Hey Chas, it's Mick, I'm sorry that I cannot be with you tonight. Rest well and feel better. When you awake, I'll be by your side."

Chas Smith: “Best! Fucking! Day! Ever!”

I’m back! Back with a screw in my motherfucking shoulder and a wobbly opioid spring in my step!

Mick Fanning, Kelly Slater and karma are all fucking losers ‘cuz baby, I’m back! Back with a screw in my motherfucking shoulder, wobbly opioid spring in my step and apparently Tourette’s.

Shit yeah!

Not even the world’s two best competitive surfers (pre-Brazilian Storm) and the World Surf League’s ingenious torture device could knock me from the surf journalism raft.

“Chas! Don’t be such a baby…” he wrote. “Laird got his hip replaced while he was conscious. Mick was almost attacked by a shark while HE was conscious. Do I need to tell you what Kelly has done while conscious? No! Don’t Goggans this! Shake it off!”

I was feeling very emotional at the thought of leaving you all yesterday but Nick Carroll knocked me straight.

“Chas! Don’t be such a baby…” he wrote. “Laird got his hip replaced while he was conscious. Mick was almost attacked by a shark while HE was conscious. Do I need to tell you what Kelly has done while conscious? No! Don’t Goggans this! Shake it off!”

Exactly what my ass needed to hear so up I woke at 5:00 am and not gentle I went into that good morning.

The stars were still twinkling overhead as I drove, listening to The Raveonettes’ Raven in the Grave and thinking, “I ain’t going into that grave like Goggans goes into Orange County Sheriff’s Departments ‘cuz Nick Carroll would think I’m a li’l poos!”

I checked in at the surgery center, put on my baby blue robe, had my hand poked with an IV then read uplifting trigger-free longboard stories and comments on my phone. 

Safe space achieved, bitches!

After that the doc came in, walked me through the procedure and told me to take druuuuugs.

I wondered, “What Would Nick Carroll do?” but didn’t have time to decide because a nurse said, “It’s go time…” and walked me down the hall to a cold room with very bright lights and one of those lethal injection beds in the middle.

I lay down and….

….woke up three hours later not even vomiting any blood, thinking I had just consumed a large gin and tonic. What miracle do they put in those fluid sacks these days? It was amazing and my head was clear as shit so I asked the nurse if she could fetch me my phone.

It was right then and right there that I read Derek’s reveal that Sin City is opening odds on professional surfing. 

Best! Fucking! Day! Ever!

And as soon as my perkaucet






Percocet wears off I’m driving to Vegas to get some more and lay 5000 of my wife’s money on Filipe.

I’ve got a lucky screw in my motherfucking shoulder and I can’t be stopped.

Are you a passionate but not very good surfer with a burning in your trousers?

Quiz: Do you make surf lies for pussy?

Do you tell girls you "air"? And "tube"?

I am no John. Nor am I Keanu Asing or even Glenn Hall.

A typical session for me consists of missing waves, sections and exits. And bogging. So much bogging. I surf, but I am only above-average in a crowded summer line-up filled with soft-tops. For the rest of the year I sit wide of the herd, waiting for leftovers. Waiting to eat.

To put it simply, I am trash. But at least I know I’m trash.

And usually, I would never claim to be more than I am. But, to garner the attention of the opposite gender, is over-exaggerating ones surfing ability ok?

She didn’t surf, but she like, totally loved surfers. They were super hot. I was a surfer. I was lonely. So here are some obscenities that exited my mouth. No lies, mind you. Only exaggerations.

Yes, I have done that thing where you surf inside the wave! 

*I pull in. I almost never come out.

Yes, actually, I totally can do that spinny thing in the air!  

*without my feet on the board.

Do I compete? No way! I shan’t be constrained to a jersey. I prefer creative lines. I prefer the free surfer life. 

*Creative bogging.

Am I sponsored? Of course!  

*I work at a surf school. They pay me. Sometimes I surf in uniform on break. Does that count?

The conversation then veered into a dark, dark place of douchebagery. I needn’t write what was said. But I’ll give you a hint. It was some Laird Hamilton-level shit.

So, is overstating your surfing ability acceptable when pursuing romance?

Or have I brought shame to my family?

Should I go full Freddy P and familiarise my board with a submerged rock?

John john florence kelly slater
John John: What I'm saying, Kelly, is you have a one-in-a-million chance of winning another world title. Maybe you oughta think about that. Kelly: So you're saying I have a… chance! YEAH! | Photo: WSL/Steve Sherman

Vegas Opens Market for 2018 World Title!

Bring life into your favourite sport with gambling!

Maybe you bet on surfing, maybe you don’t. Maybe it’s a geographical thing (sorry USA!), maybe it’s a philosophical thing.

It does add a certain excitement to an event or a year, howevs, more than Fantasy Surfer and its promise of a trip to Hawaii ever could.

Actual skin in the game.

Cue accelerated heart-rate. Cue weeping/cheering children as daddy brings home, loses, the family bacon.

Recently, the Vegas markets, yeah Vegas, all markets are created by machines spinning algorithms not people, dropped odds on the 2018 world title.

Ain’t no surprise, but how about we go shopping.

Favourite, John John Florence, 3.5-1: How confident are you John’s going to win three titles in a row? Stats say it’s almost a sure thing. Throw a hundred on it, wait a year and you might get $350.

4.40-1, Gabriel Medina: Three years since his world title, he’s almost on par with John. The ice man with eyebrows that’ve been plucked and drawn back on at a more rakish angle. Who weeps.

7-1, Filipe Toledo: Don’t tell me this doesn’t give you a shiver of the possibility of a big return. There’s nothing dim or hazy about Filipe, who could, without a surprise to anyone, win half the events on this year’s tour: Snapper, Rio, Keramas, J-Bay, Surf Ranch, France, Portugal. Wait, two-thirds of the tour’s events. Peel off a thousand bucks for an almost 10k return.

10-1, Jordy Smith: Big, beautiful Jordy turns thirty, wraps milestone year in a title. Can it happen? The markets say it’s not a long-shot but a mid-level fantasy, like a three-way with a couple of sixes.

41-1, Kolohe Andino: What’s that do for a boy’s confidence, when machines tell you you’re a virtual impossibility to win a title? But what point wallowing in the past? Is this the year of Kolohe Andino’s great, sweeping triumph? It could be yours, at an attractive 41-1-, if you’re a believer.

Other odds:

13-1: Julian Wilson.

17-1: Owen Wright.

19-1: Mick Fanning.

19 -1: Kelly Slater.

21-1: Italo Ferreira.

31-1: Adriano de Souza.

31-1: Joel Parkinson.

Click here to view the market! And to potentially throw away your money. Or maybe win a little more. 


torren martyn
The Byron Bay surfer Torren Martyn demonstrate the capability of blunt-nosed, wide-tail twin-fins in decent sorta waves.

Twin fins: Evil clowns that kill children!

Come watch Torren Martyn sneak off for furtive encounters.

Riding blunt-nosed, wide-tailed, twin-keeled surfboards is hardly a novelty, at least anymore.

What began as a kneeboard by San Diego shaper Steve Lis in 1967 was rebirthed in the nineties via Matt Biolos’ five-five round-nose-fish and Tommy Peterson’s Fireball Fish and refashioned over the last ten years into the pretty straight-railed, gloss-coated twins you see anywhere there’s a point or weak runners.

Now, the thing with these sorta boards is they give the beginner a palpable sense of ability where there is none. For the intermediate surfer they create a stance problem where the rider gradually moves forward to overcome the looseness of the wide tail and fin. Both levels are ruined on their backhand.

The good surfer, however, a performer like Torren Martyn from Byron Bay on Australia’s north coast, is able to manipulate the surfboard to perform even when it should, in theory, spin out.

In this four-minute short we see the six-foot-two Martyn riding a Simon Jones-shaped surfboard that is almost a full-foot shorter – and easily negotiating backside tubes.

“If you’ve got a big ol’ fin and a nice rail line on the side of the face, it’s going to work, right? You can push them pretty hard,” Torren told Surfer


The romantic notion of John John Florence winning back-to-back Pipe Master eight weeks apart, December 2018 and February 2019, crushed by Honolulu Council officialdom! | Photo: WSL/Tony Heff

Official: 2019 Pipe Tour Opener Cancelled!

Honolulu City closes door on any chance of a Pipe opener in 2019… 

Have you been following the permit-roundabout between the City and Council of Honolulu and the WCT?

The nut of the argument was this: the WSL wanted to open the 2019 tour with an event at Pipe.

Honolulu said the WSL turned in their form late and therefore, “The Department of Parks and Recreation must remain fair to those who followed the rules.”

Honolulu’s Mayor, Kirk Caldwell, followed that piece of pedantry with a testy, “However, WSL believes the city should grant their request without hesitation, outside of the established rules, because of their economic impact to the community.”

Anyway, confirmation just came that the WSL’s grand plan for a tour opener at Pipe in 2019 has been officially binned.

The WSL’s CEO, Ms Sophie Goldschmidt, whom I’ve met once and adored, responded in the sort of opaque speak that can only come from someone who has been immersed in the patois of the corporate world her entire life.

“We are disappointed we will not be able to run the 2019 Billabong Pipe Masters. However, we are pleased that the Mayor recognizes that fundamental changes are required to the permit process that will benefit Hawaiian surfing, the surfers, the community and other stakeholders. We will assist however we can during this process and once we understand the changes, we will be able to determine which events we can invest in bringing to Hawaii in winter 2019 and beyond.”

Permits were granted to these events.

HIC PRO – Sunset Beach – Oct. 27 – Nov. 9, 2018
HAWAIIAN PRO – Haleiwa – Nov. 12-24, 2018
VANS WORLD CUP OF SURFING – Sunset – Nov. 25 – Dec. 6, 2018
BILLABONG PIPE MASTERS – Ehukai – Dec. 8-20, 2018
SUNSET OPEN – Sunset Beach – Jan. 18-28, 2019
VOLCOM PIPE PRO – Ehukai – Jan 29 – Feb. 10, 2019

Which raises the question, does it not, why can’t the Volcom Pipe Pro be lifted from a WQS event to a WCT event?

Easy enough, yes? A few scratches on a keyboard, a new press release, a change in event bunting etc.

Ah, but according to Honolulu, the law doesn’t allow switcharoos and therefore the Volcom Pro must remain the Volcom Pro.

Do you love bureaucracy as much as me (ie. not a lot)?

Where do you think the tour opener next year will be?

The WSL says it’s in negotiations for a new location and, therefore, can’t comment.

How about we take a wild guess?

Where’s good late February?