I sometimes use our BeachGrit like a personal soapbox, screeching about this or that, jabbing my finger into the air because I have caught a wild hair and think whatever non-sober passion smashing through my brain is sensible, valuable and makes great sense. I’m sorry but what I love most about this space is that it feels like a conversation. Like a real, honest, funny conversation and in our day and age of bots and purchased “likes” “shares” etc. that feels important even when I’m just screeching.
Which brings me to my point. As you know, I have recently fallen in love with sailing. Not the sort of sailing that Travis Rice and recently injured John John Florence do all masculine and tough but sailing nonetheless (and involving Yemen, Djibouti, Eritrea, Sudan and Egypt) and I need your help. My best friend with a wonderful 70 foot downwind sled is losing his mooring in Newport Beach. I had no idea but moorings and slips, like houses in Southern California, have unhinged value attached. The man who owns his bought it a few years ago and sold it for double at the beginning of the month.
He needs a new one and, ergo, I need a new one. Do you know anyone renting a mooring or slip anywhere in Los Angeles or Orange Counties (and I’m gonna throw San Diego County in here too even though he’ll be mad)? For a 70 footer? Oh I’d be the most grateful ever if you did and emailed [email protected] You could come sailing all you wanted and also I’d tell you all the surf secrets I know that I can’t print.
Do you suffer from jealousies? Seeing people get either what you could have had or want very much? I don’t think I do but probably burn as much as the next man unless that next man is Brazilian champion Gabriel Medina and imagine the internal combustion in his heart yesterday on the sands of the Oi Rio Pro.
For there thousands upon thousands of his countrymen were swept into an absolute frenzy by one of their one, Filipe Toledo. Medina had surfed the event earlier in the day, bowing out in the quarterfinals to American as apple pie Kolohe Andino. And there he sat, bowed out, watching the crowd swell, build and roar as Filipe dispatched South African as boerewors Jordy Smith.
And how sad must he have been? Sad or sizzling with envy. He had been the one befriending Brazilian soccer star Neymar Jr. He had been the one broadcast into Brazilian homes nightly, shaving his supple skin. And now those Brazilians who loved him so could barely even shake their hips as a greeting. There was no room for anyone but Filipe Toledo.
It must have stung and stung badly but how will this covetousness alter the rest of the year? Will we witness rabid Brazilian on Brazilian violence or will Gabriel cram those feelings so deeply into his heart that they’ll only manifest themselves in some weird sexual way when he is 65 years old?
Much to discuss.
Also, how do you grade the commentators over the event? The box was all mixed up, Barton with Brad, Pottz with Kaipo, Pete instead of Rosy.
Better, worse or same as the traditional crew?
Cold-Blooded: Famous Hawaiian surfing pig murdered by “ignorant, desperate, idiotic individuals!”
The Smith’s second album, Meat is Murder, is arguably their best and I think you probably agree. Morrissey and Johnny Marr really soar together on “I Want the One I Can’t Have,” “Well I Wonder” and the titular track “Meat is Murder” which begins…”Heifer whines could be human cries. Closer comes the screaming knife. This beautiful creature must die. This beautiful creature must die. A death for no reason. And death for no reason is murder.”
Poignant and moving even for hardened steak eaters.
I won’t lie, I enjoy a good steak but enjoy al pastor and bacon much more. Yes, I’m a pork man but the death of Hawaii’s famous surfing pig Kama3 has rocked me to my core and let us turn to Hawaii’s KOHN news for more.
Kama3, part of the Hawaii’s surfing pig ohana, has died, on Saturday afternoon, June 22.
According to Kama3’s owner, Kai Holt, the pig was killed by unknown suspects.
“We have lost a Hawaiian island icon,” said Holt. “A legendary beast who has touched the hearts and souls of millions of people around the world.”
This surfing pig was the first hoofed animal to win the Duke’s Ocean Fest Tandem Animal Division alongside Kitty the Surfing Cat.
“With all the good that these surfing pigs have done in the world, it saddens me greatly to see such an evil and senseless act executed by very ignorant, desperate, idiotic individuals in broad daylight,” said Holt.
The story goes on to recount all the films that Kama3 starred in and the joy he brought to so many lives. And what would possess those bastard ignorant, desperate, idiotic individuals to carry out such a brazen act? For plate lunch or something far more menacing?
Also, have you ever had a wonderful pet that broke your heart upon demise? A dog? Cat? Parrot?
Watch: Self-aware VAL film warms hearts and soothes frazzled nerves!
I don’t think that VALs are Enemies of the People, per se, but usually the VAL lack of self-awareness makes for rough exchanges in the water and/or on land. Lack of self-awareness is a nasty bit of business wherever it’s found. I was standing in a crosswalk a few days ago, for example, with the crosswalk light blinking, waiting to guide my daughter across when a car blazed right through. Of course I kicked his door as hard as I could sending him to a screeching stop. He stuck his blubbery head out the window, shouting “Do you have a problem?” I shouted back many swears that HE broke cherished crosswalk RULES at which point he angrily squealed away.
The man in the car was not necessarily a VAL but his attitude was metaphorical. VALs heedlessly break our cherished rules then don’t care. They don’t know not to care and don’t care to learn etc.
Which is what makes contemporary artist Tom Sachs’ movie How to Learn How to Surf so pleasant. It is not a movie about how to learn to surf or how to surf but how to learn how to surf.
Very self aware.
Oi Rio Pro Finals Day: “Filipe Toledo smashes world; untouchable in performance surf!”
Jordy Smith makes final cameo, Gabriel Medina sad, John John's yanked knee finishes his Brazil campaign…
Sleep deprivation makes cats say crazy things. I woke up this morning thinking I might have over-egged the omelette last night re: Brazil but after watching a very, very anti-climactic Finals Day I feel very much soothed because Barton just wrapped it saying it was one of the “greatest events in pro surfing history.”
Yeah, but nah. Really, really one-sided affairs with Pip smashing all and sundry in surf half the size of yesterday.
Twenty two minutes to go and Filipe had a sixteen-point total against Fred Morais, for example. In the ensuing twenty-two minutes, in mostly closeouts with the odd “cute little barrel”, Fred racked up a three to answer back. Pip’s quarter-final against Kanoa looked the closest result on paper but was nowhere near, in real life. Igarashi found a one-pointer to back up a six. Pip smashed him with an eleven-point total.
It was shades of D-bah this year where the Finals Day was a major let down.
Why the unseemly haste to finish?
Plenty of days left in the waiting period and another swell cycle on the radar. Not enough scoreable waves in the heat was the major problem.
And no John John.
With JJF and Slater out I felt depressed.
Gabe Medina also very sad after being knocked by Kolohe Andino, funky little right hand semi-closeouts being not to his taste. He wanted “more fair opportunity”.
Fair call, yes?
Let the historical record state that this is the second time this year the call to run in sub-par surf has diminished the Champ’s prospects. Kelly had the Tour wrapped around his little finger for 20 years, calling off the Volcom Fiji Pro, June 10, 2012, to halt the momentum of a rampaging Medina and surf against him the next day in conditions that suited him more.
We remember Kelly.
Why can’t Medina be afforded a similar amount of latitude to call the shots?
Who has your favourite entourage on Tour? With Ross Williams disappeared from history I like John Johns minimalist one with his manager Brandon Wasserman, who looks like an extra from Interpol*. Jordy seems to be flying solo in Brazil and Gabe and Pip are obv’s rocking mega entourages on home turf.
Christian Fletcher deserves royalty payments today, if the straight wheelie air with or without a little tail tweak had been patented in 1989. Kolohe dropped one first in his win against Medina. Followed it straight up with a turn and rotation and a grinning death stare claim with an obvious contempt in his demeanour. That was a winning wave so the strong-arm tactic worked but where does he go next if he wants to make an emotional statement? A horses head in Pritamo’s bed?
Jords got the walk through in his QF with John’s dicky knee and had the semi against Kolohe wrapped up in the first five minutes. One cute little tuberide expertly threaded for an eight and change, one lofted alley-oop for a mid-seven and Kolohe was gone. He tried a little fightback with a slob grabbed rotation but all the insouciance of the quarter-final against Medina had evaporated into the crowd.
Christian Fletcher deserves royalty payments today, if the straight wheelie air with or without a little tail tweak had been patented in 1989. Kolohe dropped one first in his win against Medina. Followed it straight up with a turn and rotation and a grinning death stare claim with an obvious contempt in his demeanour. That was a winning wave so the strong-arm tactic worked but where does he go next if he wants to make an emotional statement?
A horses head in Pritamo’s bed?
Pip knocked one out in the final, second wave after a cute tuberide. With a mid-nine and then a blowtail the final followed the pattern of asymmetrical heats. Jordy was comboed in the first five minutes and never looked like threatening. Filipe alluded to personal problems in the immediate post-final presser, admitting it had been a “really hard year mentally.”
As a rebound from the debacle at the Box and with J-Bay ahead there couldn’t really be a better place for Toledo to be. Except it feels like deja vu all over again. Toledo untouchable in performance surf, the needle not really moving in heavy reef surf and Teahupoo and Pipeline ahead.
The best heat of the day was the semi between Carissa Moore and Steph Gilmore, not because the surfing was anything insane but because it was a tight contest that came down to a last wave Steph rode on the buzzer.
“Did she get the score Barton?” asked Bricknell.
“I feel, no,” said Barton trusting the best gut instinct in the booth. Which was correct.
Apart from wearing the insult from Kolohe’s grinning death stare it was an easy day for judges. Carissa bombed a set wave in the womens final, Sally tagged an end section after a clean entry and exit from a hollow section. The precedent for paying end section hits was well established which made for an obvious high-ball score on a winning wave.
Sally and Steph show the energy in Australian pro surfing is with the women.
Here is Filipe Toledo’s victory speech, never delivered, as written by his alternative speech writer, the noted Russia expert Lucky Al, who snapped off the fin on my surfboard I lent him. T
Take it away Filipe: “Thank you, thank you! Wow, you guys and girls! Wow, wow, wow! Thank you so very much. I am so happy and honoured to be here. This place, Saquarema, is so amazing. So amazing and beautiful! And you people of Saquarema are amazing and beautiful! The waves today were great, okay, but yesterday they were even better. Yesterday they were great! Did you see me beat Kelly Slater? Haha. This is a great surf spot! Thank you for letting us have this contest at your surf spot, surfers and people of Saquarema. I want to come back here all the time and surf and hang out. This is such a great place. Thank you, my fellow competitors. Jordy, please try to do better next time. Haha, it’s a joke. Kelly, you don’t have a next time. It’s not a joke. Smiley face. Gabriel Medina, I’m going to smash you in the face, this year is mine. Haha! Let’s party and have a good time everybody! Yeah woooooo!!!!
~Crowd goes wild~.
*The New York post-punk band, not the international cop organisation.
Oi Rio Pro Women’s Final Results:
1 – Sally Fitzgibbons (AUS) 14.64
2 – Carissa Moore (HAW) 12.57
Oi Rio Pro Women’s Semifinal Results:
SF 1: Sally Fitzgibbons (AUS) 7.63 DEF. Keely Andrew (AUS) 4.40
SF 2: Carissa Moore (HAW) 15.30 DEF. Stephanie Gilmore (AUS) 14.83
Oi Rio Pro Women’s Quarterfinal Results:
QF 1: Sally Fitzgibbons (AUS) 14.17 DEF. Lakey Peterson (USA) 1.20
QF 2: Keely Andrew (AUS) 7.24 DEF. Silvana Lima (BRA) 6.46
QF 3: Carissa Moore (HAW) 12.33 DEF. Tatiana Weston-Webb (BRA) 12.04
QF 4: Stephanie Gilmore (AUS) 10.90 DEF. Courtney Conlogue (USA) 10.66
Oi Rio Pro Men’s Final Results:
1 – Filipe Toledo (BRA) 18.04
2 – Jordy Smith (ZAF) 8.43
Oi Rio Pro Men’s Semifinal Results:
SF 1: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 16.00 DEF. Frederico Morais (PRT) 10.30
SF 2: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 16.06 DEF. Kolohe Andino (USA) 10.40
Oi Rio Pro Men’s Quarterfinal Results:
QF 1: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 11.00 DEF. Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) 7.57
QF 2: Frederico Morais (PRT) 13.17 DEF. Julian Wilson (AUS) 11.83
QF 3: Jordy Smith (ZAF) DEF. John John Florence (HAW) INJ
QF 4: Kolohe Andino (USA) 13.10 DEF. Gabriel Medina (BRA) 12.00