Watch: Mark Healey in “My Secret Garden!”

"Villainising GM foods is asinine," says filmmaker Cyrus Sutton.

Women of a certain advanced age will get the title of this story. It refers, as none of you know or me until recently, to the Nancy Friday book My Secret Garden, an explosive collection of female sexual fantasies that was released in 1973.

Let’s read a couple of quotes for context:

“Rape does for a woman’s sexual fantasy what the first martini does for her in reality: both relieve her of responsibility and guilt.”

“Who said “ladies” don’t use words like “fuck” and “cunt,” or that one doesn’t use them around “ladies”? Maybe not when you’re having lunch with a lady, but when a lady’s fucking, she’s not having lunch.”

And the compelling fantasy?

Madge is a married woman, who has a very detailed fantasy she eagerly shares with Friday.

“I find myself at the door of a big house,” she begins.

 A black man, and a ‘buxom’ black woman invite her into their home. She is dragged into a room with a large male dog and a young man.

“I am ordered to strip naked,” Madge recounts, and the man says “Let’s see what you’ve got.”

(Read the long-form version of that here: Friday Nancy – My secret garden)

But we come not for Nancy nor the erotic liberation of women, but the liberation of big-waver Mark Healey’s garden in the hills behind the North Shore. The filmmaker and #vanlife doyen, Cyrus Sutton, has made this short about Healey’s little garden being transformed by a group called “Permablitz.”

“The past three years I was making a documentary about food sovereignty in Hawaii called Island Earth,” says Cyrus. “The project took me away from beach culture and introduced me to the backyard farming movement across the islands. A group called ‘Permablitz’ on Oahu really impressed me. It’s a reciprocal gardening network that combines hands-on small-scale farming education with a party. If you participate in three events flush with local food, music and garden building, you become eligible for the ‘party’ to come to your house. At the end of the day you’ll walk away with a new garden in your backyard and a working knowledge of how maintain it and cultivate food for yourself and your neighbors. I gardening is typically seen as a menial task and I like these folks were breathing some fun into it.”

Is it a rail against the evils of genetically modified foods?

“It’s not exactly railing against genetically modified foods,” says Cyrus.

I know you’re a realist as much as an idealist. Some GM foods are good, yes? Increased yields etc? What’s the bad side o’ things?

“GM foods are a technology, villainising any technology is asinine,” says Cyrus. “I have issues with how the technology is being used right now but I think GMO’s have potential to solve some problems.”

Describe Healey (last seen on these pages pushing his barrow in a feud against Depactus founder Luke Egan).

“He’s just a no-bullshit, hard working guy who like to fish, hunt and surf. He cares about self-reliance and thinks the world would be a better place if everyone took stake in their realities and endeavored to improve them.”

And the take-out from the film?

“A lot of the food we eat is imported from a long ways away. We can work together to improve the quality and impact of our food by coming together to learn, share and reap the nutritious rewards in a fun way.”

Enter: The big wave contest for us!

Your plus-sized dreams are about to come true!

Have you ever fantasized about entering a big wave contest? Maybe it’s late at night and you’ve had many drinks/much cocaine and you think, “You know what? I could do it. I could totally enter Maverick’s/Jaws/The Eddie/Belharra etc. I can paddle, I can go straight and I ain’t afraid of nothing.” Maybe it’s midday and you happen to catch a round of Nazaré action at your local pizza place and you think, “Look at that mushburger. I could take it.”

But let’s be honest. You and I are not really cut out for big wave surfing. We can’t hold our breaths very long and our shoulders pop out of socket when we try and paddle with force. Am I right? Well I was right until this very moment and all thanks to Florida.

The Sunshine State is proudly hosting the Salt Life Food Shack Florida Big Wave Challenge and we’ve got a shot!

The rules are simple per the contest website.

Challenge Dates: July 15 – November 1, 2018
Participants must Register to win.
Teams consist of one surfer and one photographer.
Winners will be announced at the Awards Party at Salt Life Food Shack in Jacksonville Beach, FL on November 18, 2017. Must be present to win.

Got that? So you just have to go bag a sick wave in Florida this coming summer/autumn and get the shot to prove it. I think good. I think we could win. I think next time it’s late at night and you’ve had many drinks/much cocaine you could tell everyone that you are a big wave champion and everyone will be impressed.

Register here!

Gimme: The velvety pipes of Todd Richards!

Snowboarding's Todd Richards is the answer to WSL commentary woes!

The World Surf League’s 2018 season will commence next month and, before last night, I had completely given up on any changes to the announcing crew. Oh you’ve read the gentle prodding directed toward the booth here for years. Like when the great surf historian Matt Warshaw wrote: “Martin Potter’s jaw-grinding voice sounds as if its been filtered through six espresso shots and a migraine headache.” And “Turpel hurts me on a both a professional and personal level.”

But what are we going to do? Every season the prodding gets less and less and less because I’ve lost hope. Complete and utter hope. The WSL is not going to change the lineup and, what’s even worse, before last night I couldn’t even imagine who they could/should introduce. Sal Masekela is too satisfied with his pro surfer friendships, Wassel too hyped, Todd Kline has gone fishing and Trippie Redd is busy leaning. Cote might be great but as a color man not the anchor that holds it all down.

There is no anchor to hold it all down. No savior.

Until last night.

I was watching Olympic snowboarding, you see, and into my ears flooded the velvety pipes of Todd Richards. He is NBC’s “man on the mountain” and was knowledgeable, authoritative, intelligent. He mixed the exact right amount of insider information with helpful beginner explanation all in a rich baritone. He knew when to talk and knew when to shut his mouth, letting the moment breathe.

And he’s handsome. Like, a more masculine/less pudgy Mexican nativity cherub version of Joe Turpel.

“So what?” you say. “Todd Richards ain’t no surfer…”

And I almost lunge across the coffee table right at you because yes he is. Todd Richards lives very near to me in bucolic North County San Diego, surfs often and well. He knows all the grabs, he knows all the jams off the top and squirts off the bottom. He knows it all and I don’t know how this very obvious solution had not become obvious to me before last night.

Todd Richards is the answer to all our surf commentary problems and we should all email the World Surf League’s Santa Monica office today and demand his inclusion. Maybe let’s try [email protected] and if that doesn’t work I’ll give you Dave Prodan’s phone number.

No stressed sharks in Australia. There's a population boom! | Photo: What Youth

12,000 Great Whites Off Oz East Coast!

Glamorous apex predator bounces back from "near extinction"!

Few things give me more pleasure than watching the increasing abundance, the health as they say, of Australia’s Great White population.

I remember in the late nineties when Jacques-Yves Cousteau’s kid, Jean-Michel, the frumpy one and not the glamorous pilot Philippe, came to South Australia, said “Oowee, ain’t no Whites left”, put the government in a panic and shortly after, Whites were off the fishing list.

Now, a one-and-a-half-million-dollar survey by the Australian government agency the CSIRO puts the population of adult Great Whites off the Australian east coast at 5460, give or take a few, and you can add another seven thousand or so if you put the juveniles in there.

Off Margs and so forth, there are 1460 adults and an indeterminate number of juveniles.

From the Sydney Morning Herald,

The project is part of the federal government’s National Environmental Science Programme Marine Biodiversity Hub.

In recent years, shark attacks off the north coast of NSW prompted the deployment of “smart” drumlines and a shark net trial, raising conservation fears.

Shark nets operate at more than 50 NSW beaches in the warmer months, and have been known to kill great whites and other species.

Queensland also deploys nets and drumlines covering 85 beaches.

In Western Australia in 2014, the former Liberal government established “kill zones” near beaches and surf breaks, allowing sharks to be caught and destroyed. The policy was dumped after a public outcry and advice from environment officials.

Humane Society International marine scientist Jessica Morris said up to a decade of research was needed to determine how white sharks were being affected by overfishing, habitat degradation and shark control programs before decisions could be made about removing protections.

“Sharks are incredibly important for healthy ecosystems, and our government needs to be informed about the nature and necessity of these species,” she said.

“There are many studies showing killing sharks does not make our beaches safer.”

West Australian senator Linda Reynolds said the larger west coast white shark population meant “there must be an honest and informed discussion about whether great whites still need to be considered a protected species”.

She said sharks had killed 15 people in her state since 2000, compared to one death at protected beaches in NSW and Queensland in 50 years.

A suite of measures including nets and drum lines should be considered for the west coast, Senator Reynolds said.

“Environmental ideology has been allowed to take over … Human lives must come before fish,” she said.

Now, this is a slight digression, but I’m not veering too far off the topic. Jacques-Yves Cousteau’s first movie was called Le Monde du Silence and it thrilled the world with its sharks, dolphins etc.

But, watch! He dynamites fish, stabs sharks and so many other fun things which are certainly not kosher today.

Watch here.

Brave little Indonesian-Australian surfer Bronson Meidy photographed some time ago at Riz's Java resort. He was eleven! | Photo: @desalimasan

Gimme: $US1 Mill Hunk of Beachfront Java!

It fronts a perfect righthander!

Do you have one million dollars? I do, but cannot access this windfall for seven-and-a-half years, which is well into the sunset of my life. It’s a long story and typical of financial decisions I make on a whim or while riven with guilt.

Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Anyway, if this money was available, which it isn’t hence a post last week begging for bar work, or if you had the money, do you think it would be a good decision to buy one hectare of gorgeous beachfront land in Java?

The question arose yesterday when a friend, who has a friend with this land, told me about the sale. The parcel is next to the surf resort Rizal Tanjung built with his father-in-law  in the East Javanese village of Watu Kerung. 

From Rizal’s resort’s website:

Rizal Tandjung first discovered the potential beauty of Watu Karung back in 2009 when a friend took him surfing there. Rizal was amazed and blown away by the pristine, serene beach with its special landscape and rocks out in the ocean. One rock cliff in particular, stood out because of its “Sphinx”-like features, or depending on where you stand or how you look at it, it could resemble a princess or a baby’s face.What really made an impression to Rizal was its powerful waves, it reminded him of surfing in Hawaii. These waves made his pro surfer friends such as Kelly Slater, Bruce Irons and Josh Kerr (just to name a few) also come to experience Watu Karung. A photo of Bruce Irons made it on the cover of a surfing magazine and he mentioned it was “the last secret spot”. Many other photo’s and stories about WaKa eventually cicrulated in different surf mags which put it more on the spot. The goal is to slowly build up the place over time to become the beach retreat they dreamed of. Time is not a factor, they don’t want to rush “art”.

Now, this hunk of land which is for sale sounds dreamy enough.

From its owner:

Watukarung is an upcoming surfer village close to Pacitan, East Java. Indonesian Surf Champion and mentor Rizal Tanjung was the first to buy, we were the second, and so many followed. There is no beachfront or just behind beachfront land left, the hype has fully started. It is safe to say that this little spot there will develop into something like Uluwatu or Padang Padang because the waves are world class, people with the required networks have invested and are promoting. Rizal has built a resort that he naturally promotes with his name, Indonesian surf champions Marlon Gerber and Pepen Hendrix also have their holiday homes. Its so cool, from our house you paddle out to the right.

These are the coordinates:,110.97205665,6.34825714a,801.5049343d,35y,170.75891204h,0t,0r

Or you just type in Watukarung in the search field of Google earth. I am sending you the screenshot with property boundaries attached. You see our land is straight in front of the righthander and just another 5 minute paddle across the channel to the lefthander. The beach belt of the peninsula belongs to Indonesia, just as any beach.

Our property consists of a part A which is beachfront and a part B which is adjacent to A just separated by a small public walkway. The rate for A (beachfront ) currently is at IDR 2 million per square meter, B (next row behind beachfront) is at IDR 1 million per square meter. Those prices are one tenth of Bali Canggu prices as by 2017.

A: Prime beach front at the wave. Land pieces 5 (3.500m) and 6 (1.236m) which total to 4.736m. Price: 4.736 x 2 million = 9.5 billion IDR

B: Next row behind beachfront. Land pieces 1,2,3,4 total to 4.352m. Price: 4.352m x 1 million = 4.35 billion IDR. The back of the property is a small hill from where you can overlook the whole bay and see the righthander, if the wind blows the coconut trees to the side you can also see the left. 

The total property value would be 9.5 + 4.35 = 13.85 billion IDR which is roughly one million dollars. 

In case the buyer opts only for land A (pieces 1,2,3,4) it is fine for us however land B (5,6) we only sell together with land A all in one go.

USP: We have the IMB (building permit) and legal docs to run a resort. Architectual plans are all ready. We do not charge anything, this is the bonus for the buyer. FYI hardly any other person in the village has the proper permits to build let alone run an accommodation business. Note that the position of the houses in the plan is more than 100m from the beach, so this IMB is waterproof, it corresponds to Indonesian law.

This is what I would do with the land.

I would build an all-white (colour not race) cubist resort here with chromium and leather Italian furniture, own only Pyzel Ghosts, ship in a woman (‘en) with breasts like ski jumps from the Pyeongchang Games, a basketball ass and a little round tummy and hair that is dark at the roots but turns yellow towards the end and die the happiest man. If I had the money. Which I don’t. Instead, down and out in Bondi.

You? Would you buy?

(Email [email protected] if you want to get pointed at the owner. Maybe I’ll get a little commission!)