Revealed: BeachGrit is singularly responsible for these rough days in surf media!

Chas Smith

By

Sorry!

Yesterday it was revealed here that Surfer magazine and its parent company TEN had been purchased by the National Enquirer. Maybe a good fit? Whoever knows these things but reporting today from inside the room suggests there has been a brutal bloodletting. A ruthless chopping of salary with no even “let’s pretend” wink and nod toward future growth. No. The game is to cut, cut, cut then resell, too hell with all that blood. What Youth also announced recently that it is ceasing its print magazine and who’s fault is it?

BeachGrit‘s of course!

I’ve been sent more DMs, texts, emails today specifying how surf media was once proud, noble, widely consumed, widely appreciated, loved, honored, respected, important, critical… until BeachGrit came along, debasing the medium.

And now look.

The stories that find purchase are quick blurbs on a brave woman who surfed with fins inserted progressively, putsches in Orlando and aggressive leash tugs etc. etc. etc. The only point to feed “a nasty crew of commenters.”

I suppose…. I’m sorry? But I don’t suppose that because I’m totally not.

Fuck the surf media for being shit for so crazy long.

Fuck it for forgetting that this isn’t serious, it’s only fun and fun is only ever temporal. That the people who have the most fun are the grumpy locals and you (grumpy local) are the only, literally and honestly ONLY thing that matters.

Fuck it for thinking friendship with professional surfers is the end all and be all of life.

Fuck Stab the honest-to-goodness flabby cop calling negative comment deleting worst of all. Fuck “media groups.” Fuck Surfline. Fuck antiquated old man bullshit that this was ever “important.”

It was never important. It was fun. Fun in spite of all of us damned surf medias not because of us.

Oops! I started drinking early!

Technology: World’s largest deep water standing wave to open in Pacific Northwest!

Chas Smith

By

But where are all the Surf Ranches?

Chelan, Washington is a town of just over 4000 in the almost center of the Evergreen State. Its post office was built in 1890, its school in 1893 and its deep water standing wave, the largest in the whole world, is set to open in 2019.

The Lake Chelan Mirror writes:

Joining the world-wide manufactured wave craze, Slidewaters Waterpark will open the world’s largest and the first deep water stationary wave in the United States. The 52 ½ foot wide Citywave© can produce waves as high as 6 feet and can be surfed with standard ocean boards and fins. Slated to open to the public summer of 2019, Lakeside Surf is a stand-alone surf park that will operate both independently and in connection to the existing waterpark.

So basically a very big Flowrider. A contained and controllable Waimea river thing.

All fine and good, especially for our Pacific NorthPest but the reason we should discuss is the first phrase of the Mirror piece. “Joining the world-wide manufactured wave craze…” and there sure is a lot of smoke there but where the hell is the fire?

I mean, Surf Ranch premiered what, two years ago now? And what have we got to show for it. We’ve got Surf Ranch. We’ve got shuttered Waco. We’ve got shuttered Austin. We’ve got a Mad Max thing in Australia that makes epic 1 footers. We’ve got a Chinese knock-off and… am I missing any? I think that’s it. Oh, besides the world’s largest deep water stationary wave in Chelan, Washington.

And if “manufactured waves” were really moneymakers wouldn’t we be seeing franchises starting to pop up everywhere by now?

I mean… what’s the deal?

Rumor: World’s favorite gossip rag, the National Enquirer, acquires Surfer magazine!

Chas Smith

By

Donald J. Trump approved!

This ain’t even a rumor. Maybe. It’s totally true. Probably. And totally epic. Whispers of Surfer magazine’s parent company TEN Media being on the block have been floating forever and ever. Of course we all know that media has run up on hard times with venture-backed companies like BuzzFeed and Vice failing to turn profits. Of course we all know the common sense un-sustainability of Stab, which once sold for a cool 10 million dollars, juicing their Facebook/Instagram “likes” and Youtube video views in an attempt to convince naive brand managers that it’s wildly popular.

But National Enquirer is a whole ‘nother level. The damned big leagues and let’s read a legit news source before we dig in. Boardistan writes:

American Media, the parent corporation of Men’s Journal, Radar, US Weekly and more famously the National Enquirer (you know, the company run by Donald Trump’s friend David Pecker) is reportedly purchasing TransWorld Skateboarding, Snowboarding, Snowboarder, and Surfer Magazine’s parent company The Enthusiast Network. Employees were apprently informed today (January 31, 2019) during an all-hands meeting at TEN’s headquarters in Carlsbad, California.

Things may not be looking all that bright for current TEN employees. As one media executive who is not involved with either company told us, “I would assume this is going to be brutal. American Media has tons of debt, so I doubt they’re going to invest in anything. They probably see synergies and cost-cutting as a quick way to shape up the bottom line.”

So there we have it and… Would it be rude at this point to be jealous? If there ever was a surf tabloid it was your little ol’ BeachGrit.

New rumors just floating through the phone suggest TransWorld Snow just died and Snowboarder is hot on its heels.

Good thing the world has LodgeGrit!

More as this story develops.

From the Having-cake-and-eating-too Dept: Australian scientists test shark-bite resistant wetsuit!

Chas Smith

By

All fear is gone!

Who sang the mid-1980s banger “Didn’t We Almost Have it All?” Was it Madonna? No wait, it was totally Whitney Houston. “Didn’t we almost have it all? When love was all we had worth giving. The ride was worth the fall my friend…” etc. A fine enough song though filled with too much melancholy and one that surfers can forever erase because now we DO have it all… have it all in the form of a shark-bite resistant wetsuit.

Booya.

An Australian university is testing new materials designed to lessen the impact of shark bites, researchers said Tuesday (Jan 29), in a project aimed at reducing fatalities and easing the nerves of swimmers.

Researchers at Flinders University in Adelaide have received government funding to test a new neoprene – a synthetic rubber commonly used in wetsuits – against the force of a bite from several species, including the great white shark.

The new material – provided by manufacturers the university declined to identify – aims to reduce cuts and punctures from a shark attack, thus lessening blood loss for victims.

“We are cognisant that it will not prevent all injuries as it will not prevent fractures or crushing injuries,” associate professor Charlie Huveneers told AFP.

“However, most shark-bite fatalities are due to blood loss, and the ability to reduce such blood loss along with rapid emergency responses will hopefully decrease fatalities and injuries due to shark bites.”

Are you in for full pop? Is this the final bit of news you needed to build your dream home in Reunion?

Or are you filled with too much melancholy and a disbeliever?

nathan florence
"I've done three air reverses in my life," Nathan Florence said not very long ago. Now, two 540s in a session!

Miracle: Nathan Florence learns how to do airs!

Derek Rielly

By

"I need to get in on this," says wingless Conner Coffin.

Only a few years ago, the middle Florence bro, who has the Hebrew name Nathan (significant prophet, also son of King David), confessed to me, “Airs. I can’t do airs, surfing.”

I was shocked, natch, and pressed Nathan to be specific.

At what level, I said, can’t you do airs? Can you land a straight air, a little air rev or are you bereft of wings?

“I’ve landed three air reverses in my whole life,” he said.

I asked if this failure was a lack of desire or a mechanical issue?

“First, I never thought of them,” he said. “I didn’t care about ’em and then the way people started doing airs, like John, Matt and Albee, those things are actually nuts and then I started trying to do airs. And I just realised that I was a complete failure at them. The mechanics are foreign to me. I can get myself in the air but no matter what, when I land on my board, I’m eating shit.”

This changed earlier today when Nathan, who has climbed out of his shell on social media and has become the most popular of the three brothers, announced he’d been studying airs and that, oowee, maybe it wasn’t beyond his realm.

In the clip below, Nathan, stomps a swinging backside 540.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BtRQV58gH2F/

The response was excellent.

His older brother John sent a picture of a rocket ship.

Surfer magazine used emojis to signal his journey from chick to hawk.

Meanwhile, Conner Coffin, a boy who also can’t fly, wrote, “I need to get in on this!”

True!

Photo: Jack English
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