A fantastic final day!
Gimme Pipeline. Gimme third reef, second reef, Backdoor, doggy door. Gimme broken legs and broken dreams. Gimme barrels so big you could drive a bus through ’em. Gimme cliche just gimme Pipeline and oooooeee if the just wrapped Pipeline Pro didn’t entertain.
Did you watch? Did you witness the rebirth of Jack Robinson? All that promise, all that potential, back if only for one day. What about the actual birth of Brodi Sale? There fresh out of the womb, still covered in vernix caseosa. Coco Ho said he was in the lineup waiting for a “glory hole.” Yeah. He honestly just came out of the “glory hole.”
What about Peru’s Miggy Tudela? There in Hawaii where his ancient ancestors first brought surfing, via wonderful boats, 4000 years ago.
Balaram Stack? Hinduism’s GOAT. Vaughn Blakey in the booth? Please, World Surf League, make him a permanent fixture. Do what it takes for he, and he alone, can fix it.
Jack Robinson.
Did you watch Jack Robinson? Can you tell me, please, why he is not on the World Surf League Championship Tour, taking the mantle that John John Florence doesn’t seem to want?
Chris Cote, who is in the booth, said, “Nice foamy exit there…” and can we talk about surfing and sexual metaphors for one moment? Does any sport have more sexual metaphors so baked in that they can be delivered with a straight face?
“He’s pumping.”
“Going backdoor.”
“Nice foamy exit.”
Etc.
Golf has “hole in one” which doesn’t make sense as a sexual metaphor. Baseball has first base, second base, third base and home run.
Those are solid.
Did you watch Barron Mamiya? He won a Yeti cooler and rode the wave of the contest in semifinal number 2 which Chris Cote could not stop talking about.
What do you feel about ending sentences with a preposition? Do you care? At all?
All is not a preposition.
Jack Robinson.
“The drone pilot has just gone next level on that thing.”
Tom Carroll, in the booth, just uttered that sexual metaphor with a straight face. Or I assume a straight face. He’s sober, no?
Nick?
Wait. Is it Tom Carroll in the booth?
Did you watch Balaram Stack pick his board for the final in the vaunted but not vaulted Volcom Pipeline House board room? Oh you missed it. It was the sort of behind the scenes business, replete with “fucks” and “yeahs” that are usually only found on the dark web.
Have you been on the dark web?
Oh shit. It’s not Tom Carroll. It’s some other Australian.
I almost just lost my index finger fingernail by trying to pry an old cube of ice out of an old ice-cube tray in the very back of the freezer in order to make another vodka…. lemonade.
It’s Derek Rielly’s fault. He’s making me write this.
Sal Masekela. Hell. I didn’t realize he was here too in the booth. Wearing an ironic Hawaiiana shower curtain. Ugh. When the future mocks the “extreme sport” era with its chummy awful embarrassing bullshit Sal Masekela will narrate and the whole thing will begin with, “Once upon a time my best friend Kelly Slater texted me…”
Did you watch the final? Reef Hazelwood which is spelled “Heazlewood,” Balaram Stack, Jack Robinson, Barron Mamiya. A stellar lineup by any measure. By any World Surf League measure.
Dave Wassel just said, “I want to chair the mom up the beach.
I’m serious. Which sport has more sexual metaphors just baked in?
Surfing isn’t a sport, FYI.
Also, sentences ending prepositions. Can you give me some direction here? Yes or no?
Sal is now deeply weighing in on Kelly’s weekend plans. Schooling all of his 235 co-hosts in the booth feat. Chris Cote, Dave Wassel, Kaipo Guerrero, Chris Cote, Tom Carroll, Vaughn Blakey, Big Daddy Trevor, Balarmom etc. on what Kelly is going to do this weekend, how he’s going to feel, what he’s going to eat, etc.
When the future mocks the “extreme sport” era it may simply be a documentary featuring Sal Masekela waiting by his phones for texts from Kelly Slater. Hollywood? Are you there? We’d crush this.
Did you watch Jack Robinson win?
He just did.
Sure seems like a good kid from a handful of times I’ve had the pleasure of sharing a line up with him, friendly with great surf etiquette. Gave me a couple of set waves even when he was clearly next.
I think you forgot Tight End.
Jack wins a lot. He won Pipe trials, won at Sunset, won Volcom, won in Chile. Won in Bali. He knows how to win. He can win Tahiti trials (or has he already done that?)
Actually, there are two 10,000s in Hawaii that always get the big wave or power surfers through. If Ballito pumps he can also win that. He won a comp in Chile or Peru last year doing some airs and getting small tubes. He does have an air act.
I want him to be world champ. He surfs right.
i watched the last 20 minutes of the final. Reef Hazelwood got a sick left for an 8.0. They gave Barron a 7.5 for a short right that put him in 2nd. I am not sure why Backdoor is scored so highly. Reef’s wave was 1.5 points better to me. 8.5 for Reef. 7.0 for Barron. It looked very dodgy towards the Hawaiian to me. I was glad Robbo got the winning wave. He wins lots of comps in Hawaii. He has a very calm temperament.
In other news – WSL don’t own calculators….After scooping the Pipe Pro (and supposedly 3,000 freshies to add to his stable of qualification points) to place our boy Robbo on the top of the QS mantlepiece, the WSL decide that, hell, only 1,000 points will do on the ratings table. Does the WSL have a vendetta against Robbo? Is there only enough room for one blonde-haired Pipe frother on the CT? Conspiracy?
In fact, looks like everyone who paddled out at Pipe has been stooged in the ratings!
Proof they don’t want him on tour
WSL cant add up….has Trevs son in 3rd on the qs rankings…
Unnecessary roughness on a defenseless receiver – HELLO????
Allegedly fun to hang out with unless you are stuck on a boat with him in the middle of the ocean. Allegedly…
That’s a ringing endorsement.
Onya Jackie.
Excuses excuses. If Ryan Callinan can do it, Jack can do it. If he doesn’t want to, fine. But if he’s listening to people making up excuses for him, and buying it, it’s not fine.
There’s five 10,000 QS’s this year. One, Huntington, is in for sure shit surf. The other four, Ballito, Ericeira, Haleiwa and Sunset, have as much surf potential as any good surfer needs.
Oh and forget the “old” slag off, it’s tedious and stupid.
Have you checked the QS rankings so far?
Proof they don’t actually want Jack on tour….
I think the 4 man heats is more exciting than the 2+2 format of the Pipe Masters. Seems like guys are encouraged to just go in the 4 man situation. Way more entertaining. If you were to couple 4 man with better surfers, there could be some exciting outcomes.
I giggle all day at the sexual innuendo. There’s just too much!
Nice Chas. Good job BG blowing off Ciaramella ages ago too. His rundown of events was pitiful
Try make these comments anywhere in the world not near the ocean. “His backside is amazing. He comes so hard off the bottom.” “I think he’s the best backside tube rider ever.”
Looks just as comfortable charging gaping pits as smashing the back out of mush burgers.?
“He is the owner of one of the most silky smooth backsides in history.” – Joey Turpel
no real surprise coming from a man with a cat glued to his head. his pointless dribble is an attempt to draw attention away from it.
“Cranking himself down the reef”.
Trash
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
And loving it!!
Fuckin sandgropers
West Coast white trash.