Did you watch? Did you witness the rebirth of Jack Robinson? All that promise, all that potential, back if only for one day. What about the actual birth of Brodi Sale? There fresh out of the womb, still covered in vernix caseosa. Coco Ho said he was in the lineup waiting for a “glory hole.” Yeah. He honestly just came out of the “glory hole.” | Photo: Photo by Heff/WSL

Pipeline Pro: Jack Robinson wins over all-comers at “The Proving Ground!”

A fantastic final day!

Gimme Pipeline. Gimme third reef, second reef, Backdoor, doggy door. Gimme broken legs and broken dreams. Gimme barrels so big you could drive a bus through ’em. Gimme cliche just gimme Pipeline and oooooeee if the just wrapped Pipeline Pro didn’t entertain.

Did you watch? Did you witness the rebirth of Jack Robinson? All that promise, all that potential, back if only for one day. What about the actual birth of Brodi Sale? There fresh out of the womb, still covered in vernix caseosa. Coco Ho said he was in the lineup waiting for a “glory hole.” Yeah. He honestly just came out of the “glory hole.”

What about Peru’s Miggy Tudela? There in Hawaii where his ancient ancestors first brought surfing, via wonderful boats, 4000 years ago.

Balaram Stack? Hinduism’s GOAT. Vaughn Blakey in the booth? Please, World Surf League, make him a permanent fixture. Do what it takes for he, and he alone, can fix it.

Jack Robinson.

Did you watch Jack Robinson? Can you tell me, please, why he is not on the World Surf League Championship Tour, taking the mantle that John John Florence doesn’t seem to want?

Chris Cote, who is in the booth, said, “Nice foamy exit there…” and can we talk about surfing and sexual metaphors for one moment? Does any sport have more sexual metaphors so baked in that they can be delivered with a straight face?

“He’s pumping.”

“Going backdoor.”

“Nice foamy exit.”


Golf has “hole in one” which doesn’t make sense as a sexual metaphor. Baseball has first base, second base, third base and home run.

Those are solid.

Did you watch Barron Mamiya? He won a Yeti cooler and rode the wave of the contest in semifinal number 2 which Chris Cote could not stop talking about.

What do you feel about ending sentences with a preposition? Do you care? At all?

All is not a preposition.

Jack Robinson.

“The drone pilot has just gone next level on that thing.”

Tom Carroll, in the booth, just uttered that sexual metaphor with a straight face. Or I assume a straight face. He’s sober, no?


Wait. Is it Tom Carroll in the booth?

Did you watch Balaram Stack pick his board for the final in the vaunted but not vaulted Volcom Pipeline House board room? Oh you missed it. It was the sort of behind the scenes business, replete with “fucks” and “yeahs” that are usually only found on the dark web.

Have you been on the dark web?

Oh shit. It’s not Tom Carroll. It’s some other Australian.

I almost just lost my index finger fingernail by trying to pry an old cube of ice out of an old ice-cube tray in the very back of the freezer in order to make another vodka…. lemonade.

It’s Derek Rielly’s fault. He’s making me write this.

Sal Masekela. Hell. I didn’t realize he was here too in the booth. Wearing an ironic Hawaiiana shower curtain. Ugh. When the future mocks the “extreme sport” era with its chummy awful embarrassing bullshit Sal Masekela will narrate and the whole thing will begin with, “Once upon a time my best friend Kelly Slater texted me…”

Did you watch the final? Reef Hazelwood which is spelled “Heazlewood,” Balaram Stack, Jack Robinson, Barron Mamiya. A stellar lineup by any measure. By any World Surf League measure.

Dave Wassel just said, “I want to chair the mom up the beach.”

I’m serious. Which sport has more sexual metaphors just baked in?

Surfing isn’t a sport, FYI.

Also, sentences ending prepositions. Can you give me some direction here? Yes or no?

Sal is now deeply weighing in on Kelly’s weekend plans. Schooling all of his 235 co-hosts in the booth feat. Chris Cote, Dave Wassel, Kaipo Guerrero, Chris Cote, Tom Carroll, Vaughn Blakey, Big Daddy Trevor, Balarmom etc. on what Kelly is going to do this weekend, how he’s going to feel, what he’s going to eat, etc.

When the future mocks the “extreme sport” era it may simply be a documentary featuring Sal Masekela waiting by his phones for texts from Kelly Slater. Hollywood? Are you there? We’d crush this.

Did you watch Jack Robinson win?

He just did.

Vulnerable adult learners make familiar sign of solidarity.

Adult learners hit alt-right radar: “If substandard surfers are allowed unearned top-tier waves, civilization will collapse…”

"Socialism has finally reached the surfing world.....gnarly!"

Didn’t we have fun three weeks ago when it was revealed a PHD candidate at the Uni of New Zealand had written his thesis on the sorry lives of “vulnerable surfers.”

To paraphrase Shinya Uekusa, who may not be Polynesian which will become important shortly, if you’re white, male and a good surfer you have your jackboot on the head of all the “vulnerable surfers” and you’re also guilty of the crime of cultural appropriation.

“Surfers use multiple capital to exercise their power to increase the likelihood of catching high-quality waves, which appear to be scarce commodities,” Uekusa wrote. “Focusing on the experiences of vulnerable surfers, quality waves are not evenly distributed.”

Read it here. 

Today, the news website Breitbart, which is to the right-wing what the Huff Post is to the left, and which the WSL once banned from buying ads on its site, ran with the story, much to the joy of its famously anti-identity politics commentariat.

It’s worth a stroll through that particular garden of thorns.

so socialism has finally reached the surfing world…..gnarly!!

The Prisoner
There has always been a pecking order for waves. If you can’t run with the big dogs you have to find smaller prey, bide your time, grow, gain skill, then one day you may be the big kahuna yourself. Of course this takes work, but hey, why labor when you can force someone to give up the fruits of theirs?

Only the brightest, hardest working, and sometimes lucky surfers get top tier waves. No affirmative action surfing, thank you. If substandard surfers are allowed unearned top tier waves, civilization will collaps….I mean the wipeouts will be narly dude.

Steve Obeda 
He’s making the point that trying to redistribute waves to low-performing surfers is unlikely to result in any positive outcome, just as redistributing wealth away from those who are good at multiplying wealth to those who are good at diminishing wealth is also likely to not result in any long-term benefits.

old red 
Appropriation? OK. I believe white men invented indoor plumbing and basketball.

No. No the surfers or the strong should not give way to the weak. That’s like saying the truly intelligent people should give up their seats to the mentally challenged. Everybody suffers.

And here I thought that only American Universities were sufficiently stupid to pay “professors” who can’t think straight. It’s refreshing in a way to see that NZ schools are equally idiotic. Incidentally, native cultures have expropriated white culture by using cell phones and fiberglass surfboards.

How exactly does one “steal” a hobby? Basketball was invented by a white guy. Did most NBA players steal basketball? Should we complain about redistributing court space to lesser players

Oh dear. The stupid is strong in this one.

RidUSA of demonrats 
Even the sea discriminates…

“Surfing, which was an important activity for many Indigenous cultures in Oceania, Africa”

Um, no it was not an indigenous activity of Africa! Surfing was invented by Polynesians not Africans! It is indigenous of Hawaii and other Polynesians cultures not Africa. Go back to school you ignorant liar.

John Prescott jonnyamerican
Don’t forget, it was the haloes who first rode the big breaks on the North Shore, in modern times.

The Oatmeal Savage RidUSA of demonrats 
The oceans are racist!

Breaking: Kauai’s Hanalei Bay closed down after firefighter bitten by tiger shark!

The most dreaded of all.

Of all the sharks in the ocean, I fear the tiger most. I grew up, as you know, on the Oregon coast where Great Whites roam. Oh sure they are very scary beasts and capable of inflicting great damage but they always seemed… I don’t know… disinterested in eating folk when compared to the stories I would read in the surf magazines about Hawaii and her tigers.

And yesterday, at the famed Hanalei Bay, considered by many to be the “hippest town” on the islands, a shark struck and let us turn to Hawaii News Now for more.

A Kauai firefighter suffered several large lacerations to his leg Monday afternoon after an apparent shark bite in Kauai’s Hanalei Bay.

Authorities closed the popular swimming and surfing spot after the incident, which happened about 1:45 p.m.

Kauai authorities said the surfer injured in the shark bite was in stable condition.

He was in the water at a spot known as “The Bowl” when he was bit by what appears to have been a tiger shark. It was estimated to have been about 13-feet-long.

Kea Dwight and his friends were on a boat about 100 yards away from the surf break when they noticed a commotion.

“Once we kinda got closer, there were a bunch of people around him and they were pointing at the guy,” Dwight said. “We went over to him and he’s like, ‘I just got bitten by a shark.”

“When we were going over there, there was like blood in the water and I was like ‘oh god,’” witness Chas Weimar said. “He was weirdly calm about this. We were more freaked out about it than him”

Dwight and Weimar quickly pulled the surfer aboard the boat and rushed to shore.

“I would’ve been much worse if we didn’t get him in fast,” Dwight said. “He put the tourniquet on himself and he was breathing and stuff.”

The surfer, who friends say is a firefighter from Kauai’s west side, is recovering in the hospital.

Is there a shark you are more scared of than others? Maybe the dreaded bong shark or are they all the same to you?

Speaking of that dreaded bong shark, ooooee! He killed 700 very irate BeachGrit Instagram followers yesterday.

Ate them whole.

Innovation: Brave Australian boy makes organic shark bong, gets flayed by ecologists!

“I just want to say thanks to the bunch of sooks..."

What do you want, progressives, ecologists, social justice warriors? Can you please, at your next clubhouse meeting, decide upon a hierarchy of values because it is totally impossible to keep up. Like, for example, what is more important… being organic or keeping the ocean plastic free? Because just yesterday a brave Australian boy was organic, keeping the ocean plastic free, and got flayed alive.

Let us read about him and his plight.

A fisherman and moderator of a popular Facebook group has used the body of a dead shark as a bong, prompting widespread criticism on social media.

The shocking video, which appears on popular group Fried Fishing Australia, shows the man holding the lifeless body of a small shark with a pipe stuck in its head and another pipe protruding from below its fin.

The man then lights the pipe, sucking from it before exhaling, appearing to laugh speak, while the “Baby Shark” kids song plays.

The group defended the post, explaining that the shark was “caught by my mate when we were fishing for mangrove jacks on Friday.”

“After two nights left in the ice box I came up with the idea. There is no possible way it was alive.”

In a follow up post, Fried Fishing Australia said the complaints have led to police have visiting the man in the video.

“I just want to say thanks to the bunch of sooks who have complained to the point of the police visiting,” he wrote. “Honestly I quit.”

And look at that. You made him quit. Now he’s gonna be bringing his plastic bong and/or disposable vape pens onto the boat just pitching them into the water willy-nilly. Just feeding them to whales who will later wash up on Japanese beaches, split open and spill mountains of plastic onto the black sand.

So make up your minds.


Adult Learner and Formula 1 champ Lewis Hamilton does a “Swayze Speedball!”

If you want the ultimate you've got to be willing to pay the ultimate price!

Today is Super Bowl Sunday in America. The de facto national holiday wherein light beer is consumed whilst chicken wings are eaten whilst witty comments are served up one after another. Witty commentary about advertisements, witty commentary about pre-game/halftime/post-game shows, witty commentary about play on the field and witty commentary about politics.

It is the most wittiest time of the year but not for me. I wasn’t invited to a Super Bowl party today. I’ll have to save my wit. Can it up for next year.

In other news, Lewis Hamilton went skydiving yesterday and declared it the perfect compliment to surfing.

“Got my skydiving license ✔️ the feeling of free fall is incredible. Surfing and skydiving in the same day is the ultimate day for me. Have you skydived yet? If not, put the fear aside and go 💪🏾 #freedom”

What do you think about that? Surfing and skydiving in the same day is the ultimate day?

The boys from Point Break sure thought so.

Speaking of speedballs, which varietal is your favorite?

Traditional (cocaine and heroin).

Hippie (coffee and marijuana).

Swayze (surfing and skydiving).

Busey (cocaine and cocaine).