This morning I read a complete evisceration of
the film director Quintin Tarantino by the very sharp writer Jim
Goad and it gave me quite a pause.There I sat, at my desk, pausing
then wondering if I should re-order my general outlook and let’s
chew on some choice bits together before discussing.
And that’s Tarantino’s main problem—he’s empty. Hopelessly
postmodern. Incurably ironic. And entirely safe. He’s a slobbering,
drooling, film-school nerd who stuffs his movies full of bloodshed
and curse words, apparently hoping no one will notice the Uber-geek
behind the camera who’s likely wearing either panties or diapers.
He bears the unmistakably soft air of someone who’s never been
punched in the face. For all of his films’ alleged danger and
violence, it’s always seemed barkingly obvious to me that he’s a
twerpy fake who’d burst into tears if he chipped a fingernail. He’s
an emblem of a generation which truly knows nothing beyond pop
culture and gets nearly all of its “life experiences” from a
screen.
Oof! A punch maybe not to the face but right into the guts of a
whole generation but which generation, I wondered? Is this a
terrible mirror held to the face of Gen X? The Millennials? Both?
It seems mostly millennial with the knowing “nothing beyond
pop culture” and “getting nearly all of its life experiences from a
screen” but that could be my pride speaking.
But surfing. There are three generations in the water right now.
Baby Boomers, Generation X and the Millennials but which is the
worst? I used to think the Greatest Generation (pre-Baby Boom)
would never be topped for sheer arrogance and shit candy but that
was before the Millennials matured. Their safe space, pudgy
misguided social justice rage, limp leftism lack of self-awareness
is very painful.
But, and here is why I paused, I like Quentin Tarantino films. I
like almost all of them and love Pulp Fiction so…. does this make
the Millennials ok? Does this mean Gen X is the worst? Or the
Boomers?
Which is surfing’s greatest generation?
Help!
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Meet: Olympic surfing’s twin flame!
By Balyn McDonald
Which sport should surfing mirror to reach maximum
Olympic success? Ice prancing!
This week, while dipping in to the spectacle
that is the PyeongChang Winter Olympics, I had an epiphany. Between
back-to-back-fourteens, Luge moose-knuckles and Australian
disappointment, my mind invariably wandered back to surfing; what
will ‘Olympic Surfing’ even look like?
How will the world see our sport?
Personally, I maintain two simultaneous and opposing beliefs
regarding surfing at the Olympics:
1. Surfers understand that surfing is more than the sum of
its parts. Those post-NDA articles that flooded the surfing world
on Feb. 1st were almost universally scrambling to point out that
surfing is not merely a product that can be replicated in a
man-made pool. Wavepools are a shit-ton of fun, but they aren’t
‘surfing’.
2. Most of us secretly want Olympic Surfing to do well. Not
necessarily as well as the WSL aspires, with prime-time network
spots and a growing inland fan base, but well enough to not make us
look like complete fuckwits on the world stage. Modestly well.
Face-savingly well.
So we’re stuck. The harsh reality of a flat waiting period
during July in Japan means that Olympic surfing will almost
definitely require a wavepool to succeed. For the purpose of this
article, I’m buying the rumours and taking the pool as a given.
Maybe it would appease the core surf fans if we called wave pool
surfing by another name? Skateboarding has street, ramp and
freestyle living side-by-side within the shade of their cultural
umbrella. Why can’t we have surfing, pool surfing and
fucking-foil-boarders?
I looked to established Olympic sports to see what works;
finding an effective format here, discovering a fair-but-subjective
scoring system there, and building a Frankenstein’s Monster that
could make Olympic Surfing palatable for the villagers and
scientists alike.
The obvious starting point is snowboarding; it’s a board sport
that has successfully become an Olympic staple. They use a
subjective judging system with the highest and lowest scores
dropped. They focus on areas such as difficulty, variety,
progression and execution. They even have a refreshing honesty
about their judging process:
There is no true universal consensus on “deductions” or how to
determine an exact score. More than anything, scores are a means to
an end – a way for judges to accurately position athletes on the
leaderboard.
For example, the very first athlete to compete might sometimes
receive what’s deemed to be a “low” score, relatively speaking.
This is simply because judges, who have to evaluate the run they
just witnessed against theoretical runs they think might occur
later on, need to leave themselves cushioning to account for other
competitors. (In other words, you will likely never see a rider
score a perfect 100 unless they are the final athlete to take a
run.)
The WSL could learn a thing or two about transparency from our
snowboarding pals.
Unfortunately, snowboarding is almost entirely about what’s
happening in the air, with little room in its judging criteria for
the balance between surfing in and above the water. We need more
nuance in our judging.
So, I cast the net wider. I looked at other judged Olympic
sports and tried to find the set of criteria that best suited our
sport. Then, when I was losing hope, an unlikely saviour
arrived.
Taste this small sample and tell me we haven’t found our shining
beacon of Olympic success:
Surfing Skills
Defined by overall cleanness and sureness, rail control and flow
over the wave surface demonstrated by a command of the surfing
vocabulary (barrels, airs, turns etc.), the clarity of technique
and the use of effortless power to accelerate and vary speed.
In evaluating the Surfing Skills, the following must be
considered:
•Use of deep barrels, big airs, critical turns;
•Balance, rhythmic action and precision of board placement;
•Flow and glide;
•Varied use of power, speed and acceleration;
•Use of multi directional surfing (lefts and rights);
•Use of progression.
And they continue:
Transitions
The varied and purposeful use of intricate manoeuvres, body
positions, and style that links all elements.
In evaluating the Transitions, the following must be
considered:
•Continuity of movements from one element to another;
•Variety;
•Difficulty;
•Quality.
Sounds perfect, right?
And to which noble Olympic sport do we owe such complementary
criteria? Diving? Synchronised swimming? Trampoline?
No.
Ice Dancing.
All I had to do was swap ‘skate’ for ‘surf’ and ‘blade’ for
‘board’ and voilà: I had the blueprint for Olympic surfing.
Figure Skating possesses a set of judging criteria so
beautifully suited to pool surfing that you’d think it was scribed
by Richie Porta Pritamo Ahrendt himself. More so, it celebrates a
new opportunity that traditional surfing contests have overlooked
for far too long, something that could launch Olympic surfing
beyond the briny backwaters of coastal towns and into the hearts
and malls of the American mid-west:
Interpretation of the Music / Timing
The personal, creative, and genuine translation of the rhythm,
character and content of music to movement on water.
In evaluating the Interpretation of the Music (/Timing), the
following must be considered:
•Movement and manoeuvres in time to the music (Timing);
•Expression of the music’s character / feeling and rhythm, when
clearly identifiable;
•Use of finesse to reflect the details and nuances of the
music;
• Surfers reflecting the character and rhythm of the music;
•Keeping a good balance between surfing to the beat and melody.
Music! Finesse! Routines!
If surfing in a wavepool for an Olympic medal doesn’t represent
surfing, then it sure as hell needs to represent the Olympics. A
consistent and reliable wave source allows for the type of planned
routines that are otherwise impossible. And with that comes the
opportunity for music, for routines, for costumes. For
spectacle.
Just imagine the glorious vision of Filipe Toledo, sporting a
decorative-yet-masculine lycra bodysuit as he waits for the pulsing
drums of Motörhead’s Overkill to signal the start of his wave. He’d
stroke his way into a flawless right-hander and run through a
manic-yet-well-rehearsed wave dancing routine while fans lap up
every delicious second from the bleachers. Filipe would deliver a
genuine translation of the rhythm, character and content of music
to movement on water. And Lemmy would, for one brief moment, return
to us, resurrected through the violent poetry of Filipe’s
surfing.
And Slater? Oh, he would defy both his age and retirement to
produce a perfect physical duet to a live, side-of-pool performance
from Eddy Vedder. Eddy’s music and lyrics would have been honed
through hours of secret rehearsals alongside the King of the
wavepool, providing such a seamless union between surfing and music
that Jack Johnson would slit his wrists with puka shells in
shame.
Medina could dirty things up to pumping UK grime beats on one
wave, before showing the world his softer side with a
smooth-as-armpit interpretation of Lembra on the next.
Would Jordy blast Darude’s Sandstorm while throwing down superman
airs and new-school claims with abandon? Or would he fly stealth?
It’s so hard to know until we see it.
Try the game yourself: What would Adriano have as his music? Which
hat would Conner Coffin wear to accentuate his costume? Who could
synchronise with the fastest bpm?
With Ice Dancing as our Olympic guide, the possibilities are
endless.
Oh, and for the purists I have a new name by which my
Frankenstein’s Monster can be differentiated from our original
sport: wave dancing.
You’re welcome.
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Bet: Adriano de Souza to make you
rich!
By Chas Smith
Adriano de Souza has a hot tip for you!
I am very excited about this 2018 running of
the World Surf League’s Championship Tour and mostly because this
year we can win vast wealth through betting real money on the pros.
Oh I know that you’ve been able to do this in Australia for years
and have wonderful friends who have financed obscene lifestyles
through their winnings and I know that the nascent UK surf betting
scene is ripe as well but this year we can do in the United States
too.
We can stop pretending that there is any dignity in playing
fantasy sport and do what true degenerates have done for decades,
centuries even.
Gamble.
First, as usual, comes the Gold Coast but it is a little too far
off still to make quality assessments and so let us first pick who
will with the 2018 title. Now, the smart money says John John or
Gabriel Medina but the smart money also doesn’t pay. John John’s
odds are currently 3.5 – 1 while Gab is 4.4 – 1. You would have to
spend a fortune to make a little and that’s not exciting. That’s
not why we’re here. We need a dark horse, a work horse, and can you
think of anyone who fits this bill more than the Li’l Plumber?
Of course you cannot.
Adriano de Souza, who already has one world title under the
carry-all, is still young-ish (just recently turning 31) and,
according to the World Surf League, carries great hope. From the
League’s
website:
…unlike some of the flashy scene-stealers who push the
boundaries of what’s possible on a piece of foam, De Souza is all
power and grit. Instead of jaw-dropping airs and innovation, he’s
built his long and stable career (that’s 12 years and counting on
the CT) with the kind of head-down work ethic that’s part of his
DNA.
Other Brazilians from the the generation on his heels —
think Gabriel Medina and Filipe Toledo — garner both awe and
obsession, of the sort reserved for boy-bands and living geniuses.
Instead, what De Souza inspires is less sporty showmanship than
delight. Most of all, he stands for hope.
Yes, all power, BeachGrit and hope. A trifecta. And with the
odds a current 31-1 how can you go wrong? Tell me this isn’t the
best bet to make. Tell me with a straight face.
Click sidebar if you live in Australia or get ready for a Vegas
roady if you live in the United States. I’m going soon and you can
hitch a ride!
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Stab ed assault: “Lame! A
non-altercation!”
By Derek Rielly
Listen, and now watch, The Grit with David Lee
Scales and Charlie Smith.
Last Thursday, BeachGrit’s Charlie
Smith joined the broadcaster David Lee Scales for
their semi-regular show The Grit, once a podcast, now
a video hybrid.
Charlie, who is forty-one years old and lives at
Cardiff-by-the-Sea near San Diego, was dressed in proportion to his
physique while David Lee threw all proportion into the wind with a
haircut that reveals, I think, a man who is conservative by nature,
checkered shirts rolled up to the elbows and so on, but who likes
to join his “buddies” for motorcycle rides on the weekends.
“This was super lame, this was a joke, a non-altercation” David
Lee says he told the investigating detective.
“It’s the final chapter in a tawdry book. It was embarrassing,”
says Charlie. “But I had to write about it because I feel that
BeachGrit is an open book.
There’s no back room where things are getting thrashed out and no
matter how tawdry or embarrassing it is to us, we embrace it.”
Also on the episode are sex-bots…
Kelly Slater the grammar teacher,
And, the Hawaiian-WSL imbroglio, rollerskating Tom Curren and
more.
Watch here.
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Revealed: Surfers love “the green
room!”
By Chas Smith
The fabled space inside a barrelling wave!
So I’ve had the best ever literary ideas since
Friday. Works of Pulitzer-prize winning art dance upon the
strangely creased blue pills but I can’t move fast enough to
scribble them all down and they mostly disappear. There was
something about the First Lady of the United States that I was
going to write in the style of Beowulf. An epic olde world poem
that is mostly unintelligible but in that good “unintelligible
because it’s real smart” kinda way.
There was something else about John John Florence and Gabriel
Medina’s competitive relationship done up as a musical. Like
Hamilton. And the dancing favela scene will be a showstopper but
the quiet moment when John John is on a sailboat singing to the
moon and Gabriel is in the shower shaving his pits but singing to
the same moon is going to make the audience weep.
Two different worlds
We live in two different worlds
For we’ve been told
That a love like ours could never be
So far apart
They say we’re so far apart
And that we haven’t the right
To change our destiny
When will they learn
That a heart doesn’t draw the line
Nothing matters if I am yours
And you are mine.
Then there was something else about a surfer who gets a hip
replacement before ever getting barreled but makes it his mission,
post-op, to experience. This coming of age tale would be masterful
but then realized that I hadn’t actually thought it up but read it
in the UK’s Spectator underneath the greatest Percocet
title ever.
Surfing has come of age. Like rock and roll, it was once
strictly for young people, edgy and alternative and physically way
too demanding for anyone over the age of 27. But those young people
grew up and they’re still at it. For millennials it’s hard to
maintain a sense of cool when your parents are heaving their boards
into the same breaks and when, according to the marketing people,
there are upwards of 35 million surfers worldwide, in a sector
that’s worth at least $10 billion per year.
Iain Gately has also reached a certain age; he has had a hip
replacement. The Secret Surfer is the account of his hobbling
progress back into action, back towards the head-high face of a
breaking wave. He had always been a competent surfer, but had never
gained access to the green room, the fabled space inside a
barrelling wave where — if you time it just right, if you position
yourself correctly between the crest and the base — you find
yourself enveloped in a translucent tunnel of water, zooming
towards the shrinking light. It is one of those places on earth
where lives are changed, like the summit of certain mountains,
after which nothing else comes close.