An apocalyptic scenario too real to ignore…
This is the first and last thing I’m going to say about VALs. Already the acronym is starting to feel like the blunt trauma of a foamie to the back of the neck. And I don’t have a thick, musky coat of neck hair like Nick Carroll to soften the blow.
What if VALs are merely the forerunners for something much uglier?
What if VALs are a sign?
The rise of the globally useless has infiltrated our “teeny, tiny world of aquatic poncing” (Negatron, 2018) and now we’re forced to take stock. We are Rick Grimes, Season 1, Episode 1 cowering in our tank as a whole world of shit converges on us. We just have no idea how much.
Author and Futurist Yuval Harari believes that artificial intelligence and machine learning will rob us of work and give rise to what he calls “The Useless Class”.
It starts with menial, repetitive work which is easily automated, driving, data entry, the postal service. These workers become stranded, unskilled and unable to access work again.
Next come the white collar jobs… teachers, doctors, lawyers… all will be usurped by algorithms. All will be superseded by thinking machines that will perform with greater efficiency and make fewer mistakes.
And, for the indeterminate measure of time the AI tolerates the dumb, slow monkeys, we will exist as The Useless Class. Left to occupy our time with leisure and vices.
Sounds potentially fun, yeah?
Unshackled from the drudgery of the 9-5 and free to #followyourpassion. #blessed indeed!
What will you do, given everything on the table?
Every available vice and decadence at your fingertips, with no constraints of time or money. Will you buffet? Will you pile high with little morsels, enjoying it all greatly but never spending too much time on one thing? (Pro tip: I hear heroin is very more-ish. If you want a good overview of the rest maybe save that one for dessert.)
My worry is, that since surfing is already the divine fusion of both leisure and vices, that it will be the chosen pastime of the coming apocalypse. It will be a petri dish for VALs.
It’s like that game with the tennis ball tied to a string on a post. You don’t need to be uniquely qualifed or even talented or co-ordinated to play that. It’s for everyone! Like, surfing is now. Yeah?
Think of the newcomers when our only concerns are how to leisure harder and get better drugs. Everyone will surf.
Most people won’t progress. And they won’t even care.
They’ll just dip in and out because it’s all so fun and egalitarian and political sortofbutnot! And don’tyoufuckingdare question them about it. Surfing is a fun, throwaway thing for everyone to do!
Right?
It’s like that game with the tennis ball tied to a string on a post. You don’t need to be uniquely qualifed or even talented or co-ordinated to play that.
It’s for everyone! Like, surfing is now. Yeah?
VALs are a bit of a joke to us. But as we career towards our androgynous LGBTQSUPVAL future, we must prepare for this emboldened Useless Class. We must prepare for surfing in the future to be one big happy clappy foaming shitfight. More than it is already.
They’ll just dip in and out because it’s all so fun and egalitarian and political sortofbutnot! And don’tyoufuckingdare question them about it. Surfing is a fun, throwaway thing for everyone to do!
Just as reality television eventually became reality, so too will social media and all its associated cuntishness become the new norm.
One day VALs will be the OGs. It’s funny til it’s not.
So, next time you paddle out and find yourself surrounded by VALs, and it’s more awkward than bumping into Travis Ferre in a Meet The Writers section, just take a moment.
Look around. Breathe it in. Accept it.
For this is our Future.