An apocalyptic scenario too real to ignore…
This is the first and last thing I’m going to say about VALs. Already the acronym is starting to feel like the blunt trauma of a foamie to the back of the neck. And I don’t have a thick, musky coat of neck hair like Nick Carroll to soften the blow.
What if VALs are merely the forerunners for something much uglier?
What if VALs are a sign?
The rise of the globally useless has infiltrated our “teeny, tiny world of aquatic poncing” (Negatron, 2018) and now we’re forced to take stock. We are Rick Grimes, Season 1, Episode 1 cowering in our tank as a whole world of shit converges on us. We just have no idea how much.
Author and Futurist Yuval Harari believes that artificial intelligence and machine learning will rob us of work and give rise to what he calls “The Useless Class”.
It starts with menial, repetitive work which is easily automated, driving, data entry, the postal service. These workers become stranded, unskilled and unable to access work again.
Next come the white collar jobs… teachers, doctors, lawyers… all will be usurped by algorithms. All will be superseded by thinking machines that will perform with greater efficiency and make fewer mistakes.
And, for the indeterminate measure of time the AI tolerates the dumb, slow monkeys, we will exist as The Useless Class. Left to occupy our time with leisure and vices.
Sounds potentially fun, yeah?
Unshackled from the drudgery of the 9-5 and free to #followyourpassion. #blessed indeed!
What will you do, given everything on the table?
Every available vice and decadence at your fingertips, with no constraints of time or money. Will you buffet? Will you pile high with little morsels, enjoying it all greatly but never spending too much time on one thing? (Pro tip: I hear heroin is very more-ish. If you want a good overview of the rest maybe save that one for dessert.)
My worry is, that since surfing is already the divine fusion of both leisure and vices, that it will be the chosen pastime of the coming apocalypse. It will be a petri dish for VALs.
It’s like that game with the tennis ball tied to a string on a post. You don’t need to be uniquely qualifed or even talented or co-ordinated to play that. It’s for everyone! Like, surfing is now. Yeah?
Think of the newcomers when our only concerns are how to leisure harder and get better drugs. Everyone will surf.
Most people won’t progress. And they won’t even care.
They’ll just dip in and out because it’s all so fun and egalitarian and political sortofbutnot! And don’tyoufuckingdare question them about it. Surfing is a fun, throwaway thing for everyone to do!
Right?
It’s like that game with the tennis ball tied to a string on a post. You don’t need to be uniquely qualifed or even talented or co-ordinated to play that.
It’s for everyone! Like, surfing is now. Yeah?
VALs are a bit of a joke to us. But as we career towards our androgynous LGBTQSUPVAL future, we must prepare for this emboldened Useless Class. We must prepare for surfing in the future to be one big happy clappy foaming shitfight. More than it is already.
They’ll just dip in and out because it’s all so fun and egalitarian and political sortofbutnot! And don’tyoufuckingdare question them about it. Surfing is a fun, throwaway thing for everyone to do!
Just as reality television eventually became reality, so too will social media and all its associated cuntishness become the new norm.
One day VALs will be the OGs. It’s funny til it’s not.
So, next time you paddle out and find yourself surrounded by VALs, and it’s more awkward than bumping into Travis Ferre in a Meet The Writers section, just take a moment.
Look around. Breathe it in. Accept it.
For this is our Future.
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JP, you’re over on that side of the world.
Can you see Bicko from where you’re standing? Maybe go peek over the hedge eh?
Hope he’s OK and loving life.
Oi Bicko!
bicko has gone surfing.
Ha ha, did you actually run into Travis?
https://beachgrit.com/meet-…
I see
Half term dump.
I think it will be OK. Until the overlords program the robots and AI to surf unbroken waves.
I think that is much farther off.
Fully Automated Luxury Communism (FALC) – google it.
I prefer semi automated business class centrism
I decided to google “VAL” and see if there was anything remotely funny as far as alternative acronym meanings. Wanna read something fucked up? Value Added Logistics. Are we pushing this VAL narrative or is the WSL?
“Most people won’t progress. And they won’t even care”.
Most think they rip, and we’ll never be anything but a ego!
Fixed it
So then nothing will change from before?
From VALS will come Beach Grit readers….one day…perhaps…maybe?
Blah blah blah. Dude, what did you think of that North Sea Holes clip from fuckin Yorkshire. I’m frothin. Am I insane?
Haven’t watched yet! It’s on my list.
Edit: just watched it. You’re right, it’s shit hot. But it sure ain’t Yorkshire!
Hmmm. Back to google earth I go.
Well, it’s Yorkshire and Durham, isn’t it?
Durham might be more in the ballpark. Not Yorkshire, to my knowledge.
Durham might be more in the ballpark. Not Yorkshire, to my knowledge.
I just wanna go back, back to 1999
Take a ride to my old neighborhood
I just wanna go back, sing, “hit me, baby, one more time”
Wanna go back, wanna go
Yeah, I just wanna go back
Nike Airs, all that
CD, old Mercedes
Drive ’round listening to Shady like, oh
Never under pressure, oh
Those days it was so much better, oh
Feelin’ cool in my youth, relaxin’
No money, no problem
It was easy back then
Ooh, wish that we could go back in time, uh
Got memories
Ooh, maybe we can do it tonight
Tonight’s the night
Yeah, I remember back home
Best friends, all night, no phone
No cares, I was dumb and so young
My room singing Michael Jackson (hee, hee)
Never under pressure, oh, those days it was so much better
Feelin’ cool in my youth
I’m askin’, “Does anyone remember how we did it back then?”
Ooh, wish that we could go back in time, uh
Got memories
Ooh, maybe we can do it tonight
Tonight’s the night
Ah, yeah.
JP….Kooks Rule!
Makes it easier for the rulers to rule….as real surfers…..well “they are the worst”! To Control!
I think this first and last word was maybe one too many…
Universal Living Wage will lead to more morons like me and Jennings starting surf podcasts. A new category will emerge – the VASP, achingly similar to WASP the vulnerable adult surf podcaster will annoy JP to the point he spontaneously combusts while re-enacting his brothers standing wank while watching golf.
Never heard it.
Surely the Useless Class’s self esteem will be far too low for them to contemplate such a fucking terrible activity, they’ll just get into drugs instead.
Where it’s always light offshore.
But the closeouts are killer.
True that
Been smashed a couple of times but still here, still smiling.
Already studying machine learning/data mining in my spare time.
These useless cunts won’t be able to afford coastal real estate though.
They’ll end up in tent cities set up next to cut price wave tubs.
wasting your time. data mining requires ne human
You could probably decimate all the remaining jobs in surf writing by feeding the collected works of Surf/er/ing, Stab, ASL, Tracks etc into a ML model like this dude did with Harry Potter; https://medium.com/deep-wri…
Decimate means kill 1 in 10, not all.
Sorry to be a Marcus.
-kisses.
It’s a truly grim word.
Thanks for the grammar coaching. Can you also help me with my inconsistent backhand barrel riding?
https://www.theguardian.com…
This article is such an inordinate amount of dribble i am heading the hardware store to get more buckets…… Bloody hell!
Get me one, chum.
Butlerian Jihad – right now !
Get em all back working.
Say what you will about vals but I don’t think hardcore surfers like “stoney McBluntee” or “shreds McDuff” are the reason why the surf industry exists.
Hey Balls McLongdick
I caught you a delicious Bass
You wanna play me?
What are your skills?
You know like nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills…
The only thing I fear more than a potential VAL onslaught is the #loyaltothefoil virus taking a firm hold amongst the Emerging Intermediate class
As the useless class will have lost their status that they got from their jobs (stacking shelves, flipping burgers, taking orders from their dickhead bosses etc…) – they won’t be fucking around on Bics and NSPs, they’ll either rip or not surf, but yeah Winter is Coming!