Still, John John Florence surfed with "divine violence" and a little seaweed terrified pro surfers and caused temporary postponement of event…
John John Florence, back-to-back World Champion in 2016 and seventeen, walked with head bowed slowly and carefully across the intertidal platform at Winkipop. His feet dodging the sharp spires of mineralised paleogene sediment and enjoying the crisp crunch of Neptunes necklace (hormosira banksii-edible*) underneath them.
Wan yellow light, typical of a sun well past the autumn equinox, strained through the high cloud. A day in the sun that would not strain the melatonin of an Irish redhead.
Classic Victorian morning.
Day six of a disjointed waiting period. Heat 10 of round one had already been surfed. Inconsistent, sectiony head-high walls with a funky little cross hatch running through it from the south-west.
Another day where the highest command would be “get the job done”. Bourez smashed it, he blows tail on the end section now, like Connor Coffin. Once I realised that the official narrative had changed and round one was now the Seeding Round and round two had been renamed the Elimination Round I went back to the Quik Pro cached web archive in a panic.
Would the WSL be so bold to rewrite history so soon after it occurred?
No, it was safe. Round one and two still existed, for now. Only the present had been changed.
Being on the beach at sea level I didn’t get as comprehensive a view of John John’s surfing at D-Bah as I would have liked. Straight away during his first wave at Winki this morning I could see he had modified his technique.
The casual upright skating stance had been replaced with a more compressed line drive to the bottom of the wave, staying more coiled into the bottom turn. The extra zest in the bottom turn as a result of the centrifugal accelerative force was noticeable and significant.
John improved wave on wave all heat, with no priority. His surfing has been stripped back, every turn has a beginning, middle and end. He punched holes in the closeout sections with a divine violence.
A single criticism might be humbly made that his turn speed is still a notch away from both his 2017 high point and the Dane Reynolds bar circa 2009-2012.
I still bear a grudge from 2017, when John arrived at Bells after his era defining performance at Margarets and blew Fanning into irrelevance during their round four heat, only to be denied a final with Jordy Smith by an unforgivable judging snafu with Ciao Ibelli.
The forecast remaining still offers some hope of a retributive justice being served on that crime. John vs Jordy at six-to-eight-foot Bells Bowl. That would make wading through these hard slog days a worthwhile sacrifice.
And they are a slog.
Luckily, we are free to make the anti-depressant observations that no matter how you dress up the front end of the comp, rename it, rewrite history, put your best men and women on the job of hard-selling it to an uncomprehending public it’s an almighty slog that hoovers up vast amounts of time and leaks audience interest like a bucket with no bottom.
I’ve always made a living trusting my senses, relying on judgement; but in the moment you can get it wrong.
I was too harsh on Kelly last article, pointed out by a valued commenter and I did go back and look at the numbers and I got it wrong. Kelly’s performance was above standard for the day.
I’ve also stood beside Mikey Wright and know him to be a big man. Over six foot 80 kilos-plus. 176. Fighting UFC he would no doubt add the bulk and fight light heavyweight.
But there was Pete Mel on the sand telling us he came in at a scrawny 74 klicks. Isn’t Pete the “facts and numbers” guy?
In a tight heat Mikey was pushed into the dreaded Elimination Round by Peterson Crisanto and Kanoa Igarashi.
The women’s and men’s surfing running concurrently creates a disjunction in the aesthetic phenomenon of pro surfing, far more abrupt and disturbing on broadcast than when viewing live.
Carissa Moore and Steph Gilmore hold their own when put into this close quarters comparison, the rest of the women suffer badly when viewed in such proximity to their male counterparts.
“Carrissa looks pissed,” said Old Bitch Tits Wasilewski , perhaps forgetting the meaning of such a phrase on the edge of this dusty old continent. She did look ferocious but Coco Ho clearly had her measure with extravagantly kicked out top turns.
Steph, no surprise, laid down the benchmark with – no surprise – perfect flow.
The four Elimination Round heats went down in weak high-tide Winkipop. The first one being delayed when Jack Freestone, seeing a large clump of seaweed, made the sign of a shark.
A little clumsily, I thought, by clasping his hands together and placing them on his head, in effect imitating a shark. I much prefer the single upright hand making the shape of a dorsal fin cleaving through the water.
Did you see it?
Wonder, like me, what the hell was going on?
Ronnie said something about wildlife. Lots of dead air.
Had the shark been erased from history like Rounds One and Two?
Was the shark now merely a metaphor, an unutterable word?
Owen Wright later admitted it was merely a clump of botanical material,- edible, no doubt, “jeez it was a big clump!” The show went on and the local wildcard was eliminated.
Soli Bailey made comeback from last to first after a shaky start, with some incisive inquiries into the lip and some cute little airs that judges paid.
Reef Heazelwood, can we just call him Catweazle and be done with it, has got a unique backhand where he can go up and come back down the same line, with a tweaked tail thrown in at the zenith of the arc.
Good enough to win heat three by a large margin.
M-Rod was underscored in the last heat, then over-scored by way of compensation to progress through with Caio Ibelli.
They ran the Fight for the Bight campaign heavily through the broadcast.
A delicate, delicate dance don’t you think?
The energy intensive lifestyle of the modern surfer relies on the utilisation of these ancient deposits of hydrocarbons.
No human on earth past, present or future is more dependent on it than the Pro Surfer. The ocean means so much to the WSL, yet they are partners and advocates in a technology of energy hungry devices making waves in tubs with precious fresh water. Devices they wish to propagate around the world.
I don’t judge.
There’s no life worth living on Earth without a measure of hypocrisy.
Will you simplify your life? Cut down on resource use, OS trips, surfboards?
Go on then. I will if you will.
But, you go first.
*Very nice raw, or dried, ground up and sprinkled on a green salad.
Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach Men’s Remaining Round 1 (H10-12) Results:
Heat 10: Deivid Silva (BRA) 10.67 DEF. Michel Bourez (FRA) 10.60, Reef Heazlewood (AUS) 10.34
Heat 11: John John Florence (HAW) 13.00 DEF. Willian Cardoso (BRA) 7.67, Jesse Mendes (BRA) 7.53
Heat 12: Peterson Crisanto (BRA) 10.87 DEF. Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) 10.46, Mikey Wright (AUS) 9.33
Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach Men’s Round 2 Results:
Heat 1: Owen Wright (AUS) 11.30 DEF. Jack Freestone (AUS) 10.80, Harrison Mann (AUS) 8.37
Heat 2: Soli Bailey (AUS) 13.03 DEF. Wade Carmichael (AUS) 11.74, Xavier Huxtable (AUS) 11.40
Heat 3: Reef Heazlewood (AUS) 12.67 DEF. Mikey Wright (AUS) 11.50, Jesse Mendes (BRA) 11.46
Heat 4: Michael Rodrigues (BRA) 12.83 DEF. Caio Ibelli (BRA) 11.07, Joan Duru (FRA) 7.64
Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach Men’s Round 3 Matchups:
Heat 1: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Kelly Slater (USA)
Heat 2: Peterson Crisanto (BRA) vs. Michael Rodrigues (BRA)
Heat 3: Conner Coffin (USA) vs. Soli Bailey (AUS)
Heat 4: Michel Bourez (FRA) vs. Ryan Callinan (AUS)
Heat 5: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Caio Ibelli (BRA)
Heat 6: Mikey Wright (AUS) vs. Seth Moniz (HAW)
Heat 7: Kolohe Andino (USA) vs. Jacob Willcox (AUS)
Heat 8: Wade Carmichael (AUS) vs. Deivid Silva (BRA)
Heat 9: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Reef Heazlewood (AUS)
Heat 10: Willian Cardoso (BRA) vs. Yago Dora (BRA)
Heat 11: Owen Wright (AUS) vs. Ricardo Christie (NZL)
Heat 12: John John Florence (HAW) vs. Jadson Andre (BRA)
Heat 13: Italo Ferreira (BRA) vs. Jack Freestone (AUS)
Heat 14: Ezekiel Lau (HAW) vs. Jeremy Flores (FRA)
Heat 15: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) vs. Adrian Buchan (AUS)
Heat 16: Jordy Smith (ZAF) vs. Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA)
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So you’re saying deviled eggs, but with wasabi and not Keen’s Curry Powder? My wife is interested.
50 year storm inbound!
http://www.bom.gov.au/austr…
On that topic, those salmon pens are the ghastliest things you could ever imagine. Battery farms in the ocean.
Never mind the wave tank, let’s talk about the hypocrisy of the Ziff brothers sitting on a heavily-opposed shale oil company that keeps pushing to drill in Queensland
Happy Cunt
“ciao” ibelli – love the autocorrect!
“The women’s and men’s surfing running concurrently creates a disjunction in the aesthetic phenomenon of pro surfing, far more abrupt and disturbing on broadcast than when viewing live.”
Yes.
It’s an obnoxious and pretentious disjunction.
An entire article could be written starting with that sentence of yours…a book or two, actually.
This guy writes like such a queer. Must be day drinking/smoking…
he’s read hunter s. thompson’s “how to write like a limp-wristed version of me”
you reckon that had even a beesdick resemblance to anything Hunter Thompson wrote you need to get off the gear.
Yah, I don’t hear HT in your writing at all — and that’s not a bad thing in my book.
Do you think every boy tries to write like H until he is, mmmm, twenty or so, then realises how silly it is and then finds his own voice? Do girls imitate H too? Or someone else?
the waffling search for clever shit. writing yourself and your feelings into the story. like i said….a limp wristed version. like the chicks vs the dudes out at bells. it’s ok mate. you’re not original…or local.
A little clumsily, I thought, by clasping his hands together and
placing them on his head, in effect imitating a shark. I much prefer the
single upright hand making the shape of a dorsal fin cleaving through
the water.
Did you see it?
Wonder, like me, what the hell was going on?
Ronnie said something about wildlife. Lots of dead air.
Had the shark been erased from history like Rounds One and Two?
Was the shark now merely a metaphor, an unutterable word?
Exhibit A: the limpest of wrists.
that actually is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said about my writing.
He’s obviously a fan of the Beats.
Or beating off while reading them
Do I write queer too? Many references to T-girls etc.
Is woolamai still a backup venue? Can first hand say that it pumped all day Saturday with good banks and light variable wind. I imagine Johanna was similar at twice the size. I know it’s a logistical pain in the cunt to move the event 3 hours away but it’s been that grim in Torquay so you’ve gotta wonder why they haven’t looked at their options yet. The world’s best surfers in the world’s most financially viable and geographically convenient waves!
I was talking to one of the organisers yesterday. He said ever since the WSL took over with its telecast they can’t even realistically move to Johanna anymore. They have rolled out cable between Bells and Winki and that’s it.
This struck me as a bit weird because let’s face it, there’s no real need to put the commentators on the same beach as competition when they can just access the same vision we have. That’s what they must do when it’s at the box and half the other spots anyhow.
There’ll be swell for the end of the event anyway. Thursday/Friday look like being quite big. The wind will be westerly tending SW late, which is not great but it could be worse. We might even get some rain!
Fair enough, just don’t know why they pretend there’s backup venues when there’s no chance of it being held anywhere except Bells/Winki.
Lucky it’s rarely shit for 2 straight weeks in that neck of the woods, after the Gold Coast/D’Bah debacle they’d be shit scared of another event finishing in trash conditions.
The problem is when it gets late in the waiting period and they have to hold it in howling Southerly, or worse, an Easterly. That year Richie Collins won it was shite. One of the recent ones (was it last year or the year before?) the final was shit too. But you are from Vic so you know what weather we get. If we can just get a bit of north in the wind on Thu/Fri it may well be epic!
Last year was decent from memory, Italo vs Fanning in the final. Pretty sure you’re right about the year before though.
Definitely looking forward to getting a few windows of good conditions later in the week for my own selfish needs but I suppose it’ll make the remainder of the wozzle circus infinitely better than what we’ve had so far this event!
Funnily enough, in the late 70s they moved a contest from Sydney to Bells for the finals . Seems like the freedom to watch the WSL Events livestreamed anywhere in the world restricts moving a contest 100km from the main site ? What price progress ….
Fark me I love an asterisk. I mean, I’ll scroll and scroll for one no matter the minimal return on effort, and today’s delivered on the goods, so thanks.
Also, yea, def in agreement on the casual, one-hand shark signalling. Gab’s planning to do it before each heat paddle-out at Margs.
The thing that annoys me is the stop startness off it all. Especially with the shitty forecast they’ve had where they might not surf for 3-4 days to then run a few heats then have the ladies surf for 4 hrs which I don’t watch then come back and watch the Elim Round.
Just eliminate whoever comes last in Round 1. Saves us a few shitty heats, no one wants to watch the bottom dozen surfers anyway
Advanced levels of doublethink are required to swallow the wozzles #savethebight campaign.
Ugggh, I understood last year’s format. I knew which round was which. Now, it’s all surf salad!
But I shall persevere and maybe achieve enlightenment of some kind.
I read it in the voice of Mr Bean
Just for a laugh.
Christian Fletcher has been vindicated – it totally was a seamonster!
The queen is here peasants! All bow and take heed. I thought I was suffering Malaise because life’s pleasures are starting to lose their lustre…..(Surfing, Sex, Robberies). Then I realised…..nah. Its just that GARBAGE D-Bah (worse than any Brazilian beach break) and now this…..it’s Dirk Ztiffffff and co that suck. Bring back good surfers in good waves por favor! The surf at my Bondi has literally been world class by comparison. (No I’m not Brazilian but I ain’t racist either bruh. (I love Brazzo Trannies)
check this then… http://www.riorelax.com
Also I checked in on my iPhone at wsl website at 6:45 oz time and they said it’s on at 7. Of course then I am forced to log onto FakeBook to watch heats and then was told it was on hold till 12:45. Fortunately I checked again 30 minutes later to find out it WAS on.
Really good write up LT. Top shelf BG is very fortunate to have you.
So far it seems the WSL is not putting a priority on getting the men in the best surf possible. Sunday Snapper debacle was unforgivable if they need Queensland gov dollars bad enough to sacrifice a great finals day on the first comp of the year then just pull the fucking plug.
Then going to the girls when waves were good at Winki THEN shifting back to elimination heats for men in absolute garbage. Truly pathetic organization skills it’s almost as if the WSL decision makers don’t even surf?
Hold the phone a few days Tired
Yeah forecast does look good. I think John wins.
Yeah 8ft bowl hard to go past him
You allude to it LT, but let me highlight one thing. In such shitty surf, often the only part of the wave you can count on is the end section…. the last hit. How is it possible that professional surfers of equal pay can not complete that last hit? I tried to watch Sage’s heat and that’s all I saw, blown easy opportunity.
According to former head judge, unless that last hit is six feet in the air, ain’t nothing gained or lost.
The seeding round confused the fuck out of me. It also served to emphasize that like, literally nothing was at stake in those heats, so uh, why am I watching them? Idk.
I find it more interesting than before. The low seeds can improve their seed by winning round 1. Means they may avoid a Medina or Toledo in Round 3.
Meanwhile 12 get sent to round 2 where they all scramble to avoid the embarrassment of being one of the four people who come dead last. At least in round 3 you’re knocked out with 16 others. Safety in numbers.
Oh, huh. Okay — that actually makes it more interesting. I mean, I just didn’t understand it at all. O_o
I guess I just sorta liked how straightforward last year’s version was — you lost in round 1, you surfed round 2, lose round 2 and you’re out.