Surfing ain't a sport so who cares!
It was officially announced, just hours ago, that history’s winningest surfer, Kelly Slater, will not be surfing in the Rip Curl Bells Beach Classic due to a nagging broken foot. His statement, short and sweet, reads:
I think it’s best that I properly rehabilitate the injury and choose to surf wholeheartedly. I’ll be back when the time is right.
Rip Curl, the company best known for using North Korean slave labor to stitch boardshorts, will sorely miss his presence seeing as tickets are sold for the event and a Kelly-less draw equates to 18 fewer ticket sales.
Kelly Slater also withdrew, at the very last minute, from the Gold Coast event which was won by Julian Wilson.
Now, here is the thing. In any other sport this sort of “I-am-old-and-got-hurt-but-was-once-a-star-and-so-people-still-dream-that-I-will-come-back-from-this-injury-and-blow-doors-like-I-used-to-except-they-always-forget-that-I-am-old-and-old-people-don’t-do-nothing-but-complain-about-entitlements-and-wish-for-the-way-things-used-to-be-but-whatever-I’ll-keep-pretending-I-can-soar-because-A)-I-am-competitive-and-really-believe-I’ve-got-something-left-in-the-tank-and-B)-I-wants-that-money-bitch” thinking really drives me crazy because no old star ever comes back and shines. Old athletes are the anchor of any team and I don’t mean anchor in the “holding-the-team-together” kind of way but the “dragging-everyone-to-the-damn-ocean-floor” kind.
But, and here is the thing. Professional surfing is not a sport and professional surfers are not athletes.
So.
I have zero problem believing that Kelly Slater will take this year to heal his foot, come back fresh next year and win a title at 48. When that happens the WSL will be almost screwed because geriatrics aren’t a great market but that bridge can be crossed another day. Right? I mean, the lamestream media will go on and on and on about how old Kelly is etc. but what they should go on and on and on about is how easy surfing is. Not easy to learn, obvs, and not easy to push through that hideous intermediate plateau but if any man or woman has the genetic superiority for consistent air landings and big barrel ridings than they can surf until they die.
Right?
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You are mentally disturbed… Up down left right, listening to you is like pulling teeth.
Did it sail though? Or did Kelly work the back channels and force a new format where he simply needs to make the top 10 for a boat ride to the Ments, big perfect tubes, and a few good heats to win number 12?
From where I’m sitting he looks like he is skipping half the year, waiting for the events he likes, and looking to qualify for next year and make a run at the “superbowl” title.
HGH brotha doubt they even test for it in the World Shitshow League…
I love the attached pic of Kelly; there is so much more style if you in showing some hair instead of total shaving which lacks creativity and leads to bland uniformity.
Something about ‘Impervious Blonde’ hints at being “well-preserved”, though we appreciate the confirmation.
✅.je suis très ému.
Great surfer wrong country.
That pic of kelly slater is weird / psycho like those videos where its a calm stream, or something chill like birds or a reggae person smoking a joint.
And about 3 minutes into it comes the explosion of high pitched string instruments, an elephant trumpet, and a shake teeth fillings loose bass bomb with Kelly’s pic creeping at you.
It all scares the shit out of you and forces you to purchase a new monitor after punching the original one.
Remember when they crowned him champion and then he found out he didn’t have enough and told them, and Bobby Martinez got his awesome laugh on and calling them wannabe Tennis tour out.
Good times.
Have you thought of a suitable nom de plume for your part in this production ?I thought of Baudelaire and Fleur du Mal(ibu) or Pagnol’s Manon de sauce. As they say go hard or go home .
I remember last year when Steve Zeldin insisted on this very site that Kelly has more titles in him and I laughed at him. I was right and he was wrong, nanabooboo.
Pre-foot fuck he had plenty left in the tank. Does anyone doubt his drive or talent? Valid excuse now if he never returns to competition. But he will. His latest edit is red-fukken Hot..No?!
but that’s old age. One injury turns into two. It’s why the greats fade away in every sport – the talent is there but the body just can’t do it. His longevity is astounding, but he’s not above the laws of nature no matter how many ice baths he takes.
I dont question the decision. I question the method. Why did he just not show up for the first round heat at Snapper and leave the WSL and Michael February hanging? Michael could have had a chance to win the first round. *puzzling until my puzzler is sore*
Right
When do we start shooting?
Close. Hank.
let’s just say the coffee tables aren’t the only things that’ll be distressed.
Look you colossal donkeys, this event is Mick’s farewell event. At Bells, Mick is more beloved than any pro surfer ever. People will travel thousands of miles to weep on the beach as he rides his final wave in competition. They will prostrate themselves before him and clutch at his Flashbomb. All else will be forgotten including Kelly’s non-presence.
You know, one could easily rearrange those words to create a plot description of a porn film.
Mick Fanning is more beloved than Slatah?!?? Your Australocentric statement notwithstanding, I think you may be right about the crowd and its worshipfulness and the significance and grace of The Mickster, Mr. Carroll. But I dont think Mick had anything to do with KS’s decision.
And after Bells, Mick will be forgotten. All’s well that ends well I say.
Will Chas’s ostrich skin souls be shining as he prostrates toward the “White Lightning” moments before his paddle out?
Wave Ranch is in May and September…priorities.
25kg box of blue mackerel stuffed into the space between the walls
prawns
Need to illustrate to them the ridiculousness by pushing it to the limits. Build a full on post-soviet era eastern euro looking apartment bloc complete with illegible graffiti and bullet holes.. a la the scene from eurotrip where that dude takes them to Bratislava. Truly shabby-chic.
Perhaps that’s what Kelly is all about.. beating father time. Both in the sense of the symbolic force that ages us and in the responsibilities of having a child (im aware his is already grown). Long story short, Kelly’s exploring all possible methods of self-preservation including cryo, cloning, and organ harvesting.