Fairytales do come true!
Have you ever dreamed of inhaling the toxins of a two-time champion of the US Open? Brett Simpson, who is thirty-three years old and has skin pigmentation consistent with rust, is offering personal coaching, and the use of surfboard as well as his home beach (Huntington), for $US348.
Brett isn’t your standard pro surfer, of course. His cameos dazzle, his opinions shine. Brett was a star of Peter King’s once-great #tournotes (Watch “Brett Simpson is the Unicorn of Lowers” here), helped Filipe tutor Lake Peterson in the art of the 540 and when Filipe lost in an interference at the US Open last year he told the WSL to “change that fucking 1970 rulebook.”
Anyway, Airbnb experiences/WSL etc are offering Brett to you, for two hours.
Here’s the spiel.
Hi, I’m Brett Simpson! I am a consecutive 2X Champion of the US Open of Surfing, California’s most prestigious surfing event, held at the Huntington Beach Pier. I spent 6 years competing at the world elite level, traveling across the globe for competitions. Though I am still competing, I am spending more time closer to home, giving back to the sport I love by coaching and bringing up the next generation.
What we’ll do
Meet at Hurley’s marquee store in Pacific City mall. Check out the vast selection of Away Co boards on site to book.. Find the right length board for your size and skill level. We will assess the conditions and get a overview of all the local breaks in HB. Learn insider tips about the best Huntington Beach has to offer. We’ll surf for 1 hour with in-water coaching. I’ll talk to you about techniques to help progress your surfing such as wave choice, positioning, and tips on maneuvers. After surfing, we’ll have a post-session coaching at Hurley Pac City. This includes footage analysis.. You’ll leave ready to take your surfing to the next level!
What I’ll provide
Surfboard
Who can come
Guests ages 10 and up can attend.
Where we’ll be
HB Surf City – lots of great waves, my favorite place in the world Hurley Pacific City – my sponsor’s marquee store, lots of fun stuff HB Pier – where we will catch some fun waves
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Can I just get Courtney Conlogue please? I only have $174.
Burn
I think you forgot a decimal point there.
I have a cousin who’s a retired, now divorced and cash-strapped South American pro footballer. His life is filled with anguish and bad investments, a distant shadow of the flashy cars and loose women that followed him around France, Italy, and Belgium when he was still kickin’ the ball for top coin in the 90s and early 2000s.
I’ve just come from reading 2 articles at STAB. I don’t do that often these days but was looking for Nias footage. Fuck man, the comments section is really disgraceful. Full tilt racism towards Kanoa and lazy old man dirty sexism on the next story. Fuck STAB
They really don’t know what to do with the comments, on the one hand they are saying in their COTW that they are cleaning up their act, another post is an invitation for anyone to comment about nationalities they hate and spew their stereotypes about! They can’t have it both ways! Seems to be a smaller and smaller pool commentating each time I go over! Having said all that I can’t wait for Ford to release his next edit! Nothing goes together better than a shit Ford edit and the Stab comment section!
I’d pay a grand to do key snappers with Wardo and watch him scrap with folks at Lowers. $348 to surf shit waves with Simpo seems a bit high. Unless that comes with one of those Hurley wetsuits with the leg stripes….
All these ex-pros need to pay the bills. Brett seems like he actually could pull this gig off for a while. Where do all the old OC pro-bro’s end up now that sales rep jobs are gone? Maybe back at mom’s house on Beach Blvd.
Jeez mate, You’ve been the richest man in history for one day and it’s already gone to your head. Remember your roots.
I wouldn’t feel too bad for the guy, he probably owns coastal real estate and a nice Boston whaler unless he had crooked management.
Fleecing schmucks at the mall before a paid grovel isn’t the worst hustle in the world.
Meh.
Howzabout Bart Simpson? Can I hang with him? The little shit.
probs way more fun.
You might have to settle for OJ Simpson. You good with that?
Mmmm. As long as he brings that one glove. Like Michael Jackson.
“Eeeeeeeeeeehh!”
Don’t you remember? The glove didn’t fit. He couldn’t take it as a keepsake out of fear they’d charge him with theft. It wasn’t his, circumstantially fitting someone else.
He might be willing to reenact scenes from the Naked Gun or Airplane. Only if you learn Leslie Nielson’s lines.
Ah, OK whaddamIgonna do now?
Tell you what, here’s a list of all the other fuckers oo’s name wot is Simpson.
We can take our pick and purchase their time instead.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wi…
I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.Not Nielsen but I love the scene with Lloyd Bridges .The Big Lebowski’s dad .
“Chamone!”
https://youtu.be/2tpHq8jMyhw
Michael lives!
I say this without any cuntiness. I think Brett Simpson fucking rocks. His only downfall was a safety surf or two or three. The huntington Jordy!
That shop doesn’t even open til 10:00, by the time you pick a board, yack it up with old brett, and get to the water it’ll be blown out trash 90% of the year. Perfect huntington beach experience!
spot on BD.
but the mall is worth that price of admission… add in the Hurley store visit and some chit chat… wow.
almost as amazing as attending the Kelly pool event for 3 grand.
I wanna get an invite to the set of Get Bent!
Now that’d be fun – I’ll give em some audience engagement.
Hey maybe we can charter a bus !
Poor cunt.
This reminds me of my one and only charter trip.
6 enthusiastic fishermen out to slay, me and my deckie looking after them.
Came in after 6 hours, tied her up. “Never a-fucking-gain”, I said.
And never a-fucking-gain I did.
Who’s a preferable client:
1. Dudes who are fine with just getting drunk and throwing a line. Can’t really or don’t really fish but down to hang on the water.
2. Dudes that want to catch the biggest and most fish of all time. Fish often and fish well but don’t own a boat or are tourists.
How about a man with an explosives licence and penchant for killing protected species? I’m a wonderful house guest.
Gratis, Wiggs.
With a special visit. Seal Club Onshore Safari.
Anytime, bro.
“wonderful house guest”
as long as you have “buck hunter”, two 8 balls, a couple of hookers and plenty of dumplings. and this is just the snippets my biscuit fried brain can remember.
don’t sell yourself short wiggs.
I have heard people describe creatures that scratch the wall beside the front door when it needs a dump as “wonderful house guest”
So long as he scratches the wall before dumping, that’s fine.
I’ll let him out.
Ahh – it’s all good, just not for me.
It’s the constantly having to be “nice” bit which got to me.
My hat is off to those who do it day in day out tho, fukkn hard work.
This is why people get paid Astro . The cash is exchanged for the suffering of the soul, obliged to keep smiling when it reaches that point in the existential crisis ;Do I fall to ground weeping , do I beat on the brat with a baseball bat or do I shut up ,keep smiling , take the cash and live to fight another day and hopefully get a surf in before dark .
We’re all in some kind of service industry.
And now I smile when the kids draw on the walls , piss on the floor and take half an hour to choose which shoes they don’t want to wear to go to the bakery 50m away .
Pretty sure we’d enjoy some live music together Jim. Maybe we Have?!
I thought I was a laissez faire parent, but my kids ain’t never gonna take 30minutes to decide on shoes. I got stealth beers to drink at that neighborhood playground 50m away!
“Hey Chad, how’s things? Hope work’s good. My how yer boy Tommy’s grown. Mija, I know you’re half his size, half his age, and a girl, but don’t hit Tommy, even though he’s a pussy and his dad is devoid of any personality, character, or interesting experiences. [Guzzles beer]. Aw fuck, park diaper and no wet wipes…”
I once imitated a dog and got down on all fours to show a couple with a dog that this was the best table in the house for two potential diners and there special ( fucked in the head ) dog .
Wish I was there for that.
Would’ve loved to have sung The Cramps’ Can your Pussy do the Dog during this performance but just barked a little to keep the customers and the FUCKED IN THE HEAD DOG happy .
True, and unfortunately for me, I’m into service for rich people, and it looks like rich people are jerks. James is right, it’s either keep smiling or beating the customer, and the former solution is the only way to fight another day…
I couldn’t imagine being Brett Simpson when he was competing, and I wouldn’t be Brett Simpson now that he has to “give surf lessons” in Huntington beach!
Astro’s suffering from “alienation,” or for the German audience, “entfremdung.” Selling your labor with no attachment to the product or the process, it fuckin’ sucks.
Heh, kinda like that M.
But more like – the seasons over, I’ve got a bank full of money and it’s 6 months before we can go fish again. Normally we just go netting for something to do. But that year we thought we’d try something different.
I was warned by some dubious friends – I was told – I was laughed at.
I thought, “Well, fuck you cunts. I’m a nice person at heart. I can do this “
But nooo – a one day fail. One of my ex mates put a Charter business for sale ad in the paper the next day. Smart cunt.
Fishing would actually be one of the few vocations that pushes up against entfremdung as concept. You have way more control over your work and the product of it than, say, the prole who sells his time to an evil tech giant (like me).
All I can tell you about comm fishing is that it is unlike any other vocation.
It definitely isn’t for everyone. If you’re on deck then there’s more “suck it up” than in any other job. You have no say, at all, whatsoever at any time.
Then fuck what I said, commercial fishing is Entfremdung embodied!
Option 1. They’ll get bored and seasick in half the time leaving you with an early mark and an esky still full of beer.
$348 is so cheap. This makes me sad.
Kids, stay in school. Even if you make the tour you will have to resort to this.
Link this article to a homeschool surf mom. Little Kahili Johnson will be better off as a financial analyst.
I’d rather toss the pigskin around with his dad.
is that a euphemism?
For everything, ever?
That would be the $248 option. I kid, Im a BS fan.
I feel bad for Brett. After the WSL and Hurley take their cut, he probably only sees $75 of that $348.
Brett’s surfing is well suited for Surf Ranch. I bet he’d do well in a contest there.
Now THAT is how you give a backhanded compliment, ladies and gents.
I was being sincere. When the Surf Ranch first hit the internet, one of my first thoughts was about who’s pro surf career could be resurrected. Brett Simpson was the first name on the list.
Fair question. Plenty of formulaesque former tour surfers could groove into that criteria without skipping a beat.
Pick the right length/size board? If they’re spending 350 for an Airbnb “experience” at Huntington just give the dumb bastard a 6’8” quad fish and call it.
I fucking loathe Orange County and HB. But I like Brett Simpson. I’ve had too many positive chance interactions with the guy to hate…nice, funny, smart, genuine…
But this shit is wack as fuck.
Guest ages 10 and up is creepy too.
That’s a cheap shot Wiggs. The age thing likely has to do with liability insurance which surf schools must have in CA.
California’s a weird joint.
Litigation, litigation, oh nevermind
Or like hollyweird would say, nevermind Weinstein, litigation, litigation, oh Hillary’s his friend too.
This may be be wack as fuck but the man needs to make some cash post CT!
The below quote basically means he aint cutting it at the elite level, has been trying to re qualify and his sponsors won’t foot the travel bills. Poor Simpo is forced to do something closer to home! I’m sure he isn’t thrilled to be giving surf lessons to kooks…
“I spent 6 years competing at the world elite level, traveling across the globe for competitions. Though I am still competing, I am spending more time closer to home”
This is all part of the WSL trying to make some cash with their “New Global Surf Experiences” (they clip the ticket on the way through)
http://www.worldsurfleague….
is it possible to skip all the marketing and coaching and just get on the piss with him?
And meet his dad . A real sport star having played with the LA Rams and Buffalo Bills .
so you resort to being a surf coach at Huntington only to find that clients are more interested in your father.
simpo deserves better than that.
Honestly, I bet the parents of many a pro surfer are more interesting than their kids. Seriously, I’d rather talk shit with Ricardo Toledo or Charlie Medina any day. Same goes for Deano Andino over Kolohe or Mom John over JJF. I’m sandwiched between them in age, but I can’t imagine the kids have many interesting things to say.
Overheard lineup conversations in OC could be recorded and the playbacks used at Guantanamo Bay now that waterboarding is illegal.
If he was Australian he would probably be digging holes by now ? A competitor whose claim to fame is winning two QS events and is still sponsored by Hurley, 3 years after falling off tour, is very lucky to be from California ? Ride the gravy train for as long as you can young man .