"It looked like Occy had eaten half of him and spat the rest out."
You got your sea legs on for the fifty-year storm, comrades, or as Kelly called it, “the twenty-year storm from Point Break”?
Getting that so wrong must have made a mid-level marketing exec in the Santa Monica high tower cry after the blizzard of hype unleashed over the last 24 hours.
Beautiful, beautiful hype and has put me in the most positive frame of mind imaginable.
Go elsewhere if you want to read negativity; this will be pure positive vibration. Even scratching the opening sentence, “Sage Erickson is not a CT surfer” does not bother.
A “full reset” was in the works according to Luke Egan.
“A different event” in the view of Peter Mel.
And that is the truth.
Somehow, this event is stretching out across a Biblical timescale and Kieren Perrow seems as cool and insouciant as a Spanish matador as the end of the event window scuffs the dirt.
The luxury of overlapping heats must give the illusion of endless time.
Tomorrow will likely seem another event entirely as the fabled fifty-year storm arrives.
I know the talk is of Carissa Moore and Steph Gilmore but my gal is Lakey Peterson, and I think she can bring the best bottom turn/top turn combination on Tour into the vortex tomorrow.
She will not, as Rosie said, “make a meal of it”. That faux pas was even too much for Ronnie.
At some point during the Caroline Marks heat the conclusion became inescapable: she is the Number One ranked Female Surfer on Earth and I cannot watch her surf. Her turns look over-coached and formulaic and she makes the very act of surfing look difficult and awkward. Four-foot Bells Bowl made a lot of the ladies look less than stellar.
“We’re gunna feast on it Rosie,” he quickly corrected.
Did you watch the women?
For some reason I seem to have lost the capacity to enjoy it. Women’s pro surfing that is. Not that much of a mystery.
At some point during the Caroline Marks heat the conclusion became inescapable: she is the Number One ranked Female Surfer on Earth and I cannot watch her surf.
Her turns look over-coached and formulaic and she makes the very act of surfing look difficult and awkward. Four-foot Bells Bowl made a lot of the ladies look less than stellar.
Kelly beat Julian. It’s far more accurate to say Julian lost the heat – so badly you’d almost call for an investigation – than Kelly won it. You were rooting for Kelly? Me too.
Maybe I’ve just been spending too much time at the Pass watching leashless vixens glide on longboards, taunting impotent Dads in the shorebreak.
Kelly beat Julian.
It’s far more accurate to say Julian lost the heat – so badly you’d almost call for an investigation – than Kelly won it.
An appreciative crowd had gathered to show Kelly the love that was absent from the Gold Coast.
You were rooting for Kelly? Me too.
The waves slowed up. A restart was in the offing but Kelly caught a dribbler up near Rincon. Went a wave under priority. Three turns, one flubbed and fell off on a cutback rebound. A mid-five.
Julian failed three rides in a row.
Kelly’s best wave featured a bogged first turn that he turned into an awkward slide which segued into a weirdly caught bottom turn into two more clean turns. His board looked chattery, catchy and unreliable.
He later admitted that he “surfed nervously”.
Somehow, those two very ordinary waves were enough to put Julian into a subtle combo. With eight minutes to go it was time for Kelly’s much vaunted strategy game to come into play and he squeezed the life out of the rest of the heat.
That sent Pottz and Joe into a froth and they had basically granted him his Twelveth World Title by the time the hooter sounded. If he paddles out on one of those chattery plastic paddle pop sticks tomorrow he’s gunna get slayed.
Granted, he has to be the main pitch man for his board label but surely for the love of God there has to be an old Merrick circa 2006 they can paint up with a Posca pen for the rest of the event?
Ageing is such a strange beast.
“People don’t like seeing old people on screens,” said fifty-two-year-old Stephen Malkmus, former front man of slacker rock band Pavement, “facts are facts”.
It was my first thought after seeing a wiry, wizened old man hopping across the face on a Black Beauty. Followed by “Who shrunk Tom Curren?”
It looked like Occy had eaten half of him and spat the rest out.
The famous style, last seen so elegantly threading J-Bay, was almost entirely absent.
Occy was still Occy, thank God, the equally famous jawline expanding precipitously over the bull-like physique and threatening to over-topple the Occ on his first few waves.
It was deluxe viewing for the connoisseur: Kelly in the booth with an $84 OK fishermans beanie* (superfine Merino, organic cotton blend) along with Ronnie and Luke. Best commentary ever.
Tom got weirder than weird on a skimboard and everyone clapped along. Occy did the best turn of the heat, with the truly beautiful thing about it being the lead-up high-line. Post-modern pro surfing has relied on the tweak and extra pump at the bottom of the wave, a constant bugbear for aesthetes who value a pure line.
Occy added the tweak to the high-line, generating an effortless acceleration. The resultant backhand blast got the plaudits from the pundits but it was the set-up work that was sublime.
As for Tom’s skimboard surfing I simply don’t know what to think…. maybe someone from Santa Babs can chime in.
All this abundant time that KP had to play with seemed to evaporate at high-tide Winkipop. The swell had a few goes at filling in, without much success.
Lanky Aussie goofyfoots like Ryan Callinan and Jacob Willcox had the most success being able to fit the vertical backhand hook into what Luke Egan described as a “shorter distance of time.” Quite right.
Willcox, like Heazlewood, and even R-Call to a lesser extent, seem to come from this mould of under-the-radar pros who have been around for ever, over-looked and now are here on the scene fully formed as CT level pros.
Filipe and Ciao had the heat of the day. Filipe, many cuts above the level so far on display and under-scored, skipped out to a big lead. A wave with perfect flow and variety was discarded by judges.
Ibelli fought back gamely, in the words of the italian writer Roberto Calasso, “He has no style of his own, but uses every style”. The clock ticked down and Ibelli could not surmount the score required.
Seth Moniz will win rookie of the year. Furthermore, and this will offend some readers, but the diminutive greenhorn, with his flawless top-to-bottom repertoire and glue feet, is a replica Adriano De Souza with Hawaiian style. He easily accounted for Mikey Wright, who hasn’t looked right at all so far this season.
A shorter distance of time. A perfect zen koan for the day.
Nonsensical and yet perfectly understandable.
We are still only halfway through round three, can you believe that?
Tomorrow, I think, will be very entertaining. Worth getting stocked up for.
Whatever Tom Curren smokes; I’ll take that if it’s OK with you.
*A real Irish cable knit 100% merino wool beanie available for $24.95 from the Aran Islands.
Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach Men’s Round 3 (H1-8) Results:
Heat 1: Kelly Slater (USA) 11.84 DEF. Julian Wilson (AUS) 7.20
Heat 2: Peterson Crisanto (BRA) 11.97 DEF. Michael Rodrigues (BRA) 11.67
Heat 3: Conner Coffin (USA) 13.43 DEF. Soli Bailey (AUS) 11.83
Heat 4: Ryan Callinan (AUS) 12.50 DEF. Michel Bourez (FRA) 10.76
Heat 5: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 14.50 DEF. Caio Ibelli (BRA) 13.07
Heat 6: Seth Moniz (HAW) 14.00 DEF. Mikey Wright (AUS) 8.50
Heat 7: Jacob Willcox (AUS) 13.24 DEF. Kolohe Andino (USA) 12.20
Heat 8: Deivid Silva (BRA) 13.17 DEF. Wade Carmichael (AUS) 11.87
Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach Remaining Men’s Round 3 (H8-16) Matchups:
Heat 9: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Reef Heazlewood (AUS)
Heat 10: Willian Cardoso (BRA) vs. Yago Dora (BRA)
Heat 11: Owen Wright (AUS) vs. Ricardo Christie (NZL)
Heat 12: John John Florence (HAW) vs. Jadson Andre (BRA)
Heat 13: Italo Ferreira (BRA) vs. Jack Freestone (AUS)
Heat 14: Ezekiel Lau (HAW) vs. Jeremy Flores (FRA)
Heat 15: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) vs. Adrian Buchan (AUS)
Heat 16: Jordy Smith (ZAF) vs. Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA)
Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach Men’s Round 4 Matchups:
Heat 1: Kelly Slater (USA) vs. Peterson Crisanto (BRA)
Heat 2: Conner Coffin (USA) vs. Ryan Callinan (AUS)
Heat 3: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Seth Moniz (HAW)
Heat 4: Jacob Willcox (AUS) vs. Deivid Silva (BRA)
Heat 5: TBD Following Conclusion of MR3
Heat 6: TBD Following Conclusion of MR3
Heat 7: TBD Following Conclusion of MR3
Heat 8: TBD Following Conclusion of MR3
correct on the gurls.
About time someone mentioned Marks style. If you take a certain 30% of the arc of her back hand hooks its brilliant, the rest is over rated.
The Occ Curren heat was ruined by sending them out in high tide small bowl. No one surfs that well. Filmed from above makes it look easier. In the water it looks barely rideable on a foil apart from the take off and end section.
Video.
Poor Caroline is only 17 and has been groomed by the tour. Hate the game not the player
Dang, I had a wonderful Oppenheimer 610 once upon a time. Thanks for the memory
$19.99 possum fur beanie from Hanmer springs NZ
For old stylemasters Toms surfing was nice to watch. Occy is a legend and grunted his way to victory. I use the word grunted not as a disrespect. He did have some smooth moments too. Both great guys. Bummer the waves sucked.
so, I recently read about merino wool, now I like wool, don’t get me wrong and ain’t a big fan of peta, but if this shit is true you Australians in the lamb business are mean cunts…. I shouldn’t eat meat. I guess i will just shut my eyes and take the red pill, no wait the blue pill.. awe shit. we are a mean bunch aint we.
Is this the bit about chopping asses off sheep so it covers in scar tissue
Mulesing/castration/though they say they are changing and breeding em different soon enough. The real ass pucker is when they ship em to the real animal welfare agents in the Mid East. But again. I think I’m gonna take the blue pill
I’m sure Patagonia will save us with another catalog or jacket though
Finally someone called out Caroline Marks. Jesus her style is horrible. All I can see is those stumpy arms swinging every time she does another choreographed turn. So hard to watch. She feels a lot like an arm-y Wilko. Same backside turn every time. So boring. So stumpy.
I think you were a bit generous with Occy. TC may not have been the better but he hardly got smoked. And I don’t think he was late on takeoffs repeatedly like Occy. Save for that one turn, which is amazingly stiff and top heavy despite pulling it, he was pretty medium. Most people on this website could eat crap taking off too late as well as he did. He completely lacks power off of his back foot like he used to have.
As for TC, or any of the old guys for that matter, I think we have to face reality that at 54 years old, even the best’s skills decline. That said, in surf he is interested in TC still has some game, even on one of his legit skimboards, which that board was not. He has way more extreme craft than that.
On that note, I get the pageantry of Bells but holy shit what a crap wave. Such a burger. Give me Winki any day.
Very generous to Occy. The man can barely lift his head to paddle.
Bells is not a CT tour stop and after watching wonky Winki, neither is that. I did enjoy surfing it though and don’t think it has looked right this contest.
Good call BR, Occy is completely off his front leg muscling through anything. Needs a bigger board, more foam… the booth is so willing to blow smoke up his skirt, might as well ride a mid size wide one and just play with high speed lines.
Hey LT, you think it’s odd that Chloe announced that he was flying home for 4 days after a miserable loss? Does this kid have any fire? Marriage and a comfy life have ruined many a surfer, but fuck man this kids like 25 max and has lost all his fire.
Just logistically, that’s a 14+ hour flight back to LAX, two hour drive home minimum so that he can do the same effort to get to Bali? Why not just go now Chloe? Is it gods plan that you accept losing if it means a ticket home? Does it matter being rested and in tune when they start the Bali event???
I would not leave the southern hemisphere.
And don’t know if anyone noticed the passive aggressive shade thrown at Luke’s “mate” Dave Mc Cauley. Luke describes him in glowing terms over and over….. “Consistent”….. as Bronte’s heat bores the viewers to death.
Women winning heats with total of 7, 8? Carissa can win this thing just showing up.
In my view Curren was without interests in this heat, or at the show in Bell’s.
Not in a mood…
In my opinion Curren beats Occy, when he wants today, and this is proved times before in others heritage heats
Completely more dinamic today than Occy.
The problem is that TC lives in his own world, as always!
He was clowning the heat, pure and simple.
Years ago, Dave Parmenter did something similar at HB. Dave picked up a longboard mid heat and surfed his heat old old school… No leash too, but millenials weren’t as cautious about injuries back then.
Funny you should mention Dave Parmenter in the context of this heat because he is the one Occy wanted to call a wanker but in classic Occy style , there was some confusion , mistook him for the Iceman from Cape Town Jonathan Paarman and had to be corrected by the journalist who did the interview .
Wanker how won a world title from Elko at very Bells…..
Of course Tom took the trophy, but Dave won it.
That was against dog marsh where he took out a mal and did some drop knee cutbacks and promptly lost 🙂 curren on the other hand rode the fish against hoy (when no one had ridden a fish for like 15 years) and won!
I agreed completely!
Waves totally flats
And for more absurd it appears, takes the hybrid skimboard / surfboard for that’s conditions were kinda… right!
But clearly TC was joking with all about
please learn the language, cunt….
no!!!
And that wasn’t a skimboard.
Didn’t think so either but that’s what they were saying over the PA.
The noise from the booth disguised how poor the surf was, glad I had left to a dinner out now that I watched a replay.
“Occy’s my idol, Curren’s my idol, my surfing is a mix of Pottz and Curren” Please Kelly, shut up.
Meanwhile, Strider is speechless with a microphone in the channel, affixed to the “action”.
Wait, Curren deposits a very short Black Beauty to the sand and picks up another stick. My first thought is Occy doesn’t have the fitness level to change boards and paddle out from the point again. But why Tom, why?
Irony strikes as Kelly dissects an unusual board that doesn’t fit the strength/weakness of the waves on offer. Has Kelly become so tone deaf?
Is Kelly becoming Cheyne Horan himself? How many potential wins has Kelly gambled riding poor surfboards?
Tom knew the waves were shitty, he expected a shaky Occ and what the hell, why not make a joke out of a joke heat?
The orgasm in the booth of Mark’s one turn, mostly a set up, but one turn was profound. There literally was nothing to talk about, but good ol Kelly filled the void as only he can.
You ever been on a flight where you said hello to the person seated next to you who took your “friendliness” as a reason to chat endlessly about something, anything?
That’s all Kelly needs now, any stage will do.
Trump’s favorite part of the presidency is the MAGA rallies. The affection of strangers most be a hell of drug for slater as well.
Don’t talk shit on Curren fools! Kelly needs to pull head out and ride a real mans board a thick juicy thruster. Foam is your friend Kelly you freak of nature and lover of expensive fashion, my boy!
Carissa looked the best of any of the surfers that I saw (I got distracted by Caps-Canes Double OT and then bed).
Her turns were better than Kelly’s.
Julian looked…lost.
lakey had a few… b’s look good right now.. the caps losing is a big opening.
You’d have to think that the Bruins are the favorite to win the east, right?
oh, please… yes.. but i hate saying it… the caps losing that game is unbelievable.. wtf.. they were shredding them when i went to bed.
Only interesting thing about the Bruins for me is local boy Charlie McAvoy. After that…I got nothin’.
marchand is fun to watch. and of course the best all around center in the league, Bergeron?
I’d take Bergeron on my team in a second.
it is amazing how he gets back on d, even against the young guns. whose your team?
I’m a die hard Rangers fan but a huge fan of the game in general.
but I get it.. Toronto passing and shooting is just so fn good and skilled. It makes B’s look like ham and eggs. The way Toronto gets those long double line passes out of their own zone is sick. I remember when they got rid of that rule, I thought it would break the league.. they have really made hockey better opening it up. Can’t believe more folks don’t watch it. the concept of a bouncing puck in itself in the playoffs, when the boys don’t get paid anymore and the play just goes up about 10 notches and the intensity… it is so fn awesome
your assessment of currens surfing is either dumb or ignorant.
what did you see CkT?
Not in a historical sense, but the actuality of what transpired.
I saw Curren letting Occy have a win.
Did you not see Currens gilde and flow on his home made board and fins?
Do you not think that it takes a great skill to pull off?
I think that it requires more skill than trying to bash the lip on a standard board made in a machine..
Speed and flow matter more to me than how much spray you throw.
So, Occy only wins because thats what the WSl wants.
Come to Oahu next winter and you will see how well Tom still surfs.
Occy is no where near him.
Tom was being nice and playing while Occy was trying as hard as possible to redeem himself.
Thats what I saw transpire
Felipe has become a pure rail surfer so clean. You can sense he really loves riding waves. Caio as well had that one that had the flow going.
Who is in charge at these comps? The lack of communication to the viewer is stunning. We are told by Kieran that after Legends heat it’s off to winki. Then we get 45 of the most painful, awkward minutes in sport with sleepy eyed Luke and Jurassic Park Pete rambling on with no continuity about nothing. No follow up on winki heats no details then, all of a sudden, there is a winki heat.
What happened to Pat O? Steve do you know? His Instagram says he flew back to salt creek April 9.
How the fuck is it a good idea to throw a 53 and a 55 year old on shit surf? K. Perrow! Kunt Perrow!
Watching the Curren/Occy bogged rail and extra face gliding heat, I was thinking that I stood a chance at winning a heat against them and Fat Pottz (especially), granted I’m being delusional. KVF for Heritage Series Wild Card! Also, it’s amazing you single out Marks for having bad style when the Women’s Tour also happens to feature the heinous Sally Carmichael and Tati “Horse Stance” Weston-Webb.
We the people have no objections to the horse stance Karl
Its the square jaw dude face I object to
You’re looking at it the wrong way
Why is everyone sagging off Caroline when the blonde brasilian with the crab stance is even worse? I don’t mind marks, she can turn the board at least. A couple of the girls like Macy looked like they belonged on the QS.
tatiana has horrible style.
caroline rips.
they are blind
Both have terrible styles
Both rip
Marks is number 1 in the world, gathers more attention
I’m 48 and hardly surf but I’m pretty sure I could be top 5 in the women’s division if I got a new board and got back in the water. Is that weird to think that way? Hard to watch except for Carissa and Steph.
Hard to watch? Maybe. There’s eyes for everything.
Is it weird to think (and write) what you just did? Yes, not just weird but also really dumb and naive – unless you’re some retired pro? Then I take back what I said