But without surfing, you'd be an embittered eunuch…
The exchange of ideas at the Grit is intoxicating even when the substance ain’t your trip. Only thing that grinds is when old warhorse assumptions and myths get trotted out with a fresh coat of lipstick for another go around.
Some cat might have been Ayn Rand or Noam Chomsky or maybe Michel Houellebecq, said life proceeds pretty much according to the conventional wisdom. And nothing is more conventional wisdom in surfing than the idea that we are all deep down some kind of renegade outlaws barely able to function in society because we are humping this hulking, all consuming, addiction to surfing through life.
Neg, not Nug, love him like a brother and bless his soul, made comment on an AI quote that “surfing kept him on a even keel” by claiming that “For him and those of us over 30, surfing offers almost none of the answers in life”.
Bollocks mi amigo.
It offers any answer you want, apart from the ultimate one, which is death. It’s a great and compelling answer to the question: how do I pass the time each day? The implication that surfing did Andy no good or couldn’t keep him on an even keel is correct, on the face of it, but greys out so much of the man. He died an addict but an addict who was a three-time world champ, who exalted and glorified a talent, transcended liabilities and inspired millions. He could’ve died an opioid addict alone in a gutter if he never picked up a sled.
You want to imbue surfing with a numinous glow, are newly arrived from Europe or the mid-west and crave meaning? Surfing makes an excellent, harmless religion, better, by far, than any of the Abrahamic faiths, with easy to follow tenets, prophets and daily rituals.
You can sit dewey eyed at the feet of benevolent masters, for a small fee, like Gerry Lopez. You want to make it your Walden Pond, decipher natural history, accept the measured violence of the ocean, and understand that you must meet every effort of nature with a calculated, countervailing manoeuvre. Then you’ve got a lifetime mapped out.
Want to dabble, hold down a job, raise a family and get a little work-a-daddy stoke on a couple mornings a week? Surfing is no problem for you.
Barack Obama wave slides using the human body as planing device. Surfing is not a problem for him. Former Australian prime minister Tony Abbott: surfs. Former NSW Premier Mike Baird: surfs. Former Australian Treasurer Wayne Swan: surfs. Former Australian Attorney-General Robert McClelland: surfs. Putin, I’m sure, has dabbled. Many Russians do.
Almost nothing adds lubricating grease to the wheels in the highest spheres of power in the Indo-Pacific world than a mild-moderate wave sliding habit. You crave power, have ambition, want to make money? Surfing is not a problem for you.
You’re American and you surf. You’ve likely got a college degree and bank above the average income. Maybe you got lucky and get to suckle on the teat of the tech-titans and get to surf the Nor-cal area like the great Louie Samuels.
Maybe you lament getting your hands dirty, working a blue-collar job as Limbless Jack or Mike C suggested. That’s a shame. If you’re in Australia and have a trade: brickie, chippy, plumber, sparky, gas fitter, landscaper etc, you sit majestically close to the apex of the socio-economic totem pole. You charge 80-100/hour, more if you own kit, live close to the beach, dawn patrol a couple times a week, send your kids to a private school, surf weekends, spend ten days in the Ments every year and snorkel pow in Japan on a good year. Surfing is not a problem for you.
There are older surfers here, maybe even the despised baby boomers. You paid how much for that crib in Byron Bay when you came here chasing surf in the 70’s? What? Seven grand. Seven fucking thousand! Your mate across the street sold for 2.8 mill and you’d get the same. So chasing surf was a massive financial mistake now that you’re a multi-millionaire for doing 5/8’s of nothing? Not quite. Surfing is not a problem for you.
There are older surfers here, maybe even the despised baby boomers. Come forwards. Don’t be shy. You paid how much for that crib in Byron Bay when you came here chasing surf in the 70’s? What? Fifty grand? No? Less? Seven grand. Seven fucking thousand! And it’s worth how much now? Your mate across the street sold for 2.8 mill and you’d get the same, maybe a bit more because of the new deck. So chasing surf was a massive financial mistake now that you’re a multi-millionaire for doing 5/8’s of nothing? Not quite. Surfing is not a problem for you.
You think without surfing you’ll be a better lover, a kinder parent with more time for your kids? You won’t. You’ll be an insufferable monster. A neutered, embittered eunuch.
You nine-to-five cube monkeys feel disrespected, mocked as unimaginative wage slaves and robots. But you’re right, this whole shit show would grind to a halt without you. Maybe you suffer, like I, from what Rimbaud called the horror of home. You might be happier, like Ishmael and me, 40 miles out to sea, but 40 miles isn’t always possible so 40 metres might be better, even for 40 minutes. No shame in that. That alone, makes pappy a better man, mammy a better woman. You think without surfing you’ll be a better lover, a kinder parent with more time for your kids? You won’t. You’ll be an insufferable monster. A neutered, embittered eunuch. To those martyrs who give it up (for an illusory gain) I offer these words from the author Chris Kraus: “Stop your whining you whiny little bitch and get your go-outs. Or Don’t.”
Hey hipsters. No hate here. Just keep that leashless log the fuck away from my kids. It is what it is and what it is is fucking great. Surfing is no problem for you.
Hey hipster. You swing between New York, Byron, Milan or wherever the hell appeals. Resin-tinted log left at the Bay, borrow a fish to ride down at Montauk and life is, what? Sweeter for the slide? Of course, always is. The commitment to surfing… minimal. The identification: partial. No hate here. Just keep that leashless log the fuck away from my kids. It is what it is and what it is is fucking great. Surfing is no problem for you.
Our very own principal D. Rielly, as reward for his entrepreneurial escapades cashed out of Stab for a couple hundred K. That is not a problem. That is a solution to a problem, a series of problems even, including how to find a cash deposit for a beachside residence, how to invest in a new business etc etc.
Finally fellow travellers. Take a walk in the room of mirrors. Did you back surf? Back it properly I mean. For a block of dirt and a roof close to a surf spot? Did you back it in for Lennox Head, Byron Bay, Burleigh, Coolum, Ulladulla, Laguna Beach, Newport, Cardiff by the Sea, Hossegor, Lahinch, the Bukit, Raglan, Pupukea etc etc. Then congratulations. You won the game. For doing exactly nothing except backing surf you have enriched yourself and supplied an endowment for your families future.
Adult learners are laughing all the way to the bank while we torture ourselves with calvinist myths about the right way to spend a life.
It’s a funny old world, but surfing ain’t a problem in it. For you or anyone else.
Smooth, wise words. Thanks.
As a mid-western mid-twenties kid transplanted to the west coast after burning my life down I gotta say it feels a lot better getting tricked into buying a 6′ 1″ that I can’t fuckin paddle out on to save my life than getting tricked into buying bad tar that could end my life. I recognize an obsession when I feel one, and I’m much happier with the one I have on water than the one that I had hiding in bathrooms. Even if it means I’m the punchline of a joke. Thank you for this article.
Chasing waves has to be a better (if not more cliched) way to waste your life than hunting opioids.
TRULY!!
Best comment ever. I’m guessing you’re like a beginner friend of mine who will paddle out no matter what. 2 ft howling onshore freezing slop or triple overhead knowing he has no chance of making it out and is gonna get thoroughly gassed. And he has 5 kids between the ages of 12 and 2. Always wants to surf and his stoke is so contagious. Guys like yourself are such a breath of fresh air esp in CA with so many jaded cool guy donkeys. Keep surfing every single chance you get no excuses unless it’s literally flat as a lake. It’s been my life rope for 35 years..
I’m just happy that a good friend took the time to share the stoke with me!! thank you for the kind words!
Keep it up. Everyone is a kook in some sort of scenario! It’s a better person who isn’t afraid to admit it.
I once bought a home unit about 300m from shark Island and was paying 17% interest on a $100k loan . Best thing I ever did was sell it and never looked back .
You might have been the shires 2nd world champ if ya stayed!
Instead you ditched us for the euroscene uberculture
Nice!
I blew in , I watched , I listened ,I worked at it so hard , taken in by two wonderful surfing families , I thrived , I blew out my elbow , got fat , depressed and blew away to surf another day ……. I blew in , I learnt a new language ……..
Bex at that time Cronulla was a powerful player in professional surfing with Occy , Banks , Greeny , Dog and that is just the tip of the iceberg not to mention the work done by Sid Cassidy with the media and coke ( a cola ) .
I remember you Bicko when I was a young lad in EBC. You never fell from memory and ripped the bag out of it! Always wondered what happened to you.
Hi jimmy of the EBC brotherhood .Broke my elbow working and nearly gave up but rekindled my love of surfing in France for 20 years and now married with 2 kids under 5 in Germany and hoping to return soon to live somewhere south of Wollongong .
After 4 consecutive mornings of ‘surfing’ (kooking) I feel like a newborn man.
I kooked hard but feel if I could continue kooking regularly I could withstand all the slings and arrows of outrage (not fortune) that my employment and parenting throw at me.
Maintain the Rage and make it a habit which becomes impossible to kick …….
Tell my wife and managers.
CB’s wife and managers
You will take him to the beaches , to the points , to the reefs
And never let him surrender ……..pretty please .
yes. Great work long tom. Great article. Well worth the reread. I have been mentioning the concept of how life goes and how surfing is a better way to while away the years than chasing bucks. Then you have children chase bucks, and while you spend the time to get them to adulthood, your coveted and revered place in your line up of choice is forgotten. And you become an embittered old man. Your town of choice gets public, your coastline gets roads and rangers, you name a surfspot and it sticks and resent any cunt you see there. I suspect that the positivity of your writing, the lack of shitcunt crap, the obvious love and passion for doing it helps us take it all in and move on. WTF by the way of that clip with Mick fanning and jay davies in the MR region. Absolute pure cuntliness. Fuck you and your very rapidly dissolving and badly made wetsuits Rip Curl, or whoever the fuck did that. HNY all
I wonder if on the push bike riding websites they go as deep and epic as that?
Yah — but harder to find these days now that the Facebook/Instagram has eaten the heart of out publishing. Bill Strickland’s Ten Points is an intense and beautiful read.
Dirtrag and singletrack always had some good writing about the mbike scene.
I got into surfing for the ping-pong game. I had hoped to challenge not just myself, but challenge the very best, which is not easy. Especially when they block you, and your challenges, on Instagram. So..,.yeah…fuck you smelly Kelly.
You’re a rare talent in this mixed up world of ours Longtom. Looking back in time at your work here at BeachGrit, appreciating that Hyndsight is 20/20, you are second to none. No matter what any fuckwits ben saying. Cheers!
Umm, and for those of us still addicted 10 20 30 or more years later who didn’t have the for-sight to plan ahead, who couldn’t see past tomorrow’s surf forcast, well we probably have a nice surf van to crash in.
No wonder Samuels and Warshaw wrote that article on how bad surfing can mess with your life if your not really careful. Maybe Matt made the right move.
Good stuff Longtom. Hope to enjoy more of your writing and thoughts next year. Keep it lit mate. As my wise and well salted friend Rob Conneeley says “there is no such thing as a bad surf”. Enjoy while we can. Cheers.
Must agree with your mate Rob from Bondi ! I have only had one truly bad surf in my life and it was so fucking bad ,my mate ,who forced me to go out did even worse than I did , we are still pissing ourselves with laughter every time the subject is raised years down the track .
Yes James, i too have had just one really bad surf. Back in the 1970s, one lazy afternoon when an onshore wind dropped away to become a glassy evening, I went surfing after i’d been drinking in the Penong pub. Bad idea. Result – total kook. Worst surf ever. Have since never mixed alcohol with going surfing again, other than the odd stinking hangover session next morning with some nausea and fish feeding, which instantly made me feel better. Cheers.
I went surfing this morning in the iconic harsh (but beautiful) morning glare of Australia’s east coast in wonky lumpen right handers at a b grade wave with a couple of good mates. Not many good waves, but lots of laughs followed by coffee and eggs. Surfing is no problem for me and works as a nice pursuit to make me less of a cunt.
You lucky bugger . Wonky warm water rights . Off tomorrow, working on trying to be less of a cunt , in wind swell chop frozen Baltic Sea hoping there will be some left and some lefts …….
Yeah, it gets a bit better (but not much). As banal as a north coast surf trip sounds these days, it’s still a lot of fun. Hopefully you get some joy from the Baltic.
Well it’s supposed to be 7 degrees which is warm for this time of year but with the wind chill factor and 40km winds could feel more like 2 so I’ll be saving money on sunscreen . Enjoy the ride .
Fuck, sounds like you’ve got to be pretty committed to chase a hint of the aquatic poncing high. I hope you get a few and manage to feel your extremities by the 3rd or 4th of January.
A fucken men. and thanks Longtom for your efforts in 2018 I appreciate how hard it must be to produce such work