11x World Champ seeks to take out St. Archer, Balter, Parkinsuds and other surf beer start-ups!
Anyone who has spent time in greater Los Angeles is certainly aware of the 405 freeway. The magnificent road stretches from Lake Forest in Orange County runs all the way to the Granada Hills in what used to be the pornography capital of the world. Most people dislike the 405 due its congestion etc. but I love because it is always good people watching and guess who I saw today.
Kelly Slater!
Not in person, of course, but on a giant billboard up near Culver City. Kelly was advertising Michelob Ultra Pure Gold beer made with Organic Grains. I can’t find the image online but he was in a WSL singlet getting very tubed and it really made me think. How many “organic grains” must you have in beer in order to claim “organic grains?” 10%? 20%? Does “organic” matter when things are turned into alcohol? Is “organic” beer healthy?
It also really made me think about Kelly as a pitchman. Someone here in the comments, I wish I could remember who, called him the worst pitchman of all time. That he would never ever ever buy any product that Kelly was selling from K traction pads and leashes to Purps to VSTR to OuterKnown to, I’m assuming, Michelob Ultra Pure Gold beer made with Organic Grains.
Yes, whoever wrote that was very wise.
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That photo is so many kinds of awful. The gaze that is half neo religious zeal, half glee at pocketing money and being in the spotlight; the bland outfit that screams “I don’t know how to dress myself – I have a bot for that!”.
Pretty sure Purps is out of business, website now turns up nothing.
The most piss-like of all American beers. He should have just spun ‘Purps’ into some fruity craft beer abomination.
I wouldn’t buy warm beer, that’s for sure!
Watched Gary Busey for an hour on VH1 tell me how he drifted, but can now see the light. Not 2 months later, I walk out of the 4 Seasons in Toronto and see him on the other corner in front of a cigar shop jammed out of his mind, ranting to anyone who would listen. Iv’e read in the book how he’s not a big drinker, getting hurt trying to steal Kalani with a beer buzz, and how his father acted. Really surprised to see him spruik beer.
I just finished reading the new Tiger Woods book, Kelly is a God damn saint
I can recall when Tiger was squeaky clean, it’s amazing what a little journalism can do to someone’s public image!
Organic Tool ? Most humans ? Just one big jumble of organic compounds ruled by some sort of evolutionary biological algorithm making a horrible mess of it most of the time , in and out of the water ,myself included, slaves to the replication of DNA for the last 3.8 billion years ?
Where is BG BEER? fruity hops!?
I would post a piccy of the label i drew but you nazis took away such freedoms!
Remember they stole it from the Hindus .
Who stole it from the yakutas!
Yes Angel it’s all just a little bit of history repeating as Shirley Bassey and the Propeller Heads told us it would .( ps F’in Nazis really fucked it up ).What happened to the cat ?
Propellerheads! I was listening to Decksanddrumsandrockandroll last saturday on my way for a surf! Take California would make a good soundtrack for Slater’s advertising!
yes – epic song good psyche up for a surf!!!
Acid od
Opening the doors of perception or suffering the feline condition of having too many lives ?
too many doors of perception with nine lives
Surely the Beach Grit beer would be a limited micro brew bitter that has a taste that hints at the middle aged surf zeitgeist and artisan cocaine and a smell of palmers cool water wax and gucci horse bit loafers.
I’ll take a keg of that.
FUCK!!! ‘Organic’ only means it contains carbon. I hate this hippy-woo bullshit.
You da Man Channelbottom . Telling it like it is ! Carbon the Party Animal of the Molecular world we live in .
OOOH! But OOOOH!!! What if my food contains CHEMICALS!!!?!??
Awwww Nooooo!!! Fricken CHEMICALS man!!!
Fucking yogurt-weaving dumbfucks.
I’d rather not ingest stray pesticides either, but can we please use the correct terminology and not just haul words out of our ass and wave them around?
Amen
is “amen” an example of an ass hauled word?
In this case I used it as “ so be it “ ,an affirmation to confirm that I agree with Mr C Bottom’s statement concerning ass hauled words . Apparently English hauled it from Latin who hauled it from Greek who hauled it from Aramaic who hauled it from Hebrew .
so it wasn’t something just made-up for use in one of the most published pieces of fiction ever written?
The Amen is real but god was certainly fictitious.Monotheism sprang from the epoch when our hunter gatherer ancestors were domesticated by cereals but was never going to survive the scientific revolution .
beer is made from cereal.
Dumb fuckers gave up the good life of hunter gathering to become subsistence farmers . They deserved a beer for their hard work and stupidity .
While I agree with your raging below about chemicals (like when products say “chemical-free”, so, what it’s a vacuum?), calling grains organic is a real thing separate from the meaning in your old Chemistry books. Funnily enough, a family I know who owns an organic certification business is about as Trump-crazy and anti-hippy as can be. I for one am happy to be able to purchase things to eat which are certified to be free of the many known carcinogenic pesticides and herbicides.
The FDA does not classify Michelob Ultra Pure Gold as an organic product. I have a feeling this fact dwells in the outerknown, if not the unknown of what is known by millennial consumers.
Kelly’s become insufferable. Attention fiend of the highest order, wiling to shill anything for the slightest exposure. Dude doesn’t even drink beer.
I’m not sure I ever went from supporting an athlete to loathing the same person within the span of one injury at Jbay to an embarrassing loss at Jbay.
Yea his surfing at Jbay was fucking gross
This is possibly the deal he has with the WSL so he can get the wildcard next year over someone that deserves it.
But, but – Cymatic !
45 is the new high performance glass ceiling and Kelly is now 46 .( I passed this point 8 years ago so have some experience with the body’s downward spiral ) . He surfed shit for an aging 20 something version of himself but great for a bald guy who’ll be turning 50 before you can say “ When is Kelly going to retire ? “.
He is the Tom Cruise of surfing.
Can you imagine if Scientology invaded surfing?
wouldn’t be at all surprising if L Ron mentioned twin fins in some of his early work.
Scientology has planted its roots in skateboard (berrics guy and aaron kyro of revive), so its a matter of time before surfing is targeted. maybe surfing has . . . someone showed me this 1983 penthouse mag interview on lron hubbard jr, bad stuffs . . .
The Evangelicals have a monopoly on it. Them and the post-capitalist futures set.
lol
TomsTa pedo!
Slater bashing in a serious Inertia like dissertation has become the norm now. And nobody dares to crack a joke about Aussie surfers. Do we think his wildcard is going to jeopardise Australia’s representation or even World Title hopes? It would be another Brazilian on Tour, in all likelihood!
Galatians 6:7 Be not deceived ;God is not mocked : For whatever a man soweth , that shall he also reap.
Jebus Jim – WSL judges ain’t heard any of that.
Ratso might be able to quote the front of a Steinie bottle but that’d be about it for the deep shit. The others – think they might know the rules for darts. Maybe
I hate Michael Wright. Attention seeking wanker. His style is shit in and out of water.
which aussies deserve to be bashed today? Mick and Parko and Fat Taj are done. Who else is there?
Back when he was a teenager attended a New year’s Eve gig there was the finest beverage in the world…big money beverages…kel Kelly was anti boss…. “I don’t drink”.
Guy missed out on 1982 petrus, 1982 mouton and heaps of others…about $50k worth….not even a taste.
Know from then on he is not very sharp!
If only it came in single use plastic bottles.
Kondoms?
Made by a stuck cunt to be stuck up a cunt?
I’ll never stop liking Kelly no matter what he does. Being an absolute fucking conceited cunt and lunatic is only making me fonder.
Yea – I can go along with that a little.
It’s just the being “an absolute egotistical wanker” bit that stops me.
Kunt
He’s basically Kanye West without the reality TV wife or indisputably disgusting wealth.
Oh Kelly has plenty of disgusting wealth…..
Disgusting, maybe. But not obscene wealth or grotesque wealth. There are levels and there are LEVELS.
I’m just trying to avoid grotesque poverty, at the moment. Shooting for disgusting poverty next paycheck, and then come the following Monday I fall back into obscene poverty and grotesque again by the following Thursday.
shit beer by a shit cunt.
got to pay that one Wiggs.
Works 11 times then fails.
Damn! I thought he was one of The People
Andy was the peoples Champ! 🙌🏼
TrU
Mine was sarcasm btw?
If he could only stop talking about himself long enough to address the consumer…..
If any of these beer companies had a clue they’d have either Dane or William Cardoso if they couldn’t afford Dane… Wade Carmicheal 3rd option.
I’d be nervous drinking whatever it was that made Wade look like Wade. He’s a good bloke and all but looks like he might be 1/8th frittata.
I don’t give a fuck. He my boy !
Go the fatty !
He’s 3rd on the list for that reason
Saw one of the Ventura Raw Surf clips yesterday by chance. Dane back in February, absolutely ripping. In the clip Dane really actually did the secret, superspecial turn that Conner Coffin/Gerlach claimed a coupla years back.
Edit w/ clip: I was thinking of the turn at 2:10. It reminds me that I–and everyone else–have neither a hack nor an on-the-face reverse in Dane’s world.
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
I like the way he looks over his shoulder at 1’10” to make sure he’s not burning some random guy before he goes left on a nice little peak. What a gentleman. I’ll buy his stuff just for that, [actually, maybe not those fucked tee-o’s, but other stuff].
Julian should endorse red wine.
I read somewhere that Michelob Ultra tastes like “bunny pee.”
Whoever first came up with that comparison drew the short straw.
https://pics.me.me/Facebook…
not if it was playboy bunny pee.