"DreamWorks Water Park offered a surreal scene visible through a large, thick-glass wall: a huge wave pool generating two-foot swells that broke on a concrete beach, lapping at the tires of motionless construction vehicles."

American Wave Machines, the Carlsbad-based company who created the tech behind the Waco BSR cable park, has just opened another pool.

This one’s in the new three-million-square-feet American Dream super-mall in East Rutherford, New Jersey, and which had a partial opening last Friday.

From NJ.com,

The public was allowed onto the ice of the mall’s NHL-sized skating rink and the thrill rides of its Nickelodeon Universe indoor theme park, even though parts of the interior and exterior looked like the active construction sites they still were — and will continue to be for several months.

Outside, there were backhoes, piles of dirt, stacks of unlaid pipe, and rows of port-o-potties ringing the structure, with fenced-off staging areas just across the mall’s loop road.

Adjacent to the rink, where dozens of skaters glided and teetered around the ice, the mall’s colossal, still-unopened DreamWorks Water Park offered a surreal scene visible through a large, thick-glass wall: a huge wave pool generating two-foot swells that broke on a concrete beach, lapping at the tires of motionless construction vehicles.

“Fantastic,” marveled Lionel Cruz, a 57-year-old IT specialist gazing through the glass.

Indoor, heated, waves year round.

My mind is melting. American Dreams indeed. After years of false starts and misfires it seems like we’ve finally hit wavepool singularity.

Offerings explode forth like some tectonic seam has busted its containment.

Will we now see an exponential curve upwards? Technology, quantity, output?

In a decade’s time will we giggle at the offerings of Kelly’s Ranch like a teenager today giggles at a mini disc player or an iPod?

Will there be a wavepool in every backyard?

Imagine the strip mall surfer! Flips and corkscrews on demand. Unlimited progression. Proto-punks sponsored by Starbucks with double-ended boards and fingers raised to the establishment.

There’ll be further divisions in the tribe. Street vs vert. Park vs pool. Almost indistinguishable. Almost. Eight feet of raw east swell will be our only arbiter. Surfing’s Voight-Kampff test.

For now, a strip mall in Jersey is pushing out waves of a quality and accessibility that will soon turn (small-wave) surfing into an assembly line production.

Isn’t it wonderful to see the Olympics team hone straight into one of the meatiest stories in contemporary surfing?

There’s a lot to unpack from JP Currie’s evisceration of Kelly’s Soundwave. What a trip, right?

But today I’d like to take a different tact, if you’ll allow me to indulge, and lift the bonnet of Sound Waves itself.

I wanna see what makes her tick.

The series came out of WSL Studios, Erik Logan’s media production unit which, as JP said, seems determined to make the WSL look like a cross between Friends and Teen Mom.

It’s the E-Lo worldview, copied and pasted straight from his Insta bio. A #grateful place full of #wellbeing and #squadgoals and upbeat guitar riffs, where anyone can reach their potential. All you need is good vibes’n vision boards. A space where Svengalis like Charlie Goldsmith are not just tolerated, but lionised.

In other words, a fucken Disneyland.

Compare it to this recent interview with Owen Wright on the Olympics media channel.

Introduced by British reporter Ed Knowles, with the interview itself conducted by Kiwi journo Ashlee Tulloch, the tone is straight BBC. Sparse, lean. No bullshit.

It offers real insight into Owen’s dome without the creepy, overwrought post-production that turned Soundwaves into an unintentional snuff flick.

I’d highly recommend the half-hour listen.

A few highlights:

Owen’s injury wasn’t a one off. A series of concussions led up to it.

He still isn’t 100%.

On sister Tyler: “She just couldn’t turn that corner (from Post-Viral syndrome) and then about three months ago she turned it and I was like, ‘Yeah, nice.’ Look out when she comes back.”

What gave me a kick, though, was how Tulloch plays to her non-surfing audience.

From pressing Owen to explain what ‘the inside ledge’ is at Pipe, to this description she elicits of what it’s like to get barrelled at Teahupoo:

“Just to get inside it, you’ve got to put yourself in a position where your mind thinks there’s no way you’re going to make this. Then you get in it, and if you’ve done it enough times, you can see where you are on the reef and have that moment where time kinda just… stands still.”

Top-shelf stuff.

Tulloch shows you don’t need to dumb down surfing down to make it accessible. She presses Owen when it’s needed, but also gives him space to breathe.

There’s a tip to the Olympics at the end, but it’s not forced.

And isn’t it wonderful to see the Olympics team hone straight into one of the meatiest stories in contemporary surfing?

O’s injury and comeback. Tyler’s ongoing illness. The Wrights are a dynasty, the surf game Kennedys, with enough drama, highs, lows, tragedy and success for a Netflix series.

Yet, we hear hardly anything about them.

Where’s our Storyteller-in-Chief when you need him?

Creating a WSL-owned media house is the right path to take. But E-Lo’s saccharine sweet offerings – Inspire. Uplife. Transform! – sit somewhere between Nickelodeon and the Teen Choice awards.

Surfing’s a fucking interesting deal, man. With real stories to tell.

The WSL are trying to move into a territory that’s dominated by sports with budgets and infrastructure that make it look tiny in comparison. The Olympics dwarves them all.

And, if their initial offerings are anything to go by, maybe they’ll be the ones to finally control surfing’s mainstream narrative. Sound Waves be damned.

Chas, you ready for another war?

And, don't forget Jordan Smith. Ripped off at Keramas, torched at Surf Ranch last year, surely a Backdoor nugget might get high-balled this time around…

I know it’s weird to have BG pouring hot oil on the WSL and still be covering the Tour, as one commentator astutely noted but I think we can walk and chew gum at the same time here.

We can still savage the inanity of the wall of positive noise and offer safe harbour to smart money.

To Pipeline.

You’ve probably seen the numbers breakdown now, with Italo in the yellow and we’ll get to that in a second.

First, Gabe’s fuck-up, as monumental as it was, shook down with the minimum collateral damage for him on Finals Day in Peniche.

Filipe fell at the next hurdle.

Kolohe too.

The real dark horse at Pipe, Kanoa Igarashi, is out of contention. Jordy did not win and still sits behind Medina and the pressure of the leader now sits with Italo.

The breakdown.
*If Italo wins Pipe he takes the World Title
*If Medina beats Italo by at least one spot (while not losing to the other three surfers), he will win the Title
*If Filipe wins the Pipe Masters, he will win the Title
*If Jordy wins the Pipe Masters and Italo loses before the final, he will win the Title
*If Italo places ninth, Medina needs a fifth, Filipe third, Jordy second, and Kolohe enters the equation needing to win Pipe.
*If Italo places 17th or 33rd, Gabs and Filipe will need a ninth, Smith a fifth, and Kolohe a second to win the Title.

Clear as mud, right.

Where we’ll deviate from current coverage is looking into the past five years of Pipeline form. The recent past being the best predictor of the near future, Thanksgiving turkey’s excepted.

Lets start 2015, Italo’s rookie year.
Italo, lost to CJ Hopgood RD3. Heat total 4.57.
Toledo, lost to wildcard Mason Ho Rd 3. Heat total 6.67.
Andino, lost to Keanu Asing Rd2. Heat total 4.90.
Jordy, lost to Gabe Medina Rd3. Heat total 4.5.
Medina. Lost Final to Adriano De Souza.

2016.
Italo, Lost to Michel Bourez Rd3. Heat total 10.34.
Medina, lost to Ryan Callinan Rd3. Heat total 11.34.
Toledo, lost to Michel Bourez Rd5. Heat total 15.5
Jordy Smith, lost to Kanoa Igarashi Quarter Final. Heat total 15.74.
Kolohe Andino, lost to Michel Bourez Semi-final. Heat total 13.53.

2017.
Italo, lost to Kanoa Igarashi Quarter-Final. Heat total 8.67.
Toledo, lost to Ian Gouevia Rd2. Heat total 11.30.
Andino, lost to Italo Ferreira Rd3. Heat total 4.17.
Jordy Smith, lost to Kelly Slater Rd3. Heat total 7.87.
Medina, lost to Jeremy Flores Quarter-Final. Heat total 6.04.

2018.
Italo, lost to Ryan Callinan Rd3. Heat total 2.43.
Toledo, lost to Kelly Slater Rd3. Heat total 6.77.
Andino, lost to Miggy Pupo Rd2. Heat total 5.00.
Jordy Smith, lost to Gabe Medina, Semi-final. Heat total 15.83.

How do you like our man Italo now? Crunching the nut of the maths means Italo has to finish in front of Medina at Pipe. He has never finished in front of Medina at Pipe.

Add 2014 into the mix (before Italo) and Medina has finalled three times in the last five years. His worst result, 2016, seems an aberration. Small backdoor, title already decided and a super-close loss to Ryan Callinan.

Kolohe’s all over the place, good at small Backdoor, lost at sea in proper Pipe.

Filipe Toledo at Pipe. It may happen one day, the Lord works in mysterious ways etc etc. But if you had to bet your kids life on someone making a heat at proper Pipe, would you place your bet on Pip? No, me neither.

Jordan Smith, despite a Pipe story lacking dramatic emphasis, ie wins, seems to have momentum onside. You’d have to think, at some point, judging might eventually swing his way during marginal calls. Ripped off at Keramas, torched at Surf Ranch last year, surely a Backdoor nugget might get high-balled this time around.

Will any of this matter, come December 10. Possibly, probably not.

Forecast, heat draw and the presence or absence of John John Florence with his new bionic knee are all vastly more important unknown unknowns.

I think though, a sly bet on Medina is not unwise.

What say you, gamblers?

"Is he truly a healer or is it all a hoax? Sunday Night’s Angela Cox has put Goldsmith’s claims to the test in this three-month-long investigation…"

Were you as thrilled as I was by the appearance of “healer, inventor, businessman” Charlie Goldsmith in the Kelly Slater episode of  Sound Waves, the WSL’s excellent new series?

Goldsmith is very famous, at least in Australia, for his ability to cure the sick with his personal electric vibrations, as well as tap into the wellness zeitgeist with various business start-ups. 

In a three-month study carried out by the Australian television show Sunday Night, and screened last August, we are privy to the miracle of Goldsmith who “claims he possesses a mysterious energy that can cure the sick using just his mind…he can end chronic pain, cure crippling arthritis, even save lives.”

Goldsmith was eighteen years old when he “first felt a strange sensation between his hands. He says he soon discovered this energy could heal people. Worried about exposing himself to a world of doubters, he wanted to keep his gift secret until science supported his claims.”

Watch below.

Of course, there does exist cynics, those who can’t smell the perfume in the air.

Noted Australian interviewer Andrew Denton featured Goldsmith on his own television program, although, as reported by The Sydney Morning Herald, “the episode quickly turned tense.”

In an early awkward exchange, Goldsmith attempted to demonstrate his energy force – a “tingling” or “heat” – to Denton through touch, but the host said he couldn’t feel anything.

The host then questioned Goldsmith on his “dangerous” approach and the lack of medical credibility to back his results, comparing him to a “placebo effect”, prompting a strong response from his guest.

“If it is a placebo, so what?” Goldsmith replied, referring specifically to a patient with CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome) that was featured on his show. “So no one else fixed her and then whatever I did, did.”

The discomfort peaked when Denton chastised Goldsmith’s attempts to have his powers “proven”, particularly an upcoming study from University of Arizona Professor Gary Schwartz, whom he described as an “art professor in New York who has published extensively about his belief in ghosts”.

“What you’re claiming to do is mysterious and unknowable and almost impossible to measure, and what he’s interested in are things that are unknowable and mysterious and almost impossible to measure, so he’s not an objective observer of what you do,” the host said.

“I don’t know him well enough to defend him as much as I’d like to,” Goldsmith replied. “But the fact he’s spent a large part of his career interested in this area gives him insight into how to test things. Now that doesn’t make him wrong.”

“I would argue it makes him predisposed to want to show that you’re right as opposed to having a scientific, neutral, credible method … It’s problematic,” Denton hit back.

Who to believe etc.

Sign up to Goldsmith’s ninety-nine-dollars-a-year wellness program here where you can “access the Energy Movement and Emotional Healing modules, explore fitness and self-love, gut health, nutritional meals and more.”