Kelly Slater is a modern marvel, a wonder, a
famous man willing to mingle with the lesser-thans. An iconic man
happy to engage nobodies. And if you happen to follow Mick
Fanning’s engaging Instagram account you can get your hooks in.
How?
Oh, Mick Fanning, two or three time World Champ (I can’t
remember) posted an homage to J-Bay today, a beautiful turn
underneath a rainbow sky. The comments, as you’d expect, were
effusive with praise.
But St. Christopher1, the patron saint of surfers, was less
charitable, writing, “Just go surfing. Comps suck. @kellyslater is
embarrassing and should of bowed out many moons ago!”
Well, Kelly came swinging in within minutes, asking for
clarification, “what’s embarrassing? Why the shade?”
After getting hammered for a few hours St. Christoper1 backed
right down and replied, “I apologise @kellyslater. It is
confounding how these young men on tour have no financial backing
they struggle. My point is that you have nothing to prove. You are
a wonderful human. No question. In my opinion only without
prejudice is that it could be time to allow a young man to be
gifted his dream of being on tour and the tour to support them
financially mandatory.”
Kelly’s final retort? “What makes you think I’m doing this to
prove anything? I’m just having fun with it. And why should anyone
be implored to give up a spot to anyone who hasn’t earned it? There
are 30 guys on tour rated lower than me. Go talk to them.”
I don’t know what your greatest fears are but
one of mine is certainly losing control of a large sailboat in a
pumping surf chock-a-block with Hawaiian surfers. Oh the absolute
white-knuckle terror. The complete and enveloping horror.
Years ago I thought that only complete amateurs and/or drunks
lost control of their boats near shore but then I started sailing,
a bit, and realized how easily things can go pear-shaped and by
“things” I mean everything and anything. Literally everything and
anything.
And so when I saw a video of a large sailboat in pumping surf
chock-a-block with Hawaiian surfers, recently, my heart jumped into
my throat. The boat was trying to make its way into Ala Moana
harbor there on Oahu’s south shore but, as you can see by the
waves, it was a big day.
I imagined the worst, of course. That the boat would capsize,
hit a few surfers, kill a few passengers, catch cracks on the beach
afterward etc. but watch how the captain navigates and surfs right
into the harbor mouth. It is the very first time in my life that I
have wondered if there is some value in learning to SUP. If the
knowledge of guiding an obese vessel through waves might have some
proper value.
The best part of the video may be the narration of surf
cinematographer Bruno Lemos. I think the World Surf League should
call him up to the booth straight away. I think we’d all be very
thankful.
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Surf star Ellie-Jean Coffey breaks up with
cheating stud, says, “I’m officially single as fuck!”
One minute you’re planning a life in Byron Bay, all dressed in
beige and with children called Marlow and Tigress, the next the ol
cheating hammer comes down on your heart, splintering it
forever.
Ellie-Jean Coffey is twenty-four, a very good surfer, a
goofyfooter for those who care about such things, and an Instagram
maven with one million followers.
Earlier today, she announced she had just arrived in the singles
marketplace.
I called Ellie-Jean shortly after the post appeared.
Journalism, brothers and sisters.
So, single?
“Yes, I’m single as fuck…so…yeah…he cheated on me so
I’m officially single as fuck.”
The facts, as I was told are this: her boyfriend of
one-and-a-half years had a bit of a night a couple of weeks ago and
hooked up with a gal pal of EJ’s.
It’s the Gold Coast. It’s what you do.
In response, Ellie-Jean has moved to Sydney, to Narrabeen where
her grandparents live, for “a fresh start.”
Ms Coffey, who has only been single once before in her life, for
three months when she was twenty-one, was told of the event by her
sister.
I asked, were you furious?
“Fuming.”
Did you throw things?
“No, just angry and then sad and then strong.”
Are you excited about the voyage that lays ahead?
“Extremely.”
Do you see it as a chance to exercise your adventurous side?
“Absolutely.”
Does being relatively anonymous in the big city give you the
opportunity to spread your wings in a way you couldn’t at home?
Television, movies, a Dana White backed competition
show!
Oh what happy news. What wonderful happy news
and you should be as thrilled as the World Surf League’s President
of Content, Media and Angry Posted Then Subsequently Deleted
Twitter
Letters Aimed At Young Women Erik “ELo” Logan for he
has gone and done it.
He has gone and inked a development deal with the “trailblazing
production company” Pilgrim Media, part of Lionsgate, to produce
“…a variety of surf-centric sport and lifestyle content across all
formats and platforms. The endeavor is the first to be announced by
WSL Studios and will involve live and non-live unscripted projects,
as well as a range of distinct scripted opportunities.”
Breathless.
I’m breathless so would you allow me to collect myself while you
read the rest of the press
release?
Pilgrim, a Lionsgate Company, and WSL Studios have two major
undertakings in the pipeline already – a feature documentary and a
fresh nonscripted competition format for which the parties
partnered with the UFC’s Dana White – with several other programs
in active development. The venture will feature traditional surf
content like contests and clip shows, and will also shed light on
surf culture – spanning its roots to the worldwide emergence of its
own language and literature; music, film, fashion and other art;
lifestyle; social impact; as well as environmental and conservation
efforts.
“Partnering with Pilgrim from the onset of WSL Studios sets
the bar for the level of quality we are endeavoring to achieve,”
said WSL President of Content and Media, Erik Logan. “Their talent
for producing top-notch unscripted programming, particularly when
it comes to emerging sports, and their unmatched ability to capture
the inaccessible for audiences around the world make Pilgrim an
incredible partner for the WSL.”
Ok ok ok ok ok ok. So much to discuss.
Who’s going to be in the Dana White show?
Who’s going to become the brightest celluloid star out of the
entire WSL stable?
Should the WSL produce a Friends-style sitcom about life in the
booth starring Noah Jupe as Joe Turpel, Keanu Reeves as Ron “Dog”
Blakey, Tim Allen as Peter Mel and the robot from Short
Circuit as the ’89 World Champion Martin “Pottz”
Potter?
Tell me you’re not feeling it.
Tell me you aren’t breathless too.
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J-Bay Loser’s Round: “Jeremy Flores’ power
carves are the closest thing we have to vanished John John!”
When it comes to the vexed issue of Pro Surfing
we always think about winning because, let’s face it, we watch to
see the freakish and the inspirational. We rarely think about
losing but there is far more losing than winning and far more ways
to lose than win, so maybe it’s time we did.
Easy enough for scribes to fuck it up. This afternoon,
Australian Eastern Standard Time, they put the comp on hold and I
gambled it would be off for the day and started drinking early.
Voila, they called it on and it was either drink my way through
and lose all faculties or stop and deal with an early hangover
before the night was through.
I stopped and in this mild funk offer a brief anatomy of
losing.
In inconsistent and warbly speed-runners opportunity was scarce
but there were enough for three people to have a swing. Bede
Durbidge-lookalike Beyrick Devries found an early scorer then sat
out the back like a buddha statue in a Bangalow garden: spiritual
but impotent.
Jordy in the booth called bullshit on airs at J-Bay “It’s a turn
wave,” he said sternly, “a rail event.” Jack Freestone calmly
stomped an alley-oop with a late-tweaked rotation. Beyrick waited,
and his winning wave came. He limped along it, under surfed it and
failed to get the score required.
Way to lose number one: Surfing conservatively,
nervously or tentatively on a wave and leaving too much in the
tank. Worst way to lose.
Seth Moniz was all over heat two. The battle to avoid last place
was far more interesting. Ace Buchan fell off, and fell off again.
He was caught behind on a prime set wave. In the Aussie parlance,
having a shocker.
Couzinet had problems of a different dimension.
He had no idea what the wave was doing. Out of flow, turns in
the wrong spot. “Trying to find chemistry” as Ron Blakey so aptly
put it. A disjointed, jagged attack on the wave of the heat pushed
him into second place and it seemed like Ace’s shocker would be the
reason to lose. Ace blitzed a medium sized wave and got the score
to advance. Couzinet lost.
Way to lose number two: Inexperience at a specialist
wave resulting in an out of sync performance.
The only time we normally focus on losing is when the judges
take it into their hands and get the result wrong. Like when Fred
Morais got a ten at J-Bay 2017 and knocked out JJF. Freddie didn’t
need any judging help today. Nor did Jeremy Flores, the only surfer
in the Losers Round who looked capable of going anywhere in the
draw.
His power carves with the extra sting in the tail are now the
closest thing we have to JJF’s turns, with a more classic
configuration. It was Jesse Mendes who got sat in the dunce corner.
Two strong rides completed and a third set wave that didn’t quite
co-operate. In the end, the numbers didn’t add up.
Way to lose number three: Outsurfed by superior
opponents and not enough risk taken.
Heat tour was an all-Brazilian affair and I thought Jaddy Baby
might suffer the same fate as Jesse Mendes. Not self-destruct but
just fail to bring enough firepower to the heat and be scored too
low. Which has been his problem his entire CT career, apart from
the big win over Slater in Brazil in 2010.
How do get past that? You bring your best, good enough to win QS
events until the crack of doom and CT judges look at it and say
“Nah mate, not good enough.” Which is what they did.
Way to lose number four: Just not good enough. Brutal
assessment but that’s what is happening.
Jordy was sensational in the booth; he brings an edge to the
game. I think him and Ronnie would create some magic. Filipe was a
bit too modern Christian bland, if one can make that observation in
this day and age. Jordy Smith the only man standing between Filipe
Toledo and a three-peat? I think, yes. I don’t understand the draw
and seeding system, is there an astro-physicist in the house?
Round of 32 Matchups:
Heat 1: Jordy Smith (ZAF) vs. Soli Bailey (AUS)
Heat 2: Owen Wright (AUS) vs. Joan Duru (FRA)
Heat 3: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Griffin Colapinto (USA)
Heat 4: Ryan Callinan (AUS) vs. Yago Dora (BRA)
Heat 5: Kolohe Andino (USA) vs. Adriano de Souza (BRA)
Heat 6: Jeremy Flores (FRA) vs. Deivid Silva (BRA)
Heat 7: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Ezekiel Lau (HAW)
Heat 8: Conner Coffin (USA) vs. Adrian Buchan (AUS)
Heat 9: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Michael February (ZAF)
Heat 10: Michael Rodrigues (BRA) vs. Willian Cardoso (BRA)
Heat 11: Wade Carmichael (AUS) vs. Sebastian Zietz (HAW)
Heat 12: Michel Bourez (FRA) vs. Ricardo Christie (NZL)
Heat 13: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) vs. Frederico Morais (PRT)
Heat 14: Seth Moniz (HAW) vs. Peterson Crisanto (BRA)
Heat 15: Kelly Slater (USA) vs. Caio Ibelli (BRA)
Heat 16: Italo Ferreira (BRA) vs. Jack Freestone (AUS)
