, so far, to’ve run a fake cancer scam and to die in a police shootout.