A beautiful moment! Tears in everyone's eyes!
The other day I went down to the beach for a
surf. There is nothing especially unique about this
occurrence. Another day marked off on the calendar, another pearl
on the string. The waves looked playful and inviting. The tide
appeared cooperative. It was even uncrowded. Come here, little
girl, come surfing. It’ll be fun, I promise.
I shimmied into my suit, turning to avoid the interested gaze of
a passing beachwalker. They always do that, the beachwalkers. Show
up right at that awkward stage of half-in, half-out, maybe this
time there’ll be a nip slip. Not this time, bitches! Safely
zippered up and ready for some surfing.
I mistimed the paddle out, of course, and took ten waves on the
head. The resulting ice cream headache made me cranky. Fucking
waves, what the hell. My good spirits started to wane. I found a
wave, resolved to turn that frown straight upside down with some
turns. A good wave, some turns, that’ll make it all okay.
It turned out the waves were less fun than they’d looked from
the beach. I’d been played by equal parts illusion and wishful
thinking. Mediocre waves are better than no waves at all, I told
myself. Still determined. Still hopeful. Maybe it’ll get
better!
In the meantime an additional twenty guys had shown up in the
lineup. Clearly they were hiding under rocks and behind the bushes,
ready to pounce. They saw me blissfully paddle out, hoping for an
uncrowded, playful day, and figured it was time to strike.
Mediocre waves, I could accept. Mediocre waves and a crowd?
That’s just taking things way too far. There I sat, stewing. I
started thinking about sandwiches, about how maybe I should go get
one. Sandwiches understand. Sandwiches never let you down.
Then, I saw it. Then I saw the most marvelous thing. I had to
blink my eyes to believe it was real. For there was Tom Curren
leading an Adult Learner around the lineup. The Adult Learner was
perched precariously on a longboard as Curren paddled along beside
him like a mother duck minding her chick.
If you’ve never seen Curren in real life, or at least not
lately, he looks exactly like you’d imagine. A shock of blonde
hair, grey around the edges, perpetually disheveled sits above a
face cut deep with lines from the countless hours of staring at the
horizon and beyond. His stocky build looks purpose-built for
turning surfboards. These days, he has the slightly vague air of an
artist, of someone who finds his interior life distractingly
interesting, maybe more so, than the world around him.
A small wave came through with no takers. Curren cajoled his
adult learner into position and urged him to paddle. Then he gave
him a push. The adult learner came to his feet and did a thing that
looked something like surfing. Success!
Suddenly, I was extremely jealous. I want a push, too! Where’s
my Tom Curren! Tom, Tom, can I get a push? Tom, I need some help
over here!
In a listicle over at Surfline — that he was quick to assure us
is not actually a listicle, though it does offer a, um, list — Nick
Carroll names Adult Learning as one of the surf culture trends of
recent years. He predicts that Adult Learners will expand their
range into new areas of surf tourism, learn new tricks, and
Instagram the fuck out of it all. (Read here,
etc!)
Could Curren be starting a new trend of his own? Soon, all the
cool kids are going to want Adult Learners of their own. You won’t
be able to rock up to the beach without one. There’ll be a rush to
find an Adult Learner that best complements your personal style.
Board size and color. Wetsuit choice. Gender. Hair color. Before
long, we’ll have apps to find the best Adult Learner for you! Swipe
right. Swipe left. Find your match.
The very next day, I went back to the beach. Plainly, I had not
learned my lesson about the pointless nature of this whole
endeavor. When I got there, I saw Shaun Tomson in the lineup. But
there was something missing! Shaun did not have an Adult Learner. I
tried to tell him that he was doing surfing wrong. Shaun! Stop!
It’s all wrong!
But before I could do anything at all, Shaun paddled into the
best wave of the day, threw some insouciant spray, and went
home.
I figured if Shaun was going to surfing wrong, then I should go
ahead and do surfing wrong, too. So I found a good wave, though
maybe not the best wave, and threw some girlishy exuberant spray. I
forgot all about Adult Learners and trends and lists, that might
not be lists, but maybe actually are lists. And then, giggling
madly, I paddled back out for another. And another.
Surfing, you are so beautiful and so stupid.