Tragic: “Beach Bully” SUP pilot whacks man on head with paddle causing brain damage!

“This kind of behavior is not going to be tolerated by the `tribe!”

You and I both know that the SUP is a menace which should be confined to rivers, lakes and harbors. We have known this since the very first time we saw one stroking into the lineup with our own eyes. “What is this horror? Why is that man standing like a strange chicken on that flat kayak? Why is he sweeping the ocean with an oar?” None of it made sense until he lost his board near where we were duck diving and almost removed our heads from our bodies. Then the fear instinct took over and we were no longer afforded the luxury of wondering about greater meaning.

Well, it was only a matter of time before the standup paddle pilot became aggressive, like a caged mongrel, and lashed out at innocent surfers in the lineup and let us read the latest incident of a “beach bully” from Fox News San Diego. Let’s not delay because it could be your head on a paddle next.

Testimony began Friday morning in the trial of Paul Taylor Konen, charged with assault with a deadly weapon for allegedly striking Kevin Eslinger in the head with a paddle, as the men were out in the water at Sunset Cliffs on June 26, 2018.

Eslinger, 56, sustained a gash to the back of his head that Deputy District Attorney Matthew Greco said fractured his skull and caused brain damage, rendering him unable to speak at all until days after the injury. Greco alleged that an emergency room physician said the injury looked “like a hammer blow.”

The prosecution contends that after Konen nearly ran into Eslinger out on the water — forcing Eslinger to duck his head in order to avoid being struck by Konen’s paddle board — Eslinger objected to Konen’s flouting of proper surfing etiquette. Konen remarked, “If I can catch a wave, it’s mine,” the victim alleged.

Konen then allegedly ran into Eslinger’s wife and regular surfing partner elsewhere among the waves, knocking her off her board.

When Eslinger paddled out towards the defendant to ask him why he did that, he was struck in the head by an unknown object, which he later came to believe was an intentional blow from Konen’s paddle.

Defense attorney Brian McCarthy alleged that after the incidental encounter with Eslinger, Konen was simply trying to get away. He argued that Eslinger took umbrage and pushed Konen’s board away at first, which Eslinger testified was only to avoid injury.

After seeing his wife go into the water, McCarthy said Eslinger tried to cut Konen off, which Eslinger did not contradict, as he wanted to let Konen know “this kind of behavior is not going to be tolerated by the `tribe,”‘ according to Eslinger.

McCarthy alleged that Eslinger has changed his story several times since the incident, including telling an ER nurse that the back of Konen’s board struck him in the head.

“The question is did my client intentionally assault Mr. Eslinger or was there a situation where Mr. Eslinger got in front of my client’s path and got hurt?” McCarthy said.

Greco alleged that Konen admitted striking Eslinger to another person just before he was arrested. The prosecutor said Konen stated that Eslinger “was going to kill me” and that he swung at him to defend himself.

When you surf today, tell the nearest SUP pilot to head to the beach. Tell him to head to the beach and then find a river, lake or harbor in which to practice his deadly poison. Tell him “This kind of behavior is not going to be tolerated by the tribe!”


Livid fans blame Medina’s (relative) Quik pro failure on friendship with right-wing president, a soccer star and ass-shaking singer!

Are poon and politics distracting world champion Gabriel Medina?

Were you as surprised as me when the world champion Gabriel Medina, who seemed to have the Quiksilver Pro’s balls on the point of his knife, exited in a dull quarter-final with Jordy Smith, on a sub-ten point two-wave total? 

His fans, of which there are many millions, blamed three things: Brazil’s right-wing president Jair Bolsonaro, with whom Medina and his guy-pal, the soccer player Neymar, had been trading video messages, Neymar himself, and the poon-shaking singer Anitta, famous for her tight miniskirts, sequinned silver halters and precarious heels.

From one of Brazil’s biggest websites,

“The relationship of the surfer with the singer Anitta and the shirt 10 of the Brazilian national team Neymar do not do well to the athlete…In addition, some people point to Medina’s political stance as a problem. Last week, he and Neymar answered a message from President Jair Bolsonaro which divided his fans.”

From one: “He wants to be hated as Neymar is. He was never very smart and walking with Neymar and Annita and glorifying the myth. In the end the fans will turn against him, as with Neymar, an arrogant and uncultured person.”

Brazil media was also all over an old video of Medina filming a girl, cavorting I’d supposed you’d call it, in her underwear.

The clip, below, is pixellated for your safety.

Questions:

Has the tinsel fallen off the Medina Christmas tree?

Or is it this very devil-may-care attitude that has made Gabriel the surfer he is today?

 


Listen: “Mick Fanning and Steph Gilmore are saving professional surfing from itself!”

Can you take us higher?

I sat across from David Lee Scales today inside the opulent conference room of the Surfing Heritage and Culture Center, perched high in San Clemente’s hills. Spring has sprung here in southern California bringing with it a super bloom. Flowers everywhere. Optimism reigning supreme.

Optimism super blooming in my heart. Oh David Lee couldn’t temper my joy even when he told me that Kelly Slater embarrassed himself in Duranbah’s mystical middle peak. That he was bested severely by no-name bottom dwelling surfers of indeterminate origin. That he was almost brought to tears afterward and that it is far far far past him to retire.

Of course it is, but I sensed a new and wonderful title looming on his horizon. A title even better than the 11 championships he has won. What if Kelly Slater charted an everyman course and attempted to reel off 11 straight year-end 22nd place finishes? Being the last one to make the cut until he is 57-years-old? Tell me that you wouldn’t, once again, adorn yourself in his visage. Tell me it wouldn’t give you a reason to cheer.

It would be phenomenal. A triumph for the downtrodden. For us.

We also spoke of Keala Kennelly’s deserving a big, fat contract. I’m tired of brands promising equality, crowing about equality, thinking about equality. How about paying one woman equally? Like, with money?

And then David Lee and I shifted over to gambling and tattoos for a moment before coming back to the best moments of the Quiksilver Pro, outside Kelly’s new mission. Namely, Steph Gilmore plying an underaged champ with booze and Mick Fanning singing karaoke. These two, alone, are wresting professional surfing back from the edge of corporate blandness. These two, alone, are showing the way toward a beautiful, tipsy, future.

At the end I sang my own karaoke, the hit Part of Your World from Disney’s Little Mermaid.

Our best show yet?

Without a doubt.


"It's in dispute at the moment because one group have sold the land to the Chinese but I don't know if they are the traditional land owners. The actual traditional land owners are really disappointed with what they've done. Just their lack of respect for the laws. There are environmental impact assessments and the Chinese have just completely disregarded those and just gone for it. The Fijians are really concerned for their generations to come." Nav Fox. | Photo: newsroom.co.nz

Interview: Angourie Surfer Nav Fox on his Fiji war with reef-smashing Chinese developers!

"They underestimated us as a bunch of dumb surfers…"

Malolo is a volcanic island in the Mamanuca chain ’bout 40 minutes by speedboat from the main Island and that again out to Cloudbreak- pretty rough ride into the trades.

After staying there in 2015, I count it paradise on Earth, the Tavarua for the working gal.

You’ve seen it.

The land mass in the background of all those dreamy Restuarants lineup shots is Malolo. Nav Fox and pals got a lease on a patch of dirt along with a local man in 2015 and have now found themselves, as you know, in a nasty beef with a Chinese developer ironically named Freesoul, who’s henchmen make up for in aggression and exuberance what they lack in size.

Nav’s an Angourie local sired by noted underground shaper Albert Fox, part of a small but thriving cottage industry set up in sheds on Angourie Road which includes foam smiths like Luke Short, Rodney Dahlberg, Thornton Fallander and a bevy of skilled sander/glassers.

Nav is handy with a planer, makes a few on the side for family and friends but earns his main crust as a designer for homes and renos. Good gig to have in the Australian economy. If you’ve spent any-time at Angas you’ve seen him in the water. Friendly guy who rips with a classic Pointbreak style.

What Derek Hynd would call a fabric keeper. Papa to two kids.

What’s the background to the Fiji stoush, Nav?

Me and two other mates got a lease on the land in 2015, it looks straight out on Tavurua and Namotu; it’s got a beautiful aspect.

What was your vision for it?

We just fell in love with Fiji, an opportunity came up where I was talking to a boat driver and came back to Australia and my mate went on a separate trip at almost the same time. We crossed over paths but didn’t talk to each other. He came back and said I was talking to a boat driver he reckons we can get land and I said “so was I” It was the same guy! (laughs) So we hooked up with him and did it all together. Which is what we did. We had a vision of putting a few bures on there and just enjoying the place for what it was. Letting friends and family come over and use it and have a bit of a creative space and a relaxing getaway.

Have you got anything built on there at the moment?

No we don’t. We are surfers, so we don’t move the fastest.

You can’t set up a tent and stay there?

Oh, you could stay there but have you seen the video of the hostility from next door? You wouldn’t want to stay there, it’s pretty full on. It’s not a nice environment to take your kids and your family.

When did you find out about Freesoul taking over?

We heard rumours that the Chinese were looking at the land next door to us and didn’t think much of it. It’s all mangrove and swampy kind of area with no access, we’ve got the only land with a natural access. You basically have to go through our land to get access. We heard about that a year and a half ago. They move quick, they’re businessmen. They’re in for the dollar, they don’t love Fiji. They got excavators in, chainsaws and just started cutting down our land straight away.

Did you know what they had in mind regarding the scale of the development?

Nah, nothing like that. To be really honest, I went to the guy and said, “You’re on our land, what the fuck is going on? If you want our land that bad let’s get an appraisal and you can buy it for market value.” I just thought, I don’t want to be next to someone who’s a developer. Over the phone he was just “Nup, I’m just taking it”. That’s when I jumped on a plane and got over there and saw that within a couple of weeks they’d just dug up huge amounts of reef straight in front of our beach and extinguishing the beach. It was pretty confronting.

What’s happening now?

It’s in front of the courts in Fiji right now over the environmental desecration of the land and their lack of respect for the Fijian laws. They keep breaking all these stop work orders and injunctions. Either they know someone I don’t or they’re really silly. We just got an injunction on them two days ago. There’s two or three injunctions on them now until a trial is over to see if they are responsible enough to keep the land.

Lawyers ain’t cheap, is that coming out of your pocket?

Yeah, yeah. It’s come out of our pocket. At the start it was more “Fuck you guys.” I think they underestimated us as a bunch of dumb surfers, but I think they forgot we were about three years ahead of them in purchasing the land. It’s cost us a lot of money to date, but I feel like it’s worth fighting for now, more than ever, as an issue of what they are doing to the reef. We all talk the talk about keeping the reefs alive and this is something happening in front of my front yard. It’s somethingI feel I need to stand up for. Not just myself. Woody Jack and Jonah. Have a go at trying to do what’s right.

What about the Malolo Island locals?

It’s in dispute at the moment because one group have sold the land to the Chinese but I don’t know if they are the traditional land owners. The actual traditional land owners are really disappointed with what they’ve done. Just their lack of respect for the laws. There are environmental impact assessments and the Chinese have just completely disregarded those and just gone for it. The Fijians are really concerned for their generations to come.

(See latest NZ TV show here)

Tell me about the little Chinese man who manhandled you, where’d he come from?

I’d never seen him before. It’s what we’ve come to expect when we rock up.

Who’s he? Just a random stooge?

Yeah. I’m not going to start anything, you know what I mean. I wasn’t there to fight.

Must have been tempting to at least grab his spectacles, rip them off and stomp on them?

I was tempted to grab more than that. I’m 45, I’ve been around for a while, I know fighting doesn’t get you anywhere. I’d rather stand the higher ground and be a man.

Would have been detrimental to your cause, but jeezus, he came in hard didn’t he, even on your own land he was trying to grab you.

That just shows the amount of respect they’ve got for us. We’ve done nothing wrong, we’ve broken no laws. It’s pretty confronting. And disappointing. I don’t know anywhere else in the world where this stuff goes on. Fiji have got laws for this stuff, I hope they can use them.

In terms of the bigger picture a lot of people are looking at this and wondering if this is the way the Chinese are going to do business in the Pacific. Just ride roughshod over everything.

Exactly. That’s how I feel. Me and Woody have been in this for a year now and we’ve joked that this might be an example of how the Chinese are going to do business in the Pacific. I feel like we are in the middle of it.

You might be on the frontlines of something a whole lot bigger than surfing.

Maybe, if this is the way they are going to do business it needs to be sorted out. There’s a right way and a wrong way to do stuff. Lets all get on the right side and respect the Earth and the people.

Any epic CB sessions? Were you there last year for that massive swell?

Yeah. It was a bit big for me, I know my boundaries.

Was Laurie T with you?

Yeah Laurie stayed with us and Dan Ross. They took it apart, which was awesome. It was nuts. Just watching those guys prepare themselves to do what they do was exciting. We’ve had some good sessions there for sure, I’d like to be having a few more but my money’s getting sunk into court’s fees and lawyers fees at the moment.

Put out a GoFundMe, I’m sure every surfer in Australia would be happy to chuck a gold coin your way.

Well if there’s anyone out there who knows how to do it, we’d love ’em to start one for us because we’re not the kind of guys to do that.0


Watch: Colin Moran star in “Waiter, there’s a transvestite in my soup!”

There's a great future in surf traction."

Do you know the scene in The Graduate where Mr. Maguire, sitting around the swimming pool, tells a young Dustin Hoffman, “There’s a great future in surf traction. Think about it. Will you think about it?”

Oh if only young Dustin would have listened. He’d be rich beyond his wildest wildest dreams. Rich with massive houses, double-digits of gorgeous ex-wives, garages filled with DeLoreans and as many AirPods as he could stuff into his ears.

Surf traction is a growth industry. It’s always been a growth industry but only the extra brilliant see it. The extra brilliant like the great minds behind Octopus.

Here we see one of their new charges surfing very well. He is lucky to be part of a massive corporate juggernaut. He will soon have too many gorgeous ex-wives if that’s even such a thing.

OCTOPUS: COLIN MORAN! from O C T O P U S on Vimeo.